You're watching...

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A menu appears on screen as some picky cunt swipes through before landing on a new movie only available on Cunt Prime™ for a limited time only!

"From the writer and producer of such hits as "Cunt Hard", "Cunt Alone" and the award-winning erotic drama "SAGAn on my Balls", Noah Jackson."

A young person with flowing hair storms away from a redneck in a cowboy hat.

"Face it, Ned, you're never gonna make it as a professional wrassler in your big fancy company!"

"Just wait and see! The name Ned Kaye will be up in lights one day! I NEED this!"

"And the only person capable of telling this man's story, wannabe cool guy indie director Zach Braff."

In a black suit over a casket, the person weeps as a friend consoles them.

"Why did this happen before my big championship match!? Why does this ALWAYS happen?"

"It seems drama just follows you around, Ned."

"Well, I'm gonna make my second cousin twice removed here proud when I win that title in his honour! I NEED this!"

"Starring Zooey Deschanel as Ned Kaye."

"Ned" is on a date with a beautiful young woman, she chuckles.

"You sure are a driven man, Mister Kaye."

"Ned" blushes while adjusting "his" stupid fringe. The scene shifts to "Ned" cutting a promo in the ring.

"This one is for all my Nedaphiles out there! I know everyone is distraught after my short-term acquaintance Snoppy Johannson was hospitalized, but I want all of you to know that I'm gonna win that crown, not just for him but for YOU guys! I NEED THIS!!!!"

"Critics are calling it, "Generic", "Middle of the road content" and "Depressingly repetitive."



"Streaming now. Only on Cunt Prime™"

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"On tonight's episode of Melbourne Motormouths!"

Sick car screech sound effect!


SKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKRRRTTTT!!!


Me and my oldest friend Alex are in overalls, covered in grease and oil while looking over a piece of shit truck from the fifties that is on its last legs.

Noah and Alex find themselves with a lemon that is making everything sour!

"Fuck me, cunt, look at the state of this thing! It's spluttering its guts out!"

I kick the truck and the exhaust bellows a foul-smelling smoke along with some obnoxious sounds.

Noisy

Noel

Noy

Alex looks up in confusion.

"Fuck me, cunt, I didn't think a car could get the 'rona!

"Too right, cunt, this shit heap is fucked beyond repair. Don't know anyone who could salvage this mess of a promo truck! Its tyres are balding, can't get a grip on fuck all. There are so many blindspots when you're inside the cunt we might as well call it Ray Charles. Rusted beyond belief too, feel like it's been left out in the rain for a decade!"

"The owner said it won a race or something the other month!"

"Cunt, how? Only thing this dog turd is winning is first place at a best scrap cube convention. Sane thing to do is put the cunt out of its misery."

Alex tuts shakin' his head.

"Shame, cunt, these old Vaughn models use to be worth their weight in gold."

"Well, you run 'em into the ground long enough or into a wall hard enough, they end up like any other trash."

"Yeah... We doin' this Ol' Yella style?"

"Too right! Get the shotties, cunt!"

"Is there any saving this old horse? Or will the sickest cunt in the world have to dismantle another waste of time? Melbourne Motormouths, only on Cunt Prime™"

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"Things are heating up this March!

*Panther Growl*

Quick shots of my handsome mug in a wig and tacky animal print dress which conflicts with me jeans along with Jackson Hart all dolled up.

"On the latest episode of The Real Cunts of XWF, Noelle Jackson shared some HOT takes on Sidney Grey!"

"This cunt, Sidney thinks she can stroll in and claim to be a star of reality TV!? Bitch, whurrr!?"

I do sassy head movements as Jax snaps his fingers.

*Whip crack*

"I ain't seen this hoe anywhere and suddenly she thinks she can waltz into XWF claiming she's a star and wanting to try and be a mother for once in her life? Maybe she should try being a half-decent wrestler first!"

*Cat screeches*

"Get her, cunt! The only reality star here is ME! Meaning I'm THE star of EVERY reality there is! Go ask Thaddeus Duke to fact-check me before he drops that bullshit like Ol' Grey is gonna drop the ball when I kick seven shades of shit out of her loose asshole! She ain't shit! The only thing she's got goin' for her is gettin' fingered by Lane's Hall of Legends ring and avoiding being electrocuted in a FETISH match! That skank wants a real fight, I'm gonna give it to her!"

Jax has to physically hold me back as I kick off towards the cameraman.

"Looks like it's out of the frying pan and into the FIRE!



"For Sidney Grey, here on The Real Cunts of XWF! Only on Cunt Prime™"

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I pop up on screen with a mic in my hand and sporting a beautiful perm in front of a brick wall to a silhouetted audience.

"And I was like, you tellin' me a shrimp fried this rice?"

Canned laughter as I chuckle and take a sip of water.

"So March Madness is going on, you seen this? You heard about this? Talk about a bunch of jokers amirite? Hey, what's a four-letter word for a vagina?"

"..."

"Kaye!"

Canned laughter as I wave off the crowd.

"Ned Kaye is a funny guy though, wants to still play the indie darling after being in a major federation for several years, won multiple championships, has been on several posters and is even in a group manned by the CEO of the company and still wants to play underdog! Now that is comedy!"

"I would wonder how he says all that with a straight face but I suppose he can't since Theo gave him that 'Stroke'."

Laughs mixed with some saucy 'oohs'.

"Bit of wrestlin' terminology humour for ya there. Speakin' of wrestlin', hands up who here has sat through a Peter Vaughn match!"

I peer at the crowd to no raised hands.

"No one? I thought as much, I think it's a scam to be honest. Everyone goes for a piss break when he comes on the screen so he can make more money cleanin' the cunts."

Laughs.

"Used to dealin' with pipes since his crowd reactions are piped in too!"

Louder laughter.

"On the subject of pipes, the fuck has Sidney been smokin'? You hear what she said? She said she didn't come into the company with any baggage! Yeah, Grey, it was waiting for you in the lobby to drag around with ya! No baggage!? Now I don't wanna get cancelled here but-"

The scene quickly cuts!

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---

To upbeat, cheery jazz music as Doctor Louis D'Ville greets us on screen as he sits in a comfortable chair before a logo appears briefly.



"Hello my friends! And welcome back to The Daily Doc! On today's episode, I wanted to talk about trauma and to help me with that, please welcome a very special guest... Noah Jackson!"

The crowd applaud as I walk out onto the stage and wave to them before meeting Doc and giving him a handshake before sitting down across from him.

"Thank you for coming on, Noah."

"No wuckas, cunt, thanks for havin' me."

"So, Noah, Ned Kaye shared some words about this hit-and-run incident you had and I wanted to touch on that, you don't like making mention of it, how does it feel when someone digs that up? Does it bring untoward feelings and memories?"

"Simply put, Doc, yes it does. It was a very traumatic part of my life, I was laid out for a while and for someone like Ned to try and use that in his promo really threw me through a loop. First of all, I want to say I was visited in hospital by not just my dad, but my friends. Jackson Hart, Atty, who thought I was dead! Thunder Knuckles even popped by! My poor mum flew over just to make sure her son was alive, along with my brother Ryder and me stepdad! But Ned Kaye lacks object permanence like a widdle baby and if something isn't directly in front of him he doesn't believe it exists."

"I just want to be clear on the record too, I have never made light of Ned's alcoholism, nor the death of Steven Cooper! I wouldn't step that low because one, that's a cunts trick and two, that doesn't bare any weight in a match! I go after Ned's ability, that he isn't good enough to hang! That he isn't as good as he thinks he is! That he uses the people around him because he's enamoured with the misery porn that is his life! Ned said he was mortal, that he was proud to be one and that he will fight for people!"

"But when it comes time for a match, he drops that in a heartbeat, his entire self and shows people that he's just some cunt willing to do anything to get the upper hand. He isn't just a shit wrestler, he's a fuckin' fraud. And if he doesn't believe in himself, then why should anyone else?"

"Just to touch on how you feel about Ned, what about your comments on Sidney Grey?"

"Two-fold. One I feel personal about a shitty parent and two I linked that into how a fight with her would play out. Sid is so hyper-focused on her personal life it's showing through her promos, it's takin' full focus. I have issues, cunt, this right here comes first because I am a fuckin' professional, not some shit cunt pretending to be one! We all have family issues, Ned even jumped on board so he wouldn't feel left out by bringin' up his dad for maybe the first time ever!"

"I have no idea what is goin' on with Vaughn, quite frankly I couldn't give two shits the cunt bores me to tears and will quite literally be the easiest win of my career. But something is happening with him and I've chosen to ignore that, why? Because that doesn't matter. His family isn't in the same company as him like it is with Sid; like it will bite Sid in the ass and cost her the fuckin' win!"

"That and me being the greatest cunt to ever walk these halls on the streak of his life beating cunts no one could think I could beat to prove once again that every lousy cunt is at my feet!"

"Just to cut you short, Noah, you mentioned "shitty" parent before and I think this is an opportune time to bring on our next guest, ladies and gentlemen... Shawn Warstein!"

The audience applauds as the music hits again, a smile from ear to ear grows on my face but... No one comes out. The applause dies down into an awkward clearing of the throat. Doc looks behind him.

"Oh."

A simple but clear response as he turns back to me.

"Perhaps... Ned was right."

"... What?"

The audience is silent as the lights close in on Doc's face and grow dimmer around the stage.

"Just a poor child, with no one around him except for a cat he stole... Now, we see you for who you really are. Fragile. Scared. Alone. Finally at the end of that untravelled path... All we need now is-"

Doc leans in.

"One."

Extending a finger pointed at my chest.

"Final."

A smirk grows on his face.

"Push."

A prod into my chest breathes life into me as I awake outside my house soaking wet with a towel around me. Panicked breaths sputter from my lips as I look around seeing empty cans of beer and an angel looking me dead in the eyes, the moon behind her acting like a halo.

"Oh finally, you're awake!"

I control my breathing.

"Vita? The fuck are you doin' here?"

"I came by to see if you wanted to catch up and found you face down in the pool! I thought you were dead!"

I try to compose meself, remembering how much I've been putting away the last few nights... Fuck me.

"Fuck... Well... Thanks, V. Glad you were here."

Vita waves a hand and sits beside me readjusting the towel over my shoulder.

"I'm just glad you're okay."

"Yeah..."

"... Yeah."

A few silent nods of the head before I sniff up and look at her.

"V... Did you run me over?"

I stare into her eyes, the gulp she does before she answers tells me everything I didn't want to hear. I hang my head and begin chewin' on me lip. A slight sniffle comes from her.

"... I'm sorry, Noah."

I nod my head, tryna bottle a lot in.

"You're a right cunt, you know that?"

"I am, and really I'm sorry if I could take it back I would! But... You dumped me and went away and came back and- and I don't know! It was too much!"

"So your conclusion was to run me over in a hummer?"

"You were being a gigantic asshole in my defence! And I'm not saying what I did was right BUT you are you."

"Yeah, fair." I stand up letting the towel drop off me and turn to her with a look of disgust, Vita stands with a sigh. "I can't cross the street anymore without havin' a panic attack over oncoming traffic but yeah, V, I was a jerk so guess I deserve it."

"You sure shrugged it off when you were pretending to be Stone Cold!"

"I was fuckin' terrified! I wanted to be like my childhood hero and be a badass! I wanted to... Not be scared! Fuck you, V! I don't owe you an explanation!"

My hand curls into a fist. Vita doesn't flinch.

"So what? You want to hit me?"

I stare down at her, the vein in my head ready to pop. She refuses to back down.

"Go on I deserve it, hit me."

I lick my teeth, my face contorting into a snarl without my control.

"Hit. Me."

. . .

---

* * *

---

. . .

Me and Vita are laying next to each other in bed, our clothes thrown about my room as we both smoke a cigarette. Exhalin' smoke, Vita turns to me.

"... You still hate me?"

I puff on the ciggie for a sec before answering.

"Lil' bit."

Vita goes back to her cig with a nod.

"... Sick..."

... Sick.

---

Lookin' chipper, this handsome mug greets you all again.

"Finally here."

"After all this time at the end of the road."

"And cunts, I can taste victory."

"That sweet smell of nectar in the air clouded by the static in me skull and the anticipation in me bones."

"Fuckin' love it, cunts."

"Peter Vaughn has underdelivered. He thought he could squeak by doin' his usual bullshit but never once met a sick cunt like me who could prove just how much of a fuckin' hack he is. The crumblin' microscopic speck of faecal matter that he is with his corny lines and goofy ass. Think I could have had a better time arguing with a book of dad jokes. Shit, definitely could have got a better fight out of it, least a book has a chance of givin' ya a paper cut."

"Fightin' Pete is like fightin' a shell of a man. He's present for sure, but due to his own personal reasons which I won't make light of because I'm not a scumbag like Kaye, you can see his heart isn't in it. He's done. His spirit has left the arena. Now, I know what you're thinkin' Vaughn. Kido underestimated ya, he thought he had it in the bag."

"But here's the bottom line, cunt."

"I ain't Raion Kido, I'm a lot fuckin' better."

"Same goes to Ned, who put out the worse points of an argument I have ever seen in me life. It was actually funny at one point, especially the shit about me theme song and how I'm xenophobic... Hey, cunt, wanna hear a secret? Come close."

I lean in.

"Those are just the opening lyrics to the song ya dumb bitch."

I laugh reclining back.

"Why would I say "get out me country" when I am in America 90% of the fuckin' time? What sense does that even make ya dumb fuck? Maybe I like the song because it says sick cunt a lot OR the opening line refers to the company I am in and isn't meant to be taken so literally ya fuckin' autist. So great work, Ned, ya entire argument which had ZERO to do about my wrestlin' ability is wasted... Just like your fuckin' career once I'm done with ya."

"And finally, Meemaw. Like I said, Sid, you impressed me cunt but goin' against the other two worthless fucks I'm against that didn't take much now did it? Plain and simple, Sid, you wanna play the bitch and be the fly in the ointment but no matter what you're just another fuckin' Grey. A dot in time and someone who isn't worthy to be here unlike yours truly who worked to get this far. You trashed a jobber, got a win over a midcarder and upset a rookie... But now you're goin' against the sickest cunt who ever lived and I promise ya, girlie, I am leagues above you in every step of this game."

"You all need to pay attention here."

"I'm leavin' with that crown. No other way about it."

"I earned this shit."

"And the rest of you cunts, can re-evaluate your careers and swallow your dreams because my reign has begun."

FORMER:



W | L | D
226 | 11 | 81

Star of the Month (August 2019)
1/3 Star of the Month (January 2020) with Fuzz and our Subaru
RP of the Month (November 2019) with Big Disappointment