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X-treme Wrestling Federation BOARDS » Warfare Boards » "Weekend Warfare" RP Board
“Hand Me The Beans You Flippin’ Cork Screwer.”
Author Message
Alice Knight Offline
Registered but either hasn't added self to a roster yet or doesn't RP

XWF FanBase:
Some of everyone

(cheered; very rarely plays dirty but isn't lame either; many likable qualities)

08-16-2023, 05:58 PM

“This is news anchor Hugh Grant. NO! Not that Hugh Grant! I am here with the developing story out of the Arizona local apartment shooting. The person who was shot was ‘Crazy’ Murphy Maxwell. That’s crazy with ONE ‘Y’, Murf-Max as he is known in the city was a man running for superintendent in apartment district 14 Dundas against actor and current super of the building, Val Kilmer. He was shot in the leg. The shooter is still at large but local police have some suspects in custody. More at 6. But back to your scheduled program, Ass Master 2: The Way of Ass, currently in progress.


We see a shot of a elderly doctor walking down the hospital as a young nurse runs up to him.

“Doctor. Doctor.”

“Give me the news.”

“The eye witness to the shooting of Crazy Murf is awake. Would you and the police like to see him now?”

“BUT OF COURSE! GET Detective Graves!”

Shot of Det. Graves walking down the same hallway in a long trench coat. He struts into the room where the eye witness lays in bed looking dizzy.

“What happened to you? Were you assaulted by the suspect?”

“No…” the man says, holding his head. “I am seriously hungover. Too much J&B.”

The detective grabs the man, shaking him.

“Tell me who you saw shoot Mr. Maxwell on election day?”

“I… don’t know who it was but I can describe them to you.”


“Oh… but they did say one thing after they shot Murf-Max.”

“Yeah? What was that…?”

Arizona Police Station

We see a police lineup background. The police let in the suspects. Owlie the Owl flies in before Ferguson. Behind him wheels in Val Kilmer and following him is XWF superstar Alice Knight. And ending it with a homeless looking man with a scruffy beard.

“REPEAT THE SENTENCE THAT WAS GIVEN TO YOU!” An officer behind the glass shouts at the five of them.

“Um, Hand me the BEANS you flippin’ cork screwer.” the bum says scratching his beard.

“Hand ME the beans you flippin’ cork screwer.” Alice says as she curtsies afterwards.

“Hand. Me. The. Beans. You. Flipping. Cork. Screwer.” Val says with his robotic voice keyboard.

“Hand me the beans you flippin’ cork screwer!” Ferguson says, shaking nervously.

[Image: lineup.jpg]

AHHHHHHHH EHHHHHHH! Owlie begins shrieking as a slab of shit sprays out of her.

Interrogation Room

“So why did you shoot Maxwell? Were you mad that he was going to take your good friend Val Kilmer’s job as super? Huh?”

Alice smirks.

“I did nothing wrong. I am innocent. The only thing i am going to be guilty of is beating the hell out of Two E’s Crazee Melanie at Warfare. Trust me on that. But as for this lame ass shooting? I had nothing to do with it."

“That’s not what your buddy Ferguson told us. He said you did it.”

“Nice try. Ferguson would never say lies like that. I’m too adorable. Fun. Cute. Amazing. And a WEE bit quirky. He would never say a negative word against me. I am Alice Knight. HOOT!”


“SHE SOMETIMES FORCES ME TO INSERT A BUTTPLUG INTO MY ANUS! AND SURE I DON’T HATE IT! I kind of have a trunk butt down there if you get what I mean. It’s mildly stretched. Loose poos for me all the time if you catch my drift…”

“Did she shoot Mr. Maxwell?”

“Alice? Never. She’s too adorable and sweet to do anything that messed up… plus she has a huge deal with XWF right now. We’re in Arizona because she has to wrestle some Childs girl. She would never jeopardize her comeback like that.”

“I see. Or was it you that shot Murf-Max because Mr. KIlmer spilled all the beans. Cats in the bag. YOU DID IT, DIDN’T YOU! YOU PIECE OF SHIT, YOU!

“I didn’t! DAMN YOU VAL!”


“So which one of those four did you hire, Bruce Wayne? Was it the bubbly-blue-eyed woman? The bearded fruitcake with the flabby asshole? The owl or the bum? We know you didn’t. And is it true you run a sweatshop in the basement of the 14 Dundas building?

“I. Want. A. Lawyer. Now.”


“I don’t know why I am here. I was just at this election doo-hickey for free cheese and hotdogs and WHAM-O suddenly I am dragged in with these idiots.

“Sure that’s all you got Mr. Homeless-man? Because you smell like crime. And crime smells like urine. You… reek of urine.”

“I know. I pissed myself.”


“What did you see ya dumb bird?|

Owlie flaps her wings and sprays more shit all over the interrogation room.

Arizona Hospital

The man in bed speaks to the sketch artist. Det. Graves sips his cup of coffee as he watches the drawing come together.

“Keep going, bud. More detail.”

“This person had the face of a beast. Teeth like a vampire. The hair of the grim reaper. The body of a demon sent straight from hell!”

“I’m going to catch this horrible ugly beast. Dead or alive.”

The sketch artist continues to draw.

Arizona Police Station

We see in the prison all 5 suspects. Alice is cradling Ferguson who is shaking in fear. Owlie is flying around like a crazy bird. Val Kilmer is emptying his piss bag into the one toilet. And the bum is watching them all very confused.

“You’re going to be ok, Fergie. Hush. Hush. Hoot. Hoot.” Alice giggles as she gently taps Fergusons back as if he was a baby. Ferguson goes to cop-a-feel when a police officer returns. Alice stands up in rage and storms to the officer.

“Listen up you piece of shit. I am ALICE ‘HOOT’N’ KNIGHT, DAMMIT! And I demand to be left out of this cage immediately. I have a match with… um… oh ya. Two E’s Crazee Melanie Childs for XWF. maybe you heard of them. The biggest wrestling company in the WORLD. XWF has been to the moon and back. Literally. You know who goes to the moon? Hardly no one. Only Neil Young-strong, a few chimpanzees and the XWF. That’s it. Not even Tom Hanks, Kevin Bacon and Bill Paxton couldn’t get there in Apollo 13.”

“Rest in peace Bill Paxton…” Ferguson says making a crucifixion with his hands.

“Well… yeah. Rest and peace Bill Paxton. But that’s not the point. When XWF management finds out you locked one of their newest signees and hot properties in a prison cell without ANY evidence to back it up. It will be your ass in the electric chair being executed as you piss and shit yourself in pain. The rubber diaper they force you to wear won’t hold all the urine and feces that comes out of you during your painful death!!!”

The room goes silent. Alice takes a deep breath.

“Seriously. I need to get out of here. I have a match to train for. I have an obligation to the XWF to perform at Warfare here in Arizona near the Grand Canyon. I have to beat this Melanie Childs woman, whoever she is. Don’t you see? This is my comeback. This the HOOT Tour 2023. Version XWF. I need to kick this Crazee chicks ass. And if you don’t let us out… well that won’t happen. And then what happens? I go crazy. And what happens when Alice Knight goes crazy? People. Get. Hurt. And that includes inmates AND prison guards. And anyone who gets in my way. Got it, bud?”

The officer looks confused and unlocks the cell door and opens it.

“You’re free to go.”

“Who said who and the what now?”

“XWF’s lawyer found out about the arrest and threatened to sue the Arizona Police department if they didn’t let you all out. So for us to avoid that our police chief gave the word and is letting you all out due to lack of evidence. So… just go.”

“Sweet. Let’s go guys.”

Ferguson and the bum rush out of the prison. Owlie flies on Alice’s shoulder as they walk out. Val begins to wheel to the exit. But the cop stops him.

“Not you Mr. Kilmer. We found your sweatshop. So… we will process you in the morning.”

“Fuck. Sakes. Alice. Don’t. Let. Them. Forget. My. Name.”


Alice says, shouting near the exit.

“I. Am. Not. Even. Fat.”

The lights go dark.

Alice, Ferguson and Owlie get into the Knight Rider motorhome. She starts the engine.

“Well that was an interesting experience.”

“I’d say…”

“That’s why we make a great team, Fergie. Despite our arguments we have good times too. LIke remember when I said ‘That was an interesting experience.’ And you said ‘I’d say.’? Good times!”

“Yeah that just happened like a second ago. So what will happen now? Will you get caught for what you did? Will Val Kilmer snitch on you? And will you win your match against Melanie Childs on Warfare?”

“Thanks for the last part…”

“No problem. I think you needed to go back to it.”

“Sure did. First question. No. I will never get caught. Because I was careful. I drenched the gun with bean juice. No way the police will find a fingerprint in bean juice. Never. Gonna. Happen. Secondly. Val is one of the most righteous dudes I have ever met. He will go to the grave with this. Likely sooner than later. And finally. As for Melanie Childs? She is the first victim in my XWF run. She will go down, likely with a fight but not a good enough fight as it will be me, Alice Knight leaving Warfare as the winner in our bout. Bet on it. Now. Let’s get some tacos.”

AHHHHHH EHHHHH! Owlie shrieks in the back.

“Yes. Even you, Owlie!”

They two share a laugh as they drive out of the police station parking lot.

Arizona Hospital

“Done Detective Graves. I can’t even look at it anymore. What a creature this person is.”

Det. Graves grabs the sketch and cringes.

“So this is the shooter, huh? It can’t be.”

[Image: sketch.jpg]

It shows a sketch that looks like Alice Knight. He crumples the piece of paper and throws it in the trash can.

“But sir…”

“Listen kid. There’s no such thing as beasts like that. Wake up, and stop dreaming. I guess i’ll just have to keep looking…”

Graves looks out the window on to the city as the exterior shot of the window zooms out slowly as Wang Chungs ‘Wake Up, Stop Dreaming’ plays.


[Image: aliceknightbanner.jpg]
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