“Hello everybody my name is Roger and it is truly a dream come true of mine to be here with you today, because last night I had a dream of being with you today and now here I am at the first ever JOSEPH-AND-ROGER-CON. We will be kicking off today’s festivities with a panel of Qs and also of As, where the ‘Q’ stands for ‘Questions’ and the ‘A’ stands for 'Answer’. Does anybody have a Q in need of Aing? Yes, you there?”

A man leans into a microphone before the audience.

”Yes, my Q is… what’s so amazing about foggy London?”

FWISH! Beside the stage, a portal opens! From it storms Roger’s half-brother - master necromancer, Hollywood man of sex, and pretty good glassblower, that bitch Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

“I thought we agreed to let the other Rogers and Josephs do all the panels?”

“Right… err, yes. Please direct all Roger-related Qs in need of As to the other Roger panellist. I love you all, and if you see any time-travelling assassins - remember they are easily fooled by ruses involving X-Bux. Ciao!”

Roger and that bitch Joseph Gordon-Levitt step through the portal, leaving the panel to…


”Hello my name is Roger Federer and when I first came to London, someone said ‘Roger you’re good at tennis could you win Wimbledon’ and I said what’s Wimbledon, and he said ‘wimble-down-on-deez-nuts’...”

---

The portal takes Roger and his half-brother to the center of a bustling auditorium!

JOSEPH-AND-ROGER-CON Josephs Welcome! (Rogers tolerated)

“This might be the best JOSEPH-AND-ROGER-CON anyone has ever thrown. At least top three. I have met so many nice Rogers like Roger Ferrari that we left back there and I even met a Joseph who was very good at cuddling and if I had to arrange everyone I’ve met into a tier lis–”

“Just remember, this is all a charade. Our purpose isn't fraternizing.”

”...Tisn’t?”

”T’ain’t!”

Roger grins. JGL exhales, knowing he just said ‘taint’.

“This is the culmination of our mission to stop who’s murdering all the Rogers/Josephs!!”

“That's pretty good thinking for an evil whore of a human being. If we gather all the Rogers and the Josephs in the same place, they’ll be far saf–”

“The mysterious force won’t be able to resist coming here to kill them!!” JGL fiendishly wrings his hands. ”It’s a honeypot!”

“Oh bother, I forgot to bring my honey dipper! Is there enough honey to go round? I love honey though I prefer it in jars rather than po–”

”H-H-Hey!”

Jake Borden approaches, sporting a convention t-shirt reading ‘PROUD FATHER OF A ROGER’!

”R-R-Roger!”

Many convention attendees turn around.

”Me?” A dozen-and-a-half say in unison.

”Er… w-w-what-I-mean-is…”

”Jake Borden! My cherished friend and also future biological father in the past - but not the past that you’re from; a different past that hasn’t happened yet!”

Jake side-steps through many confused Rogers to his Roger.

”This c-c-convention is gr-gr-great! I-I-I’m l-l-learning so m-m-much about R-R-Roger c-c-culture!”

Jake extends a brochure…


”D-d-did you know that R-R-Rogers p-p-produce four-point-EIGHT-percent of the w-w-world’s dinner c-c-conversation?”

”I do now, Jake Borden!”

”A-a-also!” Jake retrieves from his pocket…

A somewhat-melted Roger-Ebert-shaped ice-cream treat!

Jake gives it to Roger!

”A delicious icy face! Thank you Jake Borden but also… why Jake Borden?”

”W-w-well… a-a-after we s-s-saw f-f-future me… er… b-b-bedding y-y-your m-m-mother… and y-y-you were s-s-surprised, I-I-I r-r-realized f-f-future m-m-me must not have b-b-been around!”

Jake flips the pamphlet, where he’s scrawled a crude checklist.

”M-m-maybe we c-c-could do things P-P-Papa Borden and I did! Like‘spl-spl-split ice-cream’, ‘c-c-carry y-y-you on my sh-sh-shoulders’ and…”

Jake dry-swallows. ”Sp-sp-speaking of b-b-bedding, should we d-d-discuss the… er… b-b-birds ‘n b-b-b-b…honeybees.”

“I learned lots about birds and about honeybees at camp as a wee Roger on holiday with my dearest mummy along the banks of the river Avon where you and I shall soon do battle together once again. Also, my darling Molly who is fifteen months pregnant with my child told me about how birds and bees also make the sex together.”

”...O-o-oh! Gr-gr-great!”

”...C-c-could you ex-ex-explain it? Y-y-y’know, so I-I-I know you u-understand it.”

”...C-c-cuz I… h-h-have.”

…

”...Done s-s-ssss… ‘intercourse’, I-mean.”

“If I wasn’t the only necromancer here, I’d wish someone would kill me!”

”KILL ALL ROGERS/JOSEPHS!”

WHAM! Bursting through the auditorium’s ceiling…

A FIRE-RED TWENTY-FOOT-TALL ROBOT!

…With a… gaping hole in its… crotch-region.

”D-d-don’t look! You c-c-can see its g-g-genitals!!”

”...Jake Borden, if that’s how your genitals look, we might need to find a doctor Roger before you make the sex with my mummy.”

The Large Robot LANDS! Other Rogers/Josephs flee in pandemonium!

Roger advances, politely averting his gaze from the robot’s… port.

”Hello Robot, my name is Roger an–”

SWAT! The robot punches! Roger dodges backwards (his fourth-favorite direction to travel!)

Jake tumbles rightward!

That bitch Joseph Gordon-Levitt…

Is scooped by the automaton’s massive hand!

”KILL ALL ROGERS/JOSEPHS!”

The necromancer wriggles like only a necromancer can when trapped in a giant robot’s palm!

”I knew you’d come! You’re the Being that’s been killing all Josephs and Rogers?!”

”NO!”

”What?!?”

”I WAS SENT HERE BY THAT BEING! HE-OR-SHE-OR-IT KNEW THIS CONVENTION WAS A HONEYPOT! WHY WOULD THERE BE A ROGER/JOSEPH CONVENTION WHEN THE ROGER/JOSEPH MARKET HAS TRENDED DOWNWARD THE LAST FIVE YEARS?!”

”The whole economy’s down! If you cross-reference industry trends, the Joseph market is overperformi-*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!”

The robot squeezes that bitch Joseph Gordon-Levitt with all his might! The wicked villain weakly spreads his necromancing hands to resurrect his crushed spine… But, he’s struggling!

Meanwhile, behind a ‘Roger Goodell’ merchandise booth, Jake and Roger scope the robot’s backside!

Roger grabs a football!

”O-o-oh! Gr-gr-great idea! I-I-I’ll t-t-teach you to th-th-throw a spiral!”

Roger HUCKS the football toward the robot!

A PERFECT SPIRAL!

”O-o-oh…” Jake disappointedly crosses that off his father-son activities list.

The ball rockets like a rocket-propelled rocket made of rockets!

…BUT! It harmlessly bounces off the robot’s exterior!

The robot turns around!

Roger clears his throat.

”Hello Robot my name is Roger and did you say you are not the one killing all Rogers and Josephs?”

”CORRECT! I WAS HIRED TO KILL ROGERS-AND-JOSEPHS ONLY TODAY!”

”O-o-oh! S-s-so you’re n-n-not a m-m-murderous m-m-machination?”

“NO. I AM. BUT MY ACTUAL MISSION IS TO KILL ALL THADDEUSES.”

“Oh… well there's nobody here named that. There's just Roger, and Joseph, and Roger, and Roger, and Joseph, and Joseph, and Roger, and of course there's daddy Jake Borden.”

Jake quickly scribbles ‘daddy Jake Borden’ in a book titled ‘birds and bees’ to keep track of what he might do when he makes the sex with Roger’s mummy in the future-past.

ZAP!

Necromantic bolts shoot off from the Robot’s hand and that bitch Joseph Gordon-Levitt falls to the ground. He begins speaking in tongues, sending all sorts of evil magic at the robot, distracting him.

“Jake Borden, we need to find a way to stop this loveless robot!”

“W-w-well he h-h-has a b-b-big h-hole in his c-c-crotch.”

“My gosh, Jake Borden, you must be one of the cleverest people that has ever lived!”

Jake blushes proudly.

“Let’s go!”

Roger pulls Jake by the hand! They sneak closer to where the Robot deflects that bitch Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s blasts.

“I-I-I'll b-boo-boost y-you u-u-u–”

“No! Up is my least-favorite direction to travel! You'll have to climb my shoulders!”

Jake forlornly crosses another item from his list as Roger gets down on his knees!

Borden ascends!

But even with all Roger’s might, Jake… actually seems to drop further downward, completely unlifted!

“I'm not strong enough…”

“I-I bel-bel-believe in you.”

That does the trick. Roger powers Jake up the robot’s crotchhole!

“Godspeed, Jake Borden! You are the bravest man I know!”

---

Jake scurries up the robot-hole…

”Th-th-this exhaust p-p-port is e-e-exhaus…exhaaaa…er, I’m t-t-tired!”

Finally, Jake exits the exit! Into…

…A large mall?

”...And I th-th-thought he looked b-b-big from o-o-outside…”

The mall’s barren…

…Except one blonde, talking on a cellphone.

”So, this guy approaches Vanessa and I, like ‘ma’am, do you have the time?’ and I said ‘uhhhhhh, no time for YOU! We have boyfriends who are rich an-”

…

”What do you MEEEEEEAN, you know this story already?!?”

…

”You were there? Vanessa, that doesn't mean you can tell me you’ve heard the story! You’re saying I’m repetitive! And repetitive means basic!!”

”E-e-excuse me!”

”I’m ON the PHONE! How dare you spea-”

…The blonde spins… eyeing Jake up-and-down.

”Ohmigawd, I luuuuuv your hair!” The blonde prods Jake’s fluff. ”Like, what IS this?”

”A m-m-mullet, m-m-ma’am!”

”Vaness’, I found a new sister who doesn’t think I’m basic! K-thx-baiiiiiii!”

Click.

”S-s-sister?!? I-I-I’m a m-m-m…er, boy!”

The blonde drags Jake by the hand.

”Let’s hit the foodcourt! I’m buying! My daddy is rich!”

Jake dry-swallows. ”O-o-oh! I-I-I h-h-hope R-R-Roger’s k-k-keepin’ that robot b-b-busy!”

---

MID-BATTLE DINNER BREAK

Roger, JGL and the robot sit at a table.

Roger’s eating a crustless PB&J.

The robot sips at an oil drum.

JGL stews over necrotic stew.

”Robot, did you know that Rogers produce 4.8% of the world’s dinner conversation?”

”INTERESTING! TELL ME MORE!”

”That’s actually all I know on that subject.”

”...OH.”

---

”So, my boyfriend Craig, who’s a hand model, but could totally do ears if ear modelling wasn’t a meritocracy…”

”W-W-Wait, Autumn!” Jake waves his  Wetzel’s pretzel. ”Y-y-you’ve t-t-told the same story s-s-seven times…”

…Autumn’s bottom-lip quivers.

”…AndI l-l-love it every t-t-time! B-b-but, how’d y-y-you come to o-o-occupy th-th-this r-r-robot?”

”...Oh. This robot was once THE party-mall-robot! He was super-funny! He had a Spencer’s Gifts!”

“People would go in-and-out of him all-the-time!”

”W-w-wow!”

“And vice-versa, HE would go in-and-out of people all-the-time! He was a LOVE MACHINE!”

…Jake’s face reddens.

”Then, some guy named Thaddeus opened a different party-mall-robot! With TWO Spencer’s Gifts! So, he swore revenge against all Thaddeuses… err… Thaddei? And it’s ALLLLLLLLLL he talks about! … Could you imagine someone saying the same stuff over-and-over-and-over-and-over-and-ov-”

”I g-g-got it!”

”That drove all the cool people that once entered him away! So, he rejected the world and threw away his robodick!”

”His wh-wh-what!?”

”He swore no one would ever get pleasure from him again! So, he hid his love rocket and now, instead of an Intel processor, he runs on an INCEL processor.”

”G-g-golly! B-b-but, wh-wh-why are y-y-YOU here, Autumn?!”

”Oh, I’m just riding him to Championshipville.”

”Ch-ch-championshipville?”

“Ugh… It’s the one place Daddy’s money can’t buy a ticket to.” Autumn scoffs. ”Just because you have to ‘EARN IT’ Which is actually discriminatory against people like me who DON’T LIKE TO WORK OR DO NEW THINGS! But, N-B-D! So long as I stay and the robot never re-inserts his love rocket, which is just over there at Sbarro, I’m headed to Championshipville!”

”S-S-Sbarro?”

”The only place in the RobotMall the light doesn’t touch!”


”But, enough about things that aren’t me!” Autumn chatters, while texting… ”So, I was with Vanessa at a movie premiere, and this guy, above-average attractive, but NOT like ‘hawt’, said, “Ma’am, please don’t text during the film” and I was like “Uhhh, please don’t talk during ‘I have a boyfriend’?” Like, riiiiiiight?”


…

”Sid?”

Autumn glances up.

…As Jake sprints outta Sbarro with a Large Fire-Red robot-dick!

”Come back! Did I tell you about Craig?!?”

Jake shimmies down the hole!

”HE COULD BE AN EAR MODEL!”

---

”YOUR DINNER CHATTER WAS SUBPAR! FOR THAT YOU MUST DIE!”

The robot chucks a merch booth!

Roger narrowly dodges!!

”KILL ALL ROG-”

Fwoom! Jake flops outta the Robot’s hole…

Wielding a Fire-Red Robot Dick!

”Where did you get that, Jake Borden?”

”Sb-Sb-Sbarro! Q-Q-Quick! W-w-we’ve gotta get this ph-ph-phallus in that o-o-orifice!”

The two move as one!

Gripping the rod like a battering ram!

The robot swings rapidly!

They dodge!

Dive!

DICK!

”NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

The dick clicks into the port!

”I FEEL…”

…The Red Robot…

”WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE!”

Turns Pink!

---

Roger, sitting bedside, closes a storybook.

”And that explains the birds and bees!”

…Under the covers, Jake Borden looks… horrified.

Roger reaches into Jake’s pocket.

Retrieves his list.

And checks…

“Father-son birds-bees chat”

”Thank you for listening to my tale.”