"Welcome back everyone," says an exuberant Jerry Springsprong, yelling over the noise of the audience and currently dancing club-style with a very attractive young alien who has three eyes and green skin. Jerry slaps the alien on the ass and walks back up to the center of the set. Egyptian Snow Pharaoh is still sitting inside of that glass booth which is said to be made of bullet, laser and teleport proof glass. Jerry looks at the audience and gets an excited expression on his face as he says, "Alright so as all of our regular viewers know, we're going to be putting ten contestants through some very intense and unexpected competitions. Every week we change things up so nobody knows what to expect. These ten individuals will be tested to their limits and they will also find themselves testing each other... which as we all know is 'code' for–"
The entire audience says with Jerry, "somebody's gonna die."
"Ah ha, yes yes my friends — tonight we are going to see somebody get got... so let's get right to it, shall we? It's time to bring out the contestants!"
Everyone starts cheering and a "Springsprong...Springsprong..." chant explodes. "Thank you, thank you," says Jerry with a grin from ear to ear as he waits for the audience to calm.
"So without further ado, let's meet the first contestant."
A large flat screen television lowers down at the back of the set and an introductory clip of the first contestant is shown:
The Tonze
Currently residing on Earth, this man has gained quite a reputation for himself among a younger generation of humans in a small town. Known for frequenting a certain diner that is a guaranteed hot spot for chicks, The Tonze doesn't seem to take no for an answer when it comes to which lovely lady he's going to take home that night.
(Earlier Today)This contestant said: "The ladies they always ask me– 'oh Tonze, where did you get that nick name?' – and next thing they know, they are finding out that Tonze is cool-talk for Tonsils and my tongue is giving all the lessons."
The audience finds The Tonze to be a little too cocky for his own good and they boo as his video clip ends. Jerry Springsprong laughs and happily presents, "The Tonze! Look out ladies."
The Tonze walks out from the back and looks Egyptian Snow Pharaoh up and down through the glass of the booth she's in. He wiggles his eyebrows at her and gets absolutely no response back. The audience is booing The Tonze as he shakes Jerry's hand and takes a seat. "Hello Tonze and welcome to the show. You've got a few seconds of airtime to quickly tell us exactly what brought you here and why you want a slave in Egyptian Snow Pharaoh."
The Tonze laughs and pulls a comb out of his leather jacket pocket. Some ladies and gay men go "Oooooo" and whistle as The Tonze runs the comb through his perfect hair and finally replies, "I have to correct what you said at the end there, Jerry. I don't want a slave in Egyptian Snow Pharaoh; I want to be in Egyptian Snow Pharaoh. No slave is going in that Egyptian VaJayJay... only I am, Jerry. Are we cool on that?" He finishes combing his hair and tosses the comb into the audience. An actual fight breaks out between a man, woman, alien and robot. The four of them end up having to be separated by security (lead by a Bald man named Steve Bilbos, of course) and thrown out into a nearby wormhole.
Jerry Springsprong, being the professional that he is, does his best to ignore the commotion going on and he turns the attention back to what The Tonze just said. "You know, Tonze, I didn't mean what I said in the way you think I did."
"Huh?"
"I mean, I was implying Egyptian Snow Pharaoh is the slave you want..." Jerry seems unsure of whether The Tonze is even following along but he continues nonetheless, "which of course by your statement would suggest she's going to be your rape kitten for the rest of her life just like I told her."
The Tonze just laughs, looks over toward Pharaoh and wiggles his tongue between two fingers. No reaction from Pharaoh. She remains sitting inside of that clear glass booth, just watching and listening to everything that transpires.
"Alrighty then... Let's bring out contestant number two."
The flat screen starts to play the intro clip for this man...
Chairman Guantanamo
A man that needs no introduction — Chairman Guantanamo has been at the head of the most controversial intergalactic space wrestling company for over thirty years, during which he has ruthlessly snuffed out much of his competition by forceful and underhanded means. The Chairman is said to have big plans for Egyptian Snow Pharaoh.
(Earlier Today)This contestant said: "If I can get that beautiful, naked beast to wrestle for my company, I would have the biggest "business erection" in the entire universe for about a week and a half... after which I'll need to pinpoint another conquest and the cycle will go on. I'll stop at nothing to make Egyptian Snow Pharaoh mine!"
The clip ends as Chairman Guantanamo walks out and receives almost as many boos as The Tonze did earlier. The Chairman shakes hands with Jerry Springsprong and takes a seat next to The Tonze. "Welcome to the show, Chairman. If you'd like to take this time to briefly tell us what brought you here and why you plan to make Egyptian Snow Pharaoh your slave."
"It's simple, really. I'll finally be able to finish crushing my competition, WCSW (World Championship Space Wrestling) into moon dust and take my company to the very top. This Egyptian Snow Pharaoh might be contractually obligated to wrestle for the XWF while she's on Earth, but that contract doesn't at all affect what happens in other wrestling territories. She'll not only be my slave but she'll be my number two star, right under Superman."
An alien in the audience who resembles a large squid with bat wings decides to yell, "Fuck Superman! We're tired of you shoving him down our throats week after week. He sucks!" Several other audience members all join in and a small "Superman sucks" chant begins.
Chairman Guantanamo rolls his eyes and says, "You guys have no idea what's best for business. Superman is the face of the company because Superman Sells. You might not like it but your kids sure do, and that means his merchandise is what's flying off the intergalactic shelves in every dimension we perform in."
Jerry calms down the audience and quickly moves on to the next introduction... "We've got to keep things moving so we don't run short on time. Let's meet the next contestant!" The flat screen flickers back to life with almost as much energy as this individual...
The Energizer Bunny
Said to keep going and going... and going... and going... and going... and going... and going... Few faces in history are as universally recognizable as this energetic fellow... but what does he want with a slave?
(Earlier Today)This contestant said: "I've been pounding drums so freaking long that my stinking fur went from pink to brown. It's about time I get me a bitch to do the work for me so I can sit on my freaking furry ass for once!"
As one might have expected, the audience loves this. They cheer, whistle, honk, bleep and every other noise in between. The Energizer Bunny walks out — a completely exposed body of nothing but brown, matted, positively revolting hair from head to toe. Jerry Springsprong looks shocked as he says, "Now hold the phone... you don't even have a drum. Are you sure you're the real Energizer Bunny?"
"The stinking thing is in the back. Get off my hairy sack already. I'm here to grab me a slave bitch... not to take lip from a dip who can't skip."
"Oh ok then... I guess I can't argue with that," says Jerry very sarcastically while rolling his eyes and then letting out a loud huff of exasperation. "Anyway, let's move right along and meet our next contestant. This next chap is somebody who I'm proud to call a personal friend of mine."
The flat screen begins to play the clip as Jerry Springsprong looks on fondly...
Sir Quackendocker
Real Estate mogul—eligible bachelor—philanthropist; three of the top entries from a staggering "about me" section on Match.com. Like most of the entries on the list, these three items have absolutely nothing to do with the man himself. Meet... Sir Quackendocker.
(Earlier Today)This contestant said: "I'm whatever you want me to be, baby. If you're a damsel in distress, I'm your knight in shining armor. If your house is on fire, I'm your burly firefighter who will put out more than just the fire in your kitchen if you know what I mean. If you're under 18, I have an ID that says the same thing about me. If you're in your 30's then I'm right there with you. I'll do whatever it takes, say whatever has to be said, sign whatever need be signed, and go wherever I need to go to get with her. Who's "her" you ask? Don't matter... could be anyone. Your wife, his wife over there, their daughter, your mother, my mother, the crossing guard, the nurse, the bank teller, the ladies that work at the old folks home, the old folks."
Once again, another generous reaction from our rambunctious studio audience. Sir Quackendocker comes sauntering out from the back like he owns the place. He's wearing a yellow shirt with palm trees all over it and a pair of blue cargo shorts. Jerry meets him on the center of the set and shakes his hand, eagerly asking him the question everyone is anxious to know: "Welcome to the show, Sir Quackendocker. Please do tell; what brings you here and what plans have you for this Egyptian slave should she become yours tonight?"
Instead of answering with words, Sir Quackendocker's head jiggles forward and back rapidly as a sound much like "Giggity giggity goo goo" exists his mouth. He wiggles his eyebrows at Jerry and winks before turning his attention to Egyptian Snow Pharaoh and waving hello. He walks up and observes the glass booth she is in; a smile drawn across his face as one of his eyebrows begins to raise. "You know, girl," says Sir Quackendocker as he runs his finger along the glass. "I'm the Glass Guy. I'm here to get you out of this glass box." The audience members all catch Sir Quackendocker's slick moves and let out ooh's and aww's of respect for his game, even if there is a complete absence of reaction from Egyptian Snow Pharaoh herself.
"Alright well if you could go ahead and take your seat, we've got another contestant to meet."
The flat screen flashes back to life and something appears on screen that nobody could have seen coming.
E-Brains
The living brain of slain gang leader "E-Money" — Beaten to near-death by Detective Lieutenant James Boulder and subsequently finished off with a crowbar through the face from Egyptian Snow Pharaoh, the brain of E-Money still somehow lives on and has been transplanted into a large glass jar. It is unclear what powers or abilities E-Brains possesses in his/its current state.
(Earlier Today)This contestant said: "Yo what up my niggas I got this shit on lockdown. I'm already a former master to this psycho bitch so I've got the experience advantage. Once I get my slave bitch back, we comin fo dat little bitch ass Boulder."
The clip ends and the audience gives a rather confused reception — some gasps, some low murmurs, a few what the fucks. E-Brains is wheeled out from the back on a large dinner cart and his jar is resting on top of a pillow. "Welcome to the show," says Jerry as E-Brains' cart is situated between Sir Quackendocker and the next empty seat. "So tell us; what brings you to our show and what pl–"
"Bitch, shut da fuck up! Was yo ass not listening when they played my shit just a few seconds ago and my intentions were dropped on a mothafucka long as they head ain't up they ass?"
Jerry can't help but chuckle a little as this brain in a jar on a dinner cart is ripping into him. "Right, well at least you didn't lose any of your 'thugsta' talk when you lost your body. Good to know." Some bubbles rise up in the jar from underneath the brain, possibly signifying a dislike for Jerry's comments.
"Well enough of that; we've got another contestant to meet."
The flat screen begins to play a video as many of the audience members instantly start to boo...
Superman
Aggressively pushed as the number one wrestler in all of existence and nonexistence, this workhorse knows how to get it done both in the ring and out of the ring. Chairman Guantanamo has declared that he will continue to push Superman down all of our throats until the day that days stop. Wrestling purists may not be a fan of his style or physical build, but recent surveys have revealed children and hatchlings to prefer Superman over all over wrestlers because of his bright colors.
(Earlier Today)This contestant said: "I'll probably be the only brain on the show tonight so naturally I will have the advantage. Once I win this competition and gain the Egyptian wench as my servant, I'll inhabit her body and wreak havoc on the herd of Space Jellyfish that did this to meeeeeeee!"
The audience is in shock. How? How are there two contestants in a row who are brains? More importantly why does one of them have to be the hated Superman? With Jerry Springsprong's fan base being primarily older than that of Superman, it's easy to see that he doesn't have many fans here. "Welcome to the show, Superman," says Jerry as Superman actually floats out from the back on his own free will. He hovers over E-Brains for a few seconds and allows his tentacles to drip all over the jar as a way to say "I'm better than you" before floating up to Jerry and delivering a rather slimy hand-to-tentacle shake. The audience boos Superman as he smiles at them and waves with his tentacle like the antagonizing cunt he is. "So you're planning to inhabit Egyptian Snow Pharaoh's body if you leave here with her tonight? How exactly does that work?"
"It's a rather simple process," Superman explains, moving his tentacles in the air like they were hands as he does so. "You see I elongate myself to the length of a football field which stretches me incredibly thin so I can slowly enter one of her nostrils and make my way into her head, slowly devouring her brain as I fill up the inside of her skull with my own mass."
"That's a very pretty picture. Thank you for sharing," says Jerry as the fans boo Superman relentlessly and call him disrespectful names. "Calm yourselves please... I need you guys to get ready to look up as soon as this video finishes playing." Everyone watches the flat screen as the footage begins...
Saturn
Once believed to be just another planet, Saturn finally revealed himself to be a massive robot that was built by the same aliens who were contracted to build all solar systems in existence. While these mysterious beings are believed to be extinct, their creations live on as is evident with the existence of Saturn.
(Earlier Today)This contestant said: "I could consume an entire universe in less than a week. I have the power to destroy empires in the blink of an eye. I cannot and will not be stopped."
As soon as the clip ends, the roof opens up to reveal Saturn in robot form looming dangerously close. "Welcome, Saturn! (yelling as loud as possible, up into the sky) I'm glad we could figure out a way for you to join us! Take a moment and tell us what your plans are if you should win it all tonight and become Egyptian Snow Pharaoh's master."
Saturn's voice rumbles as the building shakes at the power of his voice — "I plan to transform the Egyptian Snow Pharaoh into the perfect weapon, and I intend on accomplishing that by producing an end product that is but a mere 35% biological. The rest of her body shall be replaced by a technology I have perfected after centuries of experimenting, and she will become the finest piece of equipment that any war has ever had the pleasure of harboring." The rumbling of Saturn's voice has caused the jar containing E-Brains to vibrate to the edge of the cart and fall to the floor, shattering into hundreds of pieces. The wet brain convulses and flops similarly to a large fish out of water as Jerry Springsprong looks on with concern...
"Should we do something?" E-Brains flops around for a few more seconds and then begins to shrivel up. "E-Brains? Are you ok?" Jerry kneels down and looks closely at the shriveled up brain. He pokes it with a pen and it instantly crumbles into a pile of ash. Jerry quickly jumps back and throws the pen out of his hand, saying "I didn't do it... but it looks like E-Brains is already out of the running. Luckily we have three more contestants waiting to be introduced, so let's meet our next one."
The flat screen flickers to life as the audience is stunned by what they see.
The Earl of Western Sex
Up until today believed to only be a fairytale character, The Earl of Western Sex has risen from the shadows to claim his Egyptian slave. The Earl of Western Sex was originally a tale that much of the western world began telling as a bedtime story; the premise being that a ravenous mutant freak by the name "Earl" would maim and possibly remove the genitals of his victims in the night if they went out after curfew.
(Earlier Today)This contestant said: "Aack!"
The audience is mostly in awe as this mythical creature comes scampering out, revealing his true size to be about a foot tall. "Welcome to the show, Earl. Can you tell us a li–"
"Aack!"
"Ah yes, Ack to you as well. I was wondering if y&ndash"
"Aack!!"
Jerry stares silently into the camera for a few seconds as a few more Aacks are sent his way by the Earl of Western Sex who continuously paces back and forth along the set, gawking curiously at people and shifting its body in unusual contortions.
"Oooooookay then. Well at least our next contestant is somebody who I know speaks a real language. Let's take a look..."
The flat screen starts rolling the footage of a man who needs no introduction.
Dennis Rodman
The man
The myth
The legend. Currently playing for a rumored 500 professional basketball teams across all of existence and nonexistence at the same time, this sports god has no time for anything other than basketball.
(Earlier Today)This contestant said: "I heard Egyptian Snow Pharaoh likes wrestling butt naked and I thought to myself I can get down with that. That's the type of girl I could take with me to the games and know my balls are in the best and most capable hands. I ain't got time for affection... cuddling... watching movies... romantic dinners... talking. None of that shit is on my ball schedule and it won't be on ESP's schedule either when she's waiting for me bare ass naked in my private locker room after the games!"
Dennis Rodman jumps out from the back and receives an incredible standing ovation; quite possibly the loudest of the night so far because he's dribbling two basketballs at the same time — with one hand! In the other hand he has a bottle of Gatorade Rain Berry that he's drinking from at the same time. Jerry Springsprong and everyone else are cheering and hollering as Dennis Rodman does a few back flips while drinking Gatorade and dribbling two balls.
"My word, what an impressive showing as always. What a pleasure it is to have you here, Dennis. So you're basically looking to make Egyptian Snow Pharaoh your perfect woman, huh?"
"You know it, Jerry. I've got to get served in the small amount of time I'm not serving sucka ass niggaz on the basketball court." Dennis does the moonwalk while dribbling... and his entire head turns into a basketball. His basketball head spins around and around on his shoulders before falling off and getting dribbled along with the other two balls. He continues doing parlor tricks as Jerry Springsprong grabs our attention.
"It's time for the final contestant and we're about to meet him right now!"
The flat screen flickers to life but something seems wrong...
Dr. Hero
???
(Earlier Today)This contestant said: "???"
The audience is unsure what to make of this as Dr. Hero comes walking out and takes a seat on set, right in the empty chair Saturn was too large to sit in. He makes no eye contact with anyone and ignores Jerry completely.
"You know... I'm not even sure this 'guy' is supposed to be here. Who are you again?"
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