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Dr. Zero · (01-02-2014)

AND THE NEWS IS BROKEN HARD

Bro, this is so bogus," Baal'Nezz Golgari...er...Gary said to his roommate, Nib. "Drotte held me back and took him. He's the one that got Stevie's leg broke in that match with Angelus and all. It was so fucked up, bro. Everybody had promised him he couldn't get hurt, he was all for it finally. And then Drotte won't give him back! So I manage to work out a deal where I get to take the body for 2 weeks a month. What is that? He's MINE! And even then, he keeps him for the first two weeks! It's like, dude, you had him for two months already! So...SO bogus."

Nib farts and puts a hand on Gary's shoulder. "Gary, it's going to be alright. I promise. You're getting him back in just a few minutes. Now be quiet, Golden Girls are coming back on."

Just a few minutes later, elsewhere, a portal opened up and several of Dr. Zero's minions stepped through, dropping Stevie Tyler's body in a dark alley. They step right back through as the portal vanishes. Stevie, groggily comes to, finding himself in the exact same clothes he wore the night he lost the Xtreme Championship to Angelus. Blue denims shorts with bloodstains, black kneepads, his boots, and a torn Mr. Satellite t-shirt. He sits up and runs his hand through his hair.

"Dude...Where am I?"

"Just about 5 miles from your apartment, Stevie."

That voice! Stevie recognized it as it came from behind him. He turns and sees her. Rayha, his guardian angel. She looked as militant as ever, with her fiery red hair pulled into such a tight ponytail that it seemed like the skin would split on her forehead. The weather had to be around 40 degrees, but there she stood with nothing but a black tank-top tucked into her black fatigues. She tossed him a green jacket.

"Put that on and get up. We need to get you home. We don't have much time."

Stevie had trouble standing, so Rayha lifted him with one arm to his feet and draped the jacket over his shoulders. She then practically carried him in the direction of his apartment.

"What…What happened?" Stevie asked her.

"Drotte happened.:

"I thought he was cool?"

"No. Drotte is a liar. It's in his name. He lied to you, Baal'Nezz, and his own boss. He gained your trust, as well as Baal'Nezz's, and used it to steal you away for his own purposes."

"What?"

"He claims it was for your own good. He claims he was protecting you after Baal'Nezz left you in a vulnerable state. The truth is that Drotte the Liar saw what you are. Flashpoint for Armageddon. There armies of angels and demons after you. The angels are coming to rid you of Baal'Nezz, and now Drotte. The demons want you dead because of how ridiculous those two are making them look. Once they all converge on you, the Final War begins. Drotte foolishly believed that he could steal you, and use your invulnerability…"

"My leg was broken!" Stevie interjected.

"By design, Stevie. That's how Drotte took you. He believed that he could use your invulnerability alongside his scientific and supernatural knowledge to overthrow both parties involved and gain control over the entire multiverse."

"That's just great! So, I guess this means the angels and demons are even angrier with me now, right?"

"Something like that, yes. Which is why we need to get you home."

"Dude, if I remember correctly, 'home' is where crazy shit kept showing up in the first place," Stevie reminded her. He was referring to the spirit, Nura, who had shown up just to eat all of his food and the Russian assassin-turned two-headed dogbeast that had attacked him.

"Nura is not a threat, and I have taken steps to see that nothing else threatens you in that place. Your apartment is your sanctuary, Stevie."

As they get nearer to the apartment, Stevie stops Rayha.

"Please, there's gotta' be something you can do. Please just make them stop?"

"All I can do is try to protect you. That is my duty."

"Dude, just kill me?"

Rayha slapped him across the face, sending Stevie off of his feet.

"We were so close to making a man out of you before. Stop your whining, get up, and let's get you home."

The pair get to Stevie's apartment. Stevie reaches for the door handle, but before he touches it, it swings open.

"BRO! YOU'RE BACK!" His old roommate, LJ, launches himself out of the door and tackles him with a tremendous hug. "Holy shit, bro! I've missed you!"

Rayha eyes the parking lot suspiciously before forcing Stevie and LJ into the apartment. The first thing Stevie notices upon walking in is that the carpet is crunchy. He looks down, and the carpet that had once been blue, is now speckled white in different places. Kitty litter. That goddamn cat is still here somewhere. That's not the worst thing that's still here, though.

"Oh hey, man! You're back! Hope you didn't mind but I sorta' helped myself to your room while you were out," Nura said as he walked in the living room, completely nude. Stevie wasn't sure what was more unsettling about Nura's nudity…The sheen he had all over his body from some sort of oil, or the smooth lump where his genitals should be.

"How did you keep paying the rent?" Stevie asked. Stevie and LJ had split the apartment and all else 50/50 so they could afford it. Nura winked at him. LJ laughed.

"Bro, don't pay any attention to Nura. Nah, the checks the XWF sends just come straight here. Even while that Dr. Zero cat was running around, the money just came straight here. Nobody ever questioned me when I was cashing them, so I just kept using them. Speaking of which, bro…Check out this TV!"

Stevie's attention was drawn to the living room wall…Or what was once a wall. Now it was a 70" monstrosity of a television that was partly hanging past the wall.

"Is there any money left?" asked Stevie.

"Bro…Honestly…Not really. BUT, it keeps coming in. That Dr. Zero guy has been tearing shit up, so they gave you raise or something," LJ told him.

Stevie sat down and put his head in his hands.

"I don't want it. I just want everything to be normal."

"ARE YOU NUTS!?" asked LJ. Rayha stepped into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water. Nura kept rubbing oil on himself.

"Dude…How is Julie?"

LJ looked away from him, so did Nura.

"IS SHE OK!?" asked Stevie.

Suddenly, the TV began to glow with a dark purple. "Glow" isn't the right word. It radiated a dark purple. A large, green hand protruded from the screen. Then another. Then the set of horns. Before long, Gary was standing amongst them.

"GARY!" shouted LJ and Nura excitedly!

"BROS!" shouted Gary like a jackass. "Stevie, bro…Am I glad to see you? HELLS YES, I AM! Heard you talking about the Julie chick and let me just say, you two were never right for each other."

"WHAT HAPPENED!?" demanded Stevie.

"Well, see…She thought you were never coming back annnnnnnd…," he hesitated.

"She's been sleeping with Steve Sayors," Rayha said, coldly.

Stevie threw up and cried like a bitch, totally bringing the mood down for everyone else, the selfish asshole.

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