From Ruby’s GoPro…

You know that scene from the Lion King, where Simba is waiting for a ‘surprise’ down in the valley? And suddenly, he notices the ground is starting to quake, and tiny bits of rock are popping up from the stone.

It is then he realizes, that there is a massive stampede headed his way, seemingly out of nowhere, and they’re all looking to run him over without a second thought.

That was mostly how Ruby felt  since the last Anarchy show. She had gone to great pains to put Centurion away and close the book on a lovers’ match-up, hoping to face either Unknown Soldier or HGH in the tournament’s final. Unfortunately, an actual, literal gorilla had different plans, and now the entire tournament roster was given a second chance to face Ruby in the final.

Ruby sighed as she finished up hogtying a pair of burglars in front of the Santa Fe PD. She’d spent the past few days here helping Nellie with some LFL work after signing her own contract. But the urge to go out and do some crime fighting had simply been too strong. As the bandits mumbled desperately through their cloth gags, Ruby gave them a playful slap on the head.

Ruby: “Hush! Breaking into an old people’s home, how very flippin’ double dare you! You’re lucky I was around to stop you, or the guilt you’d have been feeling after robbing some old folk blind would’ve eaten at you for the rest of your lives! At least, that’s what I hope! Most old people don’t even keep their fortune in a sock under the bed anymore, you know. All they have are mementos and memorabilia from days past. Sometimes it’s all they have to cling on to, because their kids don’t even bother to come and visit.

I don’t think I could ever put my folks in an old people’s home. I’d hire a private nurse so they can stay at home. And obviously I’d be over at least once a week to come hang out or to help. Like, cooking and stuff. Cleaning. Laundry. Ironing. I don’t understand why some people don’t like to help others. It’s the best feeling in the world! Like how I just helped both you guys and your victims!”

There was more muffled protest, and Ruby raised her eyebrows behind her mask.

Ruby: “What, you disagree? Your victims didn’t get robbed and YOU guys will probably get off with a stern warning rather than being caught and put on trial. After all, being brought in by a vigilante unfortunately is a quick way to get put back out on the streets because I don’t have a badge, I only have a Heroes’ Compendium. But it is my hope that you motherflippers will rethink your life. Because next time it won’t be a hogtie, it’ll be two broken arms and being strung up upside down from that street lamp over there. Because if there’s one thing the Super Dear’O does not take kindly to, it’s repeat offenders. Capisce?”

They both went silent and nodded. Satisfied, Ruby put one hand on her hip, and used the other to turn the GoPro her way.

Ruby: “There ya go, my flipsos! Another successful night of stopping potential perps from doing the crime, so they don’t have to do the time! Even society benefits! Lotsa popo disagree of course, but they’ll come round one day! So before we get into the nitty gritty, I have to address Lanerboy Lovie Vinn and Tula Keali’i! Because I don’t like to say I told you so, but my guy and gal… I flippin’ told you so! Had you just gone with Centurion vs. HGH and my own Banana-Lime hiney against Unknown Soldier, we wouldn’t be in this predicament right now and you’d have an Anarchy main event for the ages! Now, instead, we have a free-for-all brawl, also known as an elimination royale. And me, looking on in from the outside, to pick up the pieces afterwards.

Don’t get me wrong, this won’t be a foregone conclusion. I’m not going to stand here and say that nobody in the match can be the sole survivor AND pull out all the stops to put a fresh Banana-Lime Blur away. I’ve lost to Cashe before, and while his most effective finisher is knocking opponents out by letting him smell his armpits during a Greco-Roman knucklelock, he is one tough son of a bee to put down! Centy is always dangerous, of course, and I speak from experience when I say he has a ton of endurance! Guys like HGH and Soldier will probably be looking to bounce back from that gorilla-fueled embarrassment last time out, and guys like Holland will want to make their mark like his namesake country did when they colonized half of South America. Shame on you, Holland. At least your sex workers have better rights than most other country’s.

But while Lux and Raaby Raab and even the Mindful Master will try to show the whole of the XWF that they’re not to be taken lightly, I’ll be scouting well ahead, hoping to exploit any weakness you show during that elimination royale. Flip, I might take a seat at ringside and get an up close look. I’ve always wanted to do some commentary…”

Ruby was cut off as the PD’s door swung open and an armed officer stepped outside.

”You there! What are you doing!? Why do you have these men tied up?”

He pointed an accusatory finger at the Super Dear’O, who shook her head.

Ruby: “As the old adage goes, my guy: if you want something done right, you’ll have to do it yourself. And that’s what I’m going to do when I FINALLY become number one contender, and take down pesky Eddy so we can FINALLY… bring Order back to Anarchy!”

And she darted away into the night, leaving behind a confused police officer.

*end broadcast*