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Agent Orange · **07-12-2013, 12:49 PM**

SOME KID’S BACKYARD

**Agent Orange is standing in the middle of a backyard wrestling ring made out of tires, trees for ring posts and garden hoses for ring ropes. Standing with him are three “wrestlers”.**

Agent Orange: Folks at home, I’ve got to tell you, the competition for Leap of Faith is getting really tense. Yours truly is in a match for the Xtreme Title and to be honest, Xtreme rules really isn’t my bad. With that being said, I am a professional and an athlete, so I’ve decided to get involved with a really strict training regimen. What’s the best way to learn about something you don’t know? You go straight to the source. So to train for a match like Xtreme Rules for the Xtreme Title; I went to the source of Xtreme: some asshole’s back yard.

These are my friends, tell us your names.

**The tall, skinny one speaks up first**

Kid One: I’m known as the Night Reaper.

Agent Orange: The Night Rapist, got it. You?

**A stout, fat kid speaks up**

Kid Two: They call me the Player.

Agent Orange: They call you Porkins? Fitting. The last one?

**An average kid with clown make up on speaks**

Kid Three: I’m the Axe Grinder.

Agent Orange: The Ass Grinder. XWF fans, these are my friends and wrestling trainers for the big match: The Night Rapist, Porkins and the Ass Grinder. They are going to teach me the meaning, methods and mayhem behind being “Xtreme.”

**The scene cuts to The Night Rapist and Agent Orange with a bunch of weapons in the ring**

Agent Orange: Ok, Rapist. I am in a match with three other guys. One is some asshole who thinks he’s in the movie Pretty in Pink, the other is some guy who blew his baby batter into a mud puddle and calls it art and the last one is some guy who wears ass-less chaps and a bow tie to bed. You may know them as Stevie Tyler, Alex Shawn and Tony Santos.

Night Reaper: Isn’t Steven Tyler the lead singer of Aerosmith?

Agent Orange: You know, I said the exact same thing and it turns out he isn’t. Anyways, I’m going to be in an Xtreme Rules match. What’s the first thing I need to know about being “Xtreme.”

Night Reaper: Well, you gotta be all …like, psycho in your head, you know? You gotta be out of your mind and just push pain out.

Agent Orange: Psycho like I have abandonment issues, I can’t keep a girlfriend and the sight of a gold fish makes me sick? Stevie Tyler has got the corner on that, I don’t know if I can compete.

Night Reaper: No, like …you gotta be willing to push the envelope and be more crazy than the next guy.

Agent Orange: You mean my girlfriend and I have been pretty serious, I don’t want to marry her but I kind of want her to tie me up and be willing to get her pinky finger dirty? Is that pushing the envelope? That’s Tony Santos’ thing, bro.

Night Reaper: No, like …you gotta be willing to be ready to bleed more than the other guy.

Agent Orange: You know I’m wrestling Alex Shawn, right? Alex Shawn? You know, Mr. Menstruation? How am I going to bleed more than some baby faced punk ass on their period? You suck, let’s go talk to Porkins.

**The scene cuts to Agent Orange and Porkins in the ring together.**

Agent Orange: Porkins, you are clearly a man who gets laid …all the time. With someone getting more ass than a bench at a bus stop, you must know how to keep your mind right. How should I prepare mentally to be Xtreme?

Player: You have to know that your match is going to hurt, that you’re going to get cut by barbed wire, that you’re going to get hit in the face with a chair and maybe even set on fire.

Agent Orange: I’m going to get set on fire?! No wonder Tony likes these matches! Porkins, do you watch the XWF? Do you know the guys I’m wrestling?

Player: I watch the XWF sometimes.

Agent Orange: And what do you think of the XWF?

Player: I think our matches are better.

Agent Orange: …you think your matches are better than the pro wrestling on TV three times a week?

Player: Uh, I guess so.

Agent Orange: You pigly son of a bitch, Porkins. So, when Alex Shawn, Tony Santos and Stevie Tyler wrestled in your back yard, did you wrestle any matches with them?

Player: Huh?

Agent Orange: Tony Santos, Alex Shawn and Stevie Tyler didn’t wrestle here?

Player: No.

Agent Orange: I thought you guys were the best Backyard Wrestling Federation ever.

Player: We are.

Agent Orange: So I assume that if you guys are the best, that all of the best yard-tards would have come through here, right?

[b]Player[/b]: What’s a yard-tard?

Agent Orange: It’s what us professionals call a backyard wrestler. So, if Tony, Alex and Stevie didn’t learn to wrestle out of your backyard, there must be a better Backyard Wrestling Federation, right?

Player: Uhh…

Agent Orange: God damnit, Porkins. Go sit down, you’re sweating from talking.

**The Scene cuts to Agent Orange in the ring with the Ass Grinder.**

Agent Orange: So, you’re the Ass Grinder, you got that name from grinding a lot of asses?

Axe Grinder: It’s the Axe Grinder.

Agent Orange: Yeah, the Ass Grinder, that’s what I said. So, I need to get in touch with my inner Xtreme if I’m ever going to win this match. How do you think guys like Tony Santos, Alex Shawn and Stevie Tyler get hyped up to be Xtreme? Do you think Tony Santos ties himself to a pole while twin girls in leather bras whip the shit out of him? Does Alex Shawn put a scorpion in his pants in hopes that the swelling will give him the appearance of a penis? Does Stevie Tyler read the Twilight novels to tap his inner vampire?

Axe Grinder: I have no clue, dude.

Agent Orange: Well, how do you get in the mood to be Xtreme?

Axe Grinder: Well, I paint my face and listen to ICP. While I’m doing that I kind of transform into the Axe Grinder.

Agent Orange: So you sit in your bedroom, listen to shitty music while you put on make up? Wasn’t that in “The Silence of the Lambs”? Are you Buffalo Bill, Ass Grinder?

Axe Grinder: Nope, I’m just the Axe Grinder.

Agent Orange: That’s right, no one grinds Asses like you do! So, what kind of weapon should I bring to the ring for my match with the Three Stooges?

Axe Grinder: Well, I bring an axe and a hammer down to the ring when I’m in a match.

Agent Orange: An axe and a hammer? You need a hug, Ass Grinder. I’m not going to give it to you but you need one.

**The scene cuts to Orange in the ring with the three Yard-Tards.**

Agent Orange: To thank my three friends here, I’m going to give them a huge opportunity to get their careers along; they’re going to get to tell their yard-tard buddies that they wrestled Agent Orange in an actual match.

Porkins! Ring the bell!

**Porkins makes a “ding ding” sound and Agent Orange rushes across the ring at Porkins. Orange backs Porkins into the corner and gives him a real stiff knife-hand chop across the chest. Porkins plops down in the corner, holding his chest and practically cries. The Night Rapist tries to hammer rights and lefts down across the back of Agent Orange; Orange answers by whipping him to the garden hose ropes. Reaper stops himself because he knows the hoses would give and he’d hurt himself, Orange answers with a stiff dropkick to Reaper’s chest which sends him flying to the outside of the ring. Axe Grinder chops Orange across the chest twice and tries to whip Orange. Agent Orange reverses and drops the Axe Grinder on his head with a pile driver. The Axe Grinder holds the back of his head and squeals. Agent Orange has the camera man close in on the boys, laying on the ground and clearly hurting.**

Agent Orange: Tony, Alex and Stevie. Pay close attention; I just took a bunch of kids and I have just crushed their dreams. They wanted to be wrestlers and now they are going to be nothings, just like you guys. Sure, they’ll have their fleeting moments. They’ll tag some chick with phony cans at a bar, they’ll breed, but let it be said: they’ll never be great just like you three will never be great.

This looks ridiculous to you guys, right? A highly skilled and trained athlete against a bunch of kids who were just playing. That’s what our match looks like to me. That is what all of your matches look like to me. In my head, you three are just as bad as these kids; none of you have any business in a ring, in a professional wrestling ring.

At Leap of Faith, I don’t want to win, I just want the three of you to bleed.

**Camera cuts out**

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