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Dr. Zero · (12-07-2013)

“Just because the Super Squad R5 is on our payroll, doesn’t mean they don’t have a misguided sense of heroism. How do you plan on getting them to attack Parts Unknown? Surely, they will be aware of the citizens there,” Christopher Thalmond, apparent head of The Order of the Owl said to Lenny Johnson in a very private meeting.

Lenny took a long drag off of a cigarette. Marlboro Red. It had been his key vice for 35 years now and his voice definitely let you know that. “Of course we can’t get the SSR5 to attack Parts Unknown. We’d have to make up some elaborate story to get that to happen and, as momma always said, ‘Simpler is better.’”

Lenny walked across Thalmond’s office and gazed out the window to a gorgeous shot of New York City.

“Nah. I got us a plan. What time is it?”

Thalmond checked his clock. “2200,” he answered.

“Check the TV. Flip it over to Fox.” Lenny twitched his silver, yet tobacco stained mustache. Thalmond turned on the television.

A nameless talking head appeared on the screen. “It’s preposterous! This is what Obama’s America looks like and it’s only going to get worse with this…OBAMACARE! He lied to us! Let’s just face it! You CAN’T KEEP YOUR INSURANCE PLAN, PEOPLE! WAKE UP! Then you’ve got…New York…banning cigarettes and soft drinks…,” Lenny flicks his cigarette. “And now, I don’t even know what is going on with this. It just seems so unbelievable. Wisconsin is placing a ban on all cheese being exported from the state!? This is what happens to a Socialist state! You can’t have your health insurance plan you want, police are wiping your mind clean with fluoride in your water and now you can’t even have Wisconsin CHEESE CURDS! Kids LOVE cheese curds and they voted for this…this TERRORIST!”

Lenny smiles brightly as Thalmond turns off the television. “Right on cue,” Lenny tells him.

“And what is this supposed to do?” Thalmond asks.

This narrator will now take you to a scene taking place at that exact moment as Dr. Zero zaps his office television into dust. Nurse X politely sweeps the ashes into a dustpan.

“CHEESE!? THEY’RE BANNING CHEESE!?” Dr. Zero screams in a fit of rage. “There is NO reason for it, Nurse X! NOT ONE! They’re doing this to spite me, I tell you! This is an absolute OUTRAGE! Who told them? Nurse X! WHO TOLD THEM I LOVE WISCONSIN CHEESE CURDS!? FIND THE MOLE!”

Dr. Zero marches back and forth in his office, frantically trying to think of a plan. “I just ran out…,” he keeps mumbling to himself. “We have to strike back, Nurse X. Yes! We have to strike back at them! If they will not export the cheese curds themselves, we must TAKE the cheese curds. Assemble the Strike Team 7 at once.”

“Yuh suh,” she says as she rushes out of the room.

In less than two hours, Dr. Zero and Strike Team 7 (a team of 7 Minions whose numbers are not really relevant as they were just rushed together by Nurse X since Strike Team 7 had not previously existed nor had Strike Teams 1-6) had touched ground in Bloomfield, Wisconsin pop. 5,537.

They immediately went to work raiding several farms. They snatched all the dairy products they could find along with several cows and used portable teleporters to send them back to Dr. Zero’s lab. Police came and were dealt with.

Lenny Johnson had already dispatched SSR5.

Dr. Zero snatched an old farmer out of his living room and dragged him into his front yard. He aimed a blaster at the old man’s head as he trembled.

“WHERE DO YOU TRADE YOUR CHEESES!?” Dr. Zero demanded an answer. Now that the farms were raided, he was intent on attacking the local grocer’s as well. “WHERE ARE THE CURDS!?”

Suddenly, out of the sky, came 5 color-coded warriors. Jerome-the black one…wearing black, of course, Ethan-the effeminate one in turquoise, Kat-the perky girl in pink, Tina-the girl with the gothic sensibilities in purple, and Jackson-the perceived lead in gold.

“Turds? This chicken-headed weirdo’s looking for turds?” joked Jerome, as he does.

“Tee-hee! That’s gross!” said Kat. Tina rolled her eyes.

Dr. Zero cocked his head, perplexed by this team. Each were wearing helmets with rhino horns. He would have thought they looked ridiculous had it not been for…well…It is Dr. Zero.

Ethan cartwheeled toward Dr. Zero, zipping right between two of his Minions and slapped the blaster from his hand. The old farmer ran, or rather hobbled away.

“CURSES!” shouted Dr. Zero. “STRIKE TEAM 7, ATTACK!”

A karate-battle ensued. Dr. Zero retreated just out of reach of the fight and got on his wrist communicator once it was obvious that his Minions were no match for the SSR5.

“Nurse X, activate Project Hyper-Squatch.”

Nurse X darted down a long hallway and came across a door labeled “PHS-DO NOT ENTER”. She pressed her finger against a print-reader and entered a code into a number-pad. The doors opened with a “swish”. Nurse X stepped inside. She walked up to a large cage, and inside was a beast standing around 12 ft. tall. The thing looked like a werewolf with bright green fur. It looked down at Nurse X.

“Ma…Mama,” it said.

Nurse X opened the cage and brushed it’s fur with her hand. “Uh tuhm,” she said. “Muhk muhmuh pruhd.”

The beast stepped out of the cage and stood up straight, with a sense of pride. Nurse X walked over to a console on the opposite end of the room and input Dr. Zero’s coordinates in a user-interface. A glowing door opened next to her. The monster leaned over to her, and she pressed her masked lips against his cheek. A single tear ran down her cheek as Hyper-Squatch stepped through the portal.

Strike Team 7 had started to regroup, thanks in no small part to Dr. Zero’s occasional interference. He would shoot in and trip Ethan, run behind Jerome and slap him in the back of the head…Small, annoying things that were distracting the members of SSR5 just enough to alter the course of battle.

“EVERYBODY, FALL BACK ON ME!” shouted Jackson, the one in gold.

“Since when do we take orders from you?” retorted Jerome.

“Right! I’m the leader of this group,” said Tina.

The whole team stopped and glared at one another. Then they saw it.

Out from the newly opened portal came Hyper-Squatch.

He roared and snatched up the nearest Minion who he then hurled at the SSR5. Tina and Ethan went tumbling.

“MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” laughed Dr. Zero because he was a dick like that. “YOU FOOLS CANNOT STOP ME! THE CHEESE CURDS ARE MINE!"

“Ohhhhh…’Curds’,” said Jerome, laughing to himself.

“Let’s get him!” Jackson ordered.

Jerome stood back for a moment, but the rest of the team decided to ignore the fight over who was in charge and head straight for the beast.

They carved through the Minions, disposing of the entire Strike Force and advanced on Hyper-Squatch. The fight dragged on for a moment, with Hyper-Squatch tossing the SSR5 around like they were nothing.

Hyper-Squatch snatched up Kat by her pink collar and roared in her face, spit splattering all over her face.

“Guh-ROSS! Say it, don’t spray it, buddy!” she said.

Kat clawed Hyper-Squatch’s eyes and, in that brief moment of weakness, Jerome rushed in from behind and kicked the monster right in his tiny, green dick.

He roared and tossed Kat to the side before falling to his knees.

“Curses,” whispered Dr. Zero to himself. He retrieved a device from his coat pocket and pressed a few buttons as the SSR5 celebrated their imminent victory.

“See? I told you guys who the leader was!” Jerome said.

Kat responded, “Umm…Like, it was me who set him up for you.”

A pink beam shot from the device in Dr. Zero’s hand and enveloped Hyper-Squatch. Suddenly, he started to grow…and grow…and grow. Within moments, he was 20 stories tall and staring down at the SSR5.

They all began to pose, oddly enough.

Jackson yelled, “SUPER SQUAD R5! MECHARHINO GO!”

From out of the sky shot 5 color-coded Rhino-themed robots, each corresponding to each member of SSR5. They all leapt and manned their respective robots.

Jackson said, “Alright, guys! Time to Mech-Up! I’ll form the head!”

“Naw, son. It’s time I’m in charge!” retorted Jerome.

The bickering continued, with their voices projecting from the robots. They finally did form one solid, humanoid like robot, standing just as tall as Hyper-Squatch.

The Mech punched Hyper-Squatch and sent him sliding back about 100 yards and destroying the farm that originated this encounter.

Dr. Zero, seeing that Hyper-Squatch would be no threat to the SSR5, thought to himself, “Hmm…They know nothing of teamwork. Perhaps it’s time to show them what a real team can do.”

He dialed up his wrist communicator one more time.

“Nurse X, deliver my coordinates to Egyptian Snow Pharaoh.”

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Super Squad R5 vs Hyper-Squatch
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