Paradise Ridge
Great Neck
Long Island, New York

Hovering above Lucy, we were both out of breath, panting and sweating while wearing nothing but a bed sheet to hide what was beneath.

“Round four?” I asked lovingly, but jokingly as she wrapped her arms around my neck.

“Not yet, stud,” She replied as I kissed her neck.  “I think you could use a bit of a break.”

Her reply gave me a chuckle as I rolled to the side.

“Good call,” I said finally.

I don't know what it is.  What's more is I'm not sure if it even matters in the end.  I… am completely infatuated and consumed by this incredible woman.  I have a rap sheet a mile long, a proverbial bedpost notch collection that most men my age would only dream of.

Lucy isn't that.

She was never just a notch to me.  Never just another name to add to the list.

Fact is, I've always been attracted to women that were older than me.  They know exactly what they want, how they want it, where they want it and when.  There's no games and no stupid porn talk.  Believe me, the women my age, while they certainly have talents, I can really do without them telling me “yeah baby, fuck me with your big cock.”  Give me a break.  I mean, I'm gonna.  I don't need the stupid porn play by play that is very much a turn off.  The older women… they enjoy the entire game the way I do.  They didn't just come to see the main event.  They're keenly aware that the main event is so much better with a strong undercard.

I've always found it easy to fall in lust with women.  The reasons varied from person to person.  I don't know what others see when they look at her and I together and frankly, I don't care.  I'm fully aware of my playboy reputation.  It's well earned and a well deserved label, but I don't mean that in a good way.  Lucy… has been different than anyone I've ever been with.

Don't get me wrong, before we were together, I absolutely would sometimes imagine what it might be like to lay with her.  What it might be like to mess around.  But that was never my end game.  It was never my intent to even enter into any sort of relationship with her.

Things developed fast.  One night in the Arizona desert changed everything.  We were friendly no doubt, but as it happens, we're very friendly people that are largely pleasant to be around.

“That was our first date,” I accidentally said aloud.

“What was?” She asked as she laid against my chest.

“Hmmm?”

“What was our first date?” She asked.

“Oh!  The night in Arizona,” I replied.

“That was not a date,” she argued.

“You sure?” I chuckled.  “We hung out all night,” I began reminding her.  “We talked.  We laughed.  We played games.  Gifted each other our winnings, shared some funnel cakes…”

“Wrong,” She laughed.  “We didn't share. I just stole yours.”

“Then later under the stars,” I continued.

“What about it?” She asked.  I could feel her smile growing against my bare chest.  Naturally, her smile is both infectious and contagious so I smiled right along with her.

“Can I tell you something?” I asked.

“Of course,” She replied.

“When you looked into my eyes and didn't move for like 45 minutes…”

“Oh my God, it was not 45 minutes!” She protested with a laugh.

“Well, however long it was, it wasn't long enough,” I replied.  “But that's when I knew.”

“Knew what, exactly?” She asked and again I could feel her smile growing.

“That you wanted me,” I answered jokingly but only sorta.

“Lies!” She protested.  “That's when I knew it was you that wanted me!”

“Awww you keep tellin’ yourself that baby,” I joked.

“I'm serious!” She argued.  “I didn't know that yet!”

“Then why did you suddenly start stalking me at the Rabbit?” I jokingly asked.

“I thought the bartender was nice, and cute,” She replied.  “But I didn't know in Arizona.”

“Admit it,” I argued back.  “The whole time you were looking into my eyes you were thinking about stripping me down and fucking me right there.”

“I…” she paused.  “Okay, maybe it was a passing thought. But just because the thought may have been there… BRIEFLY… That doesn’t mean I thought we would have been a good match.”

“No?”

“It is why I started visiting you at the Rabbit though,” She said.  “I was genuinely interested in getting to know you.. And hopefully find out if we actually clicked or if it was just…”

“Just what?  That looking at me made you sweat?”

“Hey! It was 110 degrees in that desert!” She protested as she hid herself beneath the sheet.

“Not when we were staring at each other,” I insisted.  “It was like 70 at best.”

“Fine!” She groaned in surrender. “If I had had the courage, I might have jumped you right there but we both know it really wasn’t the right time for either of us.”

“You can jump me right now,” I suggested.

Lucy rolled her eyes and peeked beneath the sheet.  “Still on break.”

“Okay but for real,” I redirected.  “I knew then that I wanted to know you on a deeper, more intimate level.”

She nodded her head in agreement.

“I'm glad we didn't… that night.”

Love is complicated.  It's both the easiest thing you'll ever do and the hardest.  My whole life I thought that it was possible for me to love more than one person.  Being with Lucy has forced me to rethink what I thought.  Maybe, in the past, I was able to love multiple people because I wasn't in love with any of them.

I thought I was.

When I was with Adi Gold, I thought she was the one.  As it turned out, we both had a lot of growing up to do.  I flirted with every hole that gave me a wink or a smile and she posted a Twitter poll to ask if she should stay with me.

That was pretty immature on both our parts.

With Lauren… I don't know.  It's such a complicated thing.  I know I loved her.  A big part of me still does and maybe always will.  I thought my life would crumble without her yet here I stand… figuratively speaking.

Lucy has changed things in ways I never anticipated.  I tried so hard to be devoted and true to my wife, but a silky leg, a come hither look, a nice smile or a knowing wink had me ripping my clothes off seemingly in an instant.  Lucy… no one else exists.  All of those things still happen.  The legs are still silky, the come hither looks still come, the smiles never stop and the winks have never ceased… yet they mean nothing, they do nothing.  I don't even think about it.

“Let's talk,” I cut through the silence like a hot knife through butter.

“Okay,” She replied.  “‘Bout what?”

“Stuff,” I said somewhat nervously.  “I just like to know things.”

“Ask away,” she offered.

“No you,” I answered lightheartedly.

“Mmmmm,” She thought.  “Tell me what made you fall in love with Lauren.”

“Uhhhhhh,” I searched my brain.  “I'm not sure if I can answer that.  I mean, she was a total cunt.  I hated the very sight of her,” I laughed.

“How'd that change?” She asked, seemingly legitimately interested.

“Wellllllllll,” I said with an embarrassed chuckle.  “She called me out on judging her without knowing her.  She was right.  I thought she was a money hungry slut that'd use anyone she thought she could use.  That was her reputation.”

“What made you change your mind?” She asked.

“I didn't at first,” I replied.  “I mean she called me out on it so I gave her a chance and invited her for dinner and…”

“...And what?”

“We never made it to dinner,” I chuckled.  “She had an insatiable appetite like me and we ended up fucking like maybe ten minutes after she arrived.”

I let out a sigh.

“But I was hooked.  And I learned that reputations aren’t always as earned as they seem.”

“So the way to your heart really is through your pants?” She joked.

“That was just a coincidence,” I laughed.  “Truth is, I thought I saw something in her that even she couldn't see.  She grew up rough, like really rough.  I wanted to change her perspective.  I wanted her to know that she was worthy of truly being loved.”

“And you loved her, right?”

“Y'know that sounds like an easy question, but it's not,” I said quietly.  “When I was with her, I thought that was love.  But like… I'm not so sure anymore.”

“Oh?”

Once again, with her face against my bare chest, I could feel her smiling again.

“How come?”

“Well, I met this really special person and even in my darkest days like when Frankie wrecked, she never left my side,” I began.  “She's both beautiful and hot, which are two different things bee tee dubs, and I don't think I've ever been happier in my private life than when she's with me, so now I'm not sure if what Lauren and I had was love, or something else.”

“Well,” She began to reply.  “I think it was love.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She glanced up into my eyes. “Love comes in a lot of different packages.”

---

“You’re right…”  Thad smiled softly as he continued staring into my eyes, his hand tracing the line of my back. “But what about you?”

“What about me?”

He shrugged his shoulders.  “Everything.  What made you fall for Rogan?  Have you ever been married?

“I told you, I wanna know everything…”

A bit of pink rose to my cheeks as I tried to figure out what question to answer first.  A lot of my history wasn't exactly hidden away - so it felt a bit odd to be with someone who genuinely doesn’t know where I came from, where I’ve been… How I made it here to him. 

It was a pretty nice feeling, actually. 

“Well…”  I began. “Rogan.. I don’t know, really.  Looking back, it feels like it was one of those… you feel so comfortable around someone that eventually, it just happens.  We were friends, partners.. And he was always so supportive, making sure I knew how proud of me he was.”

I sighed. 

“It’s hard to explain, but in my other relationships, things weren’t easy.  I know that sounds silly, because I know things aren’t always supposed to be easy.  I just mean, I loved them and I’d have done anything for them, but I.. looking back, I always wonder if I was just too scared to be by myself.. Or if it was true love… And if it was.. Then why did I run the instant I felt like a burden?”

“And with Rogan?”

“With Rogan it all fell into place so easily and one day I guess I realized I didn’t really want to have life without him in it.  I didn’t feel like a burden, and when I felt scared, I didn’t want to run away, I wanted to run to him.”

Thad nodded his head.  “And you loved him?”

“Yeah. I know it sounds odd, but he’s special.  Even now that we’re not together..  I’ve accepted fault for that a hundred times over, and the old me would have let that define me… but now, I feel secure enough with myself to understand that I’m allowed to forgive myself and move on.  To learn from my mistakes and not repeat them,” I smirked as he turned his gaze towards me.  “Some amazing man I stared at for 45 minutes in a desert showed me that.”

“Sounds like quite a guy,” Thad mused. 

I nodded my head in agreement.  “I think so.”

Silence settled between us for just a few moments before I sigh.  “I was married.  A long time ago.”

“Oh?”

“His name was CJ Wylde.”

A look of surprise came over Thaddeus’ face.  “So that’s where that name came from.”

I chuckled. “What did you think I was just describing myself with my last name?”

“Well, it’s accurate.”

I rolled my eyes. 

“Well?  Keep going…” He motioned for me to continue. 

I shook my head.  “I don’t really know where to start.  I was young, I was alone.. God, I was terrified of everything.  I had just started wrestling and big surprise, that’s where we met.  I didn’t know what love was, let alone what it felt like.. So when he gave me any modicum of attention, I ate it up like someone who’d been starving for years.  He’d just lost his wife and daughter, and I’d never had anyone… and we just…”

I shrugged my shoulders. 

“At the time, I guess we fell for each other - hard.  He.. he told me I was his second chance.  I believed him.  I had no reason not to.  Why would he want someone like me, someone so lost and broken.  So.. we retired from wrestling years later and we got married.  We moved out to the middle of nowhere and that’s where we stayed… until..”

Thad must have felt the change in my body language because I felt his arm pulling me closer.  It’s not that this topic is hard for me, not anymore.  It’s just.. I don’t think I truly realized how much the things I’m about to tell him… give me a unique perspective on what he’s going through right now with Lauren.

“Until?”

I let out another sigh. “He’d gotten sick.  We got him to a doctor and they diagnosed him with lung cancer and that’s when it all started falling apart.  I was scared but I wasn’t gonna leave his side.  I wanted to fight with him - but he’d lost all hope and he started telling me he wanted me to go, move on.  It was crazy.  He was all I knew, he was everything.. And now he suddenly didn’t want me there?  I was devastated but I didn’t budge.”

He squeezed me again as I continued.

“We fought more.  He got sicker.. And then I came home one day from the store to find him kissing some… bitch on our sofa.”  Those words came out dripping with far more venom than I’d intended but I just shrugged my shoulders again.  “And he got what he wanted.  I left.  I gave up.  Only to find out years, and a lot of dark times later… that he’d set the whole thing up… to get me to leave, and the icing on the cake?  He was misdiagnosed.  His condition was completely treatable.”

I finished with a humorless chuckle and shook my head again.

“Oh…”  Was all Thaddeus had managed to say a few seconds later. 

“So when I tell you I understand… I really do.”

It felt as if a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders as I laid my head back down on his chest, allowing the negative thoughts to leave just as quickly as they came - being with him had that effect on me and it had since we’d met. 

---

“What regrets do you have?” Lucy asked me a couple of minutes later.  “About your marriage, I mean.”

“Maybe I wouldn't have rushed it,” I began.  “We legit got married three weeks after we met.  I wanted so badly for her to feel loved, to have the family life she always dreamed of.”

“If you could go back in time and change one thing about your marriage, what would it be?” She asked.

I stayed quiet for a long while.  There is no right or wrong answer, but I wanted it to make an impact.  There are a number of things I'd change.

“I wished I'd have loved her enough to be the man I wanted to be for her,” I began my reply.  “I talk about my promiscuity often and I know people think I do it as a brag, but I'm not bragging.”

Lucy nodded.

“I'm ashamed of it, really,” I paused.  “I talk about it because I don't want to forget.  I don't want to lose sight of it.  I don't want to put another person through the things I put her through.

“For all her faults, and she has plenty, she didn't deserve that.  She tried really hard to be a good wife and a good mom to someone else's kids and that's the way I repaid her.

“By fucking every hole I could find,” I finished.

“What about you?” I asked.

---

I really and truly didn’t know the answer to that question.  Now, I’ve regretted plenty in my life.  There’s still many things Thad still doesn’t know, just like I’m sure there’s still plenty for me to learn about him.  If time is on our side, I’m sure this won’t be the last conversation like this we have.

As for the question lingering in the air between us, I sit up slightly, resting my chin on his chest and close my eyes. “I.. wish that I had been more brave.  I wish I wouldn’t have ran away all those times.  Not only did the people I ran from not deserve that… I didn’t deserve to live like that either.”

He nodded his head.

“I wish I would have given myself the opportunity to love myself before I ever tried to love someone else.  I spent a long time hating who I was, hoping that someone else could fix it for me.”  I smiled softly.  “I was so wrong.”

“How do you feel about you now?”

“I’m alright,”  I said playfully.  “No, really.. I can tell you that without a doubt, I’m here because I want to be.  Not because I need to be.  Not because you’re supposed to fix whatever’s wrong with me.  I’m not so bad, after all.”

“I like that answer,” Thaddeus replied as I laid my head back down on his chest again.  “I think you're pretty awesome.  Like, I can't ima…” his voice trailed off, leaving the conclusion to that statement up to my imagination as silence settled between us.

---

A few moments passed before Lucy cleared her throat.  “So… Do you think you'd ever get married again?” She asked out of curiosity, entirely and thankfully ignoring what I stopped myself from saying.

“I don't know,” I replied without answering.  “My immediate gut instinct is to say ‘hell no’ but I really haven't even thought about it.

“I can't say with certainty that I wouldn't ever do it again,” I paused.  “But if I ever do, then I know it'll be different.”

“How so?” Lucy asked.

“Because I'd take it much slower,” I began again.  “I'd really want to get to know her.  I wouldn't want to make the same mistakes that I made with Lauren.”

“That’s a fantastic answer,” She smiled.

“What about you?” I redirected.  “Would you ever get married again?  Did you ever want kids?”

---

“I’m not opposed to either.  I was engaged a few years ago, but obviously I never became Lucy Cool.”

“What?”

I chuckled. “Oh, It’s just a joke, his wrestling name was Joe Cool, but… Nevermind.  Suffice it to say, I was into the idea enough back then to say yes.  So… I don’t think it would be the worst thing, if the right person came along.”

He smirked as I began to run my fingertips along his side, lightly tickling his skin as I went. 

“As for kids.. Again, I’ve never been opposed.  I just, never had the opportunity, I guess.  And in some ways, I think that boat has already sailed.”

“Not necessarily.”

“Not necessarily, huh?”

“Where there’s a will, there’s a way.  That’s all I’m saying.”  He says, matter-of-factly.

---

I hadn't noticed initially, but as we were talking about kids and the future, she had been dragging her fingertips along my forearm, tracing the elegant script in which my lost daughter Gracie's name was inked permanently.

“What was it like…?” She began but stopped herself.

“Hmm?” I grunted.  “What was what like?”

“Never mind, forget it,” Lucy said as she continued to trace my daughter's name.

“You mean Gracie?” I asked after putting two and two together.

Lucy nodded but said nothing which emitted a deep sigh.

“You don't have to talk about that,” She said, almost as if she regretted bringing it up.

“No, it's okay,” I insisted before falling silent while I considered her question.  “I don't know if losing her, or Frankie's wreck was worse,” I began.

“With the unborn, you love, you cherish, you anticipate with wild excitement about this little innocent being that you created,” I continued.  “And it hurts more than you ever thought possible to lose them before they'd ever even taken their first breath.

“But with Frankie,” I paused.  “I've never told anyone this but I was sure I lost him.  The whole flight home that's all I kept thinking was how the hell I'd get through it?  How could I have lost a second child? I know some things I've done in my life were less than lawful but why did I deserve the agonizing heartbreak that comes from losing your baby?

“It’s selfish,” I paused and she raised her head to look at me.  “But as a parent you can't help it.  They don't feel anything.  They're gone.  So it's just you, isolated in the loneliest of feelings even when you’re not alone.

“We've been together long enough, you know how important my babies are to me.  Their lives are way more important than my own.

“So when we lost Gracie, and I thought I lost Frankie, all I thought about was what I did to deserve it.

“What’s that say about me?”

---

“I don’t believe it says what you think it does…”  I replied quietly.  “You love them so much, but in the back of your mind, you wonder if the things you did in life brought this pain upon them, and yourself.  I feel like it’s normal to wonder if the punishment fits the crime…”

I didn’t really know if I was making any sense at that point, but then again, what does make sense about life?  Most of us are out here doing the best we can with what we’re given.  That’s all we can do. 

I sighed.  “I never brought kids up, with CJ.  Hell, I never brought kids up with any person I’d been with.  But with CJ specifically, he’d lost his daughter in an accident and there was no way I’d ever force that upon him if he… Well, you know.”

Thaddeus nodded.

“But.. Then, after we’d gotten back together, I found him in his office one night, completely losing his mind.  What did I do?  I jumped in without knowing what was going on, wanting to fix it.. Whatever it was.”  I stopped momentarily and shook my head as I felt the tears stinging the corners of my eyes.

“As it turns out, my husband had gone out and adopted a very sick little boy.  An orphan he’d met while we were in Japan. The adoption had been finalized, and he’d been working behind the scenes to bring the boy home, but he passed away before he could make it.”

I let out a louder sigh, trying to keep my composure.  This isn’t something I’ve told many people.  I don’t know, I guess I was ashamed?  Embarrassed that my own husband didn’t think enough of me to think I’d support him or that I’d even welcome a child into our home?  I don’t know. 

I don’t think I’ll ever know.

“Riko.  His name was Riko and I didn’t even know I’d had a son before he was gone.  But.. as upset as I was, I’m the reason that little boy is buried beside CJ, and his first family.”

I finished and sat up, laying my hands in my lap.  Thaddeus reached out and laid his hand on mine as I smiled softly, eventually letting out a quiet chuckle.

“Well, you wanted to talk… I guess I haven’t scared you off yet.”

“I like learning about you,” he replied.  “In business, people see what they want to see and really only ever see us on the surface of all things.

“People are far more than what's on the surface.  I like peeling away the layers.  I like baring it all for the world to see.”

I felt my cheeks get warm as I leaned in towards him, first kissing his chest and then his cheek.  “Speaking of bearing it all…”

---

She moved down and kissed my neck.  Don't let Lucy Wylde fool you.  She's no innocent little girl, she knew exactly what she was doing when she started.

“Ohhh,” She said as she peaked beneath the sheet between her body and mine.  “Well look who decided to join us.”

I chuckled softly as I leaned my face away from her so she had easier access.

“Think he has enough left in the tank to get across the finish line one more time?” I joked.

“Maybe for one of us,” She laughed.

Lucy and I talked for hours more after we finished up.  As the night wore on, her words became heavier, her eyes droopier.  She was asleep by 2am but me?  I had a lot on my mind.  Quietly and gently, I removed her from my chest and laid her on the bed, then snuck out of my bedroom.

After stopping in to look at the twins' sleep, I stopped by Frankie’s room to watch him sleep too.  He had been gone in Chicago for almost two weeks and it felt good to have him home again.  The decision I had made inside my head though, gnaws at me, eating at me, pestering me like an itch in the middle of your back that no matter how hard you try, you just can't reach.  The decision affects more than just me.  It affects Frankie more than anyone.  When he wakes in the morning, I'll have to tell him.

Finally, I made my way downstairs to my home office.  Sitting at my desk I opened the drawer and pulled out a stack of papers attached to a blue back.  I must have stared at them for an hour as the gravity of my decision weighed heavily.  Tears fell from my eyes and soaked the corner of the pages that taunted me from the desk surface.  It's never easy to close a chapter.  It's never easy to put the last period at the end of a novel.

“Hey,” Lucy whispered.

“What are you doin’ up?” I whispered back as she approached.

“I didn't feel you beside me,” Lucy replied as she hugged my shoulders and leaned her head against mine.  “Why are you crying?” she asked with a worried tone.

“It's a good cry,” I replied without giving her an actual answer.

“Are those your…”

“Divorce papers?” I interrupted.  “Yeah.”

She felt somewhat uncomfortable.  I could feel that in her heart rate.  Without thinking, I grabbed a pen and signed my full legal name: Thaddeus Leander Duke II

In that instance, I felt her choke her own emotion.

“You signed them,” She said before a sniffle.

“I had to,” I said as she leaned off of me.  Tears fell from her eyes just as much as they fell from mine.  “I'm madly in love with someone else.”

Setting the pen down, I spun in the office chair to look into her moistened eyes.  She grabbed me by both hands in an attempt to pull me back to bed.  Instead, I resisted and reversed.  Lucy Wylde curled into my lap and wrapped her arms around me…

…and I'd never felt so whole.