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X-treme Wrestling Federation BOARDS »   » Archives » Bad Medicine RP Boards 2022
Suddenly Unexpectedly
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Bobby Bourbon Offline

XWF FanBase:
The 'cool' kliq fans

(booed by casual fans; opportunistic; often plays dirty while setting the trends)

11-19-2022, 04:54 PM

The last time we saw the King of the XWF he was busy losing twice at Relentless.

Apologies, XWF Universe. I have come to do maintenance.


We catch up with Bobby Bourbon, seated in an incredibly fabulous restaurant. The decor of the place implies class, there's no puns on the wall here, buckaroo. He's seated with his circle, the Bourbon Men, the Brotherhood of Bastards. We see Ash, Bobby's stylist. She is looking into her phone as any Gen Z worth their merit would. Berethea, Voodoo Priestess, is beside her, looking at the menu, because how often have you seen Voodoo Priestesses at Michelin Star restaurants? She is concerned about botching this and getting the wrong thing. Axe Mannix, Axe Man on Xanax, sits beside them, looking complacent with his antidepressants. The Bourbon Men seem to be following the X-Men trope of saying teams of very diverse people just go by being called men, as one does. Berethea speaks up.

I don't know what to order.

Neither do I, I usually just eat, y'know?

Right? Bobby, this place is a little beyond what I prefer.

Ash sighs.

I want the fucking Paella.

Ash still glares into her phone. Axe looks flummoxed at the declaration.

Why don't you appreciate this dinner more?

Axe, chill. She's probably hangry.

Yeah, I was told we were doing brunch, it's like four in the afternoon!

The Nutella crepes are to die for!

I want Paella!

Bobby slams his fist on the table.

Brunch isn't a time it's a way of life!

This is ridiculous, is this how all meals go?

Damn right!

Bobby looks back at his menu, pondering his options. As he does, a commotion erupts in the restaurant. An Elvis impersonator is tossing confetti into people's food! He’s dressed for Jail House Rock!

I'm a hunka hunka ruin your early-bird dinner!

Elvis walks around, sprinkling confetti into the meals of patrons throughout. Eggs Benedict gifted with glitter. Chicken and waffles and sparkles. Shrimp and grits and silly string. Elvis stopped by the party goods store for sure before taking the floor of the restaurant after walking through the door.

Heh, sucker.

Yeah, he can’t ruin our early-bird dinner, we’re doing brunch!

As Bobby declares this, Elvis chimes in.

You can do anything but lay off of your expensive food!

Elvis jumps onto a table and kicks a water glass into the stratosphere. A man's monocle drops in shock as an old lady faints.

Bobby, maybe you should, you know…

Bobby rolls his eyes.

Look, just because I'm a bloodcrazed gladiator doesn't mean I don't have empathy. That Elvis impersonator is just having a good time.

Yeah, well, I mean someone should beat the shit out of him, he's being an asshole.

Noted. I'm here to eat, not fight.

Things take a severe turn for the worse. Elvis walks out of the kitchen with a giant tub of Nutella.

I'ma put this on a sandwich with bananas in Graceland, fuck your crepes!

That seems to be the straw that broke the camel's back. Bobby stands up, ready to yell at Elvis, but, in a very strange set of circumstances another patron stands.

Hey, I was…

Bobby stops and looks at the other patron. The woman looks back at Bobby, gesturing with her right hand he should sit.

Uh, I wanted Nutella crepes, I got this.

Bobby gestures back.

I, uh, I usually clobber weird idiots though.

Bobby and the woman look at each other for a moment. She's beautiful, her large green eyes beset by a mane of fiery red hair. She stands nearly as tall as Bobby.

Well, I know how to fight, I don't need you fighting my battles.

I'm, uh, not though, I want to punch the Elvis impersonator now because I totally just convinced myself not to get the biscuits and gravy and try the Nutella crepes.


She shrugs. Elvis clears his throat.

Excuse me, I'm being obnoxious in public for no reason, do either of you plan on vigilantism today? I can come back tomorrow.

Bobby takes a step towards Elvis but stops short as he sees the woman, every bit his counterpart, also steps forward.

Oh, uh…

I mean if you really…

Elvis rolls his eyes.

Look, you are really, really beautiful.

Thank you, flattery will get you everywhere.

Bobby bites his lower lip and points at her.

You know?

She strikes a gaze at Bobby. Bobby stops and rolls his eyes slightly.

Do you mind if I? I have a party to go to after this, then another.

Oh? Well, I mean, if you're in a rush, far be it from me to stop a magnificent creature like you.

Bobby and she both smile. They both step towards Elvis, notice each other, then stop.

Oh, I was going to, you know, so you could get going.

Yeah, I see, but, um, you're being ridiculous.

I usually am.

Bobby stops, smirking at the goddess before him. She gazes back at the big bad big bad of big bads hisself, King of the XWF, Bobby Motherfucking Bourbon. Elvis shouts.

Hey! You know, there's a whole tray of bacon I could be peeing on.

Back off Elvis, I'm tryna get my mack on.

Your mack?

She giggles at Bobby, who seems tickled pink she's laughing.

Yeah, you're pretty, I'm fascinated, you seem interesting.

Oh? You don't know how dark and twisted I am!

Bobby blinks and just stares back, agog.

I'm the Bastard King, despoiler of realms and bringer of destruction.

She smiles, her eyes widening as she takes a sharp breath through her nostrils. Bobby stammers.

I, you know, not to toot my own horn.

Toot away, darling.

Really, c'mon! I'm disrupting mealtime and you're pulling a Harry Met Sally?

I'm faking the orgasm.

She snortles.

That's what you think.

If you don't get this overwith I swear I am…

Bobby holds a finger up and looks at the woman.

One sec.

Bobby calmly walks up to the Elvis impersonator.

Oh, you want a piece of the real king, huh? Well you ain't nothin' but a hound dog, and…

Elvis is cut off as Bobby grips him by the neck. The resident monster of the Xtreme Wrestling Federation drags Elvis by the throat to the door, Elvis's pelvis shaking the entire way. Bobby picks up a soup spoon off of a table along the way. Bobby stops at the door and lets go of Elvis, who looks shockingly back at Bobby. Bobby raises the spoon and places the concave side against Elvis's nose.

What the hell…

Bobby swiftly and violently punches the spoon, crushing the Elvis impersonator's nose in the process. Blood gushes from his face.


Bobby spins Elvis around and punts him right in the ass, sending the Elvis impersonator tumbling through the door. Bobby turns.

Elvis has left the building.

That was contrived.

I know.

Bobby walks up to the woman.

Hi, I’m Bobby Bourbon.

Hello, Bobby.

She laughs, bemused by the big goof.

I don't know that I'm really a wordsmith, but there are unknown words in every language ever known that could be used to describe you, and while I know many, there is one I don't know, and I need your help placing it.

She cocks an eyebrow.

What's that?

Bobby smirks.

What is your name? What do they call an incredible specimen like you?

She blinks slowly, rolling the biggest green eyes you have ever seen.

Bobby Bourbon? I am Bouncy Brickhouse, and it's a pleasure to meet you.

Bobby squints, smiling at the woman.


She laughs.

Well it's certainly been interesting, Mr. Bourbon, but I have to go.

Bouncy's crew stands from their table.

Ah, well, you enjoy your evening.

That's the plan!

Bouncy turns to leave as Bobby shrugs. She stops and turns, looking at Bobby with intent.

Oh, hold on. Let me see your phone!

No! You're going to steal my identity!

Maybe. I do like mine but yours could be fun.

Bobby squints and smiles. He unlocks his phone and hands it to her. She boops and presses away. She then hands it back to Bobby, blows him a kiss, and walks out with her entourage. Bobby looks down at the phone, grinning. He pumps his fist in the air, John Bender style. He walks back to his table.

What was that all about?

Bobby chuckles.

I don't exactly know but I was there for it.

What'd she do to your phone?

Bobby rolls his eyes.

She put her number in it. She gave me her number.

Ash smirks at Bobby.

Aw! Bobby did you just meet a girl?

Bobby scoffs.

Grow the fuck up. Let's eat.

Bobby glances one last time at his phone, shaking his head and smiling in slight disbelief. As he does, a man in a parakeet costume and riding a unicycle rides into the restaurant as two albino dwarves have sex on his shoulders. The restaurant stops once again. Bobby snortles.

Shit, I think these were the dorks I was supposed to beat up, I totally taxed homegirl's gig as a pulp icon.

[Image: gDnntnQ.png]
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[-] The following 7 users Like Bobby Bourbon's post:
"Loverboy" Vinnie Lane (11-19-2022), Charlie Nickles (11-20-2022), Doctor Louis D'Ville (11-19-2022), Finn Kühn (11-19-2022), Mark Flynn (11-22-2022), Theo Pryce (11-27-2022), Thunder Knuckles™ (11-20-2022)

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