OOC: So for some reason I can't get the image tags to work. You'll have to click the links to get to the pics. Sorry. 


We open inside a fancy gilded office, all dark leathers and gold trim. As the camera scans the room it finally settles on a mounted portrait of Madison Dyson shaking hands with Donald Trump.

Oh shit.

The door opens and we see Madison Dyson herself, complete with her brand spanking new body. She’s ushering Mercy into the office, who is looking like her usual horrific self.

Have a seat, ‘Merse. Have a seat! I promise this’ll only take a few minutes and then you can get back to doing whatever freakish thing it is you usually do in your free time.

Mercy takes a seat in a high backed wooden chair in front of Madison’s desk. She looks uncomfortable, but you get the sense that Mercy’s probably uncomfortable anytime she’s in the daylight and not stabbing someone.

Madison produes a file folder from her drawer and plants it atop the desk.

wHat iS THiS? Mercy asks is a halting raspy voice.

It’s that time again! Time for your quarterly employee review! Madison says jubiliantly. She tosses the folder open and peruses the contents for a moment. And unfortunately ‘Merse, I gotta say we are strictly in “needs improvement” territory.

wHy?

Madison sighs and cants her head planting on a fake smile. Look girlfriend, you’ve been doing your job. I can’t take that away from you. But you haven’t been doing it at 110%.

iT’S iMpoSSiBlE to BE oVEr 100.

Says you! She chuckles. But seriously…she takes out some grisly photos, presumably of people Mercy has killed. When mama says “give this scrub a closed casket funeral”, mama means it!

sO? I kILLed thEm ALL.

Yeah, but just look at this one for instance. She holds up one of the pictures. Mercy, SIX STAB WOUNDS? Only six?! I can remember a certain someone who wouldn’t have been satisfied with anything less than 40. I mean…Madison sighs and gestures at the pictures as though frustrated…where’s the PANACHE? The verve?! The elan?!!

wHaT’s elan?

I’m gonna need you to focus, ‘Merse. Madison splays her hands out on the desk. Talk to me, woman to woman. What’s going on? What’s got you down in the dumper wumpers?

NOtHing’S wROnG. Mercy groused.

Mercy, how long have we known each other? Madison prodded, again wearing that plastic smile. We have so much history grrrl! Running wild in the XWF. Making Corey Smith’s life miserable. You murdering me, but hey that’s water under the bridge and you already ate the 5% paycut for that. Point is, you can talk to me. Madison leans in.

Mercy remains quiet in her seat. She looks down at her gloves with the brutal carving instruments attached to the finger tips. Some of them are still crusted over with blood. Mercy sighed. I guESS i’VE jUst been FeelinG….LoNEly.

Madison pauses for a moment, and then starts to laugh hysterically. Oh, oh! That’s a good one! Hahahahahahahahaha! But after an awkward series of protracted moments in which Mercy doesn’t respond, Madison’s laughter peters out. Wait, are you fuckin’ serious?

A pause. And then, quietly, yES.

Well color me obtuse. You…lonely?! I never would have thought I’d see the day. I guess I just never saw you as a…ya know…person. Ah hem. Madison leans back in her chair primly. Well, obviously we gotta do something about this. Madison presses the button on her intercom. Send in the H.F.I.C.

HFIC?

Head in Charge. Then, wasting little time, republican provecateur and possible kiddy diddler Milo Yiannopoulos wades into the room.

Madison stands to greet him, and they both kiss the sides of each other’s cheeks without making any contact. Madison sits back down and gestures at Mercy. Mercy, this is Milo. Milo, Mercy!

Milo looks like he wants to crawl out of his skin. Oh, I’ve met Mercy before. Spoken like he’s admitting to slamming his nutsack in the toilet seat.

Milo, Mercy needs the kind of help that only your special “talents” can provide. You’re well connected with all kind of sex pervert freak shit, right?

Welllll….yeah….

Mercy needs a man.

Milo sizes Mercy up and frowns deeply. Maddy dearest you know I…

This isn’t a fuckin’ request you log cabin layabout. You haven’t done shit but use your office space to raw dog twinks on the DL for months. This is how you earn your keep, you got it?!

Milo sighs. Yes, ma’am.

So you got an idea for Mercy?

Milo speaks with some trepidation. I’m afraid I do.

Well good! See to it that ‘Merse gets off so that I can get her back to being the exuberant slaughter monster we all know and love. Now if you would both kindly fuck off, I’ve got like a mountain of these reviews to get through and only so much scotch to get me through the day.

Yes, Madison. Then to Mercy, though he certainly doesn’t look enthusiastic. Follow me, Mercy. I know just the ticket for you.


WhEre arE yOU tAKINg mE yOU iDIOt?

Look, you want that dusty poonanny to get stretched or not?

Mercy wheeled on Milo and stuck one of her bladed gloves in his face. He gulps audibly. wAtCH yOUr tONe.

Okay, okay, Jesus! Milo continues to lead Mercy down a long hallway that looks like it’s inside a dilapidated hotel that was once quite lavish. Paint peels from the walls and some of the doors on either side of them are just barely hanging on to their hinges. We’re in the under-underground dating scene, Mercy. Serial killer speed dating!

wHaT…?

Hey, you’re the one who said you were lonely. Finally, they reach what looks to be a nightclub attached to the hotel proper. It looks like something out of 1930’s noir, except grungier and worn down. At the fore of the club is a stage with a tattered red curtain behind it. And mingling on the floor are the greatest collection of freaks, weirdo’s, and perverts you’ve ever seen in your life. Milo gestures to the room. See?

i’M gOINg to KILL yOu.

Milo takes a step back. Maybe give it a shot first?

At that point, a dessicated corpse of a man wearing a black suit and a gas mask takes the stage. He takes hold of a microphone and it squeals in protest, almost as though its recoiling from his touch. He coughs wetly into the mic before proceeding in a gasping voice. Welcome to Serial KIller Speed Dating. And just a quick reminder to continue to check our Facebook page for more event updates. That is, if you don’t…*hack* *wheeze* find the love of your life here tonight. Now come up here and grab a fuckin’ number.

Mercy looks to MIlo, and you can just tell she’s scowling underneath the mask.

Go get ‘em girl! Milo pumps his fist in the air with mock enthusiasm.

WhEre aRE yoU gOING to BE?

Oh, uhhh, outside. I don’t wanna be caught dead in this freak parade. Tootles! Milo waggles his fingers at Mercy and beats feet out of the room. With a deep sigh Mercy looks back at the room, surveiling the attendees, before proceeding to the front where she pulls a number out of an old grocery store counter ticket machine. 

lEt’S gEt THIs oVer WitH.


We see Mercy sitting at a table across from this fine looking chap.



Now all I’m sayin’, he says in a thick Southern drawl…is that I don’t think President Trump gets a fair shake in the librul media…

Mercy slams her hand down on a buzzer in the middle of the table.


And now she’s sitting with…




Wanna hear the world’s greatest dead baby joke?

Mercy hits the buzzer again.




*Eerie lustful labored breathing*

Mercy smacks her palm down on the buzzer.



So I’m…

Mercy smacks the buzzer with extreme prejudice.

Cunt.

TaKe tHAt ToXiC mASculINITY sHiT sOMEwHere ELSe.




dOc D’ViLLE?

…who?

*BUZZ*


A young man sits down across from Mercy.



tOo YoUNG… Mercy’s hand hovers over the buzzer.

Whatever. You can buzz me. This shit is dumb as hell anyway.

Mercy’s hand pauses.

i…AGrEE…

Mercy then notices some of the other killers pointing and laughing in the young man’s direction.

wHY aRE theY lAuGHInG aT yOU?

The young man sighs. Because I’m “just a school shooter”. Apparently that puts me on the serial killer bottom rung. He pulls out a cigararette and lights it. It doesn’t matter. Putting the cig in his mouth, he lips it to one side and continues. So if this is so stupid why are you here?

mY mEGAloMANIAC boSS’ HOMOsExUaL ExEcuTive AssiSTAnT bROUGHT mE hErE beCAUSe I’M lonEly.

He nods sagely despite the innane nature of the statement. Sounds like as good a reason as any. He pulls the cig out and taps it in an ashtray. So what’s your body count?

dOn’T rEMEMbEr.

Ah. A veteran of the game.

wHAT’S YOUrS?

13 elementary school kids, an assistant principal and a gym teacher. Because fuck Phys Ed.

wHY AREn”t YoU iN pRISOn?

Copped an insanity plea when I was 15. Went to an asylum. Got out on good behavior at 22. So here I am.

Mercy paused before responding. cOoL.

A lot of people wouldn’t agree with that assessment. He takes a drag. So who’s your boss?

mAdISoN dYsOn.

Never heard of her.

ShE pREFErs iT THaT wAY.

You guys got a good relationship?

I KiLLeD hEr onCe.

The boy smiles. Sweet. He leans back in his chair. Been out of the game since I was a teenager. Thinking of getting back in though. Is it tough out there for a world class serial killer these days?

eH….dePENdS WhO you’RE kiLLiNg anD hoW muCh prESS YoU gEt.

As always. He chuckles.

And then, the microphone from up front screeches again and the creepy old man in the gas mask speaks. I hope everything is going splendidly for you all. Just wanted to give you all a *hack* *cough* *cough* heads up that we have a fully stocked hors d’ouvres table out for you all. Including both vegan and cannibal options! Please *cough* help yourselves.

The boy shrugs. Wanna get a snack?

sURe.

Mercy and the young man get up from the table. You know, we never introduced ourselves to each other.

MerCy.

Cillian. Nice to meet you, Mercy.

They arrive at the long snack table. A nude woman is serving as a platter for a cheese and cracker spread. On the far side of the table are tin buckets full of bloodied body parts for the more carnal in attendance. The woman platter is sobbing openly as Cillian and Mercy walk up to her.

Please…please help me…I don’t want to die!

Mercy grabs a couple slices of pepperjack from in between her tits. wE ALL gO sOMeTImE.

Yeah, just enjoy the ride. Cillian continues, making a sandwich out of some cheddar and crackers and plopping it in his mouth. Mercy starts fitting the cheese slices in the mouth slit of her mask as the conversation continues.

sO yOu wAnt bACk iN?

Yeah, I’ve been scouting out a few local schools but I gotta say, nothing’s really inspiring me, ya know? It’s different when you’re a kid and you’ve got the jocks that pantsed you in front of a bunch of girls in your sights, but some random school? I just don’t feel the connection. Or maybe I’m just being a pussy. I don’t know.

MmMmm…I unDERsTanD. IT’s beeN a LONg tIme SinCE I’VE FELt CONNECtEd to A vic. It DOeS mAke The WHOLE thINg seem swEeter.

Exactly. He pauses and picks another snack up off the whimpering woman. So what’s your day job?

KiLLinG.

Wow! Cillian seems floored. Doing what you love! That’s a rare thing nowadays.

WhAt dO yOu dO?

Well, nobody will hire me on account of I’m a nationally famous child murderer. So I mostly just find scrap metal and turn it in for cash.

sOuNds…BoRiNg.

Cillian laughs. Oh, it is!

i…I meAn….I didn’t MeAn tO comE off lIke a BITch. Or AnyThing.

Oh, you didn’t. You just speak the truth. I think that’s a very attractive feature.

Mercy resists the urge to abashedly look away.

Soooo, you meet anybody here you like?

nO. thEy’Ve aLl bEen ASSholEs.

Present company excluded, I hope?

I….errr…yeAh.

Hey, all right! I’ll take it. He finishes off his cig, drops it, and stamps the embers out. You wanna blow this joint and go do something fun?

lIke whaT?


Mercy and Cillian are crammed in the back seat of Milo’s Prius, and Milo is certainly not looking happy. He has his phone up to his face and he’s shouting. Madison, this is way out of control!

jUsT do It yOu LITTlE biTCH!

Milo, what do they want you to do? And who’s “they” anyway?

Mercy hooked up with a school shooter who’s name is, and I shit you not, Cillian.

A school shooter?! Madison squalks over the phone. Honey they’re the bottom of the barrel when it comes to mass murderers. Why couldn't you find a fine upstanding man who makes lamp shades out of vaginas or something?

And get this! Now, they want me to buy guns for them so they can do a school shooting!

ciLLiAn wAntS bACk in THe gAme!

Yeah, I want back in the game. He parrots. But I’m federally barred from ever buying firearms again. Oh and Madison, I think we could be friends so I'm not taking anything you said about me to heart.

Shut the fuck up! Madison barks. Okay, let me make one thing crystal goddamn clear. There are to be NO unauthorized massacres on my watch. Capiche?

Awwwwwww. Cillian grouses. How about if we just stick up a gas station or something and there’s a little “accident”?

NO! And besides Mercy, you gotta get your head in the fucking game, you’re facing Mark Flynn at Weekend Warfare!

I knOw….bUt you’Re the onE wHo tOld mE i ShoulD daTe moRe.

Mercy, I’m done with your lip! Now Milo, you got one of those creepy XWF drone cameras in your car?

Milo looks directly at the camera. Unfortunately.

I wondered what the hell that thing was for.

Good! Because I got a little somethin’ somethin’ to say to Mr. Flynn!

MARK!!

YOU’RE GOING TO WIN THIS MATCH!

wHaT?!

Mercy, you’re taking the fall to Flynn.

You can tell based on Mercy’s body language that she doesn’t like this one bit. WhY?!!

Because I said so! And because Mark Flynn…I want to make you a job offer!

Everybody in the car looks dumbstruck. Well, we can presume Mercy does at any rate.

Yes that’s right Mark. You are without a shadow of a doubt one of the most low down, scumbag, snake in the grass, immoral, villanous, ne’er do well sons a bitches I’ve ever seen! And that whole “I’m a good guy, really!” shtick you had going on? *Chef’s Kiss*

Seriously, you are a complete shitbag asshole and I simply ADORE you for it. And I want you on my team! How serious am I about this offer?

Madison calls out to someone away from the phone.

Send in the next three reviews!

We can vaguely hear a door open and shut as people shuffle into the room.

YOU’RE ALL FIRED! Clean out your lockers! Madison can be heard shrilly yelping on the other end of the phone. Then, returning her attention to the call. There you go, Mark! I just shitcanned three of my goons and you can have all their money, which I assure you was CONSIDERABLE.

Guys, is Mercy doing that creepy thing where she flexes her icky blade fingers and cants her head in a crazy way?

Milo nods nervously. Ye-yeah…

Okay, so you’re pissed ‘Merse. I get it. Let me throw you a bone. If I was allowing you to win this match, I think you’d have a damn good shot at getting the job done.

Mark, here’s the thing about Mercy. You know how every hack out there says that same old shit “you’ve never faced anyone like me before!” Hurrrr durrrr. It’s fuckin’ stupid, right? But in this case it’s honestly true.

Mercy is a twisted pain loving psychopath with a surgical addiction steeped in years of bodily and emotional trauma. I’ve literally seen this bitch cut her own face open so that she could better bite chunks out of people’s throats. I mean, can you conceive of what brain dysfunction makes someone do that? Can you?

Point blank, I don’t even consider Mercy people. She lives to inflict pain and suffering everyday. Hell, she lives to have pain and suffering inflicted ON HER everyday. Ya see, the thing about Mercy is that whatever amount of physical pain you think you can heap on her, she’s probably already done worse to HERSELF. And in an XTreme rules match, I daresay that gives her a fuckton of an advantage. Now, I’m not gonna say she doesn’t feel pain, but those nerve receptors don’t all travel to the top floor, ya feel me?

What we’ve got is a vicious, cold, calculating monster of a human who is unlike anyone else in the XWF at this moment. And what Mercy lacks in overall wrestling experience she makes up for in pure ferocity and sadism.

So Mark Flynn, you better watch that pert fanny of yours come Wednesday Warfare, because if Mercy catches you slippin’, she’ll probably make you eat your tongue or some sick shit like that.

There Mercy, did that make you feel better?

dO YoU StiLL wAnt mE to LoSE?

Yeah.

…..

Oh, and one more thing Mark. I see you’ve got yourself a bit of a North Korean international incident going on. Well hey hon, just say the word and I’ll have Mercy or one of my other vicious miscreants on that like flies on shit. We will cancel that visa PERMANENTLY.

Alright, I gotta go. Now remember you two crazy kids, no homicide without my permission! Taaaaa~!

The phone clicks off and Milo replaces it. You heard the lady no unscheduled murder.

Mercy it's totally bullshit that Madison is telling you to lose to Mark Flynn. Mark Flynn isn't even that evil, he is firmly in diet Coke of evil territory.

Mercy shakes her head. IT doEsn'T MATTER. ShE is My masTER. I haVe To obeY.

Cillian looks frustrated. But you can totally beat that guy.

oF cOurSe I cAn. I’Ve suRvIvEd RAMpANT inFEcTion, hAvinG hALf my ORgAnS removED, and EvEn deAth. WhAt thE fUcK doeS mArk FlyNN haVe oN thAt? NoTHinG. WreStlIng skIll onLy gETS you sO fAR bEfore You eNd uP in SheEr sUrvivAbility TERRitory. And Nobody iS mOre oF A suRvivOr thAn mE.

mArK, haVe You eVER hAd yOur gUts pUllEd out bECAUSE thEy wERE WEEpinG pUs and DyinG? Hell MaRk, hAve yOU Ever bEEn deAd? No. You’Ve lIved a PAMPerEd exIstAnce cOmpaRed tO mE. PluS, thINk on This MArk. You KnoW hoW to InfliCt pAin uP to A certAin pOint. For Me, thEre iS no “cerTAIN pOINT”. I”m a SAVAgE mArk. AnD wHen It cOMes to MAKING PeOple huRT, I dOn’T hAve AnY limIts, aNy SafeWordS. It’s ALL FuLL BoRe, BitCh.

Just then, Milo’s phone starts to chirp a patriotic sounding tune and the words “FOX NEWS BREAKING STORY” can be heard.

Milo shushes everyone in the car. Everybody shut up the two minute hate is on. He turns the volume on his phone back up so the story can be heard.

Just moments ago, we have been informed that a Serial Killer Speed Dating Party has been broken up by a joint task force consisting of local police and the FBI.

Holy shit, we got out of there just in time!

Inexplicably we have asked country megastar Jason Aldean for his input on this story.

The shot on the phone cuts to a still image of Jason Aldean as he starts speaking.

“Serial killers? Homocidal freakshows? Pre-marital sex? Where does is eeeeeeeeend?” He drags out the word “end” with a country twang. “We’ll I’ll tell ya what ya bunch of freaks, why don’t you COME TRY THAT IN A SMALL TOWN?!”

A guitar strums for good measure.

Mercy and Cillian look at each other.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

yEah. We’Re GonnA kIll JasOn AldeAn.

For our first date!

ThIs….thIS iS a….d-date?

Oh no! Like Madison said, nobody is killing anybody! Milo interjects.

hEy CiLLiAn, gRab thE whEEl.

Huh? Why?

jUsT dO iT.

Cillian reaches over the seats and grabs Milo’s steering wheel.

Get off me! What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!

And then, from the seat just behind him, Mercy jabs a syringe deep into Milo’s neck. Milo cuts out a girlish scream as Mercy presses the plunger down, injecting him with some sort of foul liquid. Milo immediately passes out.

Oh shit! Cillian hops into the front, still struggling to control the car.

Then, the shot cuts to an exterior view of the car. It suddenly screeches to a halt, and Milo’s body is dumped out the driver’s seat, before the car burns out and hauls ass down the street.