MUSIC SUGGESTIONS for RP
Dirty Deeds - AC/DC
High Price of Hate - Toto



Somewhere in what is probably Bobby Bourbon’s house, Thunder Knuckles, Noah Jackson and the aforementioned Bobby Bourbon sit on couches within a fort of crumpled notes and beer bottles. Downing the last of a beer and letting out a sickly belch, Noah wipes his mouth clean and blinks slowly as the Bastards sit in deep thought. Noah looks between the two, tapping a fingernail against the neck of the bottle.

“The fuck we doin’?”

TK lets out a sigh and rubs his brow at the sixth time this question has been asked. Bobby growls in annoyance as he balls a piece of paper and throws it on a pile.

“ARRGH! I almost had it!”

TK leans his cheek against his relaxed fist as he eyes Bobby.

“You said that ten minutes ago.” TK’s eyes float lazily over to Noah. “And for the sixth time, dude, we’re figuring out the ultimate prank on Theo.”

Noah is leaning over the back of the couch, rifling through the litter behind him and coming back with two more beers handing one to TK and cracking one open with his teeth.

“And things aren’t going! Nothing seems perfect yet.”

Noah spits out the bottle cap with a grimace as TK simply twists off the cap and begins to drink.

“So… What we got so far?”

TK laughs.

“Jesus, you’re such a lightweight. Well top ideas have been, make Theo do a bunch of work for nothing…”

Stopping to think of something else discussed between the three of them.

“Putting epsom salts his coffee, that way he's to busy to stop us from running a fucking muck.”

“Muck-a-muck-a-muck. Step into the ring with us and they're stuck, smash through them like we are a mack truck, the Bastard Cunts are celibate because we don't give a fuck!”

“Ooooooh! Right! I still think putting a rat trap in his undies is top tier, cunts.”

Noah begins to laugh but stops short puking in his mouth but barely manages to cover it up. TK laughs again.

“HAHA!!! We need to get you some coffee.”

Noah looks suspiciously at TK.

“Epsom salt free.”

A lightbulb appears above Bobby’s head as he looks up smarmily at both TK and Noah.

“I know exactly how to prank Theo. You’ve heard of the pumpkin spice latte, and the pumpkin spice muffin, and pumpkin spice cake, well, we’re going to turn Theo into the pumpkin spice man.”

TK and Noah nod in agreement.

“That’s a great idea.”

“Yeah, cunt!”

“Awesome. Any idea how we do that? Do either of you have a pumpkin spice ray, or maybe a pumpkin spice grenade, perhaps pumpkin spice gas?”

Noah checks his pockets as TK shakes his head.

“The Spice ray hasn’t been invented, yet and can’t do spice grenade or gas cuz of the goddamn Geneva Convention! Fuckin’ Geneva, bunch of buzzkils. City of Diplocamy? My goddamn dickhole, more like Shitty of DisBLOW my ass!”

Bobby shoots TK a finger gun.

“Nice.”

TK raises a beer to Bobby as Noah is slightly more slack-jawed than usual, this time in thought.

“... What exactly is a pumpkin spice man?”

Bobby shrugs.

“Well, pumpkin spice creations are usually desperate corporate limited time seasonal bullshit to distract the general public that the businesses shilling this shit supports Israel and uses child labor.”

“Yeah, but that’s Theo all year-fucking-round.”

Realization hits Bobby as he physically deflates a little.

“Yeah, true… We could literally make his DNA pumpkin spice?”

“An’ make him irresistible to white women? He would hate that…”

TK slams his beer down.

“Y’all thinking about this the wrong way. See what we SHOULD do is put the Epsom salts in his coffee before that match so he literally shit himself in the ring. In 2024. Complete old school XWF-” Making air quotes not missing a beat. -‘Mud’ Show.”

Bobby shakes his head with a sigh.

“It’s a classic, and a classic for a reason but it’s just missing a certain… je ne sais quoi

Noah spits on the ground and does the sign of the cross.

“Bah, French! NOW!”

Noah leans back throwing his palms out to say picture this.

“PICTURE THIS, CUNTS!”

Bobby and TK look to Noah’s grandiose gestures. TK already seems impressed.

“Theo Pryce! Mincin’ around in that overpriced smack den he likes to call a penthouse parked on top ov’a garage! He’s naked!”

The Bastards question the importance of this.

“He’s jus’ finished killin’ a hooker and doing his shitty Patrick Bateman make-up routine, he’s in his bedroom.” Noah is full-on pantomiming every action as he describes it. “He’s opening his undies drawer and he’s rooting around in their like the cunt he is and BAM!”

“Noah, the rat trap idea sucks! I’m sorry but it does!”

Noah lowers his arms dejected and sniffles slightly.

“Words hurt Bob-o.”

He says before taking a drink. TK smiles and pats Noah’s shoulder to reassure him.

“It’s okay man, everyone has restarted ideas every now and then.”

“You know what was restarted? Lessons never learned that we imparted, Flynn wants in the ring with us after shitting the bed enough times he thinks he only farted, He talks out of his ass because when he uses his mouth he sounds re…

”Really like he saw fuckin’ logic and away he darted.”

Suddenly! As if on cue to send this promo into the second act! A car CRASHES through the room almost taking out our “heroes” who sit in a Buddha-like calm mere inches away from the car steaming with dry ice.

The car door cracks open and the gull-wing door is pushed upwards as a frazzled, old man in a white jumpsuit hops out the DeLorean with a wild-eyed gaze upon the three drunk men staring blankly at him.

“Sick Bastards! Them No Good Cunts! Ya gotta come back with me!!!”

Bobby looks behind the car and back to this lunatic.

“Did you drive a fucking DeLorean through my goddamn house you Christoper Lloyd-looking mother fucker!?!?”

Bobby begins to stand ready to fight but TK places a hand on his shoulder to calm him.

“Just hold on a minute, Bobby, let’s just see where this is going.”

Bobby sits down slowly mad-dogging the geezer. TK looks up to the old bitch with a quizzacal glance.

“Back where? … Doc?”

“Doc” flails his arms.

“BACK TO THE FUTURE!!!”

Bobby’s anger subsides as TK fist pumps. Noah looks confused.

“It’s the XWF you guys! Something’s gotta be done with the XWF!!!”

“Oh shit! Does my dad comin’ back fuck everything up!?”

“What!? NO! You and your father rekindle and have a lovely time, he did a great promo about it!”

“AW, that’s nice!”

Noah says with a geeky smile as TK and Bobby brush him off.

”What could happen in the future?”

”Noah, we fuckin’ like you, but there's going to be a big problem if you and…

“NO! None of that! You lose to Theo Pryce, Mark Flynn and [REDACTED]!”

“[REDACTED] is the mystery partner!? LAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!

“I was expecting Thad again, he tends to always jump through hoops to get a big reveal that no one gives a shit about.”

“I knew it wasn’t going to be Thad, he’s tongue deep in Dolly right now. Meanwhile, [REDACTED] has been doing as much as Theo for the last ten years but somehow with more face-down lying in vomit and less impact on a major wrestling federation but that’s whatever… We lose? How?”

“Theo cheats of course! He gets so embarrassed with your badass prank he pulls out all the stops to get YOU to lose! Bribing the ref! Changing the rules on the fly! Even hiring Tommy Gunn to sedate you!”

Noah shakes his head.

“What a no good cunt.”

“What was this prank anyway?”

“You put epsom salt and a rat trap in his pumpkin spice latte!”

The Bastard Cunts throw up their arms in unison at the sheer genius of the plan with almost orgasmic exclamations.

“Oh we are GENISUSES!!”

“It was legendary, the rat trap stuck to his tongue as-”

The rest join in as it’s obvious of the outcome.

[b]“He continuously shit his guts out from the epsom salt and the pumpkin spice latte filled his body replacing his empty guts with pumpkin spice turning him into a pumpkin spice man.”
“He continuously shit his guts out from the epsom salt and the pumpkin spice latte filled his body replacing his empty guts with pumpkin spice turning him into a pumpkin spice man.”
“He continuously shit his guts out from the epsom salt and the pumpkin spice latte filled his body replacing his empty guts with pumpkin spice turning him into a pumpkin spice man.”
“He continuously shit his guts out from the epsom salt and the pumpkin spice latte filled his body replacing his empty guts with pumpkin spice turning him into a pumpkin spice man.”

They all nod looking at one another.

“Truly genius, well done guys.”

“So now, Theo Pryce or as we call him now Theo Spice-”

The Sick Bastards let out a chuckle of appreciation.

“Has just been cunting it up real hard, just being a real Karen.”

“And you want us to jump in a time machine with you, go into the future and teach Theo Spice a lesson.”

“That’s exactly right, President Thunder Knuckles!”

TK’s eyes widen.

”Riff!

“Come on! Quickly now! Let’s SAVE THE FUTURE!!!”

Doc steps into the DeLorean refueling the flux capacitor as the boys stand up; but Bobby holds them off and leans in to whisper to TK and Noah.

“Say, we have access to a time machine here. Now, here me out. How about instead of going to the future and beating up Theo which we can do whenever we like how about we pull the ultimate prank?”

Noah and TK share a look and say in sync.

“We’re listening.”
“We’re listening.”

Bobby smiles a most devilish smile.

“We go back in time and stop Theo from ever being born!”

Noah’s jaw drops as TK stifles a laugh.

“Cunt.”

“That’s GENIUS!

“... Cunts.”

Noah’s face twists into a crazed smile.

“We knock out Doc Shit-stain, take the DeLorean for a joyride back to whenever Theo was born, I’m gonna guess 77’ and we toss the baby out with the bathwater so to speak.”

The group look behind at Doc flipping the switches in the DeLorean and powering it up to life. They all give one another a look and nod before swarming the car and pulling Doc out with an “oomph” and stomp mudholes into his groin until he passes out in pain.

The three then giddily rush into the DeLorean and look upon the dashboard, Bobby sits in the drivers seat pulling the seatbelt over his body as he hits buttons and dials.

Noah and TK look dumbfounded as Bobby hits shit at random like a chimpanzee slamming his palms on the ground in a tantrum before stopping suddenly and admiring the flashing dials.

“Okay…”

Bobby takes out a pair of sunglasses from seemingly nowhere and places them over his eyes before turning to TK and Noah.

“Let’s party!”

Bobby puts the car in drive and peels out through the hole in the wall and speeds off leaving a trail of fire and stream of light.
[/b]

---

[b] “Honestly, I ain’t got shit to say. When Bobby and TK asked me to join ‘em, I said yeah no hezzies. Didn’t matter who we were facing, what we were doin’, takin’ the piss out of Theo Pryce? I’m in, cunt! Slappin’ two has-beens outside the ‘ead? Fuck yeah! In, cunt!”

“Because without a shadow of a doubt, you put me in the ring with Bobby and TK it’s a sure bet the three of us are walkin’ out the winners! Be it wrestlin’, drinkin’ or Mario Kart, cunt! Ain’t dick all no other cunt can do to beat us.”

“And there’s one thing I wanna do more than anything else, and that’s to make Theo Pryce my bitch! Long time ago, me and my dad had a little show, you mighta heard of it, called it Cunt Fest. Last fun thing this shit hole did. And when me and Fuzz sat in Theo Pryce’s office, he asked us to do this boring shit of goin’ down the card and sortin’ a buncha nothing matches. I remember it clear as day because that smug prick was getting so pissy that he just had to try and get the last word in on me and my dad’s biggest night.”

“We went down the card and my dad got his moment, he brought back the most dangerous match the XWF had ever seen and I was so fuckin’ proud of him. He sat there, patient and baskin’ in this moment to show all the new kids what the Golden Era was all about…”

“Then Theo Pryce, the cunt, went, oi Fuzz, brackets cunt.”

“Just twistin’ the fuckin’ knife.”

“Makin’ it about him instead of what it was meant to be about.”

“That was my dad’s moment and Theo fuckin’ Pryce just had to be a big-headed cunt and get the last word in.”

“He couldn’t be a professional.”

“He couldn’t let someone else be in the spotlight.”

“And that’s been Theo fuckin’ Pryce his entire career.”

“Mark Flynn has been an insane stalker most of his run blamin’ Theo for everythin’ that went wrong in his life. Makin’ Theo the villain, makin’ Theo seem like the biggest cunt in the universe and yet he’s in this match because Theo gets his fuckin’ way once again. Turnin’ someone who hated him into another bitch with a collar, turnin’ one of the best wrestlers we’ve ever seen into a neutered lap dog.”

“Mr. Mystery Partner who carried Theo’s bags, who lapped at Theo’s ball sweat, who helped carry Theo’s weight. One of the best promos I’ve ever seen in my entire life, reduced to being Theo’s hype man.”

“Theo takes The Kings, two of the best trash talkers in the world with Madison and Samuels, used to be Theo’s mouthpieces. The most interesting cunts in the business D’Ville, reduced to hand-holding Theo through an interesting story because the cunt could never do anything himself.”

“He started shit, got hot, got lazy and got carried.”

“Theo’s entire fuckin’ life story right there.”

“But I’m gonna get the last word in this time, cunt.”
[/b]

---

”I’ma push Theo around that ring like I was Centurion demanding someone be fired. While I have been out here, bringing the actual chaos, you've been trying to sign Chris Chaos to another lame duck, shit-for-business disappointment of an appearance. And while my partners are the Sickest Cunt Noah Jackson and, lest we forget, my ride-or-die brother in arms that gave your company an identity to all the rest of the companies you wish would like you but laugh behind your back, Thunder Knuckles, you're stuck with Flynn, who is so far up your ass he's tomorrow's fucking lunch. Then you got the absolute worst wrestler in XWF fucking history, a two in one, Mystery Opponent and Mystery Partner. You're fucked like the popular girl's prom date, only there so she can look good in front of her friends before being used for twenty minutes except the blood on your face won't be from menstruation.”

[b]”A-fuckin-men!”[/b]