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Angelica Vaughn · (04-22-2023)

Dearest Daughter,

We really need to talk about this whole “ermahgerd I hates my Auntie Angie” thing you have going on. Like, I get it, sometimes you just really, really, REALLY want to pull her hair or whatever when you open up your YSL purse, exclusively made for YOU and NOT your baby sister, and find that your favorite shade of Louboutin lipstick (that Christian personally designed for YOU!!!!) is missing…again…and there’s tons of cat hair all around so it’s SO OBVI who “borrowed” it, but that’s not a problem YOU have. That’s MY lot in life, because my baby sister is totes jelly-belly over the many, MANY awards the XWF staff have given me (my plaque shelf is gettin’ kinda full, let me tell you). YOUR problem is based off a false and dumb premise, and while peeps don’t want to talk about it, I’m not most peeps:

You’re mad because your one-time fuckbuddy (SO much ew, btw) somehow got himself booked in a match that my sister didn’t agree to on a show that she never signed up for.

THAT is why you’re mad.

And THAT, dearest Daughter, is Chuckles-level dumb. Which is, like, many degrees beyond So Dumb That My Head Explodes level of dumb, as you well know.

If you’re going to be mad at her, be mad at her because she is a two-time Taggie Team champion with two different partners.

Be mad at her because she, regardless of how choppy the XWF seas have been for her, hasn’t brought her ship back into dock.

Be mad at her because I love and adore her.

Be mad because she is one of the few people on this roster I believe is worthy of my time and affection.

Or, even better, let that anger go! Don’t be mad at all!

But! Oh, BUT! If you insist on being mad, be mad at yourself.

Be mad at YOURSELF for getting tripped up by my Mumsie-In-Law’s current eye candy and losing your Television title. Be mad at YOURSELF for getting weighed down by Chuckles McFloatsom and losing your Taggie Team title. Be mad at YOURSELF for spending so much time worrying about what others think, for giving SO MUCH of yourself over the years to other people and, worst of all, rabble fans, that you’ve found so little to love today.

Hell, be mad at ME for letting you and Vita down last year and leaving to heal when you two likely needed me most.

Or! Even BETTER!

Be mad at your partner for bringing “stupid as fuck Bobby” to our match instead of “Universal Champ Bobby.”

I’ve said before that Bobby is one of the BEST in this business….when he cares. When he’s HERE. When he’s not? He’s some pissbaby floating around Twitter like a chump who thinks “variety” is sailing through the Multiverse on the S.S. Dumbshit. Listen, I get it, multiple people in this match have looked up at the lights and wondered how in the flying fuck they lost to a dive into Kido’s midlevel abyss of mindnumbing oblivion, but we move on. We push and learn. We DON’T spend, like, half of your allotted promotional time bemoaning the fact. THAT, dearest Daughter, is what leads to the path of loss! THAT is what leads to someone going 0-2 in as many matches! THAT is the apparent path of your new BoB associations. Because THIS Bobby is NOT the Bobby who has won the Ultimate title twice…or the one who pinned ol’ Barndoor before I could…and is, instead, the one who flakes out on everyone and then laughs about it while taking some time off.

Is that what you want, Dolly? Do you want to be with someone who is going to stand by your side, while facing Sarah hotdamn LACKLAN, and basically just kinda jerk off in front of the camera and make a joke out of YOUR opportunities to be one of the BEST?!

YOU are BETTER than this.

YOU are BETTER than BoB.

AND ANOTHER THI-

“Hey!”

“Which part of ‘no more letters’ was hard to understand? We’re eating here.”

Sarah grumbled as Angie pocketed the plucked feathered pen. The three of them, including the kid who had won the grand prize of meeting her idol, were sitting on the terraces of Lacklanland’s favorite fast food restaurant: Snacklanland. And much to Sarah’s disgust, the child had not opted for the Blood Princess Burger or Bucket of Pigeon Wings, but the newest introduced item on the menu, the Filet-O-So-Vaughnemous.

”This is so abs delish! You know, when I won this competition I couldn’t believe I was going to meet you, Angie… Can I can you Angie!? I can call you Angie, right??”

”AXLY, my Sister prefers to be addressed as Angelica, thank you s-“

”OBVS you can! All my bestest friends can call me Angie!"

”Yay! All of my friends at school are going to be so totes jelly!”

”That’s fine, I guess, bt you should also know that inciting jealousy in others is not a reward of its own. You should always do things because YOU enjoy doing them, not because you think others will get jealous. Like, are you uploading that picture on social media because you had a genuinely good time at a place or event, or do you just want to rub it in other people’s faces that you did something they couldn’t? The intentions behind our actions sometimes matter just as much as the things we do."

Sarah saw an opportunity to intervene. She put an arm around the child and leaned in.

”Nonsense! What good is it to be rich and powerful if others can’t see it? You know, when *I* was the Universal Champion, among many other accolades I’ve held over the years and being YOUR true reason for being here I’m sure thank you so much, I-”

”No, Angie’s right. I don’t even care if others know. It’s really cool to be out here with her.”

”….us”

”Oh Sister. How the turn tables, huh? *WHACKA WHACK*."

Angelica mimed a DJ scratching a vinyl record, and Sarah rolled her eyes. That was NOT the expression. But Angelica playfully bumped her shoulder.

”I kid, sis. I’m not trying to make you jealous or anything. I meant what I said earlier. And I agree, it’s nice to be out here, the three of us.”

”Sure. Hey kiddo, how about after you finish the menu’s WORST item, I bring you along to the toffee shop across the street? True Lacklanland salt water taffy, much better than that Jersey bootleg version. You’ll get SO MUCH CANDY!”

Sarah did not realize she was one white van ownership from being in serious trouble.

”I don’t like taffy. Angie said I could have ice cream!”

”oh did she now…of course she did…”

”Yeppers! Say, Sar dear Sis, would you mind running inside and order us three LackFlurry’s?"

”Would I mind?? Would *I* *MIND*?? Get my own food and dessert like some Poor? Obvs I would.”

Sarah snapped her fingers and after one word of direction, a nearby servant ran inside to go do her bidding.

”You see, kid, that’s what real power is. If you follow *MY* example as you should, you too might be able to order others around one day.”

”I mean, I could’ve gotten them myself if you didn’t want to, it’s not a big deal. Takes literally two minutes. Besides, I like waiting in line. Especially if you have to wait a *really* long time, so that when it’s your turn, you get a really nice feeling of accomplishment because you’ve earned the right to be served. Preferably by someone who is paid a far wage and has all the necessary benefits."

”I never thought about it that way, Angie. But that makes sense.”

”Oh COME ON!”

It was clear to Sarah that Angelica still had a LOT to learn about being royalty. Even though she no longer was a Poor, technically speaking, she had clearly grown up as one, and it was hard to get it out of Angelica’s system.

”Did you know, Angie, that I am the tallest kid in my class?”

”I did NOT! That’s, like, Supes Totes Amaze! Do you want to know a funny coincidence? I always was the tallest kid in my class as well!"

”Ummmm, so was I!”

”Yeah but sis, weren’t you, like, home schooled meaning you were basically the ONLY one in your class?"

”So technically that means you were the shortest, too! Didn’t you once say, Angie, that if you’re all of the things, then you’re really none of the things?”

She didn’t. Still, Sarah’s eyes turned to red slits.

”Errrr, I might have?"

But she really hadn’t. At that point, Sarah received a phone call from her Beloved, the caramel starlet, daughter of the XWF Universal Champion (although Kenzi would throw a fit at anyone describing her as such). As the waiter delivered them their ice creams, Sarah got up.

”It’s… You know who. Best she not hear your voice on the other end of the line. You two really need to make things up soon, Sis.”

”Oh, is it Kenzi? One of Sidney’s girls?”

Angelica hushed the child before the look on Sarah’s face went from ‘I just licked a toad’ to ‘I just chewed on a slug’.

”Enn Vee Emm. Let’s eat our LackFLurry’s to-go, kiddo. We’ll have a walk around the town, take in some sights. Sis, you’ll catch up with us later?"

But Sarah had already vanished to somewhere, leaving her own dessert to melt. Angelica and the child got up from their seats and made their way from Shinji Road to Selena Square, passing by the hat maker, the baker, and the blacksmith. The winding roads and old-fashioned shops made them feel like they’d taken a step back in time.

”I’m glad we get some one-on-one time. Your sister seems annoyed I don’t like her all that much.”

”Well, Sarah has a hard time accepting the fact that not everybody will always adore her. It’s not really her own fault, obvs. But she really is a fantastic person."

”Wow. So even you can be biased sometimes, huh?”

”No no, I mean it. She does a lot for me, even if she doesn’t always have to. Some may call it ‘meddling’, but I call it ‘caring unconditionally’. And she does it for a lot of people. Even people who don’t happen to like me."

”Oh yeah, like whatshername. Dolly? We make fun of her in school sometimes.”

”That’s fine, as long as it’s just some harmless jokes. You should never be mean or nasty. Always be better. If there’s anything you learn from me today, let it be that. I know Dolly doesn’t like me, and maybe she never will. But unlike Sarah, I can accept the fact that not everybody will universally adore me. As long as I am the best version of myself, then I shouldn’t be disappointed in me. Other people’s opinions only matter if you value their judgment.

And I value Sarah’s. I value Kenzi’s. I value Roxy’s. And my Mom’s. The list is really short after that. Because they were there for me during the toughest of times. And I’ve walked into many fights with them, and they always had my back. Again on next Warfare, I will trust Sarah with my wellbeing, if not my life. And I have no trouble doing that. Bobby and Dolly are coming to ruin our chances at getting back the Taggie Team Titles… even though we still have a rematch clause, right…?"

”You should!!"

”Exactly! Hey, wanna go see some ponies?"

”I LOVE PONIES!”

And Angelica took the child by the hand, leading her away from the route to Selena Square and towards the STA Ranch on the outskirts. Sarah, not considering ponies to be REAL horses, was unable to later bribe the child with the promise of watching purebred mustangs.

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