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Lacklan · (05-27-2023)

Dearest J.M.

I hope this letter finds you well. Though, let’s be honest, I hope this letter finds you at all! I have sent, like a dozen since you and Dolly had your little tiff, and…well…I haven’t had any of those pigeons return. I ASSUME they haven’t been able to find you…and NOT that they HAVE and you snacked on them while reading, because we HAVE been through that…

N-E-Ways, I am totes glad you’re back, obvs. Mind you, I DO wish you had smartened up your bestest buddy in the whole wide world about your return…the dolls with Xs for eyes were a TOUCH melodramatic…but I also understand and appreciate the pomp. I’m all FOR pomp, obvs. I had half-wondered if you were going to be the mystery entrant, ya know. The Mystery666, or whatever, was clearly that mind-numbingly dumb Soldier, of course; he was literally at the very bottom of my draft list. Your mystery entrant was only somewhere near the middle, though, because while I DID have that suspicion, I would hate to have been wrong and it end up being something insanely stupid like Chuckles, or some such. You understand, obvs.

Since you’ve been gone, there’s been a mix of same shit, different day and some other new stuffs.

SSDD:

~Kido still wins matches far above his ability and body of promotional work for some reason~

~Kned still sucks (make sure you add a silent ‘K’ when writing his name now, btw, he hates that…oh! And we totes call his three fans “Knedophiles,” because, like, “pedophile,” get it?! LOL!)~

~Gravy’s gone through more versions of himself than even Omega can keep track of~

~Centurion is still a walking, talking living dead who is leaching the life out of Rubes~

~Dolly (you know her) is still doing lots of witchy things, but she’s totes ghosted me for, like, months, so honestly I don’t know what’s up with her; maybe you can ask her for me?~

~Corey’s still a virgin (LOL!)~

~T.K.’s still awesome~

~Doc’s doing Doc things…thankfully NOT in a Thad jerkoff video sesh that no one watches, so he’ll axly, like, be his awesome self~

~Flynn’s still cutting corners to get shit produced under time restraints, but he’s a lovable scamp, so everyone just kinda looks away and ignores his cheating and skirting of the rules everyone else has to follow. LOL!~

~Jolene is still a dumb hoe…and that’s literally the extent of Vagabond’s relevance~

~The Bobbybomb STILL hurts~

~Lexi (you remember her) is still split from that dumbdumb Elijah (thank Baby Jesus)~

~The other day, while I was visiting a friend in a rival promotion, I got a ping on my SWEET Windows Phone that said that Noah went to three time-limit draws with Generic Heel, Big Preesh, and three or four of the Raab Clan at some house shows we didn’t know about, so nothing new there, really~

~Vita is still, like, supes amazeballs, AND she still needs to focus, of course~

And then some slightly different things:

~Omega (you remember him from my earlier mention of what has become RoboGravy) found a tag partner that wasn’t just a stupid version of himself. But he sucks, too, so…ya know~

~Dio (the wine dude, not the dead singer, obvs) is proving himself to be pretty danged good, even got that TV strap the other day…watch out for him!~

~I don’t think Mad Dog works here, anymore? Like…weird pick by T.K., tbh. You might need to call in a favor, or something, and get a replacement for your team, fyi~

~King’s still good…but…er…my Mumsie-In-Law made up some printed panties with his face, like, everywhere, and that’s probs the grossest new thing around right now…~

~Speaking of her, said Mumsie-In-Law (that’s Sidney, in case it wasn’t clear; she’s my Beloved’s hateful AND hated momma) made everyone look stupid when they made fun of her for being a shit person…which she is, obvs…and equated that with her being a shit wrestler…which she’s not, even at her very very very venerable age…and won the Queendom AND the Universal in one shot…before falling prey to #KidoWinsLOL~

~(Insert Name of Group HERE) brought in Crash to support their numbers, or something, but I haven’t cared enough to axly figure out which group/stable/thing he’s in~

~Oswald is now Ozedius Maximus, or some dumb shit, so I’m sure THAT will go over just as well as his OTHER dumb shit has~

~My sister Angelica (you remember her) has proven to the entire company that she’s not just some hanger-on being pulled by Big Sissy, and

“Whatcha’ doin’?”

“GAH!”

"HHHRRRĞĞĞĞĞĞHH"

Sarah Grey-Lacklan dropped her feathered pen, nearly tipping over the accompanying bottle of ink at the same time, as Angelica Vaughn’s face appeared next to hers. Sarah turned her head slightly, the small movement nearly enough to touch Angelica’s in the closed space, and fought to control her face.

“Writing a letter, what does it look like?”

Angelica chewed her lip, one of the habits that had become synonymous with the two, and leaned in closer toward the letter.

“Strongly-worded, I bet. Who is it-”

“Ce n'est pas pour tu!”

"HHHRRRĞĞĞĞĞĞHH"

Sarah snapped at Angelica and pulled away shielding the words from her sister’s eyes. Angelica narrowed those eyes for a moment.

“... tu es grossier…”

Sarah’s own eyes narrowed.

”Ton VISAGE est grossier!”

Angelica scowled at Sarah and-

"HHHRRRĞĞĞĞĞĞHH"

“JESUS, Beloved!”

“She said she DIDN’T snore!”

The sisters turned their glares to Kenzi Grey-Lacklan. Leaning against the window of the plane, Kenzi’s mouth was agape, a small sheen of drool trailing down her chin.

"HHHRRRĞĞĞĞĞĞHH"

Sarah nudged her with an elbow but the caramel starlet didn’t budge. She sighed in disgust and turned back towards her sister, but Angelica was no longer there. A quick glance back showed that the Bangor-to-Vancouver-to-Texas-to-Bangor resident had retreated to her seat and put on her dumb Helly Kitty headphones to escape Kenzi’s explosive snoring. Sarah sighed in relief and turned back to-

She jumped as her seat leached forward. She growled as she reset her writing implements on her tray. It was not exactly the first time in the last few hours that Angie’s unnecessarily long legs had bumped her chair with their knobby knees, nor would it likely be the last. Sarah had made sure they had separate flights, but Angelica had called Bangor International and had her flight changed, assuming it was a mistake. Of COURSE they were going to fly together, obvs. Because, apparently, being taggie team partners meant every moment of every day with each other and-

“Wasurete ita-”

Sarah growled as Angelica started her next cat-themed anime on the flight, put on her own set of headphones, and turned back to her letter.

found her own measure of success. I mean…sure…all of that success this calendar year has been alongside me…we’re three and two as a team and I seem to be the only one who axly gets the win in those scenarios….AND those three wins amount for ALL of Angie’s wins outside of a first round gimme in the March Madness tournament….just imagine if one of US got a silent, clueless, forgettable opponent instead of top tier competition!

N-E-Ways, the point is that, across the XWF, there has been a blend of peeps doing and saying the same shit they always do, and some change and growth mixed in. And, just between us pigeons, that’s a good thing! We NEED a blend of stability AND change! If we want to change the world, if we want to be the shining light and example for the world, we need to give them that blend of traditional values with the ability to grow and adapt. You’ll notice that your envelope…and any others you may have gotten, but, again, I assume NONE have gotten to you since I haven’t received any responses, obvs…includes some brochures on the Path of the Light Church.

Think of it, Jen! Think of how GREAT the entire WORLD could be if all the dummies would just LISTEN to us and bask in our glory! Imagine a world where, rightfully, we were governed by the tenants of God’s favorite sport, tenants that espouse the importance of fair play, rules as written, equality, and praise and adoration for excellence. The Path of the Light is all about that. Yes yes, there have been SOME people within the House of Lacklan who have been…well…let’s go with a teensy-eensy lil’ bit unkind...with how they have phrased and pitched the idea, but that’s not important. What’s IMPORTANT is that we of the Path understand not only that we ARE God’s Chosen, that we ARE the shining light of example for the rest of the world to mold themselves after forevermore, but we know HOW to both model AND sell the idea! Since the day I turned pro in 2017, I have walked that proverbial walk, dazzling like the world’s most cleavaged diamond EVER, in front of sold out arenas across the globe, PROVING the power and effectiveness of the Path. And, over the last handful of those years, I have endeavored to not just do it alone, to not just be the LONE sparkling diamond, but to do so with a cadre of friends and family who, with me, have the ability to change the world.

There is much of War Games that is represented by this ideal. Last year, I totes planned on shaking the foundation of the XWF by assembling a team consisting of Angelica, Vita, Dolly, and you, and, in the scenario that we would have teams of five, conning Vinnie into letting me lace up by XWF boots again, but that didn’t pan out. I needed more time away, more time to heal, more time to DEAL, and that War Games plan dissolved into the vapid nothingness normally reserved for statistical accuracy within Kido promotional statements. Just think of that team, Jen! Think of the POWER and INFLUENCE we would have had! It would have, without question, been the first-ever survival of an entire War Games team.

This year, I had a similar plan, but issue after issue got in the way. You disappeared. Both Angelica and Dolly were made captains. And backup possibilities {like Rubes who, despite what you may or may not have seen in a recent Centurian promotional video, is absolutely, 100% still riding in my Wheelchair (OF DOOM~!) and not perfectly healthy like absolutely nothing happened in recent memory, obvs} dwindled quickly. YOU were still gone (though, see my aforementioned correct guess that you WERE the mystery entrant) and SOMEONE took Vita like a giant bit

Exhausted and travel-worn, Sarah nonetheless smiled at the throng of Fang Gang members who had met her at the airport and followed her and Kenzi throughout. They had come with food for the duo, from Kenzi’s favorite pocky to a fresh dragon roll for Sarah, along with an entire catalog of materials to sign. They signed everything presented, of course, from posters to t-shirts, to Kenzi’s CDs, even to an old #IStandWithSarah armband from UKWF. While Maine and New England were solid Lacklan Country, and Sarah was popular in both Texas and Illinois from extensive work, she was also very popular in Japan. Unfortunately, so was-

“VAUGHEMOUS!”

Sarah sighed.

“WATASHI GA MAMORIMASU!”

There had been many cries of “BURADDO PURINSESU,” of course, but there always seemed to be someone wanting their Hello Kitty shirt signed. Mostly cute boys, too. Not that Angelica even noticed. But the worst had been at the car rental.

“What do you MEAN my car isn’t ready?!”

She was too tired to deal with this nonsense. HER car had, apparently, been in an unfortunate incident involving the latest Universal Soldier snuff film to parade itself as a promotional video, and wasn’t ready. And the clerk was some useless anime fanboy who couldn’t figure out what to do and-

“It’s okay, Sar-Sar! We can share!”

Sarah closed her eyes and let out a long breath before putting on a fresh Billion $$$ Smile and turning around.

“No no, it’s fine, I-”

“Dibs!”

Sarah’s eyes grew wide as Angie opened the driver-side door.

“Woah woah woah! I always drive!”

“Car’s under my name, I drive. Them’s the rules!”

Kenzi shrugged and started putting their bags in the trunk.

“This isn’t a tractor! You drive as slow as Knedward takes to get to a point!”

“Can’t hear you, starting the car!”

“THIS IS LITERALLY AS BAD AS YOU STEALING VITA YOU-”

ch. And believe you me, outside of her annoyingly sweet and genuinely pleasant exterior, that SOMEONE can absolUTELY be one of those!

Did I ever tell you the origin of the Sarah/Angelica tag team name? See, within the #CoolKids (thank you for always saying ‘hashtag,’ btw, hate when lame talking heads on podcasts forget it), every duo has a name that befits our particular interpersonal relationships. Check it:

Sarah+Roxy=Bully Sisters - For obvious reasons. Like, remember that time we shoved Ruby in her locker? That was great.

Kenzi+Angelica=Puss n’ Boots - Angie only THINKS this is about kitties, but we know better!

Roxy+Angelica=RoxAng - I spent, like, six months calling Roxy ‘Roxanne’ and it drove her NUTS. Now think of the Police singing this tag name. ROOOOOOOXANNNNNG!

Roxy+Kenzi=Clear Connection - While part of me still goes “grrrrrr,” Rox introduced Kenzi to Scientology and she has been ‘clear’ ever since, so I am at least somewhat thankful.

Sarah+Kenzi=5’2” Mafia/Team Kickass - Kickass because we’ve been taggie team champs in three different companies, BAY-BAY!

Sarah+Angelica=Team 👠💩⬆️ - Heel Shit Up. Why? It’s a portmanteau of two things: “Shit Up,” which is still totes a thing, btw, and “Heel Shit,” which is something Kenzi, Roxy, and I joke about when it comes to my sister.

Angelica IS the sweetest, nicest person in the world. She is earnest and honest when it comes to her worldview: People are good.

But.

She is a Lacklan. And while there are a shockingly large amount of people who think something dumb like we’re cousins or adopted or found family despite how many times we’ve literally said we’re blood related (not you, obvs, you’re not a dumb-dumb like SOME PEOPLE), the fact is that Angelica and I share half our blood, half our DNA. While my birth mother was a beautiful, kind, artistic, and some say psychic, woman full of wonder and joy…and Angelica’s was some dirty scullery maid, or something, that apparently is really good at seduction….we share a father. That father, the “SOMEONE” I mentioned before who could be a lil’ bit mean in the hows and whys of the Path of the Light, could be loving, giving, and warm. And he could also be an absolute d-bag to those who got in his way or disagreed with God’s wrestling preferences. And while I didn’t get his height or eyes…I DID get the hair, so that’s coolio…both Angelica and I got that conviction from him. But while I can be…well…a LITTLE loud in my expression of it…sometimes…Angelica seems to be blithely unaware of this trait, but it certainly came out when she stole Vita from me.

I love Vita, as much as I love you, Dolly, or Ruby. She is extremely talented and has a drive for success matched by few. All she needs is direction, focus. And I was set up to provide her that direction, to once again be the object of her loving adoration and hero worship, but then Angelica swooped in with a dive so swift as to make any vulture jealous. And she didn’t even NOTICE what she did. She RUINED months and months of planning just by EXISTING. And the ONLY reason she was able to MAKE that pick was because I was BETTER than her!

I should have counted on that. I know my sister better than she knows herself. I know what she’s going to do and say, how she’s going to act. I KNOW that she’s going to get everyone together and treat them as equals. I KNOW she’s going to overly praise their positive traits and ignore their negative. I KNOW she’s going to pass up opportunities to provide accurate and helpful criticism that would make her team better. I KNOW she’s going to give everything she has and sacrifice herself for a greater “good” that won’t ever support her.

I love her.

But there is a reason why she’s found so little actual success within the XWF despite her record elsewhere.

“What do you MEAN that our room isn’t ready?!

The day would never end. At their hotel, their home for the week, the place where they had honeymooned those years ago, where she had won the Universal Championship, where SO MUCH of their life had been, and now THIS. FIRST the car and now, APPARENTLY, their room was thrashed because the Generic Heel had held a party the night before and BABYMETAL showed up and-

She quit listening at that point. They were given a new room on the same floor. They lugged their luggage up and into the room. They shut the door. They-

“Wowsers! We have an adjoining door, Sis!”

Sarah’s hands shook hard enough to make her body tremble as Angelica walked through said adjoining door.

“Abs coolio they put us right next to each other!”

Angelica’s eyes grew wide.

“Let’s build the coolest couch fort EVER!”

Sarah closed her eyes and groaned as she turned and scampered away.

I hope to see you in the finals, Jen. I hope you persevere, work WITH your team, and face me before night’s end. Because I WILL be there. Ozzy is busy on Version #3436; Kido’s success comes in spite of his bland unremarkableness (I MIGHT have just made up that word), Vita will be too busy drooling over Noah (they’ve probs already banged three times since I started this letter, tbh), and THIS Angelica cannot defeat XWF Sarah.

Ever.

Let’s do lunch, yeah?

I remain THE gothest of poshes:

S.S.G-L

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