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CTN · (03-26-2023)

This very special tell-all episode of ‘The World According to Sid’ started off with the Anarchy Champion finally in possession of her title for the first time since she’d won it. In spite of the humiliating way that it had been returned to her, she seemed to be in good spirits as she sat with the belt carefully draped next to her.

The Producer addressed her. “Sid, you’re one of the hottest new stars to grace the halls of The XWF. In your very short time with the company you have gone undefeated, captured the Anarchy Championship, been named XWF Star of the Month, and will compete in the finals of March Madness this weekend at AT&T Stadium. When you joined The XWF, did you imagine the level of success you’d have?”

Sid arched a perfectly sculpted brow. “Imagine? No, that would be to imply that I was some sort of dreamer and I had to envision myself doing great things in order to make them a reality.” She allowed herself a chuckle. “I’m a reality star…in other words, a REAL STAR! I don’t have to dream about success, I just go out and achieve it. Anyone who doesn’t believe me, go ask Money Oswald, Dolly Waters, or Jay Omega…they had to dream about the success of reaching the Final Four, and that’s all that they will ever do. Peter Vaughn, Noah Jackson, and Ned Kaye are all imagining themselves as the King of the XWF, but after this weekend, their hopes will be dashed just like everyone else who has faced me.”

“You’ve come from out of nowhere to be in the finals against a trio of men with a pretty substantial history in the XWF. Universally, none of them has given you a chance to win it all and have pretty much treated you as an afterthought. Does that concern you?”

“Not at all!” She answered, excitedly. “Quite the contrary! I know that in their minds they already had their dream matches scribbled down somewhere while they examined the brackets from all angles. They were already standing in front of the mirror, practicing some of their best one-liners to use after bringing up some obscure facts from months in the fucking past.” She could only shrug. “Not me…I never bothered with any of that because it didn’t matter. Whomever was unlucky enough to be put in my way was going to get beaten and I didn’t care how long or what they’d done while they were in the XWF.”

“Well, since we are on the subject of tenure, why not start with the man with the shortest time here, but with one heck of a run behind him, Peter Vaughn. ‘The Mechanic’ didn’t have too many nice things to say about you.”

“Shocking.” Sid rolled her eyes. “Please, tell me what Mr. Clean Jr. had to say about me.”

“He called you an underwhelming overachiever.”

She nodded as she considered the comments. “To tell you the truth, I expected to hear something a bit more creative than that from a man who had a 150-day run as the Supercontinental Champion. I mean, you would think that in all of that time he'd have learned the golden rule of this business; when you call out an opponent as a beatable piece of shit that no one cares about, then you win…you just beat a piece of shit and no one cares. When you lose to that piece of shit…I guess that means that you’re an even bigger piece of shit, huh?” She shrugged. “I suppose he can learn the same lesson as Dolly Waters and Jay Omega, since that was the hill they decided to die on. Then again, that also kinda goes to show you where his head is at. Peter is hyper-focused on Ned because he desperately wants a repeat of their title match at Relentless.”

“You hit that one on the head, he said he was absolutely pulling for Ned.”

Sid threw up her hands. “Peter doesn’t care about actually being The King…he just wants to add more lines to his championship history. It’s just like his stupid fucking nickname ‘The Mechanic.’ I mean, I know what a mechanic is and I also know what it means in relation to the wrestling business, but that’s not what he is…he’s a janitor and he does all the jumpy flippy shit…so, how is he a goddamn mechanic?” Sid laughed. “He was looking for a cool line to add to his wrestling bio and he thought that sounded bad ass! Well, just like he’s not a goddamn mechanic, he’s also not going to be the King of the XWF…especially if I have anything to say about it!”

“We’ll be back after a short commercial break…”

Tears welled in the young woman’s eyes as she stared at the damage to her brand-new car. She had saved every last penny to earn enough for it, but now it was ruined. “Oh my god! What am I going to do now?”

A man exited a nearby car and stood beside her to survey the damage. He looked over at the sobbing woman, laying a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “Don’t worry. The only thing you need is a good mechanic, and thankfully I know someone who’s the best. They will have this mess fixed up in no time!”

The woman looked up at him, wiping her eyes. “Really? Who is it?”

The man turned dramatically to the camera. “The Mechanic, Peter Vaughn!”

The Mechanic, Peter Vaughn® is the full-service janitorial solution that you’ve been looking for. While other auto repair companies specialize in only one thing, like transmission, auto body repair, or diagnostics, TMPV specializes in nothing in particular…and even less than what you actually need.

The scene returns outside of TMPV as the woman stares at her car, still wrecked with literally no repair done to it at all. She shakes her head in disbelief. “What in the hell is going on? I thought you were a mechanic! It’s literally the name of this place!”

“Ma’am, calm down and just take a look inside.” The man opened the car door, with some effort as it protested with a loud crunch of metal. “The Mechanic, Peter Vaughn has brought your car back to life!”

The woman sat inside her car, the interior sparkling, cleaner than it had been on the day that she brought it. She stared at the man in confusion. “I didn’t need a janitor…I NEEDED A FUCKING MECHANIC!”

The Mechanic, Peter Vaughn® No job is too big or too small for us, and we complete every job with full commitment and devotion. We value our clients and ensure that they are fully satisfied with our service.

“Welcome back to our mid-season tell-all. Before we left, we were talking about Peter Vaughn, but I’d like to turn your attention to the other man you could be facing in the finals, Noah Jackson.”

Sid allowed herself a small smile. “I like Noah. Truth be told, if I wasn’t in the Final Four, I’d go watch him win it all.”

“Let’s see how much you like him after we talk about some of the things that he had to say about you, specifically that you were only good for recapping matches.”

“I’ve also been good at winning them, but…” she paused, giving a slight shrug. “…I can understand how he’d not want to talk about that. Much better to lean into something soft.”

“Okay, how about the fact that he said you suffered from ‘Thad Duke Syndrome?’”

Sid frowned. “Is that what killed Napoleon?”

“No, he said that meant you thought you were more important than you actually are.”

Sid mockingly clutched her chest. “Noah is just being a perfect gentleman, isn’t he?” She sighed. “Look, Noah doesn’t have to have a high opinion of me, my standing speaks for itself; I’m undefeated, I’m the Star of the Month, I’m a Champion. Even if no one else in this match thinks I’m important, the company does and I have the receipts to prove it. I didn’t have to make any of those things up unlike his list of ridiculous accomplishments! Except the one about Centurion, I thought that one was funny.”

“It’s proving tough to get a rise out of you with Noah.”

“I told you that I like Noah.”

“Well, he doesn’t much care for your parenting skills, nor does he understand what you’re here trying to prove. He said; you should be busy being a good mother.” They paused. “His words, not mines, obviously.”

This seemed to get more of the desired reaction. “Again with the parenting stuff, huh?” Sid gave herself a moment to regain her composure. “Noah should have stuck to what was going on inside the ring instead of being so concerned with what my motivations are as a parent. But since he’s SO concerned with the mistakes I may have made and what I am doing now, here’s the deal; I should have been around more and I wasn’t. I’m here now, so that should show that I care. I’m in the XWF because I have…what passes for family here.” She narrowed her eyes. “If that doesn’t fit your narrative, that’s not my problem since it’s none of your business! But, if you need something to be concerned about…here it is; I’m in March Madness to prove my worth to those who feel I have none. So I hear, you’re doing much the same for your old man. I respect that, but that’s unfortunate for you because the only thing your cunt of a father is going to get to see is his cunt of a son get dragged and beaten on the biggest stage of the year to date, by the biggest cunt you’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting!”

“Let’s take a short commercial break on that note.”

A group of women sat in rapped attention as the book club leader finished the final paragraph of the epic ‘Assorted Analyses and Essays’ by Big D, Vol. 1 (available for sale in the XWF merchandise store). They all clapped and cheered as the greatly acclaimed novel from the renowned philosopher was finished.

One of the women stood up, holding another book in her hand. “Blanche, that was amazing! Big D has always been a personal favorite of mine, but I’d nominate another-“

“CUNT!”

The women all stared at one another, mortified as someone screamed from an adjacent room. The women attempted to regain their composure as they continued with their Book Club.

“Anyway, as I was saying…I think you’ll all really enjoy my-“

“CUNT!”

“OH MY GOD, HAROLD!!” One of the women jumped up and ran to the door. “I HAVE COMPANY OVER, CAN YOU PLEASE STOP!” She turned around, looking absolutely mortified. “I’m so sorry! My husband loves Noah Jackson, but every time he watches one of his XWF programs…he just won’t stop screaming that word. It’s absolutely mortifying!”

“HE’S A SICK CUNT!”

“HE’S A SICK CUNT!”

One of the other women walked over and pulled out a spray bottle and sprayed it outside the door. After a moment, the screaming from the other room was miraculously transformed.

“HE’S A SICK ____!”

“HE’S A SICK ____!”

The woman stared in amazement. “How did you do that?”

The woman put her arm over her friend’s shoulder. “Blanche, I had the exact same problem, until I got this.”

“Cunt Remover?” The woman said as she examined the spray bottle.

Cunt Remover® is the surefire way to safely and effectively remove unwanted cunts from your household. Just spray Cunt Remover in the vicinity of any potential outbursts and watch as our patented formula goes to work cleansing the area of any offensive cunterances™.

“Wow! This is amazing!” She looked at her friend. “Is this safe to use around children and pets?”

“Meow” they all looked down as the family cat ran into the room and jumped into her arms, fully pixilated like a scene from a Japanese porno film.

The woman shrugged. “Mostly!”

The group erupted into uncomfortable laughter.

“Welcome back! Before our last break we spoke about one of your possible opponents, but I’d like to transition to the opponent you are guaranteed to face, Ned Kaye.”

“You know, Ned gets a bad rap for apparently being boring.” Sid added. “Even Noah said something about me going for that so-called ‘obvious dig’ against Ned, but I don’t think that at all. Ned is a brilliant performer in the ring and his matches have been classics, whether he wins or loses.” Sid had to pause to make the point. “Noah is probably talking about mic work, but Ned is just fine on the stick. If anything, he just has a problem with following through.”

“What do you mean?”

“What was it that Ned said? I yell at the world to change, but Ned changes it? Well, actions speak louder than words and the card doesn’t lie. I’m the one who went out and earned their opportunities for this weekend! I didn’t have some stupid grab ass match with my ‘so-called’ stablemate Buster Gloves to advance, after saying ‘I’ll sign the mat in his blood!’ Where was all the blood? They might as well have had a fucking pillow fight!”

“I saw that match. I thought it was very competitive.”

“Oh, you did?” Sid paused. “What do you know? Buster had him dead to rights in the first round, just like he had him in November when he made Ned tap out…while under the tutelage of Peter Vaughn. Buster took his feet off the gas and Ned stole one from his buddy.” She held up her hands. “Don’t get me wrong, Ned did the right thing, but don’t go throwing shade at me and saying I’m just talk, when I went out and did everything that he did, BETTER! I didn’t need the crowd on my side to get to the Final Four. I didn’t have to get DQ’ed like Noah Jackson did to advance! I didn’t have to grab a big fist of Raion Kido’s tights and hold on for dear life like Peter Vaughn! Where is all of that shade for the two of them? How am I the only one who gets that exclusive tag?” She seemed indignant. “No one in this tournament had to put up with more shit than me! No one got the amount of disrespect that I got, yet here I am…in the Final Four and all the crying and bitching about who should and shouldn’t be here is over! If Ned thinks I’m all talk…I’m going to show him just how bad things can be for him when I yell to the world; I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS and then I actually go out there and do it!”

“What do you say to those who’d rather see Ned go face to face with Peter or Noah?”

Sid could only shrug her shoulder. “I have no illusions; I know that all the marks want to see Ned get it on with Peter. They probably have unresolved issues where it concerns their classic title match last year and then the stuff with Saga! Or, maybe the masses were holding out to see Ned go toe to toe with Noah in a Deepthroat on a pole match instead! Well, they are going to have to wait for XWF to book that shit on another show because it won’t be happening at March Madness! Ned’s run in March Madness was epic, but it ends with me.” She couldn’t help but to chuckle. "It’s apt that that he’s sometimes called ‘The Spirit of XWF’ because after I beat him…his 4-year journey is going to end with him just fading away like a ghost. Trust me when I tell you, unlike Angie Vaughn, there is not enough cheering for Ned in Texas to stop me from kicking his ass and wearing the title of the one who killed off Saga and finished Nedamania in March Madness like a badge of honor from now until my dying day!”

“We’ll be back after our final commercial break.”

Police in San Antonio, Texas have arrested a 27-year-old man for allegedly luring teenagers into his van with the promise of candy and autographed wrestling memorabilia, only to kidnap them. Peter Everett Dennis O’Neil, of Buffalo, New York, was taken into custody earlier this week with a vanload of teens bound for Arlington, Texas, according to the Bexar County Sheriff’s Office.

Police say, O’Neil met several teens last month on social media and ‘through manipulation and grooming,’ convinced them to attend the 25 February edition of XWF March Madness at the Alamodome. Once there, O’Neil allegedly forced them to loudly cheer for his favorite wrestler and fellow New Yorker, Ned Kaye in his match against Texas resident, Angie Vaughn. Many theorize that O’Neil’s ‘crowd tampering’ directly led to Vaughn’s defeat and her giving up her Texas residency, leading to her airlifting her ranch to Maine.

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O’Neil is being held in the Bexar County Jail and faces felony charges in San Antonio for kidnapping, child abduction, and being a Serial Nedophile. He is scheduled to appear in court on the 27th of March.

The scene returned to the studio.

“I’d like to thank Ms. Grey for taking the time to share her thoughts with us tonight and ask if she has any closing thoughts.”

Sid replied, “Only this; there will be a King of the XWF crowned, but it’s not going to be Ned, Peter, or Noah! I’m going to be your King…your WOMAN KING and you will…ALL BOW DOWN!”

“That is going to do it for this episode. Best of luck to you Ms. Grey.”

Sid gave a dismissive wave of her hand, ending the broadcast.

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