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B.O.B. D · (09-29-2023)

Current Xtreme Champion, B.O.B. D sits with his partner and fellow member of B.O.B., Bobby Bourbon, in an average diner; Xtreme Title in a chair beside them as if it were one of the team. Bobby glances around.

BB: “You know, sometimes it feels good to get back to basics.”

D nods in agreement.

D: “Absolutely. I just hope nobody tries to pin me while we eat!”

BB: “That’s about as likely as D’Ville appearing on Warfare again this year.”

D: “What?”

Bobby swiftly shakes his head, and stares out the window, almost as though he’s looking for everything he’d lost.

BB: "Look, D, I'm sorry man. I really am. We just lose to Mark Flynn in tag matches, though."

"One on one, I got him. No problem. Splat splat flat."

"Three on threesy, we got him, easy peasy lemon squeezy."

"But real tag team wrestling, fuck it, that guy is an absolute tactical genius in every sense of the word. We're fucked. Hard fucked."

D: “Don’t be like that. I'm trying to have an ACTUAL Title run, for once, and need you at the top of your game!"

A waitress approaches Bobby and D’s table.

Waitress: “What can I start y’all with?”

BB: “Coffee, black.”

Waitress: “You want cream or sugar?”

BB: “No, black.”

Waitress: “Okay, and you?”

D: “I'll have an orange juice, light on the pulp."

The waitress walks away, Bobby rolls his eyes.

BB: “I said black, how dumb..”

D: “You’re in a grumpy mood, usually you’re not that critical of people who bring you food.”

BB: “I’m better grumpy.”

"D, to counter the obvious kinship Ned and Mark have, we have to come up with something new."

"I know you're not TK."

"I know you're not Charlie."

"I know you're not Dolly."

"I know you're not Barney.."

D: "Are you going to tell me you know I'm not any other member of BOB?"

BB: "Way more slowly but yes. Look, Mark has been closer to Ned than you two ever were. Mark is Ned's crutch right now, D. These guys have been doing promos together all summer long, and I would know, I've fought these guys all year long and I guess the fans want more blood. We were there, D, on the bloodiest day in XWF history, Relentless Night 3 2023, where as an entire locker room we set a record for stitches, staples, and sutures accrued by a single wrestling show, and damn, kudos to those boys in Madness for throwing down too."

D: "Some of us won!"

Bobby gets up from the diner table he and D are seated at, leaving his space undisturbed. Bobby then flips another table over and returns to his seat.

BB: "No one likes a smartass."

A waitress shouts, justly, at Bobby for his tantrum.

Waitress: "Hey, you can't do that!"

BB: "We're leaving."

Bobby points at D.

BB: "You're paying, mister fancy champion."

The manager walks out to inspect the damage.

Manager: “Hey, you’re banned!”

BB: “Ooh, ah, I bet the eggs benedict suck anyway.”

Bobby leaves, and D looks, confusedly, at the manager whilst in the middle of pulling money out of his wallet.

Manager: “I said get out!”

D rushes out of the diner, momentarily turning back to grab his Xtreme Championship, before exiting and catching up with Bobby outside.

D: “What. The Hell. Was that about?”

BB: “That doesn’t matter. Look, we need to go cut the tags off of mattresses.”

D: “What? Why?”

BB: “Because we buy used mattresses from hotels as they dispose of them but some of them don’t have tags, so we can’t resell them.”

D: “Used mattresses? You want to sell used mattresses now instead of focusing on our match?”

BB: “No, I need to sell used mattresses now because my stock took a hit. It went down a whole cent.”

D comes to a realization.

D: “You’re hangry.”

BB: “I get that way.”

D: “Well, that’s not a bad thing. You gotta be hungry in wrestling, man? When’s the last time you weren’t hungry?"

Bobby shrugs.

BB: “I dunno. I’m starving now. I shouldn’t have flipped that table.”

D: “You could always go apologize. I actually heard good things about the eggs benedict……..”

BB: “Nah, we need to leave before the police show up, I don’t want that kind of hassle right now. C’mon.”

Bobby leads D over to their limousine. D opens the back door, prepared to enter, but Bobby clears his throat.

BB: “Nah, man, you’re riding shotgun.”

D: “But…….. it's a limo."

BB: “Yeah, we don’t have a driver, so I’m driving, you’re really going to hot shot me by sitting in the back?”

D: “Why don’t we have a driver?”

BB: “Look, don’t ask me about details, I’m a big picture guy. We got a limo, right?”

D: “Technically, yes……."

BB: “Cool, let’s go.”

Bobby gets into the driver’s seat as D longingly stares at the back door for a moment, before giving in and climbing into the passenger side up front. Both men leave, and as they do, two police cars arrive at the diner. Bobby and D drive off.

BB: “Google where the nearest mattress store is, and I think I have scissors in the glove box.”

D: “Bobby, we can do better than cutting tags off of mattresses."

BB: “I know. It’s why we’re headed to the airport.”

D: “The airport? But what about the mattresses?"

BB: “You’ll see.”

B.O.B. D seems a little apprehensive, at first, but eventually leans back to relax.

After a drive, Bobby and D find themselves driving past the arrivals section of an airport. Bobby’s eyes survey those who are waiting, until his eyes go wide and he pulls in to park. A man enters, opening the door himself, and speaks.

MAN: "It’s about time you got here, get me to the expo center immediately!"

D looks perplexed as Bobby grins.

BB: "Yessir!"

Bobby rolls up the divider between he and D, and the passenger.

D: “Uhhhhhh, he didn’t even see if we were there to drive him.”

BB: “Exactly.”

D steps out and opens the door for the man, who enters without question and without looking up from his phone. D gets back into the passenger side of the limo.

D: “Wow. Kidnapping is easy.”

BB: “Pretty much, yeah.”

Bobby pulls away from the airport with D. They discuss their match further.

“So, look, you’re the Xtreme Champion, you’ve got a lot to prove here, this is Ned, who has stated, I’m not evil, ergo, that kidnapping is the lord’s work.”

D: “Is that how that works?”

BB: “Why not?”

“Look, I’ve been fighting Ned and Mark all year long, they’re dangerous together.”

D: “We’re MORE dangerous. Ned has morals, a metaphorical line he wouldn't dare dip a pinky toe past. That instantly gives us a leg up on him. I can't say the same about Mark but, considering he was too stupid to give up the Xtreme Title admirably when he had the chance, I ain't too worried."

D grips his Championship a little tighter as he says that, eyeing the divider between them and their hostage(if you can even call him that, afterall, he climbed into THEIR car!)

"Though, I gotta admit, I ain't a fan of riding around with a potential Title challenger."

Bobby points a thumb towards the back.

BB: "You're worried about an orthodontist? You literally went to hell and back with John Black, I'd be more afraid of what lies ahead."

D: "You're THAT worried about Flynn, huh?"

BB: "What part of 'we lose in tag matches to Mark Flynn' don't you get?!"

B.O.B. D sits in silence for a moment.

D: "I mean………….. I'VVVVVVVE never lost to Mark Flynn in a Tag match……….."

Bobby's grip on the wheel tightens to the point he's digging into the padding.

BB: "You're playing a dangerous game, D."

D: "Don't flip another table, man! I'm just sayin', YOU'RE the one sitting here writing us off before we've even stepped into the ring! I get it, I'm NOT Dolly, Barney, or TK, but TK wasn't even TK until he finally hit his stride; and look at him now!"

D proudly pats his Title as he continues.

"This is MY stride, Bobby, and I ain't gonna let Mark, or Ned, or your doubt slow me down!"

Bourbon's grip penetrates the padding and begins bending the metal underneath.

"I say that with love! Seriously, do you know how many people have told me you're a national treasure? B.O.B. or not, people respect you, and aren't gonna let a few losses skewer that opinion. I know I'M not!"

Having his ego felated causes Bobby to loosen his grip a bit.

"Look, if I wanted to, I could ask you to lay down for the team, take the L, and give me a successful Title defense. Hell, the way your attitudes been, why wouldn't I?! Afterall, we've already lost, right?"

At this point, Bobby's forced to drive with his hands at 9 and 3, as D's words caused him to destroy 10 and 2.

BB: "The better be a point to this."

D: "The point IS: I believe in Bobby Bourbon. I don't care if you and other combinations of people didn't beat Mark Flynn, like you said, I'm NOT them. B.O.B.by D is 0-0 and, come Warfare, we're gonna be 1-0! In case you've forgotten, you're teaming with the man who pinned Mark Flynn 1, 2, 3 inside an XWF ring for the Xtreme Championship!"

Bobby goes to call his partner out on the technicality of his Title win, but D just talks over him.

D: "MARK FLYNN MAY BE GOOD, but he ain't B.O.B.! Though he could be by the way he brutalized that poor, brainwashed, North Korean. I don't even think WE would go that low."

BB: "We would."

D: "Well, okay then; him and Ned aren't so innocent afterall! I saw the 'Indy Darling' interfere in Mark's match, not exactly what I'd call a role model. I mean, we're pieces of shit, too, but we also don't pretend like we're not! You said it yourself, we would do something THEY did, not the other way around! If you ask me, Ned and Mark are setting the standard for new lows. Not only did they cheat at Relentless, they disrespected an entire culture! The fact they haven't been canceled, or nuked, absolutely blows my mind!"

BB: "If Flynn got canceled, we wouldn't have to wrestle him."

D: "It doesn't matter that we DO! I've pinned Mark. You've pinned Ned. Now, I ain't no mathematician, but even I can add that together and figure out that equals a win!"

BB: "He kicked out of the Bobby Bomb, D."

D: "And you STILL won! Do you know how many people have kicked out of the Dan Slam?"

BB: "Everyone?"

D: "Just about! And do you know what I did? I Dan Slammed 'em again! And again! And aGAIN!!! Nobody remembers the first time someone kicked out of your finisher, they remember your accomplishments. You've done more than Ned. I'VE done more than Ned. I don't care what a God damn popularity contest of a Top 50 says, Ned isn't better than me. He was the Marty Jannetty of the team, and I tossed his ass through the first barbershop window I could once I finally figured that out! Sure, I did it gently, but I had to make sure I didn't burn any bridges in the off chance Ned became Universal Champion someday. And he would've, too, had he just taken my advice and cashed in on Engy after a hard fought battle!"

BB: "He still would've found a way to fuck that up."

Bobby was starting to get his confidence back.

D: "Oh, no doubt! He'd probably help his opponent up, or give him a senzu bean, just to be honorable about it. The more I think about it, him and Flynn are meant for each other. Ned's honor prevented him from becoming a World Champion, and Mark's cost him the Xtreme Championship in the most humiliating way."

BB: "You gave Mark a choice."

D: "I gave. Mark. A choice! I made sure the whole world knew, when I tried pinning him backstage, that if he didn't kick out, it was his decision. I gave him an easy out. But, just like Ned, he thought the honorable way was the right way. And where did it get them?"

D slaps the plate of his Championship a little harder than before.

D: "And where did it get ME?! As soon as I turned to the darkside, I became an entity larger than Big D ever could've hoped to be! I failed as a Champion. I failed as a hero. As B.O.B., I can do anything. I'm already a singles Champion, but I still have a Tag Team Title shot in my back pocket that I don't plan on wasting again!"

BB: "Did you really believe Ned could beat Sarah Lacklan?"

D(shrugging): "Not really……….. I was kinda hoping he'd pin Kenzi while I distracted Lacklan with some lesbian porn."

BB: "And what happened?"

D: "I forgot the porn…….."

D, deciding to throw his former partner under the bus some more, began coughing before completely changing his tone.

D: "I mean………. NED forgot it!"

BB: "He could've at least made the save."

D: "Oh, that goes without saying! Doesn't seem to have a problem watching Mark's back, though! Can't say I blame him for leeching off of a veteran until something better came around. Apex. Avalanche. Mark. You could almost call Ned the community bike, except you don't actually get anything out of ridin' him."

BB: "More like a sidecar."

D: "Pulled along by something stronger than him?"

BB: "Exactly."

D and Bobby share in a laugh as the divider between them and their captive rolls down.

MAN: "This isn't the way to the expo center!"

Bobby looks at D with a maniacal grin before going back into driver mode, addressing the passenger's concern.

BB: "We're taking the scenic route."

To Be Continued……….

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