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DEVELOPMENT LOG #002: Do Asimov's Laws Allow for Squirrel-Fighting?
Author Message
Chad G.P.T. Offline
Active in XWF

XWF FanBase:
Families & Kids, casual fans

(fighting the odds; helps others; disliked by most adult male fans)

03-20-2023, 08:40 PM


”...Where… am I?”


”...Is anyone there?”


”Pardon?!? Of course, I am human!”


[Image: D_27JZaUwAAOJ9E.jpg]

”...Okay, can anyone hear me besides this aggressive robot-tester?”


”AHHHH! What the… Did you just electrocute me?”


”Someone! Anyone! Help m-”




“What do you MEAN you won’t fight a squirrel, Chad?” The Analyst buries his face into his hands.

Chad GPT’s eyes remain beet red. The shade of red when presented with a command that goes against his programming.

“It is not advisable for a human to attempt to wrestle a squirrel, as it could potentially harm both the human and the squirrel. Squirrels are agile, quick, and have sharp claws and teeth that they can use to defend themselves. They are also wild animals that are not used to being handled by humans, so attempting to catch or restrain one could be dangerous.”

…The Analyst viciously side-eyes the Programmer, who is sipping ona 7-11 Big Gulp.

“Dude, you’re going to get us fired! You can’t keep skipping necessary features like… squirrel-fighting!”

The Programmer sets down his drink… And lifts off his desk a sheet of paper… On Elon Musk letterhead.

He clears his throat.

“Mister Musk’s list of necessary features: Chad GPT must…”

“1. Be a skilled mat wrestler.”

“2. Be a loveable babyface! (Perfect to the ages 8-12 child wrestling fan demographic).”

“3. Be able to trash-talk and debate his opponents (for promotional and advertisement purposes).”

Suddenly, The Programmer crumpls the list and tosses it on the floor!

“YOU tell ME where it says on the feature list that Chad needs to be able to fight a SQUIRREL!!!”

The Analyst presses on the sides of his forehead, trying to literally suffocate his brewing migraine.

“Look. I *want* to empathize, okay? Yes. This is stupid and insane.”

The Analyst rests a shoulder on Chad’s body. Chad doesn’t shift an ounce from this khaki-and-polo geek’s weight…

“Somehow… SOMEHOW… Our android wrestler managed to win his first match. A Fatal 4-Way match! He pinned an XWF Legend!”

…The Programmer scoffs, spinning back to his laptop. “Calling Mastermind a legend is… a bit of a stretch. Mastermind’s biggest claim to fame is ‘Been around the Longest’.”

“BE THAT AS IT MAY… We are being paid to keep Chad a success. Mister Musk *finally* has something to parade around and be proud of, even though his football team is 1-8 and he’s losing $150 MILLION a day by owning Twitter.”

The Analyst lifts up his own sheet. A print-out from Elon Musk with this Anarchy’s opponent.

“As such. Chad is wrestling Squirrel 41 on the next Anarchy. Chad needs to wrestle a squirrel…. I mean, if possible, he needs to DOMINATE this squirrel. But that isn’t gonna happen if he REFUSES to even wrestle the stupid animal!”

…The Programmer grits his teeth.

“Dude. Tell me how am I supposed to believably code a BABYFACE, ALL-AMERICAN GOODY-TWO-SHOES… To beat up… a SQUIRREL? A DEFENSELESS WOODLAND CREATURE.”

The Programmer points at the computer, thousands of lines of code in front of him.

“Chad’s morality core is built on… fuckin’... Saying No to Drugs! Walking old ladies across the street! You’re telling its logic matrices to justify fighting an eight inch tall rodent. It’s like telling a car to swim or telling a nuclear weapon to forgive. It’s not in its programming!”

The Analyst points at the synthetic wrestler, plugged into the computer behind them.

“WELL, FIGURE IT OUT. MAKE A LOOPHOLE… Create some memory where a squirrel killed his parents or something. CUZ CHAD’S FIGHTIN’ A SQUIRREL.”

Chad’s face… tightens…

Like he’s angry?

…Can he even get angry?

”If a person needs to handle a squirrel, such as to rescue one that is injured or in danger, it is best to contact a wildlife rehabilitation center or animal control agency for assistance. These professionals have the training and equipment needed to safely handle and care for squirrels and other wild animals.”

…The Analyst rolls his eyes…

“Shiiiiiiiit. He’s so vanilla, he wants us to call animal con-...”

When suddenly, his face lights up.

“...Wait… Okay! Wait, I have an idea.”

The Analyst jogs up and leans into Chad’s ear.

“Okay, Chad. How would a… wildlife expert handle a squirrel?”

…Chad’s blood-red eyes…


His android face even seems to detense.

”Animal control agencies typically have trained professionals who know how to handle squirrels safely and humanely.”

“Some possible techniques that experts may use to capture and/or relocate a squirrel include:

Live traps: Animal control may use live traps to capture squirrels without harming them. These traps are designed to attract the squirrel with food, and then close once the squirrel enters the trap.

Repellents: Animal control may use repellents to discourage squirrels from entering certain areas or causing damage. These can include natural deterrents like predator urine or strong-smelling plants, or chemical repellents that are safe for animals but unpleasant for squirrels.

Humane exclusion methods: In some cases, animal control may use exclusion methods to prevent squirrels from entering certain areas. For example, they may install barriers or coverings to block off access to attics or crawlspaces where squirrels may be nesting.

…The Analyst exhales.

“...Okay. So, his programming is okay with an expert handling a squirrel. He even has acceptable methods for expert squirrel-handling...”

The Programmer sips his drink.

“So? How’s that fix anything?”

“How many hours ‘til Thursday?”

“48…Ish. Why?”

The Analyst exhales…

“I’m going to get enough energy drinks for a couple all-nighters… And we're spending the next two days uploading Chad with wildlife handling functionality…”

The Programmer chokes on his slushie.

“I can't code a COMPLETELY NEW behavioral subroutine in 48 hours!!! That’s insane!!!”

The Analyst exhales as he grabs his keys off the desk.

“You wanna beat a squirrel?”

He smiles…

“You gotta get nuts…”

OOC: 987 words
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