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Marf · (12-16-2022)

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
A beautiful sight,
We're happy tonight,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

Gone away is the bluebird,
Here to stay is a new bird.
To sing a love song,
While we stroll along,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

In the meadow, we can build a snowman.
We'll pretend that he is Parson Brown.
He'll say, are you married?
We'll say, no man,
But you can do the job when you're in town.

Later on, we'll conspire.
As we dream by the fire.
To face unafraid,
The plans that we've made,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

There might have been a time when we would have been opening up to something magical and whimsical. Marf haphazardly travelling through the seven levels of the candy cane forest. Or Marf getting bombarded with paint cans tied to ropes. Or perhaps even good ole saint Marf suddenly being terrorized by three ghosts over the course of a drunken evening. Any of these scenarios could and is likely playing out right now somewhere in an alternate universe. There might even be a universe out there where Marf’s nose lights up bright red and it’s not just from cocaine.

…but?

But those times aren’t happening now. There is no sparkling landscape of puffy snow. Just the same ugly carpet. The same, uncomfortable couch. The same god damn expensive desk. And the same, poorly hidden, judgemental stare from the therapist. Except, this time there was something else hidden much better in those eyes. Marf missed it at first but halfway through the session, he’s picked up on it. Behind the usual judgments he saw guilt weighing deep in those tiny eyes.

So are we going to talk about why you didn’t make a better effort to win the television title?

Marf smirks to the dismay of the therapist.

What do you care if I win or lose? Aren’t you supposed to be unbiased in that regard or some shit?

Believe it or not I actually do care about you, Marf.

And there it was. She thought she kept it in but Marf heard the quiet crack in her tone.

And why is that, doc? I’m a horrible murderer, remember?

Cue obnoxiously long and awkward pause. Finally their eye contact breaks as the doctor lowers her head. She speaks softly now.

I have to tell you something, Marf. I understand the risk I’m about to take but the guilt has overwhelmed my soul.

An intrigued Marf cocks his head.

Your soul eh? You good, doc?

No, but I have to tell you the truth.

And what truth is that?

The therapist takes a long breath and then let’s it out.

You never killed Reika or Lycana. Theo Pryce never hired me nor has anything to do with our meetings. I’m a plant. I’m supposed to steer you away from what’s been happening. But knowing now what you’ve gone through I just can’t…

In a daze, Marf cuts her off.

They’re alive…?

I am not sure but I know you never murdered them in cold blood. It took a long time to coax you into believing that but I assure you it isn’t true…

Marf slumps in the couch while staring at the not so good doctor. His face is blank.

I never killed them…are they still alive?

Marf’s face begins to go beet red as a rush of emotions swarm him. He slowly shifts and starts to get up.

I uh, I h-have no idea that infuh-information has n-nuh-never been shared with me…

The bulking shadow of Marf begins to swallow her whole while he stands over her now.

You will find out and you will tell me everything next week when I come back here. Don’t respond, just do it.

Marf briskly leaves the room while she shivers in her spot. Unfortunately it would be the last time Marf would see his therapist alive.

P-p-promo times!

At the request of absolutely nobody, Marf will open with a lovely Christmas ballad. His voice will be more soothing than a pair of Alberta raccoons making love on a hot August eve…

Wrestling bells ring, are you listening?
It’s Vinnie Lane, his eyes are glistening.
A beautiful sight,
We’re making money tonight,
Walking in an XWF wonderland…

Gone away, are Cor and Thad,
Here to stay, are Kido and a King that’s mad.
To sing a Greek song,
Atara strolls in her thong,
Walking in an XWF wonderland…

In the back we can see Jenny blow a man,
We'll pretend that he is Chris Chaos.
He'll say, are you a real champ?
She’ll say, no man,
But they let me pretend so my infected vagina doesn’t frown...

Later on, Theo will conspire,
Why he lets, Charlie stay hired.
To face a gorilla,
Ned Kaye is vanilla,
Walking in an XWF wonderland!

Marf smiles warmly and bows while a roaring applause is played on several loops. Finally it’s turned off and Marf clears his throat.

So, has everyone been paying close attention? No, I’m not referring to the last Savage. Although, that was a lot of fun. I said my intention was not to win the television title but to simply hurt ole Isaiah and that is exactly what I did. He fucked me up and I fucked him up. I made Isaiah truly earn that win. He may have went home with the belt that night but every morning after when he wakes up sore and in pain, that’s all because of me. Each ache will stir a violent memory and Isaiah will forever know going to war with Marf is a battle every man should fear.

Cue the ole quick lean in trick.

You will never make it out unscathed…

And a shift back to a normal stance again.

No, I want to know if all the sheep out there have been watching. Keeping an eye on what’s been happening. Body after body being left behind by yours truly. Most recently was a pit stop at a true shit stop otherwise known as Thursday Anarchy. I had the pleasure of welcoming Major Jung to the XWF. I also got to see up close just why everyone is begging Jessica Anderson to hang ‘em up. And much like my pal Isaiah, those two fuck goofs get to wake up with aches and pains they’ll only remember as warnings to avoid ever seeing Marf again.

But that’s a big part of the fun of it! You can’t see it coming, nobody can. Anarchy, Savage, Warfare…it doesn’t matter. Nobody and I mean nobody out there is safe. I have no plans to stop destroying this roster. Not until I get my one on one shot at Jenny…she is the root of all this evil. It’s her fault these people are winding up hurt. She stole a title and a win from me. I fucking want them back! And if I can’t have such a simple request as a match granted…well then I will keep picking off the roster one by one until there’s nobody else left but her.

Marf shrugs because clearly he doesn’t make the rules here. A light smirk appears and he moves on just like that.

Gee, I wonder if Bam Bam will be gloating about his big win over Theo Pryce as if that is going to guide him through our match. I’m sure a few years ago that would be considered a decent accomplishment but these days? Nah, not so much. But kudos to you, Bam, at least you can say you didn’t lose to Theo. You know who you can’t say that about though? Yours fuckin’ truly! I don’t give a shit what victories you bring up over who and where. None of that matters when you don’t have a win against me!

But we both know I already walked out of a match against you as victor. And not just some throwaway match either. The Xtreme title was on the line in that fatal four way. In fact, it took place on pay per view, just in case your light beer drinking ass forgot. On a grand stage like that, with so much at stake you fuckin’ fizzled out like a wet fire cracker. The fuck makes you think this time will be different Bam? Are you expecting some magic in Santa’s village? Or do you think the bullshit food fight stipulation is going to protect you?

Marf leans in a bit painfully close for this.

Spoiler alert Bam, it’s not. I’ll gladly scarf down some mashed potatoes while shoving a turkey baster up your loose ass. I’m not sure what is weirder though, how well that thing will fit or the gentle look of satisfaction that will spread across your face.

A look of disgust crosses Marf’s face as he leans back.

Ya know, if you’re not sure what I mean I’m sure your little CCPE buddies can help show you. It’s a damn good thing you found them to cling onto. Let’s be real, if you weren’t with chris page and pals you would be back working part time at Sephora while driving your moms eight year old Lexus. Bam the coaster. You’re just kind of here, fucking coasting along waiting for someone to hand you another opportunity. Waiting for Chris Page to grab hold of your creepy carny looking hands and guide you to relevance.

Here we go again with the leaning forward and being all serious shtick.

Looks like your special boys forgot to grab hold of your hand and steer you the fuck away from me. Now I get to take whatever momentum you think you have and stop it dead. Check your watch Bam Bam, because Miller time is fuckin’ up. At the solstice food fight it’s time to cave your dopey fucking head in. Then I can continue my mission. And you, Bam Bam? Well you get to go back to doing what you do best, fuckin’ coasting bud. So crack a light beer and brace yourself for some coal. Santa Marf is about to fuck your shit up…

And despite being indoors it begins to snow as we fade to a Yuletide black.

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