A handful of things have happened since the GFL Season finished and yet, I still had a mind on that. I loved football and coaching has been a great investment of my time this past season. Sure, I was disappointed in how the season ended for the Carolina Phoenix. We had a whole roster that was stacked with Rookies and prove it players and managed to become the #1 Seed heading into the playoffs. Into those same playoffs, we were so confident and lost in the first round.. 

Yet I couldn't complain. 

I am proud of this team, these women and what we were able to do as a unit. It was my first year coaching and it could have been a whole lot worse.. I am proud because so many of these women weren't playing double positions like most of the teams in the league were. We had a Quarterback who played Running Back the year before. We had Running Backs who didn't know much about the sport other than run the ball in that direction and don't get tackled.

I was disappointed but proud at the same time. Pros and Cons but overall, I was happy with how things ended. Now it was time to see what could be on the horizon moving forward. 

To say the least, I had things to look forward to and it starts with a decision to make.

“The choice is yours..” I whispered as I recalled what had been said to me just a few months before. A meeting with the League owners and a choice I was presented with. “Well fuck..” I muttered as I looked down at the kitchen table in front of me. There, sat two folders. Both having the GFL logo on the cover of them, I opened the one to the left.

At the top sat the Carolina Phoenix logo with ‘Contract’ in bold lettering underneath it. I was being offered an extension. The idea was that with what we have built we might truly be a few steps away from becoming a Champion in the league. 

I believed that to be true! 

Sighing, I glance to the folder on the right. My hand touches the outside of the folder, feeling its smoothness before letting myself open the cover. At the top of this piece of paper were three words in bold black lettering.

Team Ownership Agreement. 

Both contracts were already signed by everyone else. I just needed to make a choice.. 

“What's that?” The dreadful sound of my Mother creeped on me from behind. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I am fairly sure I shaved those so they regrew and then stood up all by the sound of her voice. Zombie hairs. “Finally getting that Life Insurance so your Wife can kill you by accident?” Her words filled with laughter as she spoke them. In turn, I made sure mine had a morbid sense of sarcasm to them. 

“No, it's your new Life Insurance. The payout is well worth the ‘accident’ you will be having soon..”

I scoffed after she slapped me upside the back of my head and passed by, heading to the kitchen. “Don't talk to your Mother like that!” My inner voice laughed but I tried to brush her off as I looked back down to my business, my choice to make. “Where's the Princess?” 

It had become tiring to hear her call Sloane that. Closing both folders, I knew my choice would have to wait. “What is it now, Mother?”

“What is what now, doofus? I asked where your wife was, that's all!”

“It's been long enough.” I say with my hand rolling in a little circle, wanting her to come on with her review of my wife. It was tradition after all. “What don't you like about her?”

It was like with the majority of females I brought home growing up. Even those I have dated as an adult. If my Mother liked you, it was a baaaaad omen for me. If she didn't like someone then I was on the right path.. Then again, I was single when I got married. 

“Nothing. I like this one.. How she likes you is the question!” 

There it is! I knew one way or another, it would lead to her insulting me. “I’m charming!” I half assed tried to argue. Her laugh slapped that argument down like Motumbo but this wasn't even HER house. 

“Have you ever thought that maybe, to her, you're just a safe bet?” 

Well.. Any hope of having a decent conversation with her just went out the window. “How the fuck am I safe?!” It seemed like a logical question. Who would consider me as a safe bet for anything? 

“You're like a lost puppy.. You always stumble over yourself trying to simp for these females and not a single one of them meets you halfway with that same energy. I think it was said best at one point that you are a Yo-Yo..”

My jaw dropped. “You are a terrible Mother and have you ever wondered that maybe my problem with relationships and women in general is that you were my example of what a loving woman is?”

“Hey, don't blame me because you can't keep a woman!”

I felt a headache coming on. 

“At least I have tried.. When was the last ‘friend’ of yours to wanna even be seen with you in public? You skip the date night and they hit it and quit it. You're like a drive thru at McDonald's.” 

“I…” She started to respond but turned and disappeared into the kitchen. Reappearing seconds later, she had a rolling pin in her hand. Lifted high enough as she stomped towards me. 

“Yooo! Hold up!” I raised my hands to block the attack and caught the wooden rolling pin before the blow could land. With my head looking up, her free hand snaps at me and chops me to the throat. I cough, gag, scoot back in the chair I was in, pushing to my feet as I sucked in an inhale. 

“You better think twice before you speak to me like that again, boy!” Slapping me to the side of my head as I stood bent over to catch my breath. “I’m not one of these punks on Twitter, we can trade hands!” 

“You're lucky you're my Momma..” I said with a voice full of scratchiness to it. “Otherwise.. I’d kick your ass..” 

“You and I both know that ain't true. Stop playing!” Shoving at me all playfully. She was a tormented evil spirit sent to provide the needed karma for wrongs I did in a past life. This was my belief. “So where is the Princess?” 

“At her Mom's..” 

As I sat back down, I noticed that my Mother was eyeing the folders on the table. Wanting to have some kind of small victory in this, I snatched both folders away from her. My mother grins and shakes her head slightly, knocking the table surface with her right knuckles a few times. 

“I like her, I do..” Her voice drags a bit. “I just don't know if you're good enough for her.” 

As loving and supportive as ever. Shocker. She continues to my ‘surprise’. 

“She might be all too willing to slum it now but how long does that last? You’ll be the one left empty handed at the end of the day and I think YOU know that as well.. I do like her though! Sweet girl.” 

As if she had said her peace, she turned and started to walk away. On my right hand sat a ring on the finger that indicated a tradition of supposed bliss. I was Married.. To my Best Friend. How could myself or anyone make that feel like a bad thing?

“You know Ma..” I paused as if hesitating but I had no plans to hesitate. I felt what I needed to say to her. “You’ve never been happy with anyone!” Scratching the side of my face along the jawline, I was trying not to get irritated. 

“It's like you SEE me pushing towards a good place in life and you seek to obliterate it into as many pieces as you can.. You’ve always been this way!” 

“I have not, you are such a complainer! A real wahh wahh!” 

She mocked me but it was how she tried to bury the truth of it that annoyed me most.

“You remember Trisha? I was.. 15, about to be 16 and I brought that girl home to meet you?” 

Shaking her head, she didn't seem to recall. “No, not really.” 

“You wouldn't remember her because that was when I left home.” I could tell she started to remember as the expression on her face changed. “I was just trying to take that girl to a school dance!” 

Moving slowly, my Mother pulled out of the other chairs and sat down to join me at the table. 

“Sadie Hawkins, she asked you out. I do remember that!”

“And you got me all hype about getting a suit and helping me learn how to dance. Just so I could attend a school function with someone..”

“Yeah, so, what's the point?” Her fingers rolled over the surface of the table, making that tapping sound. 

“You bought me a highlighter purple and yellow suit.. That was missing a pocket.” 

Oh there was no doubt she remembered the suit. She fell back in her chair slapping down at her knee as she laughed with a loud cackle. “Remember what you told me about her?” I asked and my Mother’s laughter faded. 

“Nope.”

“Yeah you do..” Nodding because I knew she was lying. “You said better luck next time and reminded me to look both ways before crossing the road.” 

“That's just good parental advice!” She proclaimed. It was, in normal circumstances. 

“You said that after she got hit by a truck! TWO days before the dance!” I let myself yell a bit. All my bad habits I can clearly connect back to my Mother. 

“She was just using you as a revenge rebound. Her boyfriend didn't like you right? He just broke up with her, remember? You were being used!” 

“How could you possibly know that?!” I barely remembered it myself, the boyfriend part. There wasn't any memory of me being some rebound though. She was older than me and a grade above. Why would she go down a grade for a rebound? It made no sense. 

“I just know..” She offered. 

“Okay but how? You just said you barely remembered her!”

“Fine.. I was seeing her Father..” Her head turned away a bit as if she was a dog that had just seen a squirrel. For the second time in this conversation, my jaw dropped. “Don't give me that look!” 

“Ma.. You were fucking Mr. Collins? He was married!”

“Ha! You would be amazed at what a married man with no sex life will do to a woman with the right set of tits!” 

I am going to throw up. I felt sick. “Please stop talking..” 

It was as if she was daydreaming about a past romance and really, that's exactly what she was doing. I was being punished for something. 

“He sure knew how to turn on the faucet though! Gaaawlee.. Mmmm!”

I leapt up from my chair and hurried down the hallway. With folders in hand, I wanted to get away. Anywhere but here. 

.
..
…

“I stand in my own way often. It's been said a time or two and it sings like the truest song ever written. I have tried to adjust, to bend the thoughts in my head that make the observations that lead to my poor decision making. My own way, I stand. Oftentimes, I feel that the windows of change stay open and the breeze that comes through is always the coldest of winter’s weather. No matter what I do, I can never seem to stay warm..”

My mind was in a slushie mixture of thoughts. Fighting the urges that most people go through to keep the demons from rising. I felt alone in this battle and for the most part, many people could probably relate to that feeling. I’ll never whine or seek petting and praise to make me feel better but something needs to be done to stop this. I just wasn't sure what that something was. 

“Where are you going?!” Sloane almost scared me. I was deep in thought and packing a travel bag and it took me a minute to realize I hadn't told her about my plans. “You're leaving?” 

Turning to face her and meet her eyes with my own. I stood up from the closet. “Houston.” I told her as I shove a few shirts into the bag on the bed. 

“Oh?”

“I am signing the papers and getting the keys for the new House. I can't stay here forever. This is your space! It was never intended for two.. Well, three with her here.” 

“We're married, Jason.” She steps closer towards me. I stopped procrastinating to keep myself occupied and faced her. “What are you doing right now?”

“I told you.. I gotta fly out to Houston!” 

“Okay, I’ll get a plane to take you.” 

Waving off the idea. “Nah I’m good with that. I already copped the tickets, direct flight.” 

“Tickets?” She questions. 

Nodding past her before my words gave her a response. “I’m taking Ma with me. She doesn't need to be in your hair anymore and if she gets lost, they have plenty of shelters.” 

Sloane shoves at my left shoulder with a snicker. She knew that I meant Animal Shelter and not one for the Homeless. “When will you be back?” Adding a question I should have expected but was taken a bit by surprise with. 

“Few days, I guess.” Turning to the bed, I lift my bag from the strap. “Unless I need a few more, not sure. Why?” 

“It's just..” She pauses. “Are we okay?” 

“Are we?” Well aware that any problems we might have had were because of me. I was in my head about a lot of shit and most of it was dumb but did she notice and think she was doing something wrong?

“You tell me..”

“I’m good, you?” The room layered with a moment of silence. Biting down on my bottom lip a bit before lifting the strap of my bag over my shoulder. “Sounds like we're good then, yeah?” 

“Yeah. Ok.” She didn't sound as certain as I tried to sound. 

“Good! I’ll call when I land.” Stepping passed her, I stopped only to give her a kiss. She was hesitant in that as well, again, my fault. 

I put too much value in the shit my Mother told me earlier. I had confidence in a lot of things but I don't spend too much time bragging about anything. Maybe she was right and I didn't belong here and if that was the case then I wasn't at all sure where I did belong anymore. That's on me to figure out and I didn't need to bring the bright shine of my wife into the darkness with me. Part of me was also always very quick to go into self protection mode so the hurt that comes, hurts less.. 

“Thank you for your hospitality, Princess..” My Mother made sure to give thanks to the w
oman she doesn't think I deserve or can keep. Awesome. It wasn't like she hasn't been right in the past.. Many, many times before. I just really wanted her to be wrong this time.