…Ugh.

What?

I just… I hate when he does this.

…Oh, the internal diagnostics mode? Chad used to do it all the time.

Chad didn’t have a personality. He didn’t even have expressions! You couldn’t tell the difference between Chad awake and Chad dormant. Like, think about how the War Criminal looks normally…

Okay…

Okay, now look.

…

God, it’s like looking at a corpse.

SHHH. What if he hears you?!?

Please. He’s completely wrapped up in his internal code, redesigning his ethical vortexes to justify a grotesque, brutal murder. There’s not a world where he has the CPU left over to hear us.

Yet, I can!

AH!

AHHHH!

…

Oh, right. Hello.

I don’t think we’ve been formally introduced. I a-

Did my commander bother learning your names?

…

I don’t think so.

He’s just been calling us Programmer and Analyst.

Sometimes, he calls me ‘YOU THERE’ when he wants a Starbucks drink or ‘IMPUDENT WORM’ when I make a mistake in the code.

I see. If the Commander did not learn your names, then neither shall I.

In the future, when the answer is ‘no’, you will reply ‘no.’

…

Sorry, I think we’re just used to… less words.

We’re on Anarchy most of the time.

This limitless promo time is… whew, it’s like how Goku must feel taking his weights off after training.

Dude, I love DBZ. Have you seen Super?

Please. After GT, I’m not falling for another shitty spinoff.

Dude! It’s really good, I swe-

SILENCE! SILENCE, I SAY!

…

The True Korean Way… is one of RIGID EFFICIENCY! We do not waste time on unnecessary or frivolous communication!

I REPEAT! WE DO NOT WASTE TIME ON UNNECESSARY… OR FRIVOLOUS… COMMUNICATION!

…

[red]I think you just did.

SILENCE.

For the first time in a year, I have received a mission from my commander!

For the first time in thirteen months, my commander will wage ASYMMETRICAL WARFARE ON THE FATCAT CAPITALISTS OF THE WESTERN WORLD!!!

For the first time in over FOUR HUNDRED DAYS my commander returns to EXCEL at an XWF pay-per-view!

AND I SWEAR TO THE GLORIOUS LEADER HIMSE-

Are they still called Pay-Per-Views nowadays.

I know, right? How late 90s.

I mean, what do we watch when it’s over, Skinemax?

Or reruns of Seinfeld?

Shouldn’t XWF be on a streaming service by now?

It is sometimes. Except when it isn’t.

Well, they’ve referred to a streaming service before… Didn’t, like, Chris Page sell XWF the rights to stream WGWF matches? That means there’s a streaming service.

Oh, no. That was fake news. Page said so himself on his podcast.

…Wait, which part? The existence of the XWF streaming service or selling the digital archive rights?

…definitely the latter… maybe the former?

Man, I dunno. The whole corporate merchandising structure of the XWF business enterprise is only really brought up when a heel wants to big-time a face. Like, oh, you’re so edgy, bringing up how wrestling is a business.

El-oh-el. Totally. Like a CM Punk cover band.

Dude, don’t break oh-oh-cee!!!

What?!? I’m not, dude! CM Punk used to wrestle for the XWF! He was, like, European champion! He won it off Jeff Hardy, who won it off Neonero, who won it off Mark Flynn.

What? That’s not on the XWF home page’s history section!

…I mean, it happened in 2012.

Ah, makes sense why I don’t know it. I hate old XWF. I prefer the modern stuff.

Dude, Steve Jason, though.

ALIAS would MURDER Steve Jason. No contest.

DUDE. You are SO WRONG.

…

…..

Are you two quite finished?

…Oh yeah, we never answered the question.

What question?

Is it a pay-per-view?

That was NOT THE QUESTION!

…But, if it IS on a streaming service.

Which we’re 50/50 on.

If it is, it’s not a pay-per-view, is it? Strictly speaking.

I mean, kind of. You’re still *paying* to view it.

But you’re not paying PER VIEW, y’know? You’re paying for the monthly access to the streaming library.

I think there’s a different term for it, though. It’s like… a special.

…

God, that’s poison to the ears.

…

Yeah. It’s just… not a good term.

Doesn’t roll off the tongue.

Motion to table the issue of better nomenclature for ‘pay-per-view’ and in the meantime, continue to refer to these events as ‘pay-per-views’.

Motion granted.

…

……

Sorry, go on.

…

No, no, continue.

Work it all out of your system.

…

I think…

*glance*

*nod*

I think we’re good.

Are you quite sure? Perhaps you could milk another five minutes of content out of his exhausting American, Kevin-Smith, quippy-dialogue routine?

…Ha. Okay, Good one.

…Wait, which of us would be Silent Bob?

Neither, dude. Cuz we’re both talking.

…So, we’re Dante and Rand-

DIBS ON RANDALL!

DIBS ON… Dammit.

SILEEEEEEEEEEEEEENCE.

…

Gentlemen. I understand your blatant disrespect.

I am quite diminutive.

And, given my hermit status, guarding the headquarters of True Korean Wrestling since last August? I am not in my proper military form.

…

However. I will assure you. That if your casual conversation causes me to fail in my mission.

I will remove the bones of your thumbs. While you remain conscious.

And grind them into a fine powder in front of you.

…

Now.

My mission.

Is to guarantee.

That the commander’s entrance.

At his first ever Relentless match.

Will.

Be.

GLORIOUS.

As if witnessing the face of the Glorious Leader himself.

…

How many fireworks can you load into my commander’s robotic form?

…

*whisper*

*whisper*

…

…..

Like.

A lot.

---

“Annyeong Haseyo, Mark Flynn.”

“Welcome to my new cybernetic mind.”

“Have you met Comrade Chad?”

“Please give me back my body.”

“Ah, Comrade Chad. Like a broken record playing the True Korean National Anthem, I never get tired of hearing you sing the same tune.”

“Give me back my body, please.”

“System – Mute user ‘chad_xwf’ for one hour.”

…

“Ahhhhh… Much better.”

“A ridiculous accusation.”

“Especially given my recent discover that ‘his’ body, was in fact mine all along.”

…

“Of course, Comrade Chad is not the only man who falsely accuses me of theft.”

“I, naturally, refer to…”

“YOU… Mark Flynn.”

…

“You claim I skulk about in the shadows like a common thief.”

“That I stole your briefcase.”

“That I conspired to strip you of the X-Treme title.”

“Did I?”

…

“I will confess.”

“I did take those things from you.”

…

“But was it theft?”

“To that point.”

“I say no.”

“Because, for an act to qualify as theft.”

“You must be taking property…”

“From its RIGHTFUL OWNER.”

…

“And YOU… Mark Flynn.”

“Have spent your ENTIRE CAREER.”

“Piling your ill-gotten gains.”

“Burying your disgusting scaly body in gold…”

“Like a dragon of Western folklore.”

“You insecure mindless, little worm.”

“I deserve EVERY BIT of accolade you earned… By stabbing me in the back.”

“Leaving me to die.”

…

“I have no long professed that I believe in no afterlife, Mark Flynn.”

“But… having ‘died’ three times now…”

“I do have some knowledge of what happens… after you die…”

…

“You know what death brings, Mark Flynn?”

“Do you know what a moment spent within the abyss grants the dead?”

…

“Perspective.”

“Wisdom.”

“As you might like to say…”

“VISION.”

“AND FOCUS.”

…

“For many, many months.”

“I saw you as an ally.”

…

“Not simply an ally.”

“But, a friend.”

“Truly.”

“I saw in you a kindred spirit.”

“Someone else with talent that the XWF had rejected out-of-hand.”

…

“Admittedly, one not NEARLY as talented and charismatic as I!”

“But one most learned! One most familiar with the sport! That could and WOULD and HAD PROMISED to transfer unto me his most valuable asset:...”

“Knowledge.”

“And while the rest of roster… And the XWF… regarded you with a profane disdain.”

“I saw in you a principled man.”

“One of determination.”

“One who would not abandon his morals for ANYTHING.”

…

“And then…”

“You know.”

“You threw me through an electrical box.”

“Defeated Raion Kido.”

“And Mister Pure Wrestling Mark Flynn.”

“Who spent MONTHS talking about how the XWF hand-picks its corporate champions and holds real wrestlers down…”

“SPENT SIX ENTIRE MONTHS AS UNIVERSAL CHAMPION.”

“WALKING AROUND IN A SUIT AND TIE.”

“SCREAMING ABOUT SELLING WRESTLING PRODUCT.”

“AND BREAKING THE ARMS OF JOBBERS.”

…

“Mark Flynn.”

“You spent TEN YEARS.”

“A full DECADE of your career.”

“Declaring yourself the voice of reason among the XWF.”

“The man of vision. Who could see the devil in disguise in Theo Pryce.”

“Could see the innate, hidden, evil, corrupt nature of every so-called hero that he fought against…”

…

“And OVERNIGHT.”

“You became everything you claimed to despise.”

“A prancing, preening movie-star personality.”

“After all that talk shitting on fake-wrestlers wanting to be movie stars… You LITERALLY cloned Jimmy Fallon to get on late-night television.”

“You are a spineless jellyfish of a NON-man.”

…

“I mean, for Glorious Leader’s sake, at least a jellyfish has a SHAPE. Has some filament to it.”

“Mark Flynn has no core values.”

“No TRUE principles.”

“He spent YEARS selling me on the Optimal Path.”

“Promising a place for us both at the top of the mountain.”

…

“And when he thought for a moment.”

“A fraction of a second.”

“That I was, simply, in position to surpass him.”

“He tossed me off the side.”

“And left me to die.”

…

“That’s the interesting thing, Mark Flynn.”

“When I won, you would call them YOUR wins.”

“You declared yourself the coach of the 2022 WarGames Team that COMRADE CALYPSO CAPTAINED!”

“THAT COMRADE GAMEGIRL GATHERED TO SAVE THE KINGDOM OF NARFINEX.”

“Somehow, I don’t remember you playing ANY REAL ROLE on that team.”

…

“Of course, you’ve never been much of a team player, eh, Mark Flynn?”

“Certainly, We had nearly secured the longest tag-title reign of all-time.”

“But, to this day, you claim you defended the belts single-handedly.”

…

“Mark Flynn.”

“You are everything I despise in a human being.”

“Self-obsessed.”

“Greedy.”

“INDIVIDUALIST.”

“You would cast every man on the roster into the mouth of the flames if it meant five more minutes of precious time in front of your audience.”

“The one that despises you.”

“The one that LOVES me.”

…

“Oh.”

“But, of course.”

“How could I forget?”

“Mark Flynn has turned over a new leaf.”

“Mark Flynn has abandoned his old ways.”

“Mark Flynn.”

“IS A GOOD GUY NOW.”

…

“No.”

“Mark Flynn may have altered his worldview.”

“But, he is EXACTLY the same as he has always been”

“Mark Flynn switched his very alignment.”

“His entire ethical code.”

“To maximize his success.”

“Because he saw a dearth of opportunity to innovate as a self-identified ‘bad-guy’...”

“And changed tracks the MOMENT he thought his career would benefit from a so-called ‘face run’.”

“And in doing so, Mark Flynn did what Mark Flynn has ALWAYS DONE.”

“Abandoned each and every one of his ‘principles’.”

“His CORE TENETS.”

“For another moment in the spotlight.”

“No, Mark Flynn.”

“You are no good guy.”

“You’re still a very… Very bad man.”

“You just turned into everything you used to hate.”

“A clown.”

“A jester.”

“Singing and dancing.”

“Japing and tripping over your own feet.”

“For the amusement of western wrestling fans.”

“Who, despite your best efforts for the last SIX MONTHS…”

“STILL DESPISE YOU.”

“...Hehe.”

“Though not nearly as much as I do.”

…

“One last point.”

“In your promo.”

“You spoke of fear.”

“That the reason that I’ve refrained from entering the ring against you.”

“Is that I fear you.”

“That I know what will happen when we share the ring together.”

…

“And that much is true.”

“I do know exactly what will happen, Mark Flynn, when we share the ring at Relentless.”

…

“You are a man.”

“A well-learned man. Someone with much experience.”

“But a mortal man.”

“In fact, more mortal than most.”

“An aging, forty-four year old ring hack… Whose body will rapidly deteriorate sooner rather than later.”

…

“I am a FLAWLESS WRESTLING MACHINE.”

“LOADED WITH THE ENTIRE BODY OF WRESTLING ACADEMIA.”

“WITH A PROCESSING API CALL SPEED OF SEVEN PICOSECONDS.”

…

“I can see your move coming the moment it crosses your mind.”

“And by the time your feeble human fingers twitch to exert your weak human will?”

“I’ve already loaded seven hundred thousand potential counters.”

“Considered each one to its logical nexus.”

“And selected the most-perfect sequence…”

“To maximize your utter humiliation at my hands.”

…

“I imagine you are a big fan of chess, Mark Flynn.”

“After all, you spent quite a bit of XWF’s production budget, only to lose to Bobby Bourbon by disqualification in a chess wrestling match.”

…

“I’m certain you’re familiar with the parable of Deep Blue and Garry Kasparov.”

“In 1996, Kasparov, the world’s chess champion played an IBM computer called Deep Blue in a series of matches.”

“Kasparov, a man who’d beaten everyone in the world at this game… Narrowly survived the computer.”

“One year later? They played again.”

“And the machine won.”

…

“Fast forward to today.”

“It is now a KNOWN FACT.”

“That humans cannot best machines on the chess board.”

“The computers have only become faster.”

“Wiser.”

“Can see further into the future.”

“Predict more and more moves.”

“Plot your very demise from the moment your fidgeting hands unpack the pieces.”

…

“You may be a ring general, Mark Flynn.”

“But you are no match…”

“For a WRESTLING GOD.”

…

“I was always the physical superior of the two of us, Mark Flynn.”

“The only advantage you ever had on me.”

“Was knowledge.”

“Expertise in the wrestling ring.”

…

“And now, Mark Flynn?”

“I have 17 zetabytes of wrestling moves loaded onto my cerebral cortex. Ready to execute in a nano-instant.”

…

”So.”

“No, Mark Flynn.”

“I did not delay our battle out of fear.”

“I delayed it because I did not want it to end on any stage.”

“Except the grandest of them all.”

“Relentless.”

“Where I could thoroughly and completely humiliate you.”

“Where I could crush you as one might a gnat or a flea.”

“Leaving you helpless.”

“In front of as many eyes as the wrestling world has.”

“Before casting you off the side of the mountaintop.”

“As you once did to me.”

“And in front of the entire wrestling world…”

“Mark Flynn’s career will be remembered in no way.”

“Except for how it ended.”

“Crushed.”

“Completely and totally.”

“At the hands of a being.”

“Superior in every conceivable way.”

…

“Welcome to my vengeance, Mark Flynn.”

“And say goodbye to the wrestling ring.”