Threaded Mode | Linear Mode

SolemnIncline · (03-30-2025)

(The following is a repost of a roleplay by yours truly for a character called Whoa Man a long time ago. Also mentioned, Jordan Penn, another one of my characters who shares a pic base with SEB. Separated at birth, maybe? Enjoy!)

On a day like this, it was very difficult to differentiate sea from sky, blue from blue. This was a few weeks ago. I don’t really care to look up the exact date. Irrelevant, if you ask me. Suffice to say it was more recent than a month ago and less recent than yesterday. Anyway, you probably already hate me as a narrator. Whatever. Don’t listen. See if I care.

If you’re still with me, you’re in for a treat, let me tell you a story. What kind of story, you ask? A freaking sweet one. You see, on this day, the sky was very clear, beautiful even. The ocean too. I nearly forgot the bitter taste of its salt concoction. For a time, I even forgot about the dangers of the ocean. I was just awed, taking it all in, and then I saw it. It could not believe my eyes.

You see, a lot of people were in Malibu that day. Some of them chose to surf because the tide was just perfect. That’s the thing about Southern California, it never truly sees winter weather. Yeah, it gets a little cool at night and the wind can be as bitter as any ocean water, but, for the most part, it freaking rocks here.

But, once in a while, a surfer nicks himself in the midst of his shred session and doesn’t even realize it. In even rarer instances, an ocean dweller catches its scent and hasn’t eaten in a while. This was the perfect storm of once in a while and even rarer. One poor surfer had bailed earlier in the day, just minutes prior. Cut was on his left elbow; a simple, seemingly innocuous detail for some, but it made all the difference in the world that day, in that very moment, for this particular surfer.

Or at least it would have, had this been any other beach on any other day. You see, there’s an integral piece of the story I’ve not yet shared: infamous surferhero Whoa Man had been spotted in the area, performing amazing feats of strength and courage. The guy came out of relative obscurity to become somewhat of a sensation amongst the locals...kind of like Jeremy Lin. Though I doubt even Linsanity can live up to the kind of hype Whoa Man has garnered.

I wasn’t there, so I can neither confirm nor deny all the rumors, but in the span of the week, Whoa Man had been spotted surfing the sky, riding a dolphin, sorry two dolphins, using them like skis, reattaching that girl that inspired Soul Surfer, then making out with her, all while still having time for daily lunches with Dean Cain and John Stamos. Again, these are just rumors, people. I for one believe every word.

But back to the freaking shark story. So, to recap, unlucky surfer dude had a great fall and sliced his elbow on his board. So, and again, I’m not sure how common shark sightings are in Malibu, but a Great White shark must have been really hungry, because, as the wave rider was well, riding a wave, he was also dripping blood into the water. I could see what looked like a shark’s dorsal fin rising out of the water behind him. I tried to shout a warning, as did many others, though many of the beach goers chose to run and scream. Not that I’m blaming them. Even if he’d heard me, the Shark was too close and too quick for him. He was at the mercy of the ocean and the shark.

The grey creature breached the water and made for his left arm. The surfer, clearly terrified, tried to maneuver out of harm’s way, but let’s face it, harm was damn Great White. Harm was hungry. But I am telling you, this green blur sped out of nowhere and in seconds came between the surfer and the shark. Just like that, the shark flopped aside, back into the water and disappeared from view. The first three words out of my mouth began with “what” and “the” and ended in an expletive.

The surfer made it safely to shore and my guess is, it will be a while until he enters the water again, if at all. I struggled to grasp what happened, until a guy near me asked if I had seen that. I replied with a “yes, of course” and followed up with “What was that?” Dude got everything on his digital camera. He was able to replay the footage for me in slow motion and what I saw was a green blur, which became a man, clad in green, with a cape and a mask. Whoa Man. The shark’s teeth were mere inches from embedding themselves into human flesh and tearing ligaments and muscles apart. Whoa Man struck the shark in an upward motion as he blew by at incredible speed, with his fist. Whoa.

“I’m every Whoa Man, it’s all in me. Rest in Peace, Whitney Houston. I’d say the same to the four men I’ll face on Monday: rest peacefully until then, because you won’t rest easy after facing me. I may be heroic, but when I’m in the wrestling ring, all bets are off. I can go in that ring. Now, you certainly wouldn’t know that because I’m the new guy, the unknown. Who the heck is Whoa Man and is he for real?” That sentiment probably sums up a lot of people’s feelings right now. It’s cool. It won’t take long for people to make room in their weekly routine for the most amazing person alive today."

“I’m not cocky, okay. I’m just saying, yest, while I dabble in surferheroics, and dabble often and dang well, mind you, I excel in wrestling techniques. I can make you tap in seconds flat, or I can draw out a match and carry you to something you couldn’t achieve with anyone else: a five star showcase. I’ll make you look good just by being near me. Again, not cocky, just amazing. That’s all.”

“So far I’ve gotten very little from my opponents. Last week, both Ace Wylde and Andrew Mason suffered losses on Massacre. This match marks the debut of Psico Payaso, or Psycho Clown and yours truly, the one and only surferhero and currently only superhero to still uphold some sort of values, in the XWF. Then we have Ghost, who last stepped foot in an XWF ring back at the Lord of the Ring pay-per-view. Sadly, Ace Wylde hasn’t seemed to have learned anything since his loss last week to Jordan Penn, a man who apparently is trying to better himself, something I would do if it were at all possible to be any better than I already am. An impressive showing from both men, but Ace Wylde apparently didn’t impress Massacre GM Eric Anderson enough, as he feels he was put in a pointless match this week. He stated that no titles are on the line, nor any title shots. Excuse me? Ace Wylde, are you forgetting that you returned to the XWF fold after several years last week and lost? What makes you think you’re deserving of a title shot?”

“Could I beat any champion in the XWF? Maybe. More likely than not to tell you the truth, but I know how this system works. You’ve got to get wins and earn your way to the top and I am fine with that. For now, I’m just enjoying the ride. I’m chill, like I always am. Keep calm, you’re the bomb, my therapist would probably tell me if I needed a therapist...which I don’t. Mason and this Psycho Clown have been quiet so far, but I won’t count them out just yet. That’s the referee’s job. Huh? See what I did there?”

“Then there’s Ghost. Don’t even get me started on this freak. What kind of guy runs around in a mask and full body tights and does shameless acrobatics to impress the crowd? Oh. That’s right. But no matter how hard he tries, this Ghost dude isn’t going to impress like I can. So he’s an eighth generation wrestler? So what? I’m a first generation, first edition, surferhero, people. I’m one of a kind and he’s just another failed wrestler donning a mask to get attention. Don’t look at me, I never said anything about Scott Charlotte. Your mind just inferred that because, well, he’s just another failed wrestler donning a mask to get attention. Totally different from me. Not from Ghost, but from me.”

“You haven’t heard the last from me, XWF and I would imagine not from my opponents either, so stay tuned Surfernatics. I will make you say whoa, week after week. Or your money back. I mean, I would assume someone has the means to reimburse all of you for the price of admission. Jordan “Moneybags” Penn, maybe? No matter, it won’t be necessary.”

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode A Blast from the Past! (Whoa Man Vs. The Shark!)
Author	Message