Angelica Vaughn and Roxy Cotton were a few drinks in when their Uber dropped them off at the restaurant. The evening would’ve been sultry, had the Malibu coast not provided a cool ocean breeze. It was a different climate from Maine to say the least, and Angelica had welcomed the temporary change in scenery. Not in the least because it had been ages she and Roxy had gotten to hang out together.

"You’ll see soon, bb, this place is the best. I don’t even need to make reservations here anymore, they always hold my special table for me and my guests."

They were walking the last few yards to the Malibu Farm Restaurant, which was located behind an entrance building, on a pier. It was known for some lavish vegan dishes, the main reason it held such an important place in Roxy’s heart.

”Oh, goodie! It’s about time we finally get to have a girls’ night out. There’s a lot to celebrate, after all."

"Exactly! When I won the Wonder Cup last week, I…"

”…when * we*  won the Wonder Cup…"

"…I finally shut up the haters who didn’t believe me when I said I was the league’s best player! But now that I finally won the Wonder Bowl…"

”…when *we* finally won the Wonder Bowl…”"

"…the whole world got to see just how dominant of a player I am."

It was true, the Cincinnati Hitgirls, the LFL team Angelica and Roxy played for, had, against all odds, won the league title. It had been Angelica’s first year as a quarterback after Kenzi had handed her the reigns before the start of the season, and she had captained the team to winning the big one right out of the gate. Roxy, however, was more than happy to take most, if not all, of the credit for the team’s success.

Angelica wasn’t going to fight her too much on it. It was only half of the reasons they had for celebrating, after all. The other half was decorating Angelica’s waist. Roxy looked at the TV Championship that Angelica had actually decided to wear on their night out.

"You’re not really supposed to do that, you know, bb. Like, nobody does that."

”Well, that’s a real shame for nobody, then. It’s been  a hot minute since I held a single’s title, and I worked really hard for it. Dionysus was a tough one, and considering I have to defend it against Noah on the next show I’d like to spend as much time with it as possible."

"Ugh, Noah… You sound like you’re just going to roll over for him."

”NOBVS! I’m just saying, he’s quite good too. Say what you want about him, but he’s very good. Got to the War Games final and everything! Plus, I really think he likes cats. And Vita clearly still has a crush on him if you ask me. But anyway, that doesn’t matter. Now that I am the champion of all of Television… Hey, Rox?"

Now that she had spoken it into existence, a few thoughts crossed her mind.

"Hmm??"

”What does ‘all of Television’ even mean? Like, is it only cable? Or does it also mean I am champion of, like, Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO Max, Disney+,… Because it’s also TV, but not everybody has it, so does it count? Are streaming services even ‘TV’? Because you can watch them on smartphones too! And I’m Television Champion, not Smartphones Champion. So does that just mean I am Cable Champion? It can’t be ‘PPV’ Champion either, because the TV title is only defended on Warfare. Maybe we really should rename this title, because it is terribly confuzzling, if you ask me!"

"Ang, you’re overthinking things again. You won a title, let’s leave it at that, bb. Let’s go do some shots first."

But Roxy came to a screeching halt when they arrived at the entrance, and they saw a sign that read ‘CLOSED’. The blonde bombshell’s jaw fell to the floor.

"What the… NO! This can’t be!!!"

Roxy dropped her purse and started banging on the glass door with her fists.

"LET ME IN! I DEMAND YOU LET ME IN!"

”Ummm… I don’t think anyone’s actually in there right now, Rox."

"You don’t understand, Ang, they have the BEST coconut ceviche! Butternut squash linguine! Chia pudding! And I’m hungryyyyyy!"

She banged on the door a few more times, but to no avail. Finally, her shoulders drooped and Angelica wrapped an arm around her friend.

”Hey now, don’t be sad! I could eat, too, axly. So why don’t we just head over back to your place? I can make us something!"

Roxy frowned, and slowly looked up at the much taller Angelica. One eyebrow shot up.

"You? …make us something?? …like, to eat?"

Roxy’s mouth slowly curled up, before it crescendoed into a full-on laughing fit.

"Ha. Haaaahahaa. Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaa! Good one, bb. But I’m not dying tonight."

Angelica removed her arm, and put both hands on her hips.

”Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?"

"Ang. Angie. BB. You are the worst cook in the world. You are as bad a chef as Sar is a driver."

”WOWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"I would rather listen to Kenzi’s latest Prince cover album than put anything in my mouth that you ‘cooked’."

”WOWWWWWWWWWWWW UNCALLED FOR!!"

Roxy started to recover. The laughing stopped and she regained her composure. She wiped a tear from her eye. Thankfully she was wearing waterproof makeup.

"Let’s just go find some other place to eat. I’ll call us another Uber."

She patted Angelica on the shoulder as she stepped away for a second. Angelica scowled.

”HMPF! SO rude! I can cook, you know! And I’ll show it to everybody!"

She grabbed her phone, and quickly dialed her agent’s number.

”Hello, Edith? Yes, this is Ang. Hey, remember that thing you suggested to me a while back? I changed my mind. Let’s do it. After all, I am Television Champion. So let’s be on Television."

---

---

The scene opens up, showing flashing images of well-known celebrities. A narrator binds the images together.

“Over the next two weeks, five celebrities will be competing against each other for the honor of being called the next…”


The camera cuts to Gordon Ramsay and Joe Bastianich who are awaiting their arrival. Then we cut to our celebrities themselves, as the narrator and the celebrities introduce themselves.

“First up, is NFL star quarterback and Hall of Famer… Aaron Rodgers!”

Aaron Rodgers: "I’ve always been a great chef. But ever since my case of Covid toe, I feel like my palate has been destroyed. I’m here to show that I can overcome every obstacle put in front of me, whether it’s making the Jets relevant again, or beating Kung Flu."

”The second person to compete is one of the greatest comedians of any generation… Bill Burr!

Bill Burr: ”Few people know this, but I fucking love baking, you know? It’s probably my favorite hobby, other than getting into arguments with my wife over the last dumb shit Oprah said."

”World renowned magician… Penn Jillette!”

Penn Jillette: "I actually started cooking a few years back, because it was the only way I was going to eat healthier. So I dropped a lot of weight since then, and I feel better than ever. Cooking has a lot of tricks, but as opposed to magic, it’s not an illusion."

”Grammy and BET Award winning artist Megan The Stallion!”

Megan Thee Stallion: "I feel like most people don’t know what good food is. Much of it’s just fancy bullshit. If something taste good, it taste good. So Chef Ramsey best not get up in my face ‘bout it, ‘cause I’m gon’ cook the way we do it in Texas."

”Professional wrestling Champion and LFL Quarterback, Angelica Vaughn!”

Angelica Vaughn: ”OW EM GEE! I LOVE MEGAN THEE STALLION!"

The camera cuts to all five competitors lined up in front of Chef Ramsey and Chef Joe.

Gordon Ramsey: "Welcome, to all of you! There’s a lot of talent in this room, whether it’s sports, music, comedy or magic. But the only real talent that we care about, is what you can do in the kitchen."

Joe Bastianich "Usually we start with a mystery box challenge, but we’ve decided to give you a bit more of a free reign this time. We want to get a feel for what all of you can bring to the table, and what your style is."

Gordon Ramsey: "So what we want from all of you, is your go-to dish. The kind of dish you make when you’re stuck at home on a rainy evening. There’s the pantry. You have sixty seconds, starting NOW!"

First, we cut to each contestant, who give a few short notes on what their go-to dish would entail.

Aaron Rodgers: "I’ve eaten a lot of cheese over the years, so I’d probably go for something cheesy. A strong cheese, with lots of smell, because otherwise I can’t smell a damn thing. I’m not saying it’s because of the chemtrails, but…"

Bill Burr: "I love baking pies, man, it’s like yoga but you get to do something that’s actually useful. I love baking fish pies, because I’m from New England, so let’s see where that goes."

Penn Jillette: "I like to conjure up a salad that’s healthy, nutritious, but still has a lot of bite. I’ve gotten really fond of Salade Niçoise, it’s sophisticated enough to serve to a fine chef, but simple enough that you can just snap your fingers and have it ready. Figuratively speaking, of course."

Megan Thee Stallion: "Biscuits. Gravy. Mashes potatoes. Some nice chicken. Fuck more you want me to say?"

Angelica Vaughn: ”Stuck at home on a cold, rainy evening? I usually just order takeout, tee bee aitch. But they took my phone! Now what am I supposed to do?"

The contestants hurry off to the kitchen.

“It seems like some, however, are having more trouble deciding what to make as their go-to dish.”

When all other contestants have already left the pantry and are ready to get cooking, a panicked Angelica is still standing in the pantry, holding a handful of ingredients.

Angelica Vaughn: ”What are these things? Molasses? I don’t know what that is, it sounds like liquid snails! I am terrible at French cuisine!"

The camera cuts to Gordon and Joe who are watching all contestants closely.

Gordon Ramsey: "What in the actual fuck is she doing?"

Joe Bastianich "Who even allowed her on here? I’m gonna fire at least one producer."

”As our contestants slowly but surely get their dishes together, it’s clear that one of them is lagging behind. Whereas Aaron Rodgers’ cheese soufflé is looking marvelous, Penn’s Salade Niçoise looks mouth-watering, Bill Burr’s fish pie is looking crisp and Megan’s fried chicken crunchy… Angelica Vaughn has a lot of catching up to do.”

After a small time jump, Gordon Ramsey shouts out the end of the hour.

Gordon Ramsey: "Alright, that’s it! Hands up, everybody!"

All five contestants cover their dishes, and Joe Bastianich points at Angelica.

Joe Bastianich "First up… our wrestling champ over there…"

Angelica Vaughn: ”Noes! I’m not ready yet!"

Gordon Ramsey: "Tough break, sweetheart, let’s see what you’ve got."

A nervous Angelica brings her platter forward, with shaking hands. She puts the covered dish in front of the two judges.

Angelica Vaughn: ”So I errr… made an Italian-French fusion dish that uses fancy but simple ingredients that I found over there."

As Joe uncovers the dish, a cloud of black smoke escapes from underneath the dome, leaving the two chefs coughing.

Gordon Ramsey: "What the fuck is that??? Are you trying to poison us, darling?"

Angelica Vaughn: ”I mean it’s not perfect, but…"

Gordon Ramsey: "Not perfect?? Can you even tell me what it is?"

Joe takes a spoon and stirs through the sticky, burnt goop with great effort, pulling up his nose.

Angelica Vaughn: ”It’s, like, pasta! But I used something else than water to cook them in so they could absorb some flavor!"

Joe Bastianich "What did you use??"

Angelica Vaughn: ”…molasses..."

Gordon Ramsey: "WHAT?? You cooked your pasta in molasses? Have you hit one too many ringposts with your head, young lady?"

Angelica Vaughn: ”Look, it’s not like there are rules against it or something!"

Joe Bastianich "You’re right. There’s also no sign on any of these walls that say ‘don’t smear shit all over the walls’. Some things just go without saying. I’m not even going to try and eat this."

Angelica Vaughn: ”WOwww, well that seems hardly fair."

Gordon Ramsey: "The only thing this dish is good for inside of a kitchen is to put it on the floor and hope any rats and cockroaches choke on it. What are you even doing here???"

Angelica Vaughn: ”Just… challenging myself! Like I always do. You don’t get anywhere in life if you just keep coasting, you know. Sometimes that means stepping out of your comfort zone. Besides, you haven’t even tasted it, for all you know it tastes great!"

Gordon Ramsey: "For all I fucking know? For all I fucking know I’m going to die if I even eat half a mouthful. Get back in line, young lady. Better yet, get out!"

”It looks like Angelica’s first…dish… wasn’t exactly a success. The wrestling champion is told to leave the room as the other contestants get their dishes judged.”

We cut to Angelica sitting in a separate room in front of the camera.

Angelica Vaughn: ”Ugh, this is a nightmare! I didn’t know I was going to be put on the spot like that! Luckily there is one more challenge before the first elimination, so I will be getting a chance to redeem myself.

And I really do want to redeem myself. Everyone who knows me knows that I always try to strive for excellence, no matter the situation. Even if there are a few bumps in the road. And before Warfare is over, I will have cooked Gordon Ramsey a dish he likes, I swear to Baby Jesus!

In fact, let’s make it official. On Warfare, Noah Jackson is coming for my TV Championship. As the TV Champ, it’s my prerogative to come up with the match stipulation, so I am officially declaring the first ever ‘Gordon Ramsey Scrambled Egg Match.’ It’s one of Chef Ramsey’s most famous dishes, and I will prove that I am a better cook *and* wrestler than Noah."

Angelica takes her phone, that she got back, and quickly looks something up.

Angelica Vaughn: ”Right, so here’s how it goes. Scrambled eggs, a few simple ingredients. Half a dozen eggs. A knob of butter. A knob? Ew, that must be a spelling error. Some crème fraiche. Seasoned with salt and some chives. All in a non-stick pan.

So that’s six things you need. There will be two cooking stations at ringside. Two pans will be suspended above the ring, which you’ll need to grab. The pan can be used as a weapon once retrieved, but only the one that has your name on it. Therefore, the one to first retrieve a pan will have a significant advantage. On the inside of the pan will be a key.

The rest of the ingredients are in five different briefcases, spread around ringside. They have the ingredient’s name on them -eggs, butter, cream, salt, chives-, but can only be opened by one of the two keys inside the pans.

Once you have retrieved all of the ingredients, you can get cookin’… But here’s the thing: your opponent can interfere with your cooking. So we’ll have to incapacitate each other so badly first that we can no longer do that. Luckily, scrambled eggs only take a little while to finish. But if Gordon Ramsey doesn’t like your scrambled eggs, guess what? Five new briefcases are distributed and you’ll have to start all over again. By which time your opponent might no longer be incapacitated.

I’m sure it’ll be fun, Noah. Violent, but fun. And that’s exactly what I think this match between the two of us should be. Because while I think someone should wash your mouth with soap… wait, that might have also been a really good stipulation, axly… I think your heart is in the right place, more or less. I’m not sure how great a cook you are. I don’t even know what kind of food your country’s famous for, other than vegemite on buttered toast. Which, admittedly, is a lot better than it sounds.

You don’t conform to what others think you *should* be, and I can respect that. It took me a really long time to have the courage to be more like you. And even then, people always compared me to my sibling, rather than judge or value me for the actual *me*. Well, now I am the TV Champion, although I really do think that name deserves another critical look, and here I am: on TV! And I will continue to be for as long as I hold this title, and I have no intention whatsoever of being a one-and-done like the past few TV Champs.

And that will be hard, because Dionysus is talented as heck. And so are you. But I beat Dionysus, and I know I can beat you too, even if you did better at War Games. But that’s fine. That just means you earned this title shot, unlike some other title challengers on the upcoming Warfare. No need to name names, they know who they are. And we *all* do, believe you me. At least I know I’ll be facing a worthy opponent. And that oblong box in the corner of most living rooms will show our unique face-off.

They say the era of TV is coming at an end. But my era as TV Champion is only just beginning."

---

To be continued, on the next episode of…