Hello everybody my name is Roger and this last week on the show whose name is Anarchy i had to have a fight of both John Thug and Tommy Thug at the same time and that was because i was betrayed by one of my new friend Molly the Barnes who left me hanging even after i tried to have a rescue of her from the terrible vampires and zombies at the stupid store called H&m Fitzrovia or maybe in Soho i can't remember because they are both the worst stores in foggy london history just like Molly the Barnes is the worst tag team partner in tag team partner history and now i need to extract revenge on her because even though i tried to save her from H&m she wasn't even there and that bitch Joseph Gordon-Levitt tricked me and made me smash a cute and cuddly lizard named Albuquerque into a million pieces with my warhammer and i got its satanic green blood on my shoes which i then had to have a toss of into the mighty Thames River where all satanic things in foggy london wind up like pentagram necklaces, our collective poop, and the Prince called Andrew when he eventually gets murdered.

All of this is to say that i have been feeling very sad and lonely and i tried to have a shop at my favourite store of all time that is known the world over as Aldi the Great and i even invited my best friend Prince Ibrahim of charming Niger along but it still wasn't enough to make me cheer up and have a dance of some sick moves in the streets like a cool dude again so i did the only logical thing possible i went home and i don't mean going back to my house in foggy london and playing candy crush on my phone for thirteen hours straight i mean going to my precious mum's house also in foggy london and i only got to play candy crush for four hours straight which is not very long at all in the big scheme of things but before I could crush another candy or two there was a ferocious knock on the door and my mum had her oven mitts on because the pasta bake was almost done and she needed to get it out of the oven so she asked me to have an answer of the door and so i did and i almost fainted and killed myself when i saw who it was having a buzz on the door.

Sorry that my tale is going to be less linear than the usual perfectly sensible narrative structure i usually uae but in order for your brain to be big enough so that you can understand how important the super secret reveal of who is behind the door i need to tell you about once upon a time when i was just a wee Roger growing up in foggy london when it was a tad bit less foggy and a tad bit more london i would put on my school uniform and pack my briefcase to go to school and learn all of the numbers and letters but every day of my time at high school i was followed around by a humongous lass who quite obviously couldn't resist my rugged sexual magnetism and after years of dodging her clutches one day she captured me and started giving me kisses behind the big oak tree next to the drinking fountains and i tried to call out for help but i don't think you understand just how big this oak tree was it was big enough for Molly to hide behind and she was humongous enough that my pleas for help were swallowed up by the cavern she calls a mouth so we're talking about a really big tree here.

Needless to say i was surprised to see the humongous Molly knocking on the door to my sweet sweet mum's house only she wasn't very humongous anymore and instead made me feel funny on the inside and my mummy called from the kitchen where she was tending to the pasta bake she said "oh hello Molly you look very pretty today thank you for coming to surprise my beautiful baby boy Roger" and so we ate the pasta bake and it was quite delicious as if that was ever in doubt and then after i had a brush of my teeth and put on my pjs Molly walked me to my bedroom and i invited her in and we had a sit on the edge of my bunk bed and then we she tried to kiss me again but this time i was brave and it felt a little like a dog licking the inside of my mouth which makes me kind of want a dog but i think that might be awkward and then Molly and i went to do the sex but out popped a slightly used gerbil from inside of Molly and immediately i grew suspicious.

The gerbil can't have been in there long because as i said it was only slightly used and Molly told me it's name was Neil and it was clear that bitch Joseph Gordon-Levitt had put it there and it goes to show you that you can never trust a girl named Molly except then she handed me my warhammer and told me you know what to do and i crushed Neil into jelly and the power of my sex turned humongous Molly away from the darkside and into my girlfriend and now i am all out of sex and Molly the Barnes will have to face my warhammer instead.

Thank you for listening to my x-rated tale.