ISAIAH KING
- vs -
TOMMY GUNN Standard Warfare Rules
Music plays and Tommy Gunn comes out. He makes a shooting gesture with his thumb, fore and middle fingers to various people in the crowd before getting in the ring and then sitting on the top turnbuckle awaiting his opponent. If he is the second to enter than he does all of the previous stuff but instead of sitting on the top turnbuckle he just attacks his opponent.
The stadium falls into silent as a spotlight flashes onto the top of the stage, revealing the silhouette of Isaiah King, head bowed and wearing what looks like a leather jacket open at the front. As the base hits the speakers, he raises his head and takes a big breath. He slowly raises his fist into the air and his adoring fans scream in support. His mouth curls into a smile as he starts walking down towards the ring.
Introducing YOUR "Heir Apparent", Isaiah KIIIIIIIIINNNGGG!
He walks up to a fan wearing his merch, pressing his forehead up to his before continuing his way to the ring. Sliding under the bottom rope, he raises both hands to his side like a cross, palms open and challenging his opponent.
DING! DING! DING!
Three rings of the bell and we're off to the races. Tommy Gunn and Isaiah King both burst out of their corners with no hesitation, squaring up in the middle of the ring. The two men immediately lock horns in a tie up. While the men stand at an identical height - 6'3"- their build and stature couldn't be more distinct. Isaiah is quickly overpowered by the much larger and more muscular Tommy Gunn. Isaiah tries to engage in the classic test of strength, but it appears that Tommy Gunn is gaining the upper hand as he starts slowly pushing his opponent back.
PC: "Hot start tonight for Tommy Gunn- I have to say, I didn't see this coming! The Kingslayer has been on a massive roll as of late!"
HHL: "Don't put the cart before the horse yet, my little friend!"
Gunn keeps pushing King backwards, until the wiley King has finally had enough. With a swift knee to the gut, Gunn's grip is forced to relent. Isaiah follows up the big knee with a big European uppercut to the jaw that sends Tommy reeling backwards. King finishes the combination with a right hook and then a left cross, the combined force of which sends Tommy Gunn falling back into the ropes.
HHL: "And here comes King with that patented offense!"
PC: "He's getting warmed up now!"
Suddenly! Thunder Knuckles walks out from behind the curtain. He’s proudly wearing his Universal Championship and has a metal folding chair in hand.
HHL: What’s he doing here?
Pip: What do you mean! That's our Universal Champion! Thunder Knuckles looks to be scouting his competition.
HHL: Yeah, I’m sure that’s all that Bastard is doing…
TK opens the folding chair and sits at the top of the ramp. He’s getting a bird's eye view of the man who interrupted his celebration at Relentless.
Meanwhile, back in the ring, Tommy Gunn's beefy body is propelled off the ropes, and he comes charging back towards King. Tommy lashes out with a big, out-of-control clothesline that Isaiah King manages to duck. Tommy hits the opposite set of ropes, but instead of launching off them once more, he instead pulls himself to a stop by grabbing a hold of the top set of ropes. Tommy wipes a single bead of sweat off of his brow before turning back around, finally in control of his own legs again.
Until The Kingslayer sweeps his legs out from under him! Tommy Gunn hits the mat and King begins laying into him with a bevy of big boots to the back. Gunn groans in pain as boot after boot slams into his body. The Kingslayer then jumps on Tommy's back and begins locking in a chokehold! Tommy's lips turn blue and his face goes pale, but just when it looks like he might tap out he reaches for the ropes, holding on for dear life as the referee breaks the hold!
PC: "Tommy Gunn came into this match like he was shot out of a cannon, but now, it's all Isaiah King!"
King grumbles to the referee as he lets Tommy Gunn go free. Tommy then pulls himself up with the help of the ropes before approaching King once more. Tommy lashes out with a big haymaker that doesn't connect. King sidesteps the attack before punching Tommy Gunn in the gut. Tommy is forced to keel over, and that's when King drops down to his back. King then looks to connect with a sharp uppercut- but it's no use! Tommy's already lost his balance, and has now fallen atop Isaiah King for the cover!
1!
2!!
KICKOUT!
HHL: "THAT WAS A CLOSE CALL!"
PC: "I've NEVER liked that move from Isaiah King- hopping onto your own back is never a smart idea in this business, unless you're looking to earn a shot at the BOMBSHELL championship!"
Isaiah King kicks out of the pinfall attempt with all his might, forcing Tommy Gunn off of him. King then scrambles up to his feet much quicker than Gunn. King grabs Gunn before bringing him in close, wrapping his arms around Gunn's neck. Isaiah King then drops Tommy Gunn straight to the mat before flipping him over and going for the cover!
1!
2!!
KICKOUT!
HHL: "Tommy Gunn still has some fight left in him!"
PC: "But how much?! That's the question King needs to be asking!"
Isaiah pulls himself back up to his feet as he waits for his opponent to rise. Isaiah then rushes his dazed opponent, leaping at the last moment and wrapping his arms around Tommy's head as his legs wrap around Tommy's torso. King then drops his weight back, driving Tommy's skull straight into the mat!
King scrambles atop Gunn to cover him for the pin!
1!
2!!
3!!!
Winner by Pinfall - Isaiah King
As the ref's hand hits the mat for the three count TK stands up and grabs the folding chair he was once sitting in.
HHL: Oh, this is where it’s going to get ugly, Pip!
Pip: You wouldn’t be saying that if it was Ned Kaye at the top of the ramp!
TK with chair in hand starts to head to the ring.
HHL: See, Pip!
TK stops dead in his tracks with a smirk on his face.
Pip: See what, Heather? A man who is excited to see his competition succeed? The mark of a real Champion, if you ask me!
King notices TK at the top of the ramp with a chair in his hand. He motions TK to come down to the ring. Those with good lip reading skills can make out the words “Not for free, buddy. Get fucked.” King postures for the crowd as TK heads to the back.
HHL: What a night and we’re just getting started!
Pip: Yeah, what a night! Heather's out here throwing shade on good people! Shame on you Heather!
'Icky Thump' by The White Stripes starts to play. The fans boo! Oh, how they fuckin boo. So many boos. Still booing. Yes, they are STILl booing. Slade Durant slides through the curtain amidst the loudest boos ever heard on planet earth. Louder than any heavily infested ghost house. Slade takes his time walking down the ramp. He snatches signs from fans supporting their favorite XWF wrestlers. He grabs a kids soda and dumps it over their head. Slade snatches a fans beer and takes a sip...it's disgusting ...he slings it into the crowd, hitting an elderly person in the head. Durant reaches the ring, walks up the steps and enters through the ropes. It's all fun and games for Slade until he spots a 'CHET DAKOTA' sign in the crowd. Slade frowns...his eyes narrow and become filled with murder.
Voices hit the sound system and from the get go Victor The Judge Mental makes his way out onto the ramp. He walks straight to the middle of the ramp and when the lyrics get to "But When Rules start getting broken" he kneels down.
Once the song gets to "I hear voices crying" fire works above the stage go off, and once the song gets to "I feel the tension rising" Victor stands back up and makes his way to the ring.
Antony follows him to the ring once all the smoke clears.
SLADE DURANT
- vs -
VICTOR THE JUDGE MENTAL Standard Warfare Rules
DING! DING! DING!
As the bell rings, Victor and Slade both waste little time getting warmed up as they meet in the center of the ring. The fans are raucous and mouthy, jeering at both men given their less-than-stellar reputations around the XWF. However, it seems here that both men have the same idea as they… offer handshakes to each other?
Both men appear to be caught off-guard by this sudden development as their eyes widen!
HHL: Seems like both of these guys aren’t used to each other throwing around good sportsmanship like this.
Pip: And this shouldn’t be the case! It’s the XWF, Heather! We need more upstanding, high-character people willing to show respect here! People like Slade Durant and Victor Mental!
HHL: I wonder why people are hesitant to give sportsmanship to these two…
Both Slade and Victor look at each other, then back to their hands, then back at each other! There’s a bit of a verbal exchange ongoing between them as the crowd continuously chants no at them. There’s a bit of delayed tension as both men debate on what to do… before they shake hands!
AND THEN THEY BOTH PUNCH EACH OTHER IN THE FACE AT THE SAME TIME!
HHL: Well, that’s why. You were saying, Pip?
Pip: I- um- uh- just talking about how evenly matched these two are when it comes to the mental game!
The crowd is now loudly chanting “YOU BOTH SUCK” at both wrestlers, and both Slade and Victor clearly are not in the mood to hear this as they shake their heads in disapproval. Victor turns around, only to see Durant quickly getting him into a front facelock! He’s got it locked on tight, and proceeds to go behind and sink in a waist lock! Trying to squeeze the air out of Victor Mental here!
But Victor quickly counters with an over-the-shoulder snapmare! Durant lands right on his ass, and Victor goes right in and slaps on a lightning-fast chinlock! The referee goes to quickly check on the submission, but Durant isn’t tapping yet! He scoots his feet forward towards the ropes, inching forward… Victor is keeping the hold locked in for right now, but Durant is getting closer!
Just as the ref turns his attention to the ropes to see if Durant is making it over to there with his foot, Durant takes advantage by reaching up and raking the eyes of Victor Mental! Victor has to give up the hold as he slides away, holding his face as more boos ring out! Slade laughs as he slowly gets back onto his feet, chasing after his prey.
Victor is in the corner, huddled over the top turnbuckle as he tries rubbing at his eyes. The referee puts two and two together and admonishes Durant, but Durant simply pushes him aside for the time being as he goes to pursue Victor. He takes Victor out of the corner -
WHAM!
VICTOR TAKES OFF THE TURNBUCKLE AS HE’S BEING TURNED AROUND AND SLAMS IT RIGHT INTO SLADE DURANT’S FACE!
HHL: Victor must have taken that turnbuckle off while he was over in the corner!
Pip: Gutsy move that could have backfired!
Victor quickly discards the turnbuckle as the referee recovers, none the wiser for the time being as Slade looks groggy and out of it. It’s enough for Victor to be able to safely lunge in and slip behind - GERMAN SUUUUUUUUUUUPLEX!
And the German has a bridge applied to it! Quick pin attempt by Victor Mental!
OOOONE!
TWOOOO!
KICKOUT!
Slade gave an emphatic kickout there, but he’s trying to quickly collect his bearings as he gets onto one knee. It’s a lot for him right now after having his bell rung from that turnbuckle shot. But as he gets onto his knees, Victor uses his foot to raise Slade’s face -
CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
HHL: Jaw-shattering karate kick there from Victor Mental! Those educated feet are teaching Slade Durant a lesson right now!
Pip: Victor’s smelling blood in the water and he’s not letting up! I love it, Heather!
Slade slumps over, trying to roll his way to safety. He finds temporary solace in the opposing ring corner, which he uses to slowly prop himself to his feet. Victor is there, however, delivering a right hand to Slade and looking for an Irish Whip to the exposed turnbuckle!
OH! But Slade manages to raise his foot in time, catching himself on the middle rope and preventing him from running into the exposed metal! Victor lunges behind Slade, trying to shove him into the metal - but Slade manages to throw a nasty back elbow hitting Victor right on the nose! Victor staggers back, turning around to try and check on his face in relative safety… but it doesn’t last long as Slade manages to hit Victor with an ATOMIC DROP!
Victor winces, limping for a moment before falling onto his knees after that nasty Atomic Drop. But there’s no rest for the wicked, as now it’s Slade Durant on the follow-up! He grabs at Victor by the head, prying him into a standing position… inverted DDT! Now it’s Slade with the cover!
OOOOOONE!
TWOOOOOO!
KICKOOOOUT!
HHL: The two of them going back and forth right now, hard to say who’s going to come out on top here!
Pip: Just comes down to which one of them is going to make the first major mistake here!
Slade looks to confirm with the ref that the count was, in fact, only a two, before grunting and turning his attention back to Victor. But at that moment, Victor reaches into his pocket and pulls out some kind of foreign object?! He throws it right to the corner of the ring, and it catches the referee’s eye! He goes over to investigate right as Slade pulls up Victor -
LOW BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOW
HHL: I don’t believe it! Slade’s Durants might have just shot back into his own body!
Pip: He’s not gonna be making any Little Durants any time soon, that’s for damn sure!
Slade groans in pain, right as the referee tosses to the outside what looks to be a pair of brass knuckles Victor had hidden in his tights! He shakes his head and turns around, none the wiser to the entire situation as Victor manages to get back onto his feet!
Victor runs the ropes, looking for a Superman Punch - but Slade manages to roll out of the ring just in the nick of time!
Pip: That’s right! Take a breather, Slade! You earned it!
The crowd is none too thrilled about what they’re seeing on display, but Slade just waves them off, cursing under his breath as he limps around after the shot to his crotch just a little while ago. Victor Mental has a bullseye right on Slade Durant, though, as he rolls out of the ring and starts chasing him outside! Around and around the two go, and it looks like there’s no end in sight to their chase!
Finally, after three laps around the ring, Slade trips on the outside! His hands fumble about to try and steady himself, but Victor is right there behind him! Slade quickly throws a back kick, stumbling Victor over as Slade rolls into the ring! He quickly scampers to the opposite side of the ropes to buy himself some breathing room as he fiddles with his hands, and Victor rolls in after him!
Victor goes after the referee, but the ref ducks down low to grab Victor by the waist and keep him away from Slade, who’s clearly in the ropes and is trying to recover! No rule slights here as Victor loudly complains, but with the referee looking down - IT ALLOWS SLADE TO POP UP AND HIT VICTOR WITH THE BRASS KNUCKLES THROWN OUTSIDE EARLIER!
HHL: That sly bastard! When he fell outside, it was just so he could get those brass knuckles for himself!
Pip: He just got outplayed and outskilled at his own game, Heather! Victor might just be a Mental case for letting that happen to him!
Victor goes limp right on the spot, but Slade manages to pocket the brass knuckles before the referee can question what the Hell just happened. He hoists Victor onto his shoulders, and eyes up the exposed turnbuckle… AND HE HITS VICTOR WITH SNAKE EYES RIGHT ON THE EXPOSED METAL!
After that nasty impact of skull against steel, he pulls Victor into the center of the ring, allowing him to hoist him up and hit an INVERTED BRAINBUSTERRRRRRRRRRRR!
HHL: The Durant Drop into another case of Sladercide! What sickening impacts there!
Pip: Count to a million, this one is done.
Slade hooks the leg as the referee counts!
OOOOOOOONE!
TWOOOOOOOO!
THREEEEEEEE!
Winner by Pinfall - Slade Durant!
HHL: Folks, this next match is going to be a doozy!
PIP: To say the least, Heather! There is SO MUCH BAD BLOOD between… everyone in this match!
The lights in the arena go deep blue as smoke fills the air. Pink and silver laser lights cut through the smoke and it looks fucking rad.
PIP: God, that looks fucking rad.
As Big Energy blares throughout the arena, slowly walking out onto the entrance ramp is Bobby Bourbon. He looks out at the crowd in the arena, cold and stoic, surveying his surroundings.
The laser lights shine all over the arena, before converging into a stylized 'B.D.E.'.
After a moment, Big D walks onto the entrance ramp.
Finally bursting through the black curtain, accompanying the Bobby D Express to the ring is the NEW King of the Midcarders™, Universal Champion Thunder Knuckles!
D puts his arms in the air, Bourbon raises his fists at 45 degree angles, then the pair head down the ramp, heading for the ring.
HHL: B.O.B. is looking more dominant than ever before! They have the Universal championship! They have the X-Treme championship!
PIP: They RULE THE XWF
HHL: But can they fend off their first big challenge post-Relentless tonight?
D and Bobby climb opposite steps of the ring. D walks to a corner, climbing to the second rope, lifting his X-Treme title to the crowd, as Bobby raises his fists at 45 degree angles. Thunder Knuckles steps up to the corner, holding his Universal Title across his shoulder, making more money in appearance fees than anyone in this arena will make in their lifetime.
The lights go back to normal and the music stops.
…
Ned Kaye stands at the point where the spotlights merge to thunderous applause. He lifts his fist up in the air, awaiting the crowd to do the same…
Emerging from the black curtain behind Kaye… Mark Flynn! Wearing his custom bomber jacket… He spins around to reveal to the crowd… Along the back, it reads ‘UNCIE FLYNN’.
PIP: Why the Hell is Flynn wearing that jacket? He isn’t an uncle!
HHL: From what I hear, he printed a thousand of them and needs to move the merch so XWF doesn’t lose money.
This time, Flynn extends out a fist across the aisle, Kaye nods and bumps it.
The duo rush down to the ring, serenaded by blue hues that light up the ramp following their steps. The lights above the stadium darken in their blue color as Ned gets closer to the ring, little bits of ember adorning the X-Tron and ramp, orange breaking up the blue.
D quickly rolls under the bottom rope to the outside, keeping his belt close… Bourbon disinterestedly rubs his nose, standing his ground in the corner.
PIP: Flynn and Kaye! The yin-and-yang of the XWF! One white-meat babyface, one anti-hero trying to stay committed to good!
HHL: And while they don’t always see eye-to-eye, Pip, you CANNOT argue with their results in the ring!
Kaye leaps over the ropes into the ring before looking down, breathing the moment in, and pointing out at the crowd, ready to fight just with their energy alone. Flynn bends his knees, stretching his 43-year old limbs, like he’s gonna try to replicate Kaye’s aerial leap… Then just gently rolls himself under the bottom rope.
Jumping a bit from the adrenaline, Kaye makes his way to his corner as he prepares for the bell. D rolls back inside the ring, joining Bobby, who cranks his neck like he’s ready to go to work.
Flynn has his sights set on Bourbon and D, laser-focused on his opponent.
HHL: There is SO MUCH TENSION in the ring right now! I love it!
PIP: Absolutely, Heather! D stole Flynn’s X-Treme belt right from under his nose! Ned and D are former partners, and D has spent many weeks needling Ned for abandoning him! Ned is the first and only competitor to EVER kick out of Bobby Bourbon’s Bobby Bomb! And Bourbon ended Flynn’s six-month long era of dominance as Universal champion!
The official steps up and calls each team to send a man to the ring.
Kaye confers with Flynn, who immediately wraps an arm around Kaye’s neck and tries to cram a lifetime worth of tag strategy into Kaye’s noggin. Kaye rolls his eyes, and nods along as Flynn eventually releases him and steps onto the apron.
D slings the belt over to Bourbon, who slings it over to the timekeeper’s table. D amps himself up, ready to throw hands with his former partner, Ned Kaye.
The crowd gets to its feet! They’ve been waiting for this confrontation since B.o.B. D returned to the XWF!
D hops from one foot to the other, psyching himself up for a fight against his old partner. Kaye centers himself, hands up, ready to grapple.
HHL: Oh man! We’re about to finally see Notorious B.I.G. explode! Ned versus D! It’s about time!
The moment the bell rings, D backward-rolls and tags out to Bourbon!
The crowd’s delight in this showdown immediately turns to boos and jeers.
HHL: …Aw.
PIP: D proving once more that he’s not out here to please any of these fans! He’s out here to win and make B.O.B. look GOOD.
As Bourbon lumbers through the ropes, ready to join the action, D alternates between pointing and laughing at Ned for thinking he’d let Ned get a shot at him that quickly, to the whole crowd for thinking the same thing. The arena erupts into boos.
Ned looks miffed and irritated, before Flynn snaps behind him. Flynn points to his head, reminding him how much of tag wrestling is headgames.
…Ned nods, spinning back towards Bourbon.
Bourbon’s arms move to grapple around Ned!
…But the Notoriously Agile One deftly sidesteps, ducking under Bourbon’s slower grapple, catching him with a standing switch into a waistlock!
HHL: Incredible quickness from Ned Kaye!
Ned digs his heels into the mat, looking to LIIIIIIIIIFT BOURBON! Germa…
…
Ger…
…
Despite Ned’s best efforts, Bourbon bends his knees, successfully anchoring himself to the mat.
PIP: Kaye is no weakling… But, damn, Bourbon is a SEISMIC FORCE IN THE RING!
…Ned sheepishly releases Bourbon’s waist, trying to neatly transition to a wristlo-
But Bobby Bourbon snaps his grip around Kaye’s wrist instead! And heaves him into the air!
BIG BOY TOSS!
Kaye gets scoooooooped off his feet, landing flat on his back!
HHL: WHAT A THROW! I haven’t seen a slam like that EVER!
Kaye lands with a thud, grasping at his back!
Bourbon scoops the Notorious One off the mat quickly… AND THROWS HIM BACK DOWN with a BODY SLAM!
HHL: WHAT A THROW! I haven’t seen a slam like that… since the last one!
Bourbon stands above Kaye, sticking his hands out at forty-five degree angles…
Flynn grabs the middle rop getting low on the apron…
Bourbon lifts one leg! Calling for a leg drop!
Flynn stomps his foot on the apron!
BOURBON DROPS THE LEG…
…
But Kaye rolls out of the way! Bourbon’s tailbone crunches, as his face contorts with pain!
Bourbon climbs to his feet… But Kaye has already zipped to a vertical base, and delivers a sitout dropkick straight to Bourbon’s schnozz!
Bourbon rolls backwards over his neck, falling onto his face! Desperate to stop Kaye’s momentum, D makes the tag!
D rushes in… Kaye reels his fist back ready to swing!
And, just as quick, D backpedals back outside!
The crowd boos furious that D is making them wait for a D-Kaye confrontation!
HHL: Incredible headgames by B.o.B. D, doing everything in his power to irritate Kaye, throwing him off his game!
Bourbon slides back between the ropes to the outside, as D steps to Ned, grabbing each of the ropes with his hands like he has to be held back from going after Kaye!
Kaye is getting impatient with all this chicanery! He rushes in to make the first move!
…As he does, though, Bourbon gives D a surreptitious smack on the back.
The referee claps! It’s a tag!
Flynn howls to Kaye! ”WATCH IT, NEDDERS!”
But Kaye is already halfway through pressuring D into the ropes… And immediately catches a two-hundred-and-ninety-one pound SHOULDER BLOCK OVER THE TOP ROPE FROM BOBBY BOURBON! WHAT AGILITY!
Kaye gets thrown back like he just got hit by a Dodge Ram! Bourbon rolls back to his feet as Kaye shakes off the stars from that one. Bourbon hooks the leg…
The official drops to count!
1!
2!
THR-
Kaye forces a shoulder up!
HHL: Ned refusing to give up the fight that easily!
Bourbon leaps back to his feet, wrapping his mitts around Kaye’s neck, forcing the Notorious One back to his feet…
Bourbon LIFTS Kaye off the mat by his throat, holding him in mid-air!
The official steps up to count the illegal choke!
1!
2!
3!
Fo-
Bourbon drops Kaye to the mat! The official gives Bourbon an earful, telling him to obey his commands!
HHL: The referee reminding Bobby that HE makes the rules around here!
PIP: What rules?!? It’s X-TREME RULES! No disqualifications!
Indeed, Bourbon just wraps his mitts around Kaye’s lifting him off the mat once more! Kaye’s legs kick desperately in the air as the official counts his questionably-potent count once more!
One!
Two!
Kaye’s legs stop swinging desperately…
Three!
And drive up toward his chest!
Four!
Fi-
KAYE DRIVES HIS WEIGHT DOWNWARDS CLINGING ONTO BOURBON’S NECK!
DESPERATION JAWBREAKER!
Bourbon’s skull rebounds! His legs ripple… But he remains standing!
HHL: Bobby Bourbon took a shot to the chin that would drop ninety percent of the roster! And he just keeps coming!
Bourbon tries to shake off the cobwebs from that one… He starts to reach for Kaye to keep the offense coming…
But Kaye extends his leg! LEG SWEEP! Bourbon’s back hits the mat!
Bourbon tries to roll backwards to get back on his feet!
But the lightning-fast Kaye catches him with a DOUBLE-STOMP to the chest! Bourbon’s stomach caves inward as oxygen is driven out of his chest!
Kaye quickly hops into a cover!
1!
2!
TH-WITH AUTHORITY, Bourbon forces Kaye off him!
PIP: WOW! That kickout had the force of a cannon!
Bourbon and Kaye both scramble to their feet! Kaye delivers Bourbon a kick to the stomach!
Another!
A third!
A fou-
BOURBON CATCHES THE KICK! And tosses Kaye backwards into his own corner!
HHL: Ooh, Kaye is in his corner! Great spot to be in for his team!
PIP: Only great if Flynn wants to hop in the ring with a beast like Bourbon!
HHL: Of course he does! Flynn wouldn’t leave Ned in there to get ravaged!
Bourbon mean-mugs Flynn as he steps up to Kaye in the corner!
…Flynn puts both his hands in the air, backing off the apron like… ‘who me? Why would I tag in?’
HHL: …Uh. Never mind, I guess?
PIP: Looks like Flynn is more interested in having functional discs in his spine than throwing himself into harm’s way!
Bourbon scoops Kaye under the armpits… Getting his legs set for the BIG BOY TOSS OF THE CENTURY!!!
…As he does, Flynn sneaks a hand through the ropes and smacks Ned on the ass!
The referee claps! That’s a tag!
HHL: Ha! There we go!
BOURBON HEAVES KAYE UP AND INTO THE AIR!
…
Like an OLYMPIC GYMNAST, KAYE FLIPS! LANDING ON HIS FEET! He sprints out of the toss, runs up the turnbuckle, kicks off it to build momentum…
PIP: This isn’t parkour, this is wrestling! SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY!
Bourbon turns around… AS NED CATCHES HIM WITH A NOTORIOUS KNEE TO THE SKULL!
Bourbon is ROCKED back towards the corner… Where Flynn propels his leg over the top rope, KICKING Bourbon in the back of the skull! Bourbon stumbles forward… Where Ned leaps, wrapping his legs around Bourbon’s neck… SNAP HURRICANRANA!
HHL: Bourbon is getting smacked arond the ring like a pinball!
Bourbon front somersaults, looking real beaten down!
HHL: Bourbon may be a tough sunovabitch! But he just took a concentrated walloping from two of the XWF’s best!
Bourbon crawls back to his corner, where D reaches into to smack Bobby on the leg…
BUT FLYNN REELS Bobby Bourbon backwards! He wags his finger at D, like tsk-tsk. D seethes angrily!
HHL: D tried to sneakily bling tag himself in and Bobby out! But Flynn saw it coming!
PIP: Of course he did! Flynn practically invented that move!
Meanwhile, Ned steps back out to the apron as Flynn drags Bourbon by his skull back out of his corner…
D quietly steps off the apron, dipping around the turnbuckle…
As he does, Thunder Knuckles sidesteps over to the timekeeper’s table and snatches the X-Treme Title…
Back inside the ring, Flynn wraps Bourbon in a guillotine position, looking for the Logical Conclusion!
D slides back under the bottom rope facing Flynn’s back… Still clutching the belt… As Flynn hits a reverse backbreaker…
Flynn looks to finish the move… LOGICAL CON-
D WRAPS FLYNN IN A SCHOOLBOY! WITH A FISTFUL OF FIGHTS!
HHL: A sneak attack pin! This is exactly how D pinned Flynn to take the X-Treme title! But… D’s not the legal man!
PIP: Heather! X-TREME RULES! NO RULES! GET IT THROUGH YOUR SKULL!
Indeed, the official counts D’s pin!
1!
2!
Th-NO! FLYNN FORCES A SHOULDER OFF THE MAT!
Flynn tries to struggle back to his feet, Big D looks back to TK in the corner!
TK takes the X-Treme title in his hands and slings it under the bottom rope!
Flynn spins toward D as D scoops the belt off the mat aaaaaaand…
WHAM! D CATCHES MARK FLYNN WITH A HUUUUGE DISCUS BELTSHOT TO THE SKULL!
HHL: B.o.B. D, unethically bringing a weapon into this tag match!
PIP: Whaddya gonna do, disqualify him? X-TREME RULES! NO DISQUALIFICATIONS!
Before Flynn’s back can even hit the mat, D drops the belt, stacking Flynn’s shoulders onto his back!
1!
2!
THRE-AT THE LAST SECOND, NED DIVES THROUGH THE ROPES AND SHOULDERS D BACKWARD OFF FLYNN!
HHL: Ned seems to have realized if there are no legal men, might as well get in on this action!
Flynn rolls over to the corner to catch his breath…
Meanwhile, D backwar- rolls onto his ass! Ned steps forward, ready to thump his former partner back to his senses! D crawls backward, covering his face!
…Ned hesitates…
WHICH IS THE OPENING BOURBON NEEDED FOR A…
SHORYUKEN! Straight to the back of Ned’s skull!
PIP: KAYE-OH!
Bourbon starts crawling to hook the le-...
…But already sees Ned stirring back up to his feet!
Bourbon grits his teeth grumpily. He hooks his arms around Ned’s and drag him up to his feet!
He barks at D in the corner, holding the X-Treme belt to FINISH HIM!
TK outside the ring, punctuates the order with a thumb across the throat!
D looks at the belt, looks at Ned trapped in Bobby’s grip…
And grins fiendishly! He stands, setting his legs like a designated hitter, ready to blast this shot outta the park!
…Bourbon is so busy directing traffic, dragging Ned to the center of the mat, he doesn’t see Flynn stirring behind him, slowly rising to his feet!
D points at Ned, duplicating TK’s taunt calling for the kill shot!
…When from behind, Flynn dives forward…
D spins…
THUMP! Flynn delivers a diving headbutt straight to Bourbon’s spine! Bourbon, surprised, stumbles forward…
D DELIVERS A DISCUS TITLE SHOT STRIKE…
…
…
STRAIGHT ACROSS BOBBY BOURBON’S DOME!
HHL: Error! Friendly fire!
Bourbon collapses onto his back, counting the arena’s ceiling tiles…
D’s face contorts in horror, as he stares down at the belt like its the weapon’s fault for missing!
When… suddenly D is taken off his feet!
BY NED KAYE! ROLLUP!
The referee looks around all the bodies in the ring, lost in the chaos sauce… Until Flynn whistles at him, pointing at the pin!
The official shakes his head, finally finding something he can do to stop this! He dives to count!
1!
2!
THR...
…
BUT NED IS TUGGED OUT OF THE RING!
BY THUNDER KNUCKLES! THE UNIVERSAL CHAMPION!
HHL: Thunder Knuckles is NOT competing in this match. This is outside interference!!!
The moment Kaye gets yanked out of the ring, he catches a EUROPEAN UPPERCUT straight to the chin from TK! He drops flat on his back to the padded concrete
Flynn looks furiously at this, rolling under the bottom rope to support his partner!
…BUT TK GRABS FLYNN BY THE LEG! THUNDERSTRIKE LEG DDT!
HHL: TK’S THUNDERSTRIKE IS THE MOST DEVASTATING LEG-BASED DDT MOVE IN XWF HISTORY! BAR NONE!
Flynn grips his knee in terrible leg pain!
TK grabs the hobbled Flynn by the back of the neck and rolls him back under the rope!
HHL: I can’t believe this! How many matches has Thunder Knuckles gotten involved in so far tonight?
PIP: He’s the Universal Champion, Heather! The Star of the show! When he’s not on-screen, all the other wrestlers should be asking ‘Where’s TK?!?’
Flynn tries to scramble back to his feet on the mat… But he grits his teeth. His leg is no shape to fin-
WHAM! That moment, B.o.B. D catches him with a chop block right to his injured leg!
Bourbon stands up, shaking off cobwebs, getting ready to defend D’s winning pin attempt, as D calls for the big finish! D points at every one of these people who didn’t like him when he was a nice guy and tells them to suck it as he sets Flynn in position.
HERE IT COMES!
THE DAN SL-
"There's only one true King in the XWF, and it sure as hell ain't you."
The chilling words blast through the XWF speakers and fill the stadium queuing the now familiar "The Kings Affirmation" entrance theme.
HHL: It’s ISAIAH KING! NUMBER ONE CONTENDER FOR THE UNIVERSAL TITLE!
PIP: And he looks NONE TOO HAPPY after TK got involved in his match earlier tonight!
HHL: Absolutely, Heather! King is in a score-settling mood right now!
The ring lights dim, taking the attention away from the brawling tag-teams and covering the top of the ramp with white light. Smoke erupts out to cover the curtain.
An extended arm holding… What looks to be a bloody wrench breaks through the smoke and is quickly followed by the body of Isaiah "The Kingslayer" King. He's got a dark smirk on his face, and on the other hand a metal folding chair and a microphone.
As the lights settle back into the usual match flow, outside the ring, we see Ned staring up the ramp at the approaching man with confusion. Bourbon looks mildly amused and B.o.B D's eyes flicker immediately to his rusted X-treme belt on the mat. Taking advantage of the distraction, Flynn shoves out of D’s grip and rolls outside the ring!
"You thought you could play games with me? YOU? What? You blow up one orphanage and you're suddenly The Joker out here? Please." Isaiah's voice rings through the crowd as he reaches the bottom of the ramp. Circling the ring, King reaches… INTO THE RING! He snatches the belt!
D’s face erupts in rage, screaming that ‘hey! That’s mine!’ But, King ignores these pleas, setting the chair down at the base of the ramp and taking a seat with D’s title.
Right as King’s butt hits the metal, TK FUMES! TK storms out of BDE’s corner in his best Vince McMahon ripped hamstrings walk, and pushes his way around the ring!
"Ooh, big boy, there you are! What? poking your face into one match tonight wasn't enough for you?" Isaiah taunts the champ as he leans down to touch the Xtreme title much to B.o.B D's frustration.
"All I gotta do is knock that big doofus out like I did Corey and your lil gang will go up in flames, hm? TK’s mess getting all you Bastards dirty." Isaiah waves the wrench lazily towards B.o.B D. TK doesn't give him the satisfaction of a response, coming up to his face and glaring down at the smaller man.
"What was it you said earlier, not for free, hm? Maybe I'll make it worth your while." Isaiah stands up to face TK, inches away from the big man and his wrench hanging by his side.
D leans over the top rope, screaming at King to give that back! Bourbon is about to roll under the ropes and get involved hims-
NED GRABS BOURBON BY THE ANKLE AND PULLS HIM UNDER THE BOTTOM ROPE! He grabs Bourbon’s face! DRIVING A KNEE STRAIGHT TO HIS SKULL! Bourbon flops on his back, and Ned mounts him, delivering punch after punch to keep Bourbon busy!
…Leaving juuuuuuuust Flynn and D in the ring.
Flynn limps back onto one foot as D howls, proclaiming himself a champion of B.o.B., you hear me! No one messes with the D! Not anymore! Not now that I ha-
D turns around to point at Bourbon, his back-up.
…Buuuuuuuut, all he sees is Flynn.
…
…D tries to scramble between the ropes! Pnaicked!
BUT FLYNN LATCHES ONTO HIS ARM!
AND DRAGS D dead-center of the ring!
Locking iiiiiiiiiin…
THE FUJIWARA ARMBAAAAAAR!
D’s arm shakes! He screams in agony!
HHL: Flynn may only have one good leg, but his arms are MADE FOR SUBMISSION!
Flynn CRANKS D’s shoulder! He’s about to get the X-Treme Title back…
TK refuses to break eye contact with King…
…But in his suit jacket’s front pocket…
He pulls out a device. And presses its button.
…
On the X-Tron… A countdown timer at 10…
IN TEN SECONDS, UNLESS MISTER KNUCKLES PRESSES HIS SWITCH AGAIN… THE PAYCOM CENTER WILL EXPLODE
…
HHL: …WHAT?!?
9…
The arena panickedly whispers, like…
8…
There’s no way TK’s that crazy right?
7…
…
Oh God, a panic starts as the arena’s customers start streaming for the exit!
6…
D’s arm shakes!
Flynn seems LASER-FOCUSED ON THE MATCH...
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE WHAT TK HAS DONE?!?
5…
HHL: There’s no way EXPLODING THE ARENA IS LEGAL!!!
4…
PIP: …Uh… X-Treme Rules? No Rules?
3…
WILL D TAP OUT!
FLYNN TWISTS! D'S EYES WIDEN! HE SCREAMS!!!!!
NEW X-TREME CHAMPION?!?!
2…
STOP! STOP THE MATCH!
Theo Pryce storms out from the black curtain!
Knuckles cooly presses the switch. The X-Tron remains on… oh god, 1…
”TK!” Theo calls out, looking furious that one of his matches has devolved into this absolute clusterfuck. ”If you think I’m going to standby and let you explode the XWF Universe, you’re insane! This match is over! By disqualification!”
PIP: …But this match is no-disqualification!
HHL: TK was about to explode a capacity arena! I think a disqualification is the least that should be done!
PIP: Agree to disagree!
WINNER (by disqualification slash SHEER NECESSITY): ‘NOTORIOUS’ NED KAYE AND MARK FLYNN
STILL X-TREME CHAMPION: B.o.B. D!!!
HHL: Incredible! Bobby and D are, in fact, the first two men in the XWF to get disqualified in a no-disqualification match!
PIP: Historically-significant! And not just because one of our wrestlers threatened to explode everyone!
The bell rings!
Because of the ring, TK takes his eyes off Isaiah just for a second, enough for the wide-eyed Isaiah to drop to his knees and slam a forearm between his legs for a crunching low blow. TK grips his groin and drops to a knee, as Isaiah slides into the ring and swings his wrench wildly towards B.o.B D.
Bobby Bourbon's arm comes out of nowhere to protect his brother, taking the full force of the wrench and yelling out in frustration. He swings his other arm out of pure adrenaline at Isaiah, only to have it caught by an instinctive Ned Kaye. Flynn takes the opportunity to hit a low drop kick on the big man, bringing him down to the mat.
It's B.o.B D's turn to yell out in frustration, as he rushes after Ned Kaye, slamming into him with a stiff clothes line and sending the peacekeeper into the mat. Isaiah's laughs out loud at the turn of events, slipping across the mat and catching D in a drop toe hold.
Flynn is quickly up on his feet, as is Bourbon, who's clutching at his arm in clear pain. TK slides into the ring behind Flynn and wraps his arm around the man's neck and drops him with a quick neckbreaker.
Ned rolls to his feet and meets D midway, as the two start slamming fists into each other in a full out brawl. Isaiah pulls Flynn up onto his feet and they stand with their backs to each other, Isaiah facing TK and Flynn facing Bourbon, both with big smiles on their faces.
"Oklahoma, are you ready to rumble!!" Isaiah steps out with a right fist at TK and Flynn throws a left at Bourbon's injured arm. The four explode into a brawl as security starts rushing down the ramp.
HHL: A match TOO EXTREME FOR EXTREME RULES!
PIP: Flynn and Kaye lock down the win, but D keeps the title!
HHL: B.o.B. may get a loss on their record, but they keep all the weapons in their armory! They still have the X-Treme title! They still have the Uni! And with TK at the helm running the show, can anyone stop the unstoppable force that is B.o.B.?!?
We see Bobby Bourbon, famous XWF Wrestler in what is obviously a pre-recorded segment for Weekend Warfare. He’s bedecked in a bright puce leotard and wearing a sea green sweatband. He’s smiling ear to ear as he looks at the camera. He raises his right hand and waves eagerly.
Hey guys.
Bobby here.
I know the question that’s been on everybody’s minds, and I am pleased to deliver that answer today.
There’s a screen wipe as we see Bobby in an airport, still dressed in the puce leotard and sea green sweatband. He’s pulling his rolling luggage, which is obsidian with a crimson handle. It’s the luggage of a Sith Lord. Fans rush up and encircle him, all holding matching headshots of Bobby out for him to sign. Bobby rolls his eyes as he smiles, then addresses the camera, ignoring the planted fans.
I get asked at every arena, in every airport, and even in Hell, so I’ll share the special secret with all of you.
There’s another screen wipe as we see Bobby now at a hot dog cart in a park. There’s a glob of mustard on the corner of his lip as he chews, his massive frame forcing him to stand outside of the cover of the umbrella signifying what kind of cart this was in the first place; an umbrella which reads “HOT DOGS”.
Even when I’m out on the town, enjoying dinner, or maybe taking a lady friend to a show, strangers often wonder aloud to me. Well, wait no longer!
The screen wipes to show Bobby in his Dojo, surrounded by people all wearing matching puce leotards and sea green sweatbands. Thunder Knuckles stands beside him on his left, B.O.B. D on his right, both in puce leotards and sea green sweatbands.
People always ask, Bobby, how do you guys in B.O.B. have such great butts? I always kind of laugh, but the people are right, the junk in our trunks will get you sprunk. Whether you’re TK with your big ole’ dump truck with birthin’ hips, B.O.B. D who’s taught rump is like the dot of an exclamation point, or if you’re just a good old juicy southern boy like me, we know our asses are the most talked about in the industry today!
TK and D start doing basic aerobics.
That’s why we’re proud to bring you Glutes by Galoots. Each and every member of B.O.B. is a bonafide hoss, even Crash, the Mustang, or even Dolly, Queen Hoss herself. Our natural state as being galootish in stature means we need a special regiment to give us those tight, firm buttocks that will turn heads at the beach and make carrying groceries easier!
That’s right, for five easy installments of $49.95, we will ship directly to you the way members of B.O.B. have worked out since day one, and don’t take my word for it.
The slim, trim Barney Green walks in, absolutely rocking a puce leotard and a sea green sweatband, his fine cakes jiggling and wiggling behind him like they were shaking maracas.
My ass looks awesome, Bobby.
Barney’s ass looks great, and so can you!
Call today, and we’ll throw in a free meal planning kit, so you know what to feed that donkey so it gets big and plump, ready for punishment like an ultra sturdy pinata!
That’s right, five easy, low payments of under fifty dollars a month, and you get not only the meal planning kit, but the entire seventeen DVD set of Glutes by Galoots, showing you how to train your ass off, then back on! Week one is the introduction. Week two is more introduction. Week three is cool down. Week four is more introduction. Week five is when you start the intermediate level of training, and the intensity increases until it’s time to upgrade to Glutes by Galoots PLUS!
That’s right, for an additional $49.95 a month, we’ll also send you Glutes by Galoots PLUS, the expanded regimen for making yours the cheeks that clap back! This is the most intensely scientific work-out on the planet for your backside, guaranteed to turn everybody at the bowling alley, or the store, or wherever you go from clean and sober to absolute plumber’s crack addicts. Your ass will be so marvelous it can’t be ignored, and that’s all brought to you by the most advanced ass workout in history..
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Bobby pauses, catching his breath. That was a lot of intense shouting.
So call today! Have an ass like a Bastard!
Dial 1-800-BASTARD today!
The arena is dimmed, with only the X-tron shining bright as Bulk Logan's theme echoes throughout the arena. A deafening mix of boos and jeers echo throughout the venue, with signs reading:
"Stay Cancelled, Bulk!"
and
"We Don't Forget!"
prominently displayed among the audience.
Finally, Bulk Logan emerges from the back.
Despite the overwhelmingly negative reception, he saunters out confidently with a smirk.
He takes a moment to absorb the boos, seemingly enjoying every bit of it. With deliberate slowness, he points to a few signs in the crowd, mockingly feigning hurt or wiping away a "tear".
As he walks down the ramp, he engages with the crowd, not in a friendly manner but by puffing his chest, taunting them, and flexing his "muscles" in a defiant manner.
Upon reaching the ring, Bulk takes his sweet time.
He walks around the perimeter, making eye contact with as many fans as possible, ensuring they see his amusement at their anger.
After what feels like an eternity, he slowly climbs the steps and enters the ring.
Once inside, he raises his arms, inviting more boos from the audience, absorbing their energy like a sponge.
He then takes his corner.
The lights dim as multiple spotlights rotate throughout the arena. As "Leaving Dionysus" begins to play, the spotlights all point to the stage, illuminating a velvet red curtain. At the moment the guitars begin to play, the curtain is drawn open, revealing the imposing figure of Dionysus, holding a Thyrsus in his right hand and a shield on his left arm. He clashes the staff against his shield to rouse the crowd to clap with him, then roars, raising the Thyrsus above his head.
You never had the right,
Removing me from paradise.
Your path removed the light,
Rendering me colour-blind.
But now I’ll speak,
Since I’ve become my own again,
And now I’ll leave,
Since I’ve become my own, again.
"Making his way to the ring, from Minneapolis MN, weighing in at 270 lbs; he is the Lord of the Vine, DIONYSUS!"
Dionysus sets the Thyrsus and shield next to the ring apron and rolls inside, handing the Television Championship belt to the referee. The referee folds the straps behind the plate, and holds it up for the camera to see, then turns, showing it to the entire crowd. Dio takes perch on the second turnbuckle, then hops down and sees Bulk Logan pointing at him!
HHL: What a main event we have for you tonight, wouldn’t you say Pip?
PIP: Heather, Dionysus looks to continue his run as Television Champion here tonight and he’s defending against the returning Bulk Logan!
HHL: He could have stayed gone.
The referee calls for the bell as we see the three other faces of Dio ringside. Bulk’s eyes dart from Dio, to Daniel, to Devin, to Wide Dio, and back to Dio. Dio smugly smirks and both he and Bulk start to circle one another. Dio and Bulk tie up! Bulk swiftly transitions into a side headlock! Bulk wrenches the headlock on Dio! Dio pushes off, and Bulk is off the ropes and back into Dio with a shoulder block! Both men bounce off of one another, step back, and glare at one another!
PIP: Bulk just bounced off of Dio!
HHL: This is the biggest match Bulk has had in over a decade, Pip, he’d probably bounce off of a stack of empty boxes!
Bulk and Dio again go for a tie up, but this time Dio gets the side headlock in! He quickly transitions to a rear waistlock, then lifts Bulk and puts him down with a takedown! Bulk is prone, and Dio swivels and puts in an armbar! Bulk pivots the hips, and rotates, setting in a side headlock! Dio grabs Bulk’s wrist, and pulls out of the headlock! Dio remounts, and sets in the armbar! Bulk again counters into a headlock, both men rolling from armbar to headlock, until both release one another and get to a knee! Both men stand, and Bulk sticks out his hand to shake! Dio goes to shake! Bulk with a cheap kick to Dio! Bulk steps in and starts biting Dio’s forehead!
HHL: Of all the shitty tactics to pull, Pip!
PIP: Bulk Logan is a cagey and wily veteran, Pip, for sure!
Dio with a shot to Bulk to break the bite! Dio with another shot to Bulk’s ribs! Bulk backs up, and Dio runs in with a clothesline, sending him over the top rope! Outside, Wide Dio picks Bulk up, and Daniel gets in there with a back chop! Devin rolls Bulk back into the ring! Dio is quick with a pin!
1…
2…
Bulk kicks out with authority at two! Dio runs his hands through his hair and sets in another arm bar, torquing on the shoulder of Bulk! Bulk gets to his knees, still stuck in the armbar! Bulk grabs the rope, and the referee forces the hold to break! Dio lets go, and Bulk pulls himself to a vertical base quickly! As Dio stands, Bulk kicks Dio in the face! Dio recoils and Bulk grabs Dio, lifting him to a standing position! Bulk hoists Dio for a scoop slam, and tosses him out of the ring!
PIP: Big power move from Bulk Logan there!
HHL: Yeah, but what are the faces of Dio going to do!
Daniel, Devin, and Wide Dio all swoop in and start throwing the boots to Dio on the ground! Daniel and Devin lift Dio up and roll him back into the ring battered! Bulk with a pin!
1…
2…
Dio barely kicks out!
HHL: That was vicious! Those three other Dionysus, um, clones? Yeah, clones just beat up Dionysus!
PIP: This is uglier than the special effects for Multiplicity!
HHL: Of what?
PIP: It was a movie where Michael Keaton played himself and three clones of himself!
Bulk is arguing the call with the referee. Bulk brings Dio to a standing position and back him into a corner!
Huge back chop from Bulk!
Bulk climbs up, and starts throwing fists down onto Dio!
1!
2!
3!
4!
5!
6!
7!
8!
9!
Dio blocks the tenth punch! He grabs Bulk and marches out of the corner, hitting a big spinebuster! Both men are laid out! Dio slowly gets to his feet, as does Bulk! Dio with a big right to Bulk! No! Bulk counters with a thumb to the eye as the referee was distracted thinking Wide Dio was the legal Dio for a minute! Bulk with a roll up!
1…
2…
KICKOUT BY DIO!
Dionysus kicks out so hard, Bulk gets smacked towards the top rope! Dionysus, in a flash of offensive fury, KIPS RIGHT BACK UP OFF THE MAT ONTO HIS FEET!
Dionysus charges Bulk…
And Bulk slips between the ropes, looking to avoid a beatdown!
Dion looks down outside the ring as the official starts a count!
Logan smiles, wagging his finger like ‘ah ah ah’!
…Dion smiles.
HHL: I think Logan might’ve forgotten what kind of match this is!
…Logan sneers, wondering what his opponent is so happy about…
…
As it slowly dawns on him… That he is surrounded on all sides…
By the Many Faces of Dionysus!
…Bulk pulls at his non-existent collar, lifting his hands, these guys seem reasonable, maybe they want a selfie with the Bulkster? For the gram?
NO! The three Dion clones all fall upon Bulk with hammering blows! Axe handle to the top of the Bulkster’s big bald dome! Logan is pressed against the apron!
Dionysus whistles! And immediately, the three clones cease their attacks, rolling Logan under the bottom rope!
Bulk, taking a fresh three-on-one beating, rushes out of the clones’ grasps… RIGHT INTO THE ARMS OF THE TELEVISION CHAMPION! WHO TEARS OFF AN EXPLODER SUPLEX!
HHL: Dion-mania is running wild tonight on Bulk!
PIP: THAT’S TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT, HALLIWELL! Bulk will sue you and I will TESTIFY AGAINST YOU!
Dionysus drags his thumb across his throat, as Bulk Logan exhaustedly scrambles to his feet... Dionysus grabs the Bulkster by the arm and SNAPS HIM DOWN TOWARD THE MAT! CROSSFACE!
Dionysus locks in the crossface submission on Bulk Logan, pulling back with all his might. The crowd is buzzing, sensing a possible submission.
HHL: "This could be it! Bulk Logan's trapped in that devastating crossface! He might have no choice but to tap out!"
PIP: "C'mon, Bulk! You can't let it end like this! Not with all these Bulk-a-maniacs watching!"
In a show of immense strength, Logan starts to power up, fists clenching, veins bulging. Slowly, he gets on one knee, then stands upright with Dionysus still clinging to his back, pulling at the crossface. The crowd goes wild at the sight of this herculean feat.
HHL: "I've never seen anything like this before! The sheer strength of Bulk Logan!"
PIP: "There ain’t no stopping the Bulkster once he starts Bulking up!"
With Dionysus still latched onto his back, Logan starts marching around the ring. As he nears the ropes, Bulk reaches into his tights and pulls out a set of brass knuckles, unbeknownst to the official.
HHL: "What's that in his hand, PIP?!"
PIP: "Looks like... uh, a token of good luck? Everyone needs a charm, HHL!"
Suddenly, with a quick movement, Logan smashes Dionysus in the face with the brass knuckles. The impact sends Dionysus sprawling to the mat. The official checks on Dionysus, who seems out old as Bulk tosses the knucks into the crowd.
HHL: "I can't believe what I just saw! Bulk Logan just used a foreign object!"
PIP: "No, no, HHL! It's just the raw power of Bulk Logan! Sometimes, when you're that strong, it feels like getting hit with a weapon!"
With Dionysus motionless, Logan cups his ear as the crowd boos. He then hits the ropes and struts in with THE LEG DROP OF GLOOM!
The Bulkster goes for the pin. The official, still oblivious to Bulk's shenanigans, starts the count.
PIP: "What matters, is that Bulk Logan is victorious! Sometimes, heroes have to make hard decisions, and Bulk did just that tonight. He's the champion we all need!"
HHL: "There's a fine line between hero and villain, PIP. And after tonight, I'm not sure on which side Bulk Logan stands."
As Dionysus starts to come to, holding his head in pain, Bulk Logan is handed the TV Championship. But instead of celebrating right away, Logan stands there for a moment, locking eyes with a dazed Dionysus.
HHL: "Look at Bulk, that's not the face of a triumphant champion, something's off here."
PIP: "Maybe he's just absorbing the moment, Heather."
Instead of offering a hand or giving Dionysus space, Logan suddenly charges and delivers a vicious boot to Dionysus’s face, sending him tumbling through the ropes and crashing outside the ring!
HHL: "Oh, come on! He's already won the match! Why? WHY?!"
PIP: "You know, Heather, champions send messages. And I think Bulk Logan just sent a very clear message to everyone in the XWF: This is his ring now."
Bulk Logan then proceeds to the center of the ring, holding up the TV Championship, taking in the mixed reaction of the crowd, a mixture of cheers and loud boos. He doesn't seem to care as he flexes and postures.
HHL: "Dionysus fought with honor and dignity, and this is how Bulk repays him? By stealing his championship and kicking him out of the ring?"
PIP: "All's fair in love and wrestling, Heather. Welcome to the era of Bulkamania!"
Just when you thought Warfare was over the lights go out and the X-tron fires up.
When the lights back come up both sides of the entrance ramp are lined with twenty midgets. Those midgets are holding sparklers in both hands as high as their little arms can reach. A wide smile adorns Thunder Knuckles' face, and he bobbles his head back and forth to the music as he walks out with his Universal Championship proudly on display around his waist. His walking past the midgets ignites the sparkers. The moment Thunder Knuckles reaches the ring, he rolls under the bottom rope and pops up. In defiance, he raises his right fist with his back turned to the camera. In response to Thunder's fist raising, counterfeit XBUX bearing Thunder Knuckles' smug face falls into the crowd.
HHL: Great haven’t we seen enough of this guy tonight?
PC: What do you mean? He’s the best part of this… No… Any show!
HHL: Give it a rest Pip.
Standing in the middle of the ring TK motions for a microphone. Tig Ol’ Bitties seems reluctant to give him the mic. The lip reader at home knows that TK just called her Noah Jackson’s favorite word. She looks upset but she hands him the microphone. That’s when you can faintly hear TK speak.
About goddamn time!
TK places the microphone up toward his mouth.
Bastards and Bastardettes, welcome to the new Universe!
A mixture of boos and cheers fills the arena.
That’s right, ‘Ol Thunder Knuckles walked into Relentless and proved why you should never fucking doubt him!
A low chant can be heard. Not many people are doing it but the smart marks are having some fun.
**“OOOOOOOOOH, TK IS MONEY.”**
This puts a smile on TK’s face.
Goddamn right, I am! In fact, I have a little treat for each and every-fucking-one of you tonight. I will be defending my Universal Championship on Spooky Savage! That’s right! Savage is back! You know I wouldn’t miss that shit for the world. However, that’s not the big surprise. Nope, huh-uh, as Universal Champion I refuse to go down as a fake as fuck champion. You know, like the last… Oh, I don’t know, twelve Universal Champions, or some shit. My first defense will be HERE! TONIGHT! Against a fucking LEGEND! NO! AN XTREME GOD!
HHL: You have to be shitting me!
PC: Watch your mouth, Heather. This is the greatest day in XWF history!
HHL: He’s banned from this company! How can Thunder Knuckles do this?
PC: He’s the Universal Champion! He can do whatever he wants!
Hailing from El Destierro, Mexico! The ONE, the ONLY, Pedro GILMOURo!
The lights in the arena dim, then go to full black. We then hear the eerie sounds of a bell being tolled and then an explosion of fire emitting from the entrance ramp. The beginning of DADDYS FALLEN ANGEL by IN THIS MOMENT begins as the heavy guitar riffs kick in and red strobes dance around the stage. As soon as the verse kicks in, we see a lean athlete in a luchador mask with long brown hair running down his back. We see a familiar succubus appear behind him, his main madame of malady and mayhem, Valerie Sky come out to the ramp. They smile at each other before going down the ramp hand in hand. The masked luchador bobs his head to the song. They get in the ring together and he gets on the turnbuckle and throws up an "X" sign as pyro goes off above the ring. The luchador hops down and kisses Valerie. They wink and smile sadistically towards each other and then, Valerie Sky the dark demonic, demented diva of destruction exits the ring and walks back to hell through a portal tha appears from nowhere, leaving the luchador to his own devices.
The bell is rung exactly one time, and then TK's bell gets rung in super short order! The familiar looking, brown-haired luchador snaps into a frenzy as he charges out of his corner, delivering a flying Superman Punch to TK out of nowhere. TK, clearly not expecting such fierce competition, is pushed back into his turnbuckle with great force.
PC: "This mysterious luchador has come out of the Gates firing on all fronts! That gorgeous man with brown hair is acting like he's been in this match a thousand times before, these lights aren't too bright for him after all!"
HHL: "They always say act like you've been here before, and Pedro is definitely doing that!"
Pedro slaps TK before climbing the ropes in front of him. Pedro gets onto the second set of ropes while TK is still dazed in the corner. Pedro yells out something crude to the crowd while positioning his groin in front of TK's face.
PG: "SUCK MY SUPER DICK!"
TK: "No fuckin way!"
Pedro grabs TK by the head and tries to thrust it into his face, but the universal champion is too biphobic to ever allow such an action. TK instead slides out from beneath Pedro, ducking under his impressive thigh gap as he makes a hasty exit from the corner. Pedro has to rebalance himself on the ropes, but eventually, he is able to get up to the top and turn around, now facing the ring.
PC: "I guess cockfighting really is an old Mexican tradition!"
HHL: "I'm starting to think this luchador might not be Mexican after all! He might just be a SUPER DICK!"
Pedro prepares to dive off the top rope at TK, but before he can launch TK is already back at the turnbuckle, climbing up it himself. The Universal champ punches Pedro in the gut as he positions himself on the top rope next to the challenger. A few awkward seconds go by as the men get into position, but then, they leave the safety of the ropes altogether as TK pulls off a ring-shaking Superplex! The crowd goes nuts!
HHL: "What a suplex from the top rope! That right there is pure wrestling excellence on display from the champion!"
The men slam against the mat furiously, each landing harshly on the canvas. After taking a short breather and blinking his eyes a couple of times, TK eventually climbs atop Pedro for the cover.
1!
2!!
Kickout!!!!
Pedro gets a shoulder up just in time! TK looks more annoyed than mad as he rolls his eyes and shrugs. TK grabs the luchador by his long brown hair, forcing him to his feet. As Pedro stands before TK groggy and aloof, the champion decides to hit the ropes. TK's back slams into the ropes before he's propelled back to Pedro with great force- but whatever TK was planning doesn't work, because he eats a big boot right to the face, knocking him to the ground!
The crowd gasps in shock as Pedro turns the tables on the Champ, but Pedro wastes no time following up the surprise counter. Pedro hits the ropes himself before coming back and landing a big leg drop onto the universal champion. TK coughs and hacks up a lung as Pedro's leg slams right down onto his chest. Pedro then makes the cover on TK.
1!
Kickout!
PC: "It's going to take a lot more than a leg drop to keep TK down! That Bastard went through hell to win his championship, he won't let it go so easy!"
Pedro picks TK up and, seemingly out of nowhere, he hits him with a very obvious low-blow followed by a GILMOURO CUTTER! TK looks to be KOed as the MEXICAN referee drops to the ground, and starts counting an incredibly fast pinfall!
PC: "Wait a second, what's going on here?! Are they trying to fuck on TK?!?!"
1
2
3! Wait, no!
TK somehow got a shoulder up before the fast count! Pedro and the Mexican referee both look at each other with a mix of shock and horror. Shock that their cheap tricks didn't work, and horror at what TK was about to unleash on them.
TK sits up like the Undertaker as his eyes roll back in his skull. The camera zooms in, and we can see Xbux on the back of TK's eyes for a brief second before he rises to a standing position.
HHL: "They have really gone and upset the universal champion now!"
TK stares daggers into the soul of Pedro, causing the luchador to raise his hands begging for mercy. TK swats the challenger's hands away before grabbing him by the scruff of his neck. TK then delivers a nasty DDT to Pedro that seemingly breaks his neck upon impact.
Pedro cries out in pained anguish as his bones snap.
PC: "I've never seen a DDT do so much damage before in my life- and I've seen people do DDTs into alligator pits and scat pools!"
Pedro sits up as he screams in horror, his head clearly sitting on his neck all sorts of tucked up. The Mexican referee looks like he's about to throw up from the visual. That's when a smug TK smiles, and then he hits the ropes again.
As Pedro screams about his broken neck from a seated position, TK comes charging right back at him while screaming "Suck MY super dick!". That's when TK hits the OPEN WIDE, a running pelvic thrust to the opponent's face!
HHL: "TK, show mercy! You've broken this man's neck and now you've broken his pride! You have proven yourself as the champion with this dominant defense, you don't need to do any more damage to this brown haired sex icon! He might have a family for chrissakes!"
TK then stands up casually. He grabs Pedro's ankle, as if he's about to do another big move: the Thunder Strike. But instead of hitting the foot DDT, TK just stands there, toying with the crowd as they beg to see their favorite move.
PC: "Do you hear this crowd, Heather?! They're begging for a Thunder Strike!"
TK smiles as he plays with the fans for a few more seconds. Then, while still holding onto Pedro's leg, TK places a foot on the luchador's stomach. With Pedro's shoulders against the mat, the ref has no choice but to drop down and count the fall.
1!
2!!
3!!!!
WINNER AND STILL XWF UNIVERSAL CHAMPION - THUNDER KNUCKLES
After the bell, TK helps Pedro up. TK grabs Pedro Gilmouro’s hand with his right hand and holds it up. With his left hand, he points to Pedro. The crowd is booing which brings back memories to Gilmouro. In his excitement, Gilmouro starts to take off his mask.
HHL: Someone better stop this!
PC: No! Go for the gold!
TK’s eyes go wide. The lip readers at home see TK say, “No! Stop!” Just as the mask comes up to Pedro’s nose the lights go out and the camera feed cuts out.
Big Thanks To The Following Match and Segment Writers:
Thunder Knuckles
Bulk Logan
Bobby Bourbon
Peter Principle
Liam Desmond
Latina Submission Machina
Why did you trick me into watching a video about automotive recalls?
Why?
Don't do that again.
I watched some very humble retrospective, then, wha-BAM, I'm nailed with an immediate followup video about an automotive recall! Do you think you're funny?
Well I'm not laughing.
The following 1 user Likes Prof. Bobby Bourbon's post:1 user Likes Prof. Bobby Bourbon's post Theo Pryce (10-09-2023)
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