Opens on a close up of a man in a suit in front of a rough looking apartment building.

“Hi. I am Crazy Murphy Maxwell. Or as you, my fellow friends at the 14 Dundas apartment building call me, Crazy Murf-Max. As we know, our building hasn’t been up to par as of late. We are one of the shabbiest apartment districts in Arizona. And probably the worst one near the Grand Canyon. And I blame our current superintendent, Val Kilmer. Val was a tremendous actor. No doubt. But as a superintendent here at 14 Dundas? He certainly isn’t tremendous. He can barely keep the HEAT on. He can’t even keep out termites and insects from THE DOORS.  Hell, it’s not a TOP SECRET that living here isn’t THE SAINT it could be. So speak with your votes. Vote for me, Crazy Murphy “Murf-Max’ Maxwell, as the new superintendent of 14 Dundas today.”

The following has been a paid advertisement for Murf Max as 14 Dundas Superintendent. Wait… is this really an advert? I don’t think that’s how it works…



12 HOURS LATER

“We’re really doing it, Fergie! I am going to compete in my first XWF match soon! For, um, real this time. I even found out I am facing someone named  Melanie ‘Crazee’ Childs. That’s Crazee with TWO E’s, Fergie!. Isn’t that exciting!?” Alice shouts to the back while driving her motorhome known only as The Knight Rider. Alice is hollering at her once bitter homeless enemy now good friend, Ferguson.

“DAMN RIGHT, ALICE! You got this Melanie chick. Two E’s or not. You’re HOOTin Alcie Knight with TWO O’s! So, um, when should I feed her?” Ferguson shouts from the motorhome's bathroom as he flushes the toilet. Inside the bathroom tub is ‘her’, Owlie the pet owl of Alice. She hangs in her cage biting the bars of her cage.

“Dammit! I forgot to buy bird seeds. What’s our hotdog situation looking like?” Alice says speeding through traffic. “Not the jumbo ones though! Them’s mine!”

“Yeah, yeah we all know you like jumbo wieners.” Ferguson says digging in the fridge.

“Why do you think I first slept with CJ? Sure he was sweet and built but he boy that man is HUNG, Fergie!”  Alice smiles and closes her eyes thinking about CJ.

“Well if he’s so big down there and your sweetie heart boy toy, why aren’t you two together right now? Huh? I’m more manly than Mr. O’Donnell, it would appear” Fergie smirks, finding a pack of hotdogs.

ERRRRHHHHHHH!

Alice slams the brakes of the motorhome in the middle of the highway and storms to the back stomping her feet loudly. Alice grabs a bag of hotdog buns and begins whacking Ferguson with them as he moans on his knees pleading her to stop.

“Don’t you ever speak ill of CJ again. Or I’ll tell him you said that and it will be your ass. He and I are still a thing. Just doing the long distance stuff, got it? So just shut the hell up, feed my owl some greasy hotdogs and let’s get to Fat Val’s already. We’re already late as it is. We’re staying there as I get ready for Weekend Warfare against Childs.” Alice tosses the buns on Ferguson before going back behind the wheel of the vehicle.

“Settle down. And stop calling your friend Val Kilmer “fat”, Alice. He’s not even ‘overweight’ anymore. He’s been sick as a dog battling cancer.”

Alice drives “I choose to remember Val Kilmer the way I want to. And he’s always going to be ‘Fat’ Val to me. I accepted ‘Heat’, ‘Tombstone’ and ‘Bruce Wayne’ Val is gone forever. But I refuse to call him ‘Sick’ Val. I’m not a complete bitch.”

“How about just Val? Why a label?” Ferguson threw hotdogs at Owlie from a distance.

“I suppose you make a point, Dummy Fergie. See! How do you like it? That’s your nickname. Not fun is it?” Alice smirks thinking she made a point.

“No. You’re just proving my point. Labeling people is not nice.”

Alice shakes her head chuckling “I won. Admit it…”

“No.”

“Admit I won, Fergie.”

“You didn’t win. Like most of your matches last year, you lost. I am not even convinced you can beat this Two E’s Melanie chick. So accept this loss and worry about beating her, kay Alice? Deal with it.”

“Admit. I. Won, Ferguson.”

“No…”

EERRRHHHHHHH

Alice slams the brakes again and digs into her glove department pulling out a giant buttplug. “Admit I won… admit I will beat Crazee Melanie… with two e’s… on Warfare… admit it… or you wear this for the rest of the trip…” She stares at him with an evil glare.

“...”

Ferguson goes quiet holding his butt-cheeks with his hands. Alice cracks her neck and stands up as the scene fades to black with an exterior shot of the motorhome shaking outside and the sounds of Owlie screeching within the bathroom.



We cut to a shot of Val Kilmer in his wheelchair/voice system laptop standing in front of a scruffy looking apartment building. He begins pounding away at his keyboard. The text to speech robotic voice begins to speak.

“Hello. I. Am. Val. Kilmer. Star. Of. Such. Hits. As. Batman. Forever. And. Um. Uh. Other. Films. Too. I. Am. Here. To. Inform. You. That. Murphy. Maxwell. Is. Scum. And. The. Apartments. Here. At. 14. Dundas. Are. Fine. And. As. Your. Current. Superintendent. I. Promise. To. Make. This. Place. Butter.”

Val smiles.

“Sorry. Better. I mean. Just. A. Typo. Joke. My. New. Sense. Of. Humor.”

“GOOD ONE, FAT VAL!”

Val motions the camera man to stop shooting as he hears a female's voice from the parking lot. Leaning on her motorhome is Alice Knight waving to Val. Next to her is Ferguson holding his rear-end and Owlie in her cage. Kilmer wheels himself over towards Alice grinning from ear to ear. Alice bends down and greets him with a gentle hug.

“Hello. Alice. Always. A. Lovely. Sight. For. Sore. Eyes.”

Alice shrugs smiling “Glad you’re doing well, Fat Val. What’s with the camera? Filming a snuff pornographic film? Want me in it? I'll throw on a bathing suit and grab a plastic bread bag to wrap around my face…”

“No. No. I. Trying. To. Keep. My. Position. As. Super. Here. Against…”

Val points. Alice looks over to see Murphy Maxwell walking over with a boombox playing “Control’ by Puddle of Mudd. He flicks his cigarette to the grass as he and his entourage approach Alice and Val.

“Well… if it’s not the soon to be former super of 14 Dundas, Val Kilmer. And who's your little friend? Is she your girlfriend? Can you even move your pecker anymore, Val?”

“What the FOOK is your problem, buddy? This is Val Kilmer. Show a little respect. And I am Alice Knight by the way.”

Maxwell laughs while picking his nose. “Alice. Knight? The chunky mustard lady?”

“Among other things. Like a WRESTLER for one!”

“Didn’t your mustard kill like a province of children in Canada?”

“The judge dismissed that case.”

“Ha! A wrestler too, huh? Aren’t you a WEE bit ‘old’ to be doing such a physical activity like ‘wrassling’? If you’re not careful you will end up next to your buddy Val Kilmer over here in the eviction line. Ha!”

“Who the hell are you anyway?”

“Crazy Murf-Max, my dear. And I will soon be the super of this place.”

“I bet you’re not even cool enough to spell your CRAZY with two E’s. What a loser. So why don't you make like a leaf and beat it, you dip shit. You honestly expect to get more votes than THE Fat Val in the… superintendent? Election? Huh?”

Ferguson looks confused. “That’s not even a real thing.”

“I. Know. It’s. Weird.”

“Very weird… just like how Val Kilmer looks. Ha!”

Alice gets into Murf’s face. “What did you just say to my good friend, Fat Val? Choose your next words wisely Mister Crazy with one ‘Y’ i’m sure. Because I already have a match with another Crazee with Two E’s at my debut match in XWF on Warfare. Melanie Childs. Maybe you heard of her?”

Shakes his head ‘no’.

“...Oh… Well. She’s probably a big deal. Doesn’t matter. Because I am going to wipe the ring clean with her body. But not until I see Fat Val win this… superintendent election?”

“Ha! What a joke. Good luck, ladies. You’re gonna need it.”

Murf sticks another cigarette in his mouth before he and his entourage walk past the three of them into the beat-down apartment building.

“What an asshole. How is that guy going to be superintendent?”

“You’re. Telling. Me.”

“Are you boys thinking what I am thinking?”

“Yes, Alice. I believe so.” Ferguson nods, hands down his pants.

“No. No. I have a plan. But before we get crazy with one ‘Y’ let’s get crazee with two ‘E’s…”


BREAKING NEWS
“Hello I am Scott Speedman. No! Not THAT Scott Speedman. Here with a breaking news story out of Arizona. Local Superintendent election turns to chaos when superintendent electee Murphy Maxwell was shot in the leg via a sniper during his speech. The lack of interest from the local police cared NOT to look into it. As it was a rough neighborhood and… really? A superintendent election? Is that even real? Anyway, I guess beloved actor Val Kilmer will remain as super until further notice.

TV TURNS OFF

“YAY! WE DID IT!”

“Ha. Ha. I. Am. Full. Of. Happiness. So. Much. I. Am. Filling. My. Pee. Bag. As. We. Speak.”

“...Gross. But who hired the gun-man? And whereeeee is Alice?”

Alice enters the room holding a sniping rifle shouting ‘HOOT! HOOT!”


“Classic. Alice. Knight.”

Alice throws the rifle on the bed and sits between Ferguson and Val,

“Mutf may THINK he’s crazy but I am legit bat-shit-insane! I just shot a guy!”

“Aren’t you worried about being arrested?”

“If I worried about being arrested all the time. I wouldn’t be where I am today. Congrats… normal-sized-Val!”

She hugs Val Kilmer. He wheels-over to face them both.

“Thanks. Now. I. Won’t. Have. To. Close. My. Childrens. Sweat. Shop. I, Run. In. The. Basement. Here.”

He wheels away leaving Alice and Ferguson looking nervoust.

“Let’s… leave early in the morning and never ever ever speak of this again.”

“Good idea… so where did you get the gun?”

“I know it’s weird.”

Scene ends?

//Word Count WAS 1999 in Google Docs (sorry)