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'The Natural' Dick Drizzle · (01-25-2024)

We sweep through a rowdy bar, buzzing with energy.

Patrons are laughing and shouting over the loud music.

The scene centers on a figure at the bar, unmistakably 'The Natural' Dick Drizzle. He's surrounded by empty glasses, and sitting in his underwear, only covered from behind by his extravagant robe.

Standing around the old drunk is a group of fascinated onlookers who seem entertained with his tales of bar brawls.

Dick Drizzle: "Let me tell you about the time I faced a whole army in a bar down in Georgia, brother. Must've been 30 or more, all itching for a fight. There I was, The Natural, standing alone!"

The crowd leans in, captivated.

Dick Drizzle: "It all started with one loudmouth. I told him to cool it, and he responded by throwing a punch, but he wasn't ready for what came next. I dodged and landed three of my own. Woooooo!"

He mimics the punches, the crowd gasping.

Dick Drizzle: "You see, this fool didn't know who he was messin' with. I'm the baddest man to ever throw a punch, so even with his gang of goons backing him up, The Natural wasn't scared in the slightest. Woooooo! Hell, one of his pals even tried to sneak up on me from behind. Big mistake! My trick knee has a mind of its own, Woooooo! And that night, it went right back and gave him an unforgettable souvenir right in the jewels!"

He chuckles, swaying slightly and almost spilling his drink.

Dick Drizzle: "Then the main guy, he comes at me again, thinking he's got the upper hand cause Dick's distracted by that other clown. Well, I wasn't! Even if I were, he threw that punch like he was moving through molasses, aiming right for my glorious head. Little did he know, Dick Drizzle's always three steps ahead. So I whipped out the Drizzle special – Bam! Before he knew it, that guy was spinning, Woooooo, like a top, Woooooo, right into his buddy Woooooo! I swear, brother, it was like something from Benny Hill. My one punch had set off a chain reaction! Everybody was falling into everybody else, arms flailing, knocking each other out! I wouldn't have believed it either had I not witnessed it with my own eyes! At the end of it, there I was, still stylin', still profilin', and the only one standing. Woooooo!"

The crowd bursts into cheers and laughter, some mimicking the domino effect with their empty beer bottles.

Dick Drizzle (raising his glass): "When the dust settled, there I was, the hardest Dick in the room, Woooooo!"

Suddenly, the bar door bursts open, and in struts 'Loady' Potty Diaper, clad in a kilt with a noticeable diaper underneath. His face is a mix of annoyance and urgency as he scans the bar for a while before finally spotting Dick and making his way over.

Loady Potty Diaper: "Dick! What are ye doin', man? Ye should be preparin' for the battle, not drownin' in ye glass!"

Dick Drizzle: "Loady, my dear boy! Pull up a stool! The Natural prepares for battle in his own way, with whiskey and woo's! This Last Blood battle royal is just another night at the bar for Dick Drizzle! A bunch of jealous losers who aren't fit to hold my Dick as I piss God's nectar back into the Earth, Wooooo!"

Loady Potty Diaper: "This is no ordinary bar fight, Dick! It's a damn bloody bloodbath just waiting to happen. 30 men enter, 29 bleed, an the way ye drinkin' ye'll be the first to start gushin' the second some lad lays a finger on ye, yer blood's soo thin!"

Dick Drizzle guzzles down his drink: "Sobriety is for the weak! I can handle my drink, son! Woooo! I've faced tougher men than these in my bar brawls. Lumberjacks, soldiers, dikes you'd have a hard time tellin' weren't men, off duty cops, Fire Fighters, the mayor of that one town... Where was that again..? Oh well, doesn't matter! The point is, what do we have at Free 4 All? 'No-Show Noah'? Big, or erm... BOB Dookie? Some supposed doctor who looks even more haggard by father time than me? Ha! Nothin' to worry about at all kid! I'll be the last one standing, mark my words. They can't make me bleed. None of them! Cause they won't be able to land a shot! Woooooo!"

He hiccups loudly as the crowd cheers him on.

Dick Drizzle: "You like that!? The let's talk about my so-called 'competition' in this Last Blood battle royal. Woooooo!"

The crowd quiets down, eager to hear his rant.

Dick Drizzle: "First, we got Barney Green. This fella’s idea of a fight is throwing himself off high places. Wrapping himself in barbwire. Setting furniture on fire. That's not fighting. That's arson and stupidity! Now he hobbles like he's twice my age! Woooooo! He’s more of a danger to himself than anyone else in that ring. The knucklehead will likely bust himself open before he even makes it into the ring! Woooooo!"

The crowd snickers, nodding in agreement.

Dick Drizzle: "Then there's Bobby Bourbon. I won't speak ill of Bourbon... the drink, that is. But the wrestler? He’s all bark and no bite. Everytime that fat son of a bitch opens his mouth to call his shot, he fumbles the ball. Tag champ for a hot minute after declaring he and Flynn would revitalize the division. Top champ for an actual minute. Easily distracted with convenience store food. There we go Potty! We just need to swing by 7-11 before the big match! Woooooo!"

Laughter erupts from the crowd. 'Loady', knowing full well this exchange is being recorded, pulls at his collar at the thought of those words making it back to Bobby.

Dick Drizzle: "And Enigma. Ha! The name says it all. A mystery, 'cause I don’t have a damn clue who he is! Probably some masked nobody, am I right? Of course I am! Over half the clowns in this match are scabs that nobody's ever heard of! Woooooo!"

The crowd chuckles, enjoying Dick's roasts.

Dick Drizzle (smirking): "Ah, Sloane Taylor. Now there's a sight for sore eyes! Looking at the promotional poster released for this event, I've gotta admit, she’s got those sexy LA looks that could dazzle and enchant a lesser man. But not The Natural, oh no baby, to me you're a 7 at best! Woooooo! Now, unlike a lot of the punks today, I am a man of honor, and I'll say right now I have no interest in making a woman bleed, but let's just say, she might not walk out dry after coming in contact with Dick Drizzle! Woooooo!"

The crowd hoots and hollers, some men whistling.

Dick Drizzle: "Then there's Centurion, oh, he got lucky once with me, but this ain't his kind of fight. Centurion has trouble seeing past his own nose most of the time. No way he's prepared to outlast 29 other men in a match where the object is to bloody the other guys. Centurion might not have what it takes to last in this match, but The Natural outlasts them all! Woooooo!"

Dick then waves his hand dismissively, growing visibly frustrated with the long list of names.

Dick Drizzle: "You know what? To hell with trying to remember all these nobodies. They're all the same to me. Just a bunch of wannabe tough guys trying to step into the ring with The Natural. Woooooo! They don't stand a chance. They're all going down, and I'll be the last one standing, the hardest, most stylin', profilin', jet flyin', kiss-stealin', wheelin' n' dealin' son of a gun in that ring. Woooooo!"

He slams his glass down on the bar, the crowd erupting into applause and cheers, echoing his "Woooooo!" 'Loady' Potty Diaper, shaking his head with concern, steps up next to Dick, ready to escort him out.

"Loady" Potty Diaper (shouting over the noise): "Alright, Dick, let's get ye to the hotel. Ye've done enough 'preparing' for one night!"

Dick Drizzle, with a final "Woooooo!", Dick passes out drunk on the stool.

"ZZZZZzzzzzzzz"

Dick slumps into 'Loady' Potty Diaper's arms, and he carries him out of the bar as the crowd continues cheering and chanting Dick's name.

"Loady" Potty Diaper (through gritted teeth): "Damn enablers! You're gonna get him killed!"

Fade to black.

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