*Welcome back, True Believers!*

*Nope; I've got this one.*

*What?*

*FOOP!*

*We fade in on Jay Omega, hungover and laid out on an overstuffed, black leather couch set against a wall of opulent golden marble. Jay sits up from his reclined position, wipes at his face with both hands, then suppresses a lurching stomach as he glances at the various bottles of booze covering the coffee table, before turning a miserable expression in our direction.*

JAY OMEGA: Fuck me sideways, it's barely seven thirty, but I'm too queasy to sleep. Knowing Alex, he'll be out until noon at least, so fuck it, might as well do that promo. It's not like things could get any worse, right?

*Omega leans forward and places his elbows on his knees, his hands dangling between his legs.*

JAY OMEGA: Gotta say, for a team called "Good-Boi', y'all are a bunch of pricks. I guess I'll start with Captain Kaye this time, because he had the least to say about me in his first promo. Shit, he showed me more courtesy the first time we faced off, back when he was the Chameleon. I mean, sure, his analysis of me back then was so off the mark it practically qualified as a parody, but at least he afforded me more than two sentences in passing. This time around? All he did was repeat what Mark Flynn said, who in turn just repeated what Sarah Lacklan said, who in turn, just repeated what I've been saying for over a year now; I ain't done shit.

*Jay's left shoulder rises and falls in a half-shrug of sorts, and he gives his head a rueful shake.*

JAY OMEGA: Y'all don't seem to understand that's meant to mock the modern obsession with preening. You think I care whether or not I bombed both the XWF title shots I earned last year? Earned in less than three months, by the by. No! I'm just here for the action; I generally don't care if I win or lose, so long as the fight is good. I'm hoping to get another good fight out of Ned, though he seems to know less about me now than he did when somebody else was pulling his strings.

*A rumble emanates from Omega's stomach, and a wispy smile crosses his face.*

JAY OMEGA: Ah, that's a good sign. And my breakfast should be here any minute, so I’m gonna put something solid in my gut before we go any further. Don’t touch that dial! Or mouse, or whatever.

*The video becomes a still image, and we clock wipe to some time later; Jay is now sitting upright on the couch, his face less ashen and more flesh-toned; a half-finished platter of bacon and eggs growing cold on the coffee table. As the video and audio resume, it becomes clear we're catching the tail end of a phone call.*

JAY OMEGA: Bangarang! All right, Shaun, see you at the show; enjoy the rest of your week.

*Omega disconnects the call, and favors us with a pleased grin.*

JAY OMEGA: Finally got a hold of Vagabond, and got him on board the asskickin' train. Couple that with a belly full of a greasy breakfast, and I'm much better. As is Crash Rodriguez. By which I mean he's a much better speaker than I originally thought, though the kid's still got a lot to learn. Specifically about me. In regards to your crack about being so disliked I had to team with myself last year? Not even close. See, when I arrived, I had no allies; there was no pre-existing variant of me here. I wasn't even overly interested in the tag titles at the time, I was just looking to investigate Robert Main, who was one half of the Tag Champs when I signed my contract. Then APEX all disappeared a week later, but by then I was already committed.

*Omega grabs a strip of bacon off the platter and shoves it in his mouth, speaking as he chews like some uncouth savage.*

JAY OMEGA: As for being disliked? I’m easily one of the most likable people on the roster, bud. How many people do you think can drop by Corey Smith’s compound uninvited, and get a tour instead of an asskicking? Even Bobby Bourbon says I’m a good dude, and I call him Whiskey Dick. Speaking of calling people, give me a moment to try contacting my team again.

*Jay taps at the screen of the tablet strapped to his forearm, and quirks an eyebrow in surprise.*

JAY OMEGA: Hunh. Sidney's finally put some effort into this whole "team" thing; looks like Drunky Kong has a round table interview being set up. "Venue to be determined"? Yeah, no; Alex's resort in the Maldives.

*Jay sends the pertinent information to Dani, then grabs a bud off the table and holds it under his nose for a moment. Satisfied his stomach has settled, Omega sets about rolling himself a blunt.*

JAY OMEGA: So yeah, despite being a bit of an entitled prick, I'm a friendly, likable guy. Unlike Crash, who went off on a profanity-peppered rant at some dude and his kid, simply for having the audacity to not immediately suck Crash's dick, even though the guy has done even less in the XWF than I have. Kid, you should sign up for some anger management; if you lose your shit so badly just because a stranger said other wrestlers are good too, I shudder to think how you're gonna react when I stomp your face into the fuckin' mat and eliminate you first. Considering you're the newest Bastard in the Band, I imagine it's probably going to involve acting like a colossal piece of shit, that does seem to be on brand.

*The tablet on Jay's arm chirrups at him, and a small smile crosses his face as he glances at the screen, then taps a few keys.*

JAY OMEGA: Aha! Found you, Centurion! Hang on a sec, folks; I'll be right with you.

*We hear the sound of a phone ringing, answered on the fourth ring.*

CENTURION(voiceover): Who is this?

JAY OMEGA: Finally! It's Jay Omega, dude. Gotta say, I don't know who's harder to get a hold of, the wilderness survivalist, or you!

CENTURION(voiceover): Yes, well, I'm pretty good at disappearing when I don't want to be contacted. Like, for example, when some high horsed bitch decides to put a team together with no sense of direction or purpose, and suddenly you start receiving phone calls from random people asking to "come together".

JAY OMEGA: Wow, jeez; I'd ask who shit in your corn flakes, but yeah, Grey kinda dropped a deuce on all of us, eh?

CENTURION(voiceover): I don't think you understand. She ruined the sendoff that the greatest Anarchy Champion of all time deserved. I'm ok with people kneecapping me, but when I have to come home and see that disappointment in Ruby's eyes everyday, it makes me want to put Sidney Grey into the largest hole on the planet and bury her in there.

JAY OMEGA: Okay, yeah, that's understandable. I totally get why you wouldn't want to help Sidney in any way. So help me instead.

CENTURION(voiceover): Help you?

JAY OMEGA: I want to win. The whole thing. Usually I'm just down for a good fight, but that's a given this weekend. So, I want to win.

CENTURION(voiceover): That's admirable, Jay, but you're forgetting who's running the ship...

JAY OMEGA: Hold on, I wasn't done. I know as well as you do that Sidney only picked you to fuck you over; she purposely tried to spike this team into the fuckin' dirt before we even got started. Can you think of anything in existence that would piss her off more than if you, me, and Vagabond pulled together, pulled through, and won War Games, not just without her, but in spite of her?

CENTURION(voiceover): Obviously, I've thought about that, but what you're suggesting is a lot more difficult than what it seems. We're going in basically a man down, and I doubt Vagabond is the kind of people that really get behind the "team spirit" of this event. So you're going to need to put together some kind of miracle...

JAY OMEGA: Good news; I've already talked to Vagabond, and he's on board. Now, there's a pre-show interview being set up; the three of us can meet up beforehand to touch base and lay out the basics of a plan. I figure if we can at least try to get on the same page, we'll have much better odds than what Vegas is offering right now.

CENTURION(voiceover): Those odds being?

JAY OMEGA: Let's just say our chances come in two sizes; fat, and slim. But I've beaten terrible odds before, and with your help, it can be done again. Regardless of whether or not I can bring Sidney around–

CENTURION(voiceover): Jay, I say this with all due respect - you have a better chance teaching an elephant to speak Mandarin than you do of getting Sidney onsides.

JAY OMEGA: Yeah, I know it's a tall order, but what did I just say about beating terrible odds? Anyway, regardless of whether or not she can be convinced to actually give a fuck about winning this thing, we have a shot, because we do give a fuck. I'll watch your back, you watch mine, we both watch Vagabond's; can I count on you?

CENTURION(voiceover): *sigh* I'll be there. Don't make me regret this.

JAY OMEGA: Bangarang! I'll see you at the interview, enjoy the rest of your week.

*Once more, Omega disconnects the call, and turns back toward us visibly happier.*

JAY OMEGA: Looks like things are coming together for Drunky Kong.

ALEX RICHARDS(off screen): Bad news on that front; I can't be your team's mascot.

JAY OMEGA: Thank– FUCK! Dude! You know the rules; pants on at all times at my place!

ALEX RICHARDS(off screen): They're still drying after you spilled the hirezake last night. But yeah, I can't be your mascot; I got a formal reprimand from A Literal Gorilla, for promoting negative simian stereotypes. Now I've gotta take a sensitivity training course run by Hot Dog the Pig. The XWF is so much weirder than WCF ever was; I love it!

JAY OMEGA: Glad you're enjoying yourself. I'm not enjoying the view, though; could you please go get dressed?

ALEX RICHARDS(off screen): Yeah, yeah. Make sure you save me some of that bacon!

JAY OMEGA: Well, that's something I can never forget. Much like my two embarrassing losses to Mark Flynn. Not that losing to Flynn is embarrassing, but rather, the ways they happened. I had such high hopes for Jaius Omegus, and he got punked out in less than thirty seconds. Then I put my faith in Jim Quinn, an out of shape stay at home dad who hadn't wrestled in nearly twenty years. Needless to say, we did not put on a clinic in tag team wrestling. Suffice it to say I'm looking to redeem myself, and I'm looking to do so on my own merit.

*The Omega Man lights his blunt and sits back on the couch, relaxing as he fills his lungs.*

JAY OMEGA: Mark raised a valid point, about me withering in the main event spotlight. Well, it's less withering, and more underperforming. I seem to have less success the higher up the card I move, and I have to wonder if it's actually due to the level of competition here, or if there's some lingering self-sabotage going on. See, despite earning title shots left and right, unlike the rest of you chrysophiles, I couldn't care less about belts. I flat out said that to Corey Smith, when I challenged for the Supercontinental title. Shit, even forming this tag team with Alex was just an excuse to get into shenanigans with my best friend.

*Jay hits the blunt hard, and exhales a cloud of off-white smoke to the side.*

JAY OMEGA: I dunno, maybe I've lost my killer instinct; maybe my ability to bring that hard shoot has softened. Or maybe I'm just more concerned with having a good time than racking up wins. Speaking of a good time, nice joke about the Tesla rocket, Mark. It's funny because I hang out with Nikola Tesla, I get it. Kinda low-hanging fruit, but I don't expect you to exercise your brain trying to come up with actual shit to say about me; I've never met anyone who works so hard at taking the easy way out. Seriously, Flynn, if you put half as much effort into actually being a good guy, instead of just trying to look like one, even the meanest, dirtiest, dumbest hobo would be singing your praises.

*Omega takes another draw, then ducks his head in concession.*

JAY OMEGA: Sorry, I shouldn't presume to know what Charlie Nickles would say.

*Jay takes another toke, then taps the ash into a crystal bowl on the table.*

JAY OMEGA: Before I get to the last of the Good-Bois, I'm gonna make one more call. Erin, you there?

E.R.I.N.(off screen): Always.

JAY OMEGA: Much as I like chatting with Dani, it's time to take a more direct route. Spoof Kenzi Grey-Lacklan's number and tap into Sidney's direct line; I'm betting she'll pick up if she thinks it's her daughter on the line.

*A second time we hear the sound of a phone ringing, answered almost immediately.*

SIDNEY GREY(voiceover): Darling! So good to hear from you!

JAY OMEGA: Sorry to trick you like that, Sid, but it's Jay Omega. It's about Xor-damned time I finally got a hold of you!
 
SIDNEY GREY(voiceover): Omega? GODDAMN IT! You talk to Dani if you want an audience with The King!
 
JAY OMEGA: Look, we don't have time for your royal bullshit, your haughty highness. About War Games–
 
SIDNEY GREY(voiceover): Jay, look…I know that you and I actually did have a bit of a connection during March Madness. You helped me with an issue…and that was very kind…but let’s not pretend that our relationship now is anything other than what I tell you it is! I’m The King of the XWF…I’ve been to the mountain top and you’re looking to cash in some favor…maybe looking to stab me in the fucking back? NO! 
 
JAY OMEGA: Me stab you in the back? What about me implies that I'm intending to do anything other than win this fucking match? You might have put this team together just to screw with us, but the joke's on you; while you've been busy finding the bottom of every bottle you come across, I've been coming up with a strategy to turn this shitshow into a viable team.
 
SIDNEY GREY(voiceover): So, that’s it! You looking to be the Captain now?
 
JAY OMEGA: Hey, somebody's gotta run this show, and you haven't shown a lot of interest thus far. I got Dani's message about that interview thing, and I managed to convince the others to show up; I assume you're not going to miss a chance to insert yourself into the spotlight?
 
SIDNEY GREY(voiceover): As if you three idiots could even figure out what goddamn camera to look at! I’ll show up, just to make fun of you morons!
 
JAY OMEGA: I'm sure I'd be insulted if I actually thought you meant that. I already sent Dani venue details; I'm not leaving that decision up to you, for my own sanity's sake. Just make sure you're there, and somewhat close to sober. Who knows, maybe we'll all be able to convince you to pull your head out of your ass long enough to work with us instead of against us.
 
SIDNEY GREY(voiceover): Jay, as always you manage to melt the cold cockles of my heart! Let it be known; on this day, The King’s heart grew three sizes bigger and she decided that she would help her ‘friend’ Jay Omega…just as long as he got her a date with the Television Champion! I mean…you can make that happen, right?  
 
JAY OMEGA: Uh, what?

SIDNEY GREY(voiceover): It's simple; you get me a date with Isaiah King, and I will deign to mingle with you peons long enough to win.

JAY OMEGA: I mean, I'll bring it up, sure–

*Sidney hangs up on Jay mid-sentence.*

JAY OMEGA: But I can't guarantee he'll be willing. Hello? Sidney? … Well fuck. So, uh, Isaiah… wanna go on a date with Sidney Grey? There, I upheld my end. Because I’m a good guy, Isaiah. Most of the time. Sure, I act out of self-interest a lot, but when the chips are down, you can count on Jay Omega to do the right thing. I’m the kind of guy a team of strangers and enemies can put their faith in to have their backs. I'm a noble warrior hero, who also likes to get shitfaced and fuck every willing woman within twelve parsecs. I'm the kind of guy who can take someone who's been talking shit, and earn their respect and admiration. Corey Smith, Sidney Grey, Bobby Bourbon; all top-tier talent who tried to tear me down. Now, Corey and I are drinking buddies, even though he doesn't drink. I'm maybe the only person in the world Sidney Grey can call a friend, for what that's worth. Bobby's just starting to come around, but he's a lot less ornery toward me than he was a few months ago.

*Omega takes another lungful of pot smoke, and taps the accumulated ash into the tray again.*

JAY OMEGA: I'm a lot of things, Isaiah; a good guy. A mercenary. A warrior. Both a lover, and a fighter. I'm a swashbuckling space hero, and a dashing interstellar ladies' man. I'm a team player, and a go-getter. I'm a fun-loving dude with a passion for this business. But above all else? I’m a survivor

*The Omega Man makes the cut motion, and the scene fades to black.*