Oh you naughty girl…you mind if I spank you in front of Marf?

Uhhhh I mind, bro!

We open with a dimly lit shot of Marf, Charlie, and Connie sitting at a table in some shoddy bar in bumfuck who knows where. Obviously this is the Monday after the Halloween Savage because the Browns are playing the Bengals on a TV above the bar, and Marf is still bearing fresh wounds from his X-treme war. Charlie looks down as he caresses the center plate of his title.

You’re a dirty girl…but only for me, right? Right?!

Charlie looks down at his title belt suspiciously while Marf just rolls his eyes. After a few seconds Charlie smiles with love at his Connie.

Just checking!

Marf winces while taking a sip of barrel proof whiskey, cocking an eyebrow at Charlie and Connie as their public displays of affection get to be a bit much. Their waitress looks over and sees Charlie acting disgusting with the belt, so she walks away and doesn’t check on the two men at all. Marf takes another sip of whiskey as Charlie starts sliding his fingers into the gap between the championship gold and the leather strap.

Marf reluctantly breaks the alcohol infused silence.

So are you and the Supercontinental championship….dating?

Charlie takes his fingers out of the belt before looking at Marf excitedly.

Connie and I are in L-O-V-E.

I’m surprised you can spell that.

Charlie takes his fingers out of the belt’s gash and shoves them in Marf's face.

Spellmy fingers!

I’m not in the mood for this bullshit.

Marf slaps Charlie’s hand away. 

You know what? You’re just being a prick because you feel left out. I’m sorry you're third-wheeling it right now, buddy. It’s a crying shame that a bald bitch lucked into another fucking title, or we could be on a double date right now! Fuck man, you were so close, but you just couldn’t pull it out.…at least they're giving you the plan B for free though, right?!

Marf sours up for a moment as Charlie flashes a cocky wink.

It’s the usual bullshit. That dumpy bridge troll barely got the win and didn’t even have to pin me to do it. In a regular match I’d break her into several pieces before leaving her for Chris Chaos to put back together. But of course, it’s never that easy and now they’re protecting her stank ass by pairing her with Mark the fuckboy Flynn. It’s fucking infuriating and your sexy title shit isn’t helping!

Marf abruptly shifts in his chair, aggressively taking his whiskey and downing the rest of it. He winces again and stiffens up while Charlie shoots him a crooked grin.

Well, fuck a “me too” movement. Ole Jenny isn’t about to walk away consequence free. I’m not done with her ragged ass, not by a long shot.

Charlie laughs and reaches over, slapping Marf on the shoulder.

There’s some fire! Haven’t seen much of it since your time in BoB!

Marf brushes him off with a cold shoulder as he slams his empty glass onto the table.

What time? The six minutes I was in the group before getting kicked out for not being a “team” player?

The Nickleman lifts his hands up innocently, letting Connie rest in his lap as he does so.

Don’t get pissed at me! I was always advocating for you in the secret meetings...

The Nickleman told his lie, but Marf didn’t seem to notice. Charlie breathed a silent sigh of relief before carrying on.

You and me have had our ups and downs over the last, shit, decade and a half? But still…I know you’re good people, Marf. A bad guy, of course, but still good people! It’s just that you left Bobby out to dry at War Games and he pulled every string he could to get you removed. It doesn’t mean shit to me, we’re still homies…you just have to give them that letterman jacket back eventually.

Marf rubs the back of his neck nervously.

I miiiiight have sold that bitch on Craigslist…I had to get rid of it. I didn’t need the constant reminder that I fucked up what could’ve been a great thing. But I deserve exactly what I got for bailing on the boys.

Charlie’s eyes sadden as Marf stares at the ground, clearly feeling downtrodden. Marf sighs deeply before carrying on.

I’m trying not to focus on my past so much. Especially right now with this new opportunity dancing in my face. Not just a chance at reclaiming the Xtreme title for the second time inside a year. No no, a chance to dismantle that little goth queef inside the damn ring. A chance to take something away from her like she did to me. It’s all I care about now, hurting Jenny Myst. Maiming that bald troll. Leaving her broken and empty until she runs away again. If we’re lucky she’ll take that repetitive parrot of a pussy Chris Chaos with her…

Marf’s meaty hands open and close as he clenches his fists in anticipation.

I just wish we could fast forward to me taking that damn title off her and redeeming the poor belt before it’s infested with crabs…

The Nickleman brings his hands back down to Connie, caressing the belt's plate as he looked away from Marf. Charlie was never one for accountability or apologies, yet still, he felt laced with guilt over his role in all this. After all, Charlie was the man who brought Marf into the Bastards….and after Marf disappointed The Brotherhood at War Games, it was Charlie who called for him to be culled from the group.

Marf looked back up at Charlie with undue gratitude.

But hey man….just know I appreciate everything you did for me in BOB. I know you had my back, through and through, all the way to the end. Shit, I know you still have my back!

Charlie breathed in sharply through his teeth.

For sure…

Marf held onto his empty glass and looked around for the waitress as The Nickleman stared up at the ceiling. It was a Bastard eat Bastard world, so Charlie kicked Marf out of BOB in order to keep up appearances with the boys. Attaching a weak link to BOB’s chain would only make Charlie look weak to the rest of the Bastards, so he got ahead of that speeding bullet and made Marf eat it instead. Charlie didn’t hold any regrets in his life, but he did sometimes wish that the world was a gentler place. It was at times like these that The Nickleman’s cold heart could warm, at times like these when Charlie felt like he needed to make things right.

Charlie only did what he had to do to get ahead, yet still, he felt he owed Marf better. Marf helped free Charlie from the curse of Demos, and what had Charlie ever done in return? Charlie thought long and hard about that as he stared up at the empty space on the ceiling. 

Then a lightbulb suddenly flickered on.

You know Marf, you don’t have to wait until our match to go take what you deserve...

Marf chuckled in disbelief.

Sure, I can waste all my time trying to pin her, but everyone always kicks out of those! Especially with Chaos at her side, and now that Flynn is watching her back too….she would have to be the most pathetic champion ever to get caught off guard! I don’t think it’s even possible to pin her in the 24/7 hallways under these conditions...

Charlie waved away those very real concerns with a simple flick of his wrist.

Of course it is! We just need a good distraction, something to take everyone’s focus off the prize, something that will draw everyone’s eyes- and keep them there for at least 3 seconds…

Marf leaned over towards Charlie as he raised an eyebrow out of curiosity.

So what do you have in mind?

Charlie grinned like a dog as he leaned in to Marf.

Check it:

I’ll start calling out Jenny’s tag partner in the backstage area, telling everyone what a phony bitch he is, pointing out that he’s just a WGWF whipping boy. I’ll make a total fucking ruckus in the locker room, so loud and crass that everyone will hear me. Then Mark Flynn has to respond- because if he doesn’t, everyone will KNOW he’s a pussy lil’ bitch! And he doesn’t want that!

Ok, so Mark won’t be able to break up the pin…but what about Chaos?

The Nickleman rolls his eyes as he picks up his Connie and places her on top of the table mindlessly.

Are you kidding me? Chris Chaos is going to be even more distracted than Flynn! He’s going to be standing there with a pen and a notepad, taking notes and trying to figure out how to talk like us! How to talk like a WINNER! Chaos is nothing but a fucking fanboy at the end of the day, so he’s going to be entranced by a main event level back-and-forth.

Marf puts a hand on his chin as he slowly nods his head up and down.

Alright, that makes sense…but what if Jenny just kicks out of the pin anyways?

Marf brings his hand off his chin to accentuate the question, but Charlie shrugs it off just the same.

Come on man, are you joking again? That bald bitch is five-foot nothing and weighs all of 69 pounds, her wig notwithstanding. She’s built like a twig and you’re built like a god-damned Brahma bull, or whatever the fucking Canadian equivalent is! You put her on her back and that goose is as good as cooked.

And then, after you roll that bald bitch up- there's no fucking way we can lose on Savage! We'll have total control of the narrative, Mark and Jenny will be like fucking playdough in the palm of our hands. We'll have their backs against the corner, and we'll know their gameplan right out the gate. Jenny's a narcistic cunt, so she'll only work with Mark if he agrees to let her pin you. Mark will cost Jenny her belt, and then she's going to cost him the match! She won't even let him try to pin me, which means their odds of winning this match drastic go down by 50%!

Just trust me, bro. This will work perfectly. When have I ever led you wrong before?

Marf didn’t think too hard about that question as he and Charlie exchanged crooked smirks. The pair of carnies clasped hands and guffawed, clearly satisfied with their conspiratorial schemes as the camera fades to black.




A FEW DAYS LATER




The XWF locker room is filled with dark clouds as Marf and Charlie each smoke on a fat blunt backstage. An XWF championship belt is slung over both men’s far shoulders as they stand next to a pair of dented lockers, staring into the camera with shit-eating grins and absolutely no remorse. Based upon all the muffled crying you can hear off camera you’re pretty sure this was taped right after Marf pinned Jenny for the X-treme championship. Another lit blunt has been taped onto Connie’s metallic plate so that she too can enjoy this moment. Marf blows out a hefty cloud of smoke while slapping his newly won championship belt.

Well shit, that was easy! Christ, you would’ve thought the dumb bitch would display some form of pride in being champ. I didn’t even have to break her to take this lovely title from her. Now I just get to do that for fun!

Charlie threw his head back in Bastardly laughter.

What did I tell ya Marfy!? Why wait when you can take what’s yours whenever you damn well please!

They both take another big hit as they fill the back with the pungent odor of Burn The World, BOB’s #1 selling marijuana strain!

Now how is Jenny supposed to spin that same, tired rhetoric about how I had my best days while in the Left Hand? Tell me, are my best days still behind me, Jen? Even without this newly won title, my best days have only just begun. Back then I won one title, since moving on I’ve won several. But I suppose it is easier to just make shit up eh Jenny? It’s must be hard talking out of your ass so much considering how far your head is lodged in there. Even before the boot camp buzz cut you just aren’t pretty enough to be this stupid. On the upside, at least you still have time to work on all your excuses. Or have Marky Mark do that for you too. Let me guess, the optimal path doesn’t include holding onto the Xtreme title past a couple days?

Marf chuckles and fist bumps Charlie before hitting the blunt once more. Meanwhile, Charlie stares deadcenter into the camera while spitting some hard truths.

Mark Flynn? Shit, if he steps to me tomorrow night I’m going to turn his ass to Mark Finn, just like I’m known to do to those Kuhnts on Wednesday nights! I’ve created a trail of destruction in this company dozens of bodies wide, so I’m not just playing around when I say I might end someone’s career tomorrow night.  But Mark Fin? Shiiit, all that bitch knows how to do is play those fucking games! He never means anything he says, he just says it to look cool. How fucking pathetic. When I say Mark Flynn’s a buster, a bitch, and a body just waiting to be turned cold you know I damn well mean it!

Hell, Peter Vaughn can’t even get work as a mechanic anymore- not after what I did to him. I put his motor to the test, under conditions he chose, and he still ran out of gas so fast that I was lapping him after the second turn! By the time we got to the end I was simply running up the score! I showed everyone that Petey’s nothing more than a wet pussy whistle, and I did it in a match type he picked! Yet somehow our universal champion lost to this fucking guy? What an embarrassment.

If Flynn’s body is so worn out that he can’t even beat Peter Vaughn, then how the hell is he going to carry Jenny through this match?

Fuck if I know. Now THAT sounds like mission impossible!

If those CCPE guys knew what was good for them, they’d stop agreeing to fight The Nickleman. I make my living by dismantling them, I can pick apart everyone in that clown car like a real mechanic should, and then I shove my banana into their exhaust pipes for fun! Then again, if the CCPE guys knew what was good for them they would’ve never joined that pyramid scheme in the first place!

Don’t tell Flynn that or you’ll wind up with some bullshit math problems before you know what hit ya.

The two champions share another laugh while deep down they’re both wondering if they’ll be asked to solve for X. Then, Marf looks down at his newly won title belt and realizes he is the ultimate X!

With both their delusions in overdrive I’d say Mark and Jenny are a perfect match. At least until Mark gets tired of carrying that deadweight and kills her off like his last partner. Or until a gust of wind causes Jenny to change her mind on who she actually likes and doesn’t. Jenny Myst loves Chris Chaos, hates Chris Chaos, and then loves Chris Chaos like she just flicks a fucking light switch. That tiny, flickering Christmas bulb of a brain of hers can’t seem to stay focused on one thing for more than a few seconds. Guess that’s why she no longer has this…

Marf lifts the Xtreme title and gives it a shake to prove his point.

Jenny Myst her chance to be a real champion, and now she wants to make it everyone else’s problem! She had her chances with the TV belt before dropping it twice in a month, like winning big matches was some sort of bad habit Jenny was desperate to kick. Christ she’s had crabs that have stayed with her longer than these title runs. By the way, STDs aren’t Pokémon Jen, you don’t have to catch them all. But seriously, Jenny lucked into and out of three championship reigns across two divisions, but tomorrow night all her luck is going to run out. At Savage Jenny will have no haunted house to hide from us. Just a ring and a beating that is sure to knock loose whatever screws are left in that chrome dome.

Run your sloppy mouth about how I didn’t earn this. Marf again raises the Xtreme title. It doesn’t matter what excuses you wanna use. What matters is you have nobody to blame but yourself, bitch. I didn’t need to earn fuck all when it was right there for the taking. You’re so lackluster Jen that even your predictable attempt to get the belt right back fell flat. You could have at least tried to catch me off guard. But of course, the flea circus residing in your head just couldn’t come up with anything better or original. You tried nothing and now you’re all out of ideas, shocker! It’s brain dead whores like you Jenny that are the reason shampoo bottles have instructions on them.

Yeah, cause after we beat her tomorrow night Chris Chaos is going to leave that bald bitch at the altar....AGAIN! And then she'll have to fuck herself with a shampoo bottle in the shower to feel any kind of love at all!

Marf looks over at Charlie in bewilderment before softly chuckling. The camera fades to black as the carnies finish off their blunts and toss the roaches to the ground.