Following his escipades sexcipades on the Arizona State University campus Theo has finally returned to his car, a Black Escalade parked out in front of Wild Bob’s Pawn Shop. Theo fully expected that the bum that he had encountered earlier would find a way to destroy or otherwise defile Theo’s car and of course not to be let down by the universe that is exactly what Theo found. A slashed front driver’s side tire and what appear’s to be human feces smeared on the driver’s side window. Fucking great Theo thought. He could take a cab but that was clearly beneath him. He could call McBride to give him a lift, after all McBride was in town setting up a few warehouses with which he would run Theo’s side operations out of. But Theo thought it was better to let McBride be. After all, the man was making Theo money and wasting his time was wasting Theo’s money. A few seconds later Theo’s face lights up like he had just been struck by a bolt of lightning. Jimmy Durance, Theo’s personal bitch boy. Theo would call him and make him drive over and pick him up. Why didn’t he think of that sooner? What the fuck is wrong with Theo anyway? It might have been the lines of coke that he did off that one co-ed’s bare ass. Miranda? Melissa? He couldn’t remember and honestly names really aren’t that important to begin with. Theo reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out his cell phone, hits the screen a few times and the phone begins rining…


“Come on Jimmy pick up…”

“Pick up…”

“Pick up…”

“Hello this is Jimmy Durance, I am not available right now so if you would please leave your name, number, the time you called and what you are calling about I will return your call at my earliest convenience.”

“Is this kid fucking serious? Jimmy it’s Theo, you know, the mother fucking guy that pays your mother fucking salary. Where the fuck are you? Why did you not answer your fucking phone? Which I pay for by the way. No more. I’m taking that nice I-Phone. You can buy one of those old Nokia phones that look like a fucking brick for all I care. I’m down at the corner of Wilshier and Ziegler across from the ASU campus. Come and pick me up or so help me God I will tie you down and fuck your mother right in front of you. Oh, and I’ll kill your father. That’s my thing now. Killing people.”


Theo hangs up his phone and motions to throw it across the street but thinks better of it…


“What if that good for nothing mother fucker calls me back? I might still need this phone.”


Thankfully logic prevails and Theo pockets his phone. But not before taking out a small vile of white powder. He turns the powder slowly on it’s side and methodically dumps a small amount on the top side of his right hand’s thumb. He then lowers his head leaving his nose a few centimeters above his thumb and with one swift inhale the white powder disappears from his thumb and into his nose. He places the cap back on the vile and pockets it as well. Theo looks around trying to find a place to go, restaurants, nope, not hungry. Library? Who uses those anymore? Coffee shop? Nope, wired enough. A church?



“Yeah I got some shit I need to get off my chest.”


Theo takes his time and walks down the block and enters St. Francis’s Catholic Church. He looks around the place, obviously in shock that he didn’t burst into flames upon entering the building. The church is sparse with parishioners, which makes sense for 10 am on a Wednesday morning. Looking around he sees a big Crucifix at the front of the church, a statue of the Virgin Mary off to the left with a bank of candles in front of her and off to the right are two brown doors which appear to be the Confessional. One of the door’s opens and a young woman walks out of the room, blesses herself with the sign of the cross and makes her way towards the church’s exit. An older woman gets up from her seat roughly 5 feet away to enter the room but before she can she is stopped in her tracks by Theo who practically raced across the church to get to the door as quickly as he could.


“You can catch the next one.”


Before the woman has a chance to speak Theo quickly enters the confessional and slams the door shut in the lady’s face.


“Bless me Father for I have sinned. It’s been…oh shit…

“Son, we are in the House of God, we do not speak like that.”

“Shit, sorry about that Father. Anyway, it’s been…well I’ve actually never done this before, so it’s been my whole life and I’ve done a lot of sinning, especially lately.”

“Well if you have never done this before my Son, then how did you know what to say when you came in here?”

“The same way that anyone learns anything, TV and movies.”

“A sad state of affairs is it not?”

“I would agree with you there Father.”

“So tell me my Son, what brings you here today?”

“Well Father, I’ve was never what you would call a Saint growing up. I was never the Devil either but lately, well lately I’ve been involved in some stuff that, well, let’s just say there’s a place in Hell for me now.”

“No one is beyond redemption my Son.”

“All due respect father, but you’ve never walked a day in my shoes.”

“I don’t need to. I believe in the Love and all forgiving nature of our Lord and Savior.”

“The same guy who took out the population of the world with a flood? The same guy who created a man that took it upon himself to launch a holocaust against the very same people responsible for the death of your Lord and Savior’s son. I very much doubt that is a coincidence.”

“The Lord had nothing to do with the horrible events that were the Holocaust. As for the Great Flood, we aren’t talking about the same Savior anymore.”

“Yeah I get the concept of the Old Testament and the New Testament but let’s not act like your Lord and Savior is a guilt free man here.”

“Son, we are here to talk about you, not mock the Catholic Faith.”

“What is it with you Catholics? Every time anyone questions anything about the faith you assume we are mocking it. I’m just trying to have a discussion here.”

“Well then how about we get back to the topic that brought you here in the first place. You and your guilt.”

“I never said I felt guilty Father. I definitely feel something though.”

“Well then how about you talk to me about what you are feeling.”

“Well Father, a few days ago I fought in a wrestling match where the stipulation was that the loser had to be bloodied and then buried alive in human feces. The man who came up with the stipulation, I thought he was a friend, and to a degree a mentor. But he put that stipulation in there.”

“And I assume you lost this match?”

“No Father, I didn’t. I won. Shock to everyone but I did. But something happened, I don’t know it is but it changed me and not for the better.”

“Is that all?”

“That’s not even the beginning of it. A day or so after that I murdered two men, shot them both in the head.”

“Let me stop you right there Son, you cannot tell me things of this nature if you have no desire to repent for those actions. From everything you have told me here so far, you have no desire to ask for forgiveness is that right?”

“I don’t believe I deserve it Father.”

“Everyone deserves Forgiveness and that is what makes our Lord and Savior so great, he will grant it to anyone who truly asks for it, who truly wants believes that they have committed wrongs and want to atone for them.”

“Well you see Father, I’m not done yet. Yesterday I committed Adultery.”

“You are married?”

“No Father, I was with a woman, actually she’s a vampire, but either way, she is married. At least I think she is. I’m not totally sure on that point.”

“Son there is no such thing as Vampires and now I feel like you are just here to tell a story.”

“There are Vampires father, there are also people from Outer Space. I went back in time with one. He’s a nice a guy by the way. A little bit crazy but on the whole a pretty good dude. Of course he is about to marry another man so he wouldn’t be welcomed here within these walls.”

“Vampires, Time Travel, Space Men, son are you under the influence of anything at this moment?”

“Oh absolutely, but that has nothing to do with any of this. Everything I am saying to you is 100% accurate. Even if it sounds like 100% bullshit.”

“Son, mind where you are.”

“Right Father. Sorry about that Father. A few weeks ago I entered into an agreement with an individual whose idea of a good time is slaughtering billions for his cause. Now, that might sound crazy but considering what I do for my day job I really don’t think it’s that big of a deal. Now of course it all turns upside down and said individual is now dating my sister.”

“So you are ok doing business with this man but you don’t want him near your family? Is that it?”

“You know Father, I don’t know what it is. Despite this guy’s plans he’s probably the best thing to ever happen to my sister. Sad as that is to say. Oh, and I just found out she was my sister a month or so ago. Half sister actually, My father, her mother. It happened, and here we are.”

“I can see that a lot has gone on in your life lately. Many things that may have you questioning your Faith and your purpose here on God’s Earth but as I said before, no one is beyond redemption.”

“Oh but here’s the kicker Father. Last night I went to a party and witnessed a human sacrifice.”

“A what?”

“A human sacrifice. A woman was turned into a potato, then bleed and people drank her blood.”

“OK Son, I think we are about done here. Son I truly hope you find whatever it is you are looking for but it’s not here. That much I know for sure.”

“So much for being the Great Listener. Any particular prayers I should say on my way out? Or should I just expect to light on fire as soon as I step out of this here Confessional?”

“I could tell you to say a few prayers but it doesn’t like you really care one way or the other. You aren't here for forgiveness. I'm not entirely sure why you came here today, but Son, please take my advice. Take some time to look at your life, what it has become and where you want it to go. I said it a few times already but no one is beyond Salvation. If a time comes where you truly feel as though you want to atone for the wrongs you have committed, this place will be here for you. That is God’s Promise.”

“Thanks Father.”


Theo gets up and walks out of the confessional, catching eyes with the woman whom he wronged just a few moments ago.


“May the Lord Have Mercy on Your Soul.”

“Blow it out your ass you all hag.”