Bobby Bourbon is seated with Genevieve Tote, his image consultant, at a local coffee shop. It’s a Starbucks. All the local coffee shops are Starbucks now.

Miss Tote, what about a nice charcuterie? Everybody loves charcuterie these days.

Mr. Bourbon, Sarah Lacklan is a vampire. She doesn’t care about charcuterie.

Blood sausage?

No, that’s not the same. Look, I don’t think you need to endear yourself to your team as much as you think, Mr. Bourbon. As a matter of fact…

Miss Tote is cut off by Bobby’s phone ringing. He slides it out of his pocket.



Bobby looks grumpily at the phone.

Do you need to take that call Mr. Bourbon?

Bobby swipes at the phone, answering it. There’s a pause before he says anything as he turns on the speakerphone.

Hello.

Et tu, Bobby? I saw your last promo.

You didn’t draft me!

I didn’t draft any-fucking-body! Goddamn Jimmy jumped in and picked Doc when I was about to pick you, plus, fuck, I’m stuck with Jenny Myst!

Bobby’s eyes widened.

I know, I saw, she cried about how the Xtreme Champ is working towards a briefcase, why the fuck did she come back, just to bitch about how things go? My team’s pretty solid, pretty sure we’re going to wipe the floor with our opponents, see you in the finals!

Yeah, about that shit, like, damn.

Bobby looks far less sullen.

Look, bro, you’ve got a squad, and King BOB, Dolly and Corey are nasty but fuck, if we could beat them, you and the old man can beat them and whoever else they have, including Dionysus and Unknown Soldier. But yeah, it sucks you got Jenny. How’s that?

Well, I told her we were chipped by Miss Fury.

Bobby smirks.

I know, I helped design the chips, I’m the one with the mad science degree.

You fucking knew and didn’t tell me?

I didn’t have to, those weren’t tracking chips, they were birth control, so congrats, for three months none of us were getting pregnant. It's why our nipples kept getting so sore for a while. Fury couldn’t figure out the schematics, she just said “make this thing” so I made whatever I wanted and told her what she wanted to hear. Could you me a favor?

You want a favor after what you said?

Don’t tell Jenny. Let her think it’s a tracking chip, and with some luck she’ll never get preggers.

Bet. Smart.

So, uh, I gotta admit, I’m at a loss, I’m tryna find a way to impress my teammates.

Well, I gotta go, you know how it goes.

But, what about impressing the people I’m working with?

What the fuck did you ever do so special that I was glad to be your partner?

Bobby chuckles. Miss Tote seems pleased to see Bobby in brighter spirits.

Me? We just whooped ass together and it stuck!

Exactly. Later.

Later, bro.

Bobby looks content and relaxed as he slides his phone into his pocket. Genevieve looks at him bemused.

Mr. Bourbon, speakerphone in public is not a good look, are you geriatric?

Bobby shakes his head.

Nah, that was for the people.

Okay. Well, it seems that Mr. Knuckles has an idea that makes sense.

TK? Well, sometimes he makes sense. He doesn’t get this crowd.

Suddenly, a look of dread overcomes Bobby.

Shit.

Mr. Bourbon, what’s the problem?

Well, Miss Tote, if I say something, I gotta live it, otherwise what is my word?

Genevieve swiftly nods.

I get that, Mr. Bourbon, it’s integrity.

Well, I told Mark Flynn as long as he was Xtreme Champion, I wouldn’t let anyone pin him!

Point being?

Flynn is in War Games, if he gets pinned, he loses his Xtreme Title. So, uh, I gotta make it to the finals of War Games now just to ensure Mark doesn’t lose it there!

What if he loses it in the first round?

Pfft. Fat chance. Sid’s team is doomed. If it weren’t for Raion Kido she would be the most inexplicable loss of my career.

Genevieve looks very happy.

I love how simple you are, Mr. Bourbon. Even when nothing has gone your way, your first thought is how to protect someone.

Bobby looks back at Genevieve.

Miss Tote, I am as simple as a mountain. You see me, you can climb over, you can dig under, you can move around, but what you will not do is move me a fucking inch.

Damn right, Mr. Bourbon. On that note, I am glad that I have lined something up that’s perfect for your image!

Oh? What’s that?

You’re going to read to children!

Bobby furrows his brow.

What, like those Peter Gilmour transcripts?

No, Mr. Bourbon, reading Peter Gilmour to children wouldn’t enhance your image.



We see Bobby, calmly sitting in some airport bar with a burger in front of him.

Raion Kido said I was just like Lacklan.

My partner.

Well, yeah, we’re bigger box office draws than he is. And yeah, I told Sarah to stay out of my way in a match leading up to War Games because roughing up my Captain before War Games would be counterintuitive, and Sarah gets that, why can’t you?

Is it because you don’t speak English natively? Damn, you probably missed the nuance and meaning, and timing, and intent.

Bobby rolls his eyes, smirking.

Here, Raion, I’ll do you a solid. Everybody, the whole XWF, we should start talking like we would to a toddler so Raion doesn’t get lost, or at least have an excuse for his sociopathic bullshit.

By the way, have fun gaslighting Noah. I mean, you are right, I have lost to you, very recently, and it seems like a billion times, but I can do this shit all day, keep striking away at me all you want, motherfucker, I’m still here, and the company I keep sure tops yours.

There seems to be no intensity to the frank, even way Bobby utilizes brutal honesty.

Your partner, Vita? Well, she said it herself.

She expected to be on my team. And fuck, two vampires and the American Frankenstein repping a giant spider sounds like what goth chicks masterbate to. Nobody masturbates to Raion Kido, he’s busy jerking himself off. Bring that lightning of yours, please, it does a Frankenstein good.

Your other partner, Angie? She even had nothing but kind things to say about me, and you know what? It’s noted, Angie. I don’t want to be a part of a family squabble, I think it’s a shame that sometimes in our business, blood has to deal with blood. Thank you for giving credit to many of my other fantastically named moves that, well, nobody else had the gall to do, or the ability.

Ozzy? Brother, any other night, and you know it, I got you, but, damn, I still have a bitter taste in my mouth about last year, and now you’re passing the blame onto me? You proved being a Captain isn’t for everyone.

However, Mr. Kido, as far as your hometown claims go, Raion, nah. This is War Games, and that structure is my world, and I don’t care if you were grown there or flown there, you can get eliminated like anybody else.

That said, there’s a whole wide world out there past you.

Nedly, I’m pulling for you, bud, I really am! I mean, Crash is having his coming out party and you’re right there on the red carpet with him, Flynn is the unbeatable Xtreme Champion as long as I have life in my lungs, and all the love in the world to Isaiah King, who’s probably a bit pissed about losing that TV Title. Sid, no offense, I have no hate in my heart towards you, Jay Omega’s not a bad dude, even if I gotta ignore what he says about me to feel as such but he’s Canadian, they’re not the brightest, and I respect Vagabond. Also, as sweet as it is to pick up Cent and try to carry him over a hump he’s never gotten over in the XWF, well, my word is my word. If any of you somehow pin Flynn, well, I’m calling you out now first thing after War Games, and I’ma hand the belt right back to the man, because that’s the kind of integrity I’m all about.

Then, shit. As much as it pains me to see Angie and Sarah have to go up against each other, Dolly, my sister-in-arms, and TK, my brother-in-arms, my family are facing each other now. Dolly is comfortable with Corey, and if you thought Vita and Noah had a history, well, Dolly and Corey are another fine example of why I don’t date coworkers. They have none other than THE Unknown Soldier, and it’s great to see he still trots himself out there once a year, even if he’s a second rate Morbid Angel, and Dionysus, arguably the most must see champion in the company right now. TK got saddled with “Never Missed” Jenny Myst and her penchant for buying Halloween decorations in bulk on Wish. Mad Dog? I like Mad Dog, shit, I want to visit a sports bar with the guy, eating every last wing in the building while drinking cheap American beer. Seriously, TK, give the guy my number, we’ll go to Monongalia County Ballpark and try not to swoon over a couple coal miner’s daughters after watching Mountaineers Baseball.

But the old man.

Bobby takes a long drawn breath.

I don’t know what bullshit that was you pulled last Warfare, I don’t know what bullshit that was you pulled with Jimmy, but we all saw the bullshit you tried to pull with Mark and that batshit motherfucker outfoxed you and your parlor tricks.

Shit, old man, what exactly did Alias take away from you, your balls or your facade?



We see a wide expanse of verdant farmland. The camera pans and we see a massive slaughterhouse, with a doofy looking farmer standing in front. The camera zooms in on him.

Howdy folks, I’m Homer Pigdickler.

Sweet country music starts to play.

At Pigdickler farms, we know that summer is right around the corner, and that means barbecues. It’s right around Memorial Day, and in honor to our veterans we are proud to offer a military discount. You have fought in Iraq, and Afghanistan, and stood up for our freedom, unless you just enlisted and joined the Space Force to shoot down potential nukes with a satellite, which, hey, is as American as chitterlings. That’s right, folks, the finest pig intestines, fresh from the farm and complete with leftover poopies from the piggies themselves inside. Well, if you order from our website, or even join our exciting new subscription sweet meats delivery service, if you're a current or former member of our armed services, enjoy 3% off of every order! Go to eatpigdickler.com today and see the bounty of savings you joined the military for!

Mr. Pigdickler walks a few paces, and is surrounded by young people in graduation caps and gowns.

Of course, we also want to congratulate the class of 2023! You’ve had a rough go of it, what with “the Covid” and all, not being able to even go to classes in person, kind of proving that modern municipal school buildings are more about social interaction and refinement rather than learning, and what better way to get that graduation party really going and making it memorable than liver! You’re celebrating how you have your whole life ahead of you, so why not celebrate with nice, lean protein that’s rich in iron too. While your neighbors might be throwing down with steaks, or those nasty filthy sea cockroaches and spiders you call lobster and crabs, you’ll be chowing down on good, honest, no frills innards.

Homer walks a few more paces, and finds himself surrounded by a gaggle of homely people that look just like him. They look like lean, hard-lived, meat-eating Santas.

And who could forget Father’s day? With my family here, I know I couldn’t. My four daughters, Dorothy, Rose, Blanche, and Sophia, and my three sons, Manny, Moe, and Jack, always try to make my day special on the second Sunday in June by spending my money on me for a change. Well, shucks, they know I don’t wear ties, and they’ll never buy me the blowjob machine I have on my Amazon wishlist no matter what, but they do know what to get me for Father’s day; tongue. All my children give their daddy the gift of tongue on Father’s day, and you can too! Beef tongue is a delicacy, but have you ever tried goat tongue? It’s fantastic. Heck, I have three sheep tongues, a deer tongue, and one of those giraffe tongues in my smoker right now, and we’re going to be tonguing all day!

A rotund woman on a Rascal roves into the screen. She looks like she’s out of breath from just riding the scooter.

I want some tongue. It’s good for my gout.

Homer puts his arm around his wife and waves, very proud of his wife.

Pigdickler Farms. It’s what’s inside that counts!



We find an adorable children’s library, complete with vibrant colors, drawings and other art done by children, and comfy looking chairs everywhere. A group of children, all looking adorable and sweet, sit on the floor waiting as there’s an empty chair in front of them. Bobby Bourbon walks in, dressed like a woman.



Bobby smiles and waves at the kids, who wave back, as Genevieve approaches Bobby, keeping her tones hushed so as not to alarm anyone.

Mr. Bourbon, why the hell are you in drag?

I’m reading to kids, I thought those were the rules ever since Bush heard about 9/11 while reading to kids, you only read to kids in drag.

What? That’s not at all correct.

Well, my dress size didn’t come cheap, this was a custom tailored outfit, Miss Tote, and I lost the receipt!

Bobby walks past Miss Tote, who frantically looks at her tablet. Bobby sits down in front of the kids.

Hi, kids!

One of the children speaks up.

“Why are you dressed like a lady?”

Well, you see, it’s what happens when you read to a bunch of children. Have any of you ever heard of John Cleese?

The kids all echo in unison.

“No.”

Well, John Cleese is a very funny man, and he and his friends used to dress in drag all the time on TV, and it was funny! Have you ever heard of The Kids in the Hall?

“No.”

“Who’s in the hall?”

They were also a group of really funny guys who dressed up like women! Now, though, that stuff is serious business, nobody is laughing at RuPaul’s Drag Race!

“Who’s RuPaul?”

Oh, charming, but not as flat out hilarious as John Cleese. The point is, sometimes men dress like women, and that’s okay, you don’t have to.

“You’re not pretty!”

That’s not nice.

“Sorry.”

Thank you. Well, I didn’t know what to read, so I brought this.

Bobby holds up his phone. It starts to speak, in the soothing voice of none other than Jeffrey Dean Morgan, TV's Negan.

The Bridges of Madison County.

By Robert James Waller.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan begins reading aloud the Bridges of Madison County. The kids all start to boo as Miss Tote facepalms. Bobby stops his phone.

What’s wrong? The Bridges of Madison County is a contemporary classic, and I’ve never heard it!

“You’re supposed to read!”

I brought an audiobook! You don’t want a book on tape?

The children laugh.

“No!”

Bobby cheekily smiles at the rest of the kids in the room as Miss Tote looks on at her client, the biggest kid in the room.

Okay, okay, well, I brought my favorite story from when I was little, can I read that?

“YES!”

Bobby reaches under his seat and pulls out none other than Harold and the Purple Crayon. Before he can begin reading, a man in a polo shirt and khaki pants storms into the room.

This is wrong! How dare you poison children like this?

Bobby’s gaze narrows at this guy. Who would disrupt someone reading to kids?

You don’t approve of Harold and the Purple Crayon?

No, I don’t approve of you! You’re a pervert trying to condition and groom these children!

Bobby stands up?

I’m a guy in a dress reading Harold in the Purple Crayon, you think that’s kinky?

I do!

You think I look hot?

You’re not my type pal, I prefer the real thing.

Oh I’m real, I promise, I’m not made up!

The children laugh.

You need to leave here now, this is completely unacceptable.

Bobby looks at the rest of the kids.

Kids, do you watch wrestling?

“Yes!”

“You’re Bobby Bourbon!”

Right!

Oh, wrestling, even more immorality! If these kids weren’t here, I’d have half a mind to beat you senseless, you’re a sham!

Bobby drops the book on the floor flippantly. His eyes settle on the prey brought before him by the Bastard Father.

Oh, you're gonna learn today!

Bobby walks confidently up to the interloping fool who interrupted story time to politicize it. With a boot to the gut, the guy is doubled over, and in a flash, Bobby hoists the guy sky high, bringing him back down with a massive Bobbybomb onto a rolling book cart! The hater gasps in pain.

My legs! I can’t feel my legs!

Bobby walks over, stoops low, gracefully not exposing himself while in a skirt, and places a hand on the man’s knee.

Huh. Well, I can feel them, and if it helps, you’re not missing out.

Bobby stands and turns to the kids who love every second of this.

So, kids, what did we just learn?

“Fuck around and find out!”

Right!