Me Make Weapon,
He Make Jokes
Present day and time
"Excuse me, Mr. John Raide,
It has come to my attention that I missed a stand up comedy performance you recently delivered and it has been receiving rave reviews. I apologize for not being able to attend in the flesh, but I can do the next best thing and take a look at what you had to say right now. You'll get to see my live reactions as they happen, John... and I'll have the privilege of being entertained with some of the best gut busting hilarity since Unknown Soldier and John Madison." A few seconds of silence and I realize some of you might be waiting for that sentence to be added onto.
"I was done with that sentence. I wasn't about to announce a comedic action the two men committed; their meager existence is my reference point."
"I digress," like my name was oh wait he's so beneath me I'll let all of you continue mentioning him. My digression has got the best of me at last as I focus back on...
"John Raide; let us watch your performance and se–" but suddenly the door to my hotel room is kicked off of its hinges in an instant!
"Stop right there, gurl! I cannot allow you to do that," yells none other than the man who assisted me in my efforts with Michael McBride earlier this week... Poindexter.
"I'm sorry I just can't let ya do it sweety," he says with
so much lisp on the 's' of that sorry and sweety. Some saliva actually sprays from between his tongue and his teeth as he speaks; this is much worse than the usual challenge he presents anytime he attempts to form words.
"What is wrong with your mouth?" He stops dead in his tracks and his jaw drops. He starts feeling around on his lips and mouth, wiping the unhealthy amount of moisture from his lips and chin.
"Oh that," he says as he takes a small square wrapper from his pocket... is that a condom? What the... oh, ok I can see it's just a moist towelette now that he opens the wrapper and pulls out what's inside. He wipe his face off and even begins wiping his tongue with the towelette along with a quick scrubbing of his front teeth.
"Is there some reason you're here, Poindexter? I was about to watch some stand up. All that time I spent floating around in the skies of the middle east this month have really taken a toll on me and I just need a good, hearty laugh. You're welcome to either join me or make your exit — and I mean now," I say in the sternest of tones as my eyes glare at the eyeholes of his pink batmask.
"Sorry gurl, I was sucking a dick."
I hesitate...
I take a look around...
No, this is still really happening.
"That in no way, shape or form even begins to resemble any of the possible thoughts that should have been circulating in your mind after hearing what I said. Who are you... Theo Pryce?" I step toward Poindexter and I place my hand on his shoulder —
hard. I lean in to look him point blank in the eye but a rather repugnant odor greets my nostrils when I get too close to his face. It seems he really
was sucking a dick.
"So you mean to tell me that when you came in here spitting and spurting your words all over the room, that was ejaculate coming out of your mouth."
There's not even a slight hint of hesitation; he blurts it right out with pride:
"Yes."
"So in other words you came in here — a place you were not invited nor has any relation to you — for the sole purpose of literally spewing homosexuality in every humanly possible direction including my own?" I tap my foot and cross my arms, cocking my head to the side as I await his response. He seems a little confused as he puts his finger to his lip and has to glance around thinking about it...
"Well I guess you're right, hun." He seems depressed for a second but then his eyes get as wide as Giovanni Ferrari's childlike imagination anytime he starts thinking he can disregard my foretelling of the near future.
"Oh wait there was an actual reason I came in here today."
"Was there, Poindexter?"
"Yeah poptart you know it. I came in to save you from watching the entire John Raide promo. All he does is talk about Sister Abigail and–"
"Wrong. I'll stop you right there, Poindexter. It's clear you don't even watch the XWF or know who you are talking about, so how about you leave things of a relevant nature to me? You're mixing real life with some garbage you probably saw on a bad Monday night cable show, and you're coming in here confusing that point even further by drenching it in your own homosexuality. Why are you here?"
He just stands there... a strand of what is probably a 50/50 mix of semen and saliva slowly begins stretching down from his lip, lower and lower until the thinning strand breaks and the small drop lands on the carpet. I shake my head in disarray, blinking my eyes a couple of times and I just... walk forward and shove him out of the room. I don't bother paying attention to the fact that his dick is probably hanging out, I don't listen to his ramblings about how he's a gay superhero, and I most certainly don't open the door back up after slamming it shut and hearing him scream in pain on the other side — if he's managed to get himself caught in the door, that's his own problem.
"Alright, now... back to what I was doing," I mutter to myself as I sit down in front of a laptop and prepare to
finally be entertained by John Raide's stand up act.
Quote:I step through the curtain and spit blood onto the ground.
Well I'll be ... one of those Black Circle parasites split my bottom lip.
Wow... alright;
"The new plan is that I'm going to speed this up to around twenty times the speed and absorb it all in just a few blinks of the eye. If he's starting out by fantasizing about men biting his bottom lip, I can't allow myself to put you through the torment of seeing it whole. We'll reflect back only on the points I feel are noteworthy." It's rather disappointing when I can come to this revelation within two point five seconds of a promo opening. Raide probably got his own lip caught between his teeth when somebody kicked him in the mouth but he'd rather assume a man bit his lip.
Come on... I speed play his entire comedy act and I have to tell you; I'm having a hard time keeping a straight face right now. This man just delivered some of the, well, let me just show you first hand. Let's start with this gem:
Quote:At what point does it look like I speak your fucking language?
Have you noticed that I'm not responding to you at all?
Why in the blue hell would you bother to keep talking at me?
I clear my throat as I begin,
"Alright so this piece needs some explanation behind it for you to all understand. What I believe is happening here, is John Raide is doing his best impersonation of Eli James IV. Quite clearly to me, Raide is speaking 'as' Eli 'to' another instance of John Raide. You see, John Raide has been doing his best for a number of weeks now to get under the skin of Eli James and, unfortunately for Mr. Raide, Eli has not responded to Raide's ridiculous attempts. Sure, Eli has verbally addressed Raide's incompetence but in no way has John Raide actually gotten Eli to respond to anything John Raide is trying to shove down his throat. Eli just hiccups it right back up in John's hideous face without digesting it and that makes John call him naughty names in return... to which, again, Eli gives no reaction that would suit Raide's wishes.
Good Ra Almighty... You really got into some cryptic territory there, Raide. I'm willing to bet nobody else in the entire world recognized what you were doing just then in that promo, but I did... ohhhhh I certainly did, and it pleases me to be the one to offer that explanation to the world. It's also clear that in your rendition of the Raide/James debacle, you see no sign of yourself ceasing the already clearly ineffective onslaught even though you can recognize it as monotonous and hopeless. Are you listening, Eli? Of course you're not; you don't need to... it's only John Raide pestering you and he's already been tuned out just like a yapping poodle." I can't help but wonder what John Raide is thinking when he mocks himself like this in his own promos, but alas I cannot guide that horse to water nor would I even try. Let's move on to the next bit:
Quote:Perhaps you'll indulge me on another rant.
"Oh my word," I say as I put my hand to my chest. Can we take it?
Quote:Here's the other issue I have with language barriers. If you're going to live here, know the language. I'm not fucking around on this. This is for your benefit as well as mine.
Now, before you start thinking I'm being xenophobic, please know that I support people from all walks of life. I don't care what you look like, dress like, color of your skin or even who you want to marry.
I'm very supportive of Peter Gilmour's same sex marriage to Ross Smith and Eli James' marriage to his husband Mystica. I'm glad they are able to find love in this lonely world of ours.
"So you've found a way to twist your primitive beliefs regarding 'language' into a Peter Gilmour joke, while additionally intertwining that with a homosexual jab toward Eli James and Mystica — because they're gay." I just stare at the camera...
really long; not looking angry, not even looking confused... just a blank expressionless stare. Ah, and there's the blink. Took a while.
"Can you explain to me, dear Mr. Raide, what has allowed you to dig Eli and Mystica out of whatever closet they must have so deeply buried themselves in? I mean, if nobody else legitimately believes they are homosexuals, how did you come across whatever evidence and how is it that you were the only male on the roster with enough expertise to recognize the evidence as such? Or is it just a running gag for everyone to claim Eli and Mystica are homosexual males? I wouldn't know; I don't care about either of those pieces of insignificant trash. Unlike John Raide, I spent my time with the Congregation showing them that they cannot measure up to me in actual matches; not running behind Eli and nipping at his heels every time somebody else temporarily knocks him off balance. You spend your time baiting a force that I've already left behind me in my conquests. Let me know the day you finally work past them—or even get them to notice you—and then maybe you'll have enough courage to come at me with something other than a stand up comedy act."
Quote:There was something else I wanted to add, but I'm distracted by two yuppie idiots trying to impress the other with how knowledgable they are with current events. One is informing the other about how it snowed across the Middle East, including Egypt, Lebanon, Syria and Israel.
First time in a century...
"Where were you when this was happening, John? Clearly not paying attention or you'd know I only referenced the snowfall in Egypt while citing a source that happened to mention those other areas. My only point, and I understand if this went miles above your head, was that the doubting fools of the XWF who had mocked my references of snow and Egypt were now seeing just how fast my words do clamp around the throat of your reality. I was pointing out that when I speak of time, be it past or future, I am correct. There was no geographical lesson in play this week, you underdeveloped comedian. Those other areas are of no concern to me, in case you haven't noticed my name by now."
Quote:It's obvious that it snowed there because Santa (real Santa, not Eli James in the role of Meth Head Santa Claus) is coming to town!
Golly-gee-fucking-whiz guys!
My jaw drops. If only Unknown Soldier were nearby, this would be me begging for his dead cock. I need a drink of water before I continue addressing Mr. Raide. He's taking more out of me than I had anticipated... This man knows how to bring the pain and I'm not sure if I can survive round two. We'll see in just a few moments...
...
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