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#MemeQueen Luca Torchwick · (07-10-2013)

Keep trying, Heyman!

Present day

So I'm here to talk about how big of a failure Paul Heyman is, but first I want to give myself some praise for what I've accomplished as of late. And of course most of you are probably sitting there saying that I haven't done much of anything ever since I kicked thirty different asses in March. But the fact of the matter is, I've done more without even competing in a match than all of you COMBINED. Luca Arzegotti is proof of that fact. Do me a favor, check Luca Arzegotti's colors. Look at where his allegiance lies. Ask him who the rightful king is. Once you've done that, you'll understand that John Madison was working hard all along and you didn't even realize it.

You see, without me, Luca Arzegotti would not have amounted to anything. If he hadn't followed in my shadow, he would still be Luca Arze-what-ti. He would be bragging about a pathetic UFO-FTW Title reign or having Mister Mystery and Unknown Soldier winning his titles for him. He would be Peter Gilmour; stuck at the bottom with very little growth. Being Peter Gilmour isn't difficult. Like I just said, being Peter Gilmour means you just tag along for the ride. I did the same thing for Benjamin Crane when I gave him a victory over Sid Feder. But then right after, I took that backpack off of my shoulders, tossed it over a bridge, and we haven't seen Crane since. Luca Arzegotti doesn't just tag along for the ride. Luca Arzegotti gets shit done, Peter. He isn't anything like you or Benjamin Crane.

That's why Luca Arzegotti won the Elimination Chamber and Peter Gilmour didn't. Luca doesn't need John Madison to hold his hand, he only needs John Madison's training and instructions. Luca knows that if he carries out my orders that he'll come out on top, better than the rest. Just look at the results of him having me as his mentor.

At Leap of Faith he gets to stand right next to me on the podium while the slackers watch on a backstage monitor. While the rest of you slackers are showering off and patting yourselves on the back for doing "OK," and picking up your pathetic pay check, Luca will be in the big money match with the King of the XWF. Slack-ass shitheads like Sebastian Duke, Sid Feder, Peter Gilmour, and Unknown Soldier envy my Luca. And besides the fact that they all envy Luca, what else do those four men have in common? They talk a lot of trash to Johnny, maybe even beat him up a little bit, but in the end Johnny walks away with the top prize.

Peter Gilmour talks about crippling me.

Unknown Soldier talks about drinking my blood.

Sebastian Duke sends out some cryptic messages.

The Feders try their hardest to humiliate me.

But here I still stand, thirty victories later, with the top title of the federation on my head. It's no wonder that Luca came out on top at Wild Card Weekend. He learned from John Madison and John Madison reigns supreme over all four of those men. Check the records.

Check the records and tell me how many times Sebastian Duke, Sid Feder or Peter Gilmour have held the King of the XWF crown.

Sid Feder likes to talk about how he endured the toughest wrestling competition in the business-- Lethal Lotto. But he seems to forget that I blazed through thirty wrestlers in one night.

Where was Sid Feder then? If I recall correctly, he was in the arena that night. So since he was there in the same building as me, shouldn't he be able to prove to me that he is in fact three times better? But no, Sid Feder chose to sit back and do nothing.

Oh wait, he tried to humiliate me by branding me and stapling a picture of Flo Feder to my face.

It hurt me a little bit, Sid. It really did. It hurt almost as bad as Mister Mystery shoving my head into a vice, twisting my arm, and shoving me into the Singapore bay. But even after all that "hurt," I went on to claim the King of the XWF crown in a thirty man gauntlet match. So evidently, the pain that you and your boys caused me wasn't enough to stop me from claiming the top title in the business.

The fact is, after it was all said and done, you did nothing about me walking out of Gauntlet City with the crown. You did nothing significant about me spearing Flo off the stage, you did nothing about me trapping you into losing to Crane, and you'll do nothing to stop me from wearing this crown.

Why didn't your father cash in his briefcase? Hell, you seem like a creative guy, why didn't you put on Mystery's mask, steal his briefcase, and cash it in for yourself? Mark Flynn did something similar back in the day and it made his pro wrestling career.

I'll tell you why; because cowardice runs through the Feder bloodline. Sid Feder can attack me from every angle and put me through the worst beatings imaginable. He could cut off my testicles, carve his name into my forehead, and reduce me to nothing but a flopping torso.

Does that mean Sid Feder can beat me? Not even close.

I'll make you a deal, Sid. You go ahead and keep attacking me. Attack me and make it as brutal as you can. Peel off my fingernails with your teeth or carve a drawing of your penis-- vein and all-- into my face. You do whatever you need to do, and I'll endure it with open arms. Yes, you go ahead and continue to dish out all that punishment, and I'll continue to punish you by simply being your king. A king that you cannot overthrow. A king that you cannot kill despite your best efforts.

The same can be said for Luca. Remember last Wednesday, everyone?

There we were, me and Luca having a good ol' fashion, Jim Hickbilly hoedown, and Sid Feder made it his M.O. to crash the fuckin' party. You actually brought a loaded firearm to Luca Appreciation Night, Sid. You brought a loaded fucking firearm, and you shot Luca Azregotti after he gallantly jumped in front of the bullet for me. Luca could have been eliminated from the main event! Not to mention, Sebastian Duke tried to injure me as well with the triangle choke.

What a travesty. But yet I'm still the king and Luca Arzegotti is still the number one contender. Nothing has changed, nothing at all. Do you see how that works, Sid? Do you understand that no matter how much you kick and scream, the end results will always be the same?

And despite all of that, Luca Arzegotti and I continue to be harassed by Paul Heyman. What's the matter with you, Paul? Luca Arzegotti EARNED his spot in the King match and you have the gall to dictate to him how he'll use it? Hey Paul, why don't you put more effort into building a stronger roster so that Luca doesn't have such a cake walk next time? Luca goes through all of that trouble to win his spot in the main event and you want to start making up rules on the fly now? Does the contract not say that the winner gets to face the king after he wins Wild Card Weekend? Where does it say that Luca isn't allowed to lay down to the finger poke of doom? You're fucking out of control, Heyman, and not in a good way. Have you forgotten about what happens when you lose control, Paul? Do we really need to revisit 2001?

You know, it wasn't clear to me before, but now that I see how this is all playing out. I realize that this is all a scheme that has been put together by Paul Heyman. Paul got upset that The Black Circle outsmarted him when we called him out on his breach of contract. Then Paul became furious when he watched helplessly as The Black Circle took home the King match. So now he's sending all his boys out to try and ruin our party. He knows that he can't compete with The Black Circle so he's making all these absurd, unjust moves. Absurd moves like putting Sid Feder in this match as the special guest referee. Really, you're putting Sid Feder in there as an official? Wow, Paul, is Sid Feder your new John Samuels? Is he gonna be on a roll for a month and then flake out?

I mean, he tried to assassinate the king for fuck's sake!

It all makes sense now. Just look at the Leap of Faith card and listen to what Paul Heyman had to say on Madness.

First, he puts his boys Sebastian Duke and Sid Feder into the match as referees. We all know that Sid Feder isn't a good fit to referee a match as prestigious as this one. How many matches has Sid Feder refereed anyway? Not enough. A match of this magnitude deserves someone more qualified and less criminal. Someone like Charles Robinson who knows how to hustle and always calls it down the middle. Instead, we get Sid Feder; the man who shot one of the competitors just a couple of days ago. Is that really the type of person you want to officiate the main event, Paul Heyman? I suppose that if I hit Luca with a closed fist, Sid might just put a bullet in my rib cage, right? Is that the kind of shit you want, Paul? Shit, and you're trying to accuse me of defacing the main event. In my opinion, you're doing a better job of that at the moment. You put a man in charge of the king match who's guilty of attempted murder!

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for making matches crazy as fuck, but don't act like you're bringing justice to the match, Paul. In fact, you're just stooping down to my level by putting Feder and Duke in there as referees. Do you know what you're getting yourself into, Paul? Do you think that just because you're capable of making Nightmare's life hell, that you're ready to step up to John Madison and The Black Circle? Go back and practice some more, Paul. You don't have a clue what you're doing. You lost rounds one and two, what makes you think you can win round three? You couldn't stop Luca from making a mockery of the king match so you throw everything you can at us and hope that something works.

You're so fucking sloppy, Paul Heyman. It's no wonder you couldn't take ECW to the next level. You made a couple of bold moves, but in the end you ran the business like a slob. Is throwing Sebastian Duke and Sid Feder out there the best you can come up with? Next you'll try to make it a Lumber Jack match with John Black and Peter Gilmour as the lumber jacks.

All I can say is, your performance in round three so far is just as pathetic as your performances in rounds one and two. Why don't you go back to doing something you're good at, like running Monday Madness into the ground.

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Why is Paul Heyman addicted to failure?
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