The first pick of the motherfucking draft! THAT WAS ME, BAY-BEE! It’s about time someone recognized the greatness of my genius!

The Nickleman beamed with pride as he filled the #TEAMTLS headquarters with tobacco smoke. Charlie leaned back on a leather couch while awaiting the arrival of his #TEAMTLS-mates. A Gordo cigar remained tucked between Charlie’s callous lips as he exhaled the toxic fumes.

*HACK!*

Charlie sneers when he looks at the open doorway and sees one of the clowns drafted to his TRIAD team coughing up a lung, completely engulfed in a cloud of smoke.

What the fuck did you just call me?

The clown stared at Charlie with nothing but pain behind his bloodshot eyes. Charlie felt an unexpected chill rushing down his spine as the pair made eye contact. Staring into those self-loathing eyes felt like looking into the mirror. Charlie shook his head as he lowered his gaze, choosing instead to focus on this clown’s oversized shoes.

What? Call you? I don’t even have your phone number…I don’t have anyone’s phone number…..no one wants to talk to me.

The green-haired clown waves away the smoke while stumbling into the room like a drunken Irishman.

Oh Jesus clownin’ Christ….you must be Glum. That “killer” clown the tweeterbirds go crazy for…gotta say, I didn’t expect you to make it. After I beat you in that #1 draft pick battle royale, I thought you’d kill yourself for real! But I guess TLS drafted your suicidal ass, huh? Well…..welcome to the carnival, Glum!

Glum releases a pained sigh as he plops down next to The Nickleman. Charlie takes this opportunity to inspect his new teammate, giving him an ocular patdown so he can ascertain the clown’s threat level. Glum’s fashionable rainbow suspenders definitely gave him a less-than-intimidating aura, but the wounds on his wrists and the powder around his nostrils gave Charlie reason to pause.

I did it or something.

The last pick of the draft, you’re Mr. Irrelevant in the flesh!

Glum sighs again as his posture flattens.

Hey, don’t be so glum! You can be the Brock Purdy of this shit! You’re on a team with me, and I’m taking us all to the promised land! I’m an XWF O.G., which means I’m going to wipe the floor with all the minor-league stars in this contest! I’m going to make the XWF look so good in this competition that when I come back, those pieces of shit will HAVE to give me a Universal title shot! So I’m not just here celebrating my premiere draft status, y’know? I’m here celebrating my impending victory! Here, clownie, take a puff of this victory-gar, that’ll cheer ya up!

Charlie offers Glum the slow-burning cigar.

C’mon, it’ll be good for ya!

Glum looks at the Gordo.

It might give me cancer.

Glum snatches the cigar and starts taking puff after puff after puff. 

Woah! Slow down, it’s supposed to be puff-puff-pass, dickbag!

Glum takes another long drag.

But I want all the cancers.

Charlie’s face twists into befuddlement. He almost reaches out for his cigar, until he’s suddenly distracted by a slew of pocket vibrations. Charlie reaches into his trousers and pulls out his pink iphone.

Wah-Wah-Wah

Glum kept on smoking and self-loathing, but Charlie was too distracted to listen. The Nickleman was glued to his phone like a teenage gossip, typing furiously as he tuned out the world around him. Charlie’s texting rampage went on for an obnoxious amount of time, giving Glum ample opportunity to puff on The Nickleman’s Gordo. Once Glum finally finished the cigar he flicked the smoldering remnants onto the carpet.

If God was real, these ashes would start a fire.

Charlie’s ears flicker at the  ‘G’ word. He looks up from his phone and makes eye contact with Glum.

Oh there’s a God alright: he’s our Bastardly Father and you’d be wise to acknowledge his excellence in all things violent and destructive.

Charlie goes right back to his phone, typing up another storm. His brow furrows as he stares daggers into his screen.

Things like Suicide?

Glum asks with genuine curiosity, but Charlie doesn’t notice.

Yeah, stuff, you know…whatever. Fuck this little bitch is annoying!

Sorry or something. *clown sigh*....no one ever wants to listen to me.

Glum leans back, looking defeated once more. Charlie throws his hands up in a rage.

GAH, fuck! Why can’t he just leave me alone and let me do my Bastardly thing?

Glum stands up and sets off to leave.

Wait, where are you going? I’m not talking about you, sit back down!

Glum shrugs before plopping back down on the couch.

Who are you talking about?

I’m talking about my Bastardly Brother, Bobby Bourbon!

That’s a lot of Bs in a row.

Cuz that Boy’s Being a Big Bitch! Jesus clownin’ Christ! I’m just tryna’ get Alias into a tizzy before the TRIAD. I’m tryna beat his ass on Savage, or expose him for the coward he is, so I’ll have a clear upper hand going into the Strength Trials! So why the fuck is Bourbon trying to throw a wrench in my plans, fucking everything up?!

Glum shrugs.

I thought Brothers were supposed to have your back! Why is he pissing all over my parade, all the fucking time?

There’s no loyalty in this wretched world. What did you expect?

The Nickleman leaned back on the couch as a look of deep consternation spread across his face. Glum’s words rang true, stopping Charlie in his tracks. Dread knots began to form in his gut as he pondered the clown’s question.



When he originally joined up with Them No Good Bastards, Charlie had just dismantled Betsy Granger on Pay Per View to jumpstart his 2nd reign with the TV title. Charlie was a bonafide superstar before he ever set foot in BOBHQ: he had already main evented Relentless, he already had the longest TV title reign of the modern era, and he had already defeated Thunder Knuckles and Bobby Bourbon both! Charlie never expected BOB to catapult him to greatness….because he was always already great!



Charlie recoiled in silence as he let the question sink in. Truthfully, Charlie had never considered it in hindsight. After Charlie joined BOB he just kept on doing his Bastardly thing without much consideration for the reasons why. But as Charlie sat there pondering the question, a deep sense of embarrassment began to settle in around him.

After all, Charlie only joined BOB because he thought they could help him turn his TV title into a human bride. But they didn’t: because they obviously couldn’t. Charlie made the decision to join BOB during one of the greatest drug binges of his life: and now look what was happening. Charlie was about to enter into the greatest trial of his life, while his “Brothers” were sitting on the sidelines mocking and degrading him: just as they had done since the days of Jason Cashe.

In an instant, Charlie felt his Bastardly faith being shaken to the core. Throughout his whole XWF career Charlie moved from one enraged tirade to the next, giving little thought to the consequences of his actions or to the motives of those around him. But now? Things were beginning to change.

As Charlie reflected on Glum’s words, he saw a piece of himself in that suicidal clown. What had happened to the Charlie of yesteryear? Charlie Nickles used to be the bane of BOB’s existence. He earned that reputation by throwing every single member of BOB over the top rope en route to ending TK’s last reign as the TV champion. Charlie once said he would never join the ‘Brotherhood of Bitches’. But now, here he was: letting those very same bitches slander his good name. Had this all just been a ploy by TK and Bobby to neutralize BOB’s biggest threat? Was Charlie’s ‘joining’ of BOB really just another one of their schemes to take out the competition? Charlie was sick to his stomach as he felt the proverbial egg sticking to his face like the makeup of a sad clown.


Charlie’s train of thought was thrown off course by the sudden breaking of a rope. Charlie’s gaze flew over to the sight of the sound, where he saw Glum laying on the ground with a noose around his neck. Behind the clown was a kicked over chair, and above the chair there was a length of frayed rope connected to the ceiling.

WHY GOD WHY?!

Once again Charlie’s ears flicker in response to the ‘G’ word. This time, however, a lightbulb also flashes directly above his head! Charlie jumps off the couch excitedly as he rushes towards Glum with surprising merriment.

I know what we need to do to fix everything!

The clown looks up at Charlie with a blank stare.

The core nucleus of BOB is disintegrating! Bobby’s dragging me into a fight! So of course you’re having issues even being alive, having to watch this madness inside of BOB unfold! Watching friends tear each other to pieces could drive anyone mad!

I don’t think your faction politics are why I want to kill myself…

It’s so OBVIOUS what we need to do….we need to find The Bastardly Father!

The clown raises a suspicious eyebrow.

Only HE, through his vile grace and infinite wisdom, can repair the fabric of BOB! He can fix whatever foul affliction is tearing me and Bobby apart, he can bless my quest to win the TRIAD, and he can probably even cure you of being a suicidal clown! He might even make you a BASTARD! Now come on, we have to find him, we don’t have any more time to waste!

Charlie drags Glum to his feet before ushering the clown out of the #TEAMTLS-HQ and into the Bastard’s red hummer limousine, which was conveniently waiting with a driver outside.

Are you ready to go to Cambodia for the Strength trials?

No….TAKE US TO THE BASTARD TEMPLE!

Right away, sir.

The driver pulls the limo off the curb and heads for the highway as they begin their journey to the place all Bastards hold sacred.

So you have to fight your friend now? Wow, that's depressing.

Charlie waves a disapproving finger at Glum from the limo's backseat.

No no hold on now, you're not going to trick me into shooting on a fellow Bastard. I’m not gonna sit here and just cut a scathing promo on my BROTHER, Glum. There's honor among Bastards, doncha' know? There’s a code to how we settle our intra-Bastardly conflicts. Just watch the tapes. TK vs Marf. Crash vs Me. March Madness 2022.

Only a completely worthless son of a bitch would turn their back on our tradition. I mean, fuck: what would I even say? That Bobby is, at best, ¼ of the greatest tag team champions in XWF history? That Bobby and I won our XWF tag titles in the exact same way: as crippled do-nothings getting wheeled around by our partners? That Bobby is not-so-secretly a jealous bitch who's always despised me for earning TK's trust, because Bobby has an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with his coworker? What am I supposed to say, that Bobby finally got himself into a mess TK can't simply wipe off his face?

No, Glum. You can't trick me into saying any of that!

Glum shrugs as Charlie waves away the ridiculous notion.

Besides, I might not even have to fight him to win this match! This match is all about opening doors- which is something I'm already doing for BOB in TRIAD as we speak! We can just play the game and leave each other well enough alone. I don't need to beat the dogshit out of Bobby Bourbon unless he forces me to...and if he's smart, he won't force me to.

The #TEAMTLS-mates settle into the backseat of the Bastard's limo as we fade to black.