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Lacklan · (05-03-2023)

“I’m sad.”

Is this you? Are you constantly in a state of crying like a whittle baby because of (INSERT BULLSHIT REASON HERE!!!) and you want everyone to have sympathy for you? Do you treat every single misstep, mistake, or failure in your life to be a tragedy so great that Steinbeck wishes he could come back to life and rewrite his works to be Of Mice and Kned or The Log from the Sea of Kned? Then you probably need the NEWEST product from Goth Drops:

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“VITA!”

Vita Valenteen’s entire body froze mid-stride, the stop so sudden that the papers flew out of her hands and fell to the floor in a shower. She dared not to breathe, not to move a single muscle, in hopes that she would go unnoticed. Unfortunately for her attempt at stealth, regardless of the thick-ass glasses on her face, Sarah Lacklan was a raptor, not a t-rex.

“I have been looking EVERYWHERE for you!”

Vita closed her eyes, breathed in deep, and let out a long, slow breath. She’d been hiding in plain sight for months, and had thrown her off the trail as the Atomic Bat the last few weeks, but apparently the gig was up. She forced a smile on her face as she turned around.

“Sar! What a sur-”

She “OOOPH!”’d as Sarah slammed into her and squeezed the life out of her with a hug.

“Oh Em Gee, you have NO IDEA how much I’ve missed you!”

Vita felt her life return as Sarah let her go. Sarah’s face beamed with that massive smile of hers that gleamed with sharp and ritualistically cleaned teeth.

“Imagine my surprise when I came her to cut some commercials…my skills are in CRAXY demand right now, let me tell you…and I saw your bubbly butt bouncing around!”

Vita flushed slightly at Sarah’s comment on her rear.

“Well…um…I’ve been an intern here for a while, and-”

“Ugh!”

Sarah’s face was full of disgust as she looked around.

“I can’t imagine being an intern at the XWF floating headquarters. Hey! I’ve got a big match coming up. You free to train a bit?”

Vita shook her head.

“I…um...don’t have my gear, and-”

Sarah cut her off with a waved hand.

“Oh pish posh, you can borrow some of mine.”

She smirked.

“Not like you haven’t wanted to get into my tights for literally years.”

Vita’s flush surged up her entire head and into the shade of a ripe tomato.

“Er-”

Sarah’s eyes narrowed and she leaned in close to Vita. She sniffed and shivered.

“Ugh…you’ve been sleeping with Noah again, haven’t you?”

Vita’s ripe tomato turned into the corona of a thousand suns. Which just made Sarah laugh.

“Come come! Not like THAT happens much with Monsieur Cunt!”

Vita couldn’t even find the words to protest as Sarah dragged her away.

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“Harder, damnit!”

Vita narrowed her eyes as Sarah made demands, but she wasn’t going to be outdone. She did, indeed, synch in the hold harder. Sarah issued a scream that turned into a growl from underneath her, locked in the sasori-gatame, and while Vita allowed herself a smug smile, her eyes popped open as her friend somehow got ahold of her foot and started twisting. She yelped as the pain coursed through her ankle and she let go of the hold, Sarah’s crossed knees falling away. She pushed herself up to her feet and spun, ready to go on the defensive, but Sarah mirrored her, both in the same pose of readiness.

“You look good.”

Vita felt herself flush again as Sarah winked. Sarah was wearing her current wrestling gear, a black bodysuit with spiderweb designs, but Vita was wearing Sarah’s old green and gold suit that cut off at the legs and arms, “the one I outswam a helicopter in! Do you remember that?”

Yes, she remembered.

Her fingers danced at that memory.

Sarah squawked in surprise as Vita shot in and tried to turn away, but Vita successfully slipped behind her with the rear reverse and, with a lift, brought her up and down with a Greco Roman takedown. Sarah scrambled underneath her, successfully pulling away, but a “RIIIIIIP!” pierced the air of the XWF training facility deep within the floating continent that was their headquarters and a piece of Sarah’s bodysuit came off in Vita’s hand. Vita stared at it for a moment, a smirk coming to her own face, but then her face froze when her eyes moved back to Sarah. The rip exposed Sarah’s stomach, hard and rippled, but also showing the two small scars.

Sarah froze, too.

“Sorry, Sar, I didn’t-”

Sarah silenced her with a raised hand while the other reached out and lightly touched the scars. She looked up at her after several moments with wet in her eyes.

“Are we ready to talk?”

Vita hesitated for just a moment before she nodded.

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“I was in a lot of pain…was sick all the time…always tired…”

Vita and Sarah sat on the floor of the XWF training ring, deep within the canonical floating castle that was their headquarters. The sweat from their training had cooled onto their foreheads, solidifying and tugging at their skin. They held hands as Sarah looked down and recounted her tale.

“I didn’t know what to tell anyone. I felt like an utter failure. My one biological job in life and I couldn’t do it, and instead of explaining to you two, instead of supporting you, I ghosted as hard as Thad whenever he doesn’t get his way.”

“Sar, it’s okay, I-”

“No, it’s not!”

Vita flinched from Sarah’s sudden outburst.

“Listen, I’ve legit apologized to, like, three peeps in my life, okay? Father, Mother, and Mackenzie. And now to you and Dolly, so shit up and listen!”

Vita blinked.

“‘Shit up?’”

Sarah waved away the question.

“It’s a thing. N-E-Ways, the point is that, if I’m going to change the world through wrestling, proper wrestling with rules and regulations to make God happy, then I need to do a better job of supporting those I love and hold in high esteem. I’m back…whether or not I should be…to be a better person overall…and a better teammate and friend specifically.”

Sarah squeezed Vita’s hand and leaned in closer so their faces were nearly touching.

“Vita, I love you and Dolly as much as my own blood. I let you two down to the point where you’re stuck in this rat trap without the joy of wrestling, and Dolly’s in the middle of a hoodlum emotional gangbang. That is MY fault. I apologize and seek your forgiveness. Do you forgive me?”

Vita didn’t hesitate this time when she nodded.

Have you found yourself hanging out on the wrong side of the street? Are you surrounded by hoodlums, miscreants, and other manners of ne’er-do-wells? Have you bounced around from shitty friend after shitty friend AFTER SHITTY FRIEND NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOUR MOTHER TELLS YOU TO DO OTHERWISE?!

………………………….

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“I need you, Vita.”

Vita found herself blinking again as she finished stuffing the used ring gear into Sarah’s bag. Her finger lingered over the diamond dust pressed into the hem of the shorts…of course Sarah hadn’t been exaggerating about her dumb gear all these years…before turning back to her. Sarah’s face, freshly washed after their session together, was sharp yet haggard; Vita had seen how deep the bags were around Sarah’s eyes, when they would go deep into a match, but it was still startling to see them. There had indeed been a lot of pain in Sarah’s life the last few years, and it showed on her face without her usual heavy makeup to cover it up.

“What do you mean?”

Sarah ticked off her fingers.

“My wife? Retired. My sister and ward? Both captains. My best friend? Riding around in my Wheelchair (OF DOOM!) like she’s Professor freakin’ X.”

She shook her head disgustedly.

“We haven’t always seen eye-to-eye, it’s true. But I respect you. I call you friend. And very few get that. But more important?”

She reached up and took Vita’s shoulders.

“You’re my greatest rival. I need YOU to be my first round draft pick.”

Vita’s mind reeled, for more reasons than one.

“I…um…I don’t have a valid wrestling license.”

Sarah let out a sigh.

“I’m sorry to hear that. But…still…if you could somehow swing it…rush the paperwork through…please, consider it.”

Vita nodded.

…………………………

………………………………………..

…………………………………………………….I’m not reading this.

Miss Lacklan?

It’s Missus, thank you so much. And I didn’t write this swill, so I’m not going to read it.

Well, Missus, you didn’t write anything for Angie.

It’s Angelica. I really wish you people would stop trying to be familiar with her. It literally says “Angelica” on every piece of paperwork she has submitted.

Listen, Missus Lacklan, we contracted you to make commercials for all of your fellow Captains, and since you didn’t submit any material for Angelica, we wrote something ourselves.

But it’s all lies, Mr. Producer! A hanger-on? Can’t figure out the XWF style and atmosphere? Too distracted by her 27 other pursuits? Is single-handedly besmirching my aura within the XWF by dragging me down in a listless tag team? Literally NONE of that is true! And I REFUSE to utter a SINGLE word of this-

What is your record since returning this year?

SIGH. Nine and Three.

And what has been your tag record with Angelica in that time?

…………two and two……..

And are you proud of those two wins?

………….one of them…….the second was just some disqualification that was a waste of my time…..

Perhaps you should revisit that copy we sent you, Missus.

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