CCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

The Nickleman pushes open the door and charges out of the tiny shack in the middle of the frozen tundra, into what some folks refer to as ‘Canadaland’. The world around the Nickleman appears to be all but a blur: the rampaging snowflakes whirl around in the wind, greatly limiting his field of vision. As Charlie tries to walk through the storm, those special and unique snowflakes are whipped back and forth by the same shifting winds that knock tweeter birds senseless.

Charlie covers his eyes as he walks to prevent the snow from blinding him further. As the camera zooms in right on Charlie you can tell that this bastard is suffering from an extremely severe case of hypothermia, or maybe it’s frostbite: you’re not a doctor so you’re not entirely sure. But still, it looks really bad. His skin is greatly discolored and his body shivers relentlessly. Also, you can see that the clothing around his groin is now red- but that’s not related to his frozen balls at all!

WE CAN STILL BE TOGETHER, CONNIE! I PROMISE I’LL BUTCHER THIS RAT!

NOW HELP ME FIND YOU!


The Nickleman stands still in the middle of the blizzard before moving his hands down from his eyes towards his mouth, encircling his lips with his palms so as to form a fleshy megaphone.

MARCO!

……

BABY, I SAID MAAAARRRRCOOOO!

……

Now you need to say ‘Polo’ so I can find you!


The Nickleman shivers and shakes his head in annoyance with Connie’s lack of responsiveness….but you know Connie isn’t out here. So why is Charlie so intent on reclaiming this shifting black-and-white photograph? The Nickleman starts rubbing his snow-covered arms with his frostbitten palms, trying to regain a sense of feeling out in this cold storm.

YOU CAN’T RUN FROM ME FOREVER, YOU FUCKING RAT!

The Nickleman carries forward on his quest through the cold, unperturbed by the odds of finding a rodent in this blizzard. Charlie shakes his head from side to side as his breathing becomes increasingly labored. As the OCW double-champion and homegrown XWF product marched through the snow, he briefly thought back to everything that had led him down this dangerous path.

It was a phone-call from OCW’s new majority owner, Thaddeus Duke, that led Charlie to Canadaland in the first place. Thaddeus told Charlie he was having severe problems with roster management and H.R. issues in OCW, and that the Duke clan needed a goon to come through and have their back- with handsome compensation. Charlie couldn’t say no to the price tag Thaddeus put on his services, and with that he was off into the OCW, sweeping up the competition and winning match after match.

OCW had been touring throughout Canada, and Charlie was constantly traversing intra-continental borders to make both his XWF and OCW bookings. Of course, Canada would never offer someone like The Nickleman a working visa, so he came up with his own superior way of getting across the border. It’s just a damn shame this blizzard was cutting right through Charlie’s favorite smuggling routes!

Alas The Nickleman found himself trapped between borders, trapped between companies, and trapped between lovers as his memories of Connie Nichols began running together with his memories of the Supercontinental championship. As he walked through the whirling tundra his brain truly froze, and Charlie would even swear that Jack Frost himself was nipping at his cock.

I…must……get her…..

The Nickleman pushed on regardless of his circumstances, regardless of his romantic confusions, regardless of the danger swirling around him and his choices. The uncaring cold would simply have to deal with The Nickleman being up in it, on it, and all throughout it!

No one else can have her….

The falling snowflakes repeatedly slapped Nickles in the face, but he was used to the torment by now. He had even come to embrace it. As the madman trekked single-mindedly through the snow his mind was frozen upon the image of the woman he so madly loved. His mind was fixed on the image of the Supercontinental belt…but Connie Nichols’ face was engraved upon the center-plate!

You’ve always been so beautiful…but I think I love you now more than ever…

The Nickleman said to no one in particular as hypothermic hallucinations began to set in and take complete control of the man. Charlie dropped to his knees in the middle of the storm, staring up into the heavens with anguish on his face and a growing red spot on his pants.

MY LOVE……DO NOT FORSAKE ME! DO NOT FORGET ABOUT ME! I HAVE DREAMED OF YOU ALWAYS!

The Nickleman screamed out into the frosty ether. As he stayed still on the ground, his exposed flesh became increasingly covered in the windy snow. The Nickleman felt his heart freezing as the sick delusion of his dreams seemed to be as far from him as ever. He sat there in the snow, unmoving and unblinking, as his body temperature dipped lower and lower.

Yo, Charlie? Is that you? Man, what the fuck are you doing all the way out here?!

Amidst the blowing blizzard a blurry man comes into form, dressed in all-white snow gear, very much obstructed from view. Charlie has to blink a few times just to even see him apart from the blurring storm!

Who are you…and how the fuck do you know my name?

The gravely discolored and disoriented Nickles growls back at the intruder. The blurry man in the snowgear holds his hands up innocently.

Eaaassssyyy now, partner- I’d recognize your shrieking voice from anywhere.

The blurry man takes another step forward as he removes his head covering, and o-m-g, it’s MARF!

What the fuck are you doing out here, Chuck?

The Nickleman, while shivering on the ground, responds slowly.

I was…coming back from…..the OCW show! Trying….to make it…..to Warfare….but then a rat….. and my photo….. and it bit my cock a-

Yeah, ok, I think you’re going to die if we don’t get you somewhere warm and dry.

What are you…..doing out here?

The Nickleman asks as Marf undoes his coat and wraps it around his shivering friend of many, many years.

Well I was just going to the grocery store, but then I heard you out here screaming and thought ‘oh shit, what did Charlie get himself into this time?’

Nothing….that I can’t get myself out of…

Riiiight….now come on, I got the fireplace going and hot cocoa on the oven.

Oh fuck yes….I love coke….

Cocoa, not co- you know what? Fuck it, let’s just get you out of here.

The camera slowly zooms out as Marf ushers the iced out Nickleman through the storm, towards Marf’s quaint Canadian residence. The scene fades to black as the two men walk off screen.





We cut to a shot of Charlie and Marf sitting in front of a warm fireplace drinking hot cocoa out of XWF branded mugs while sitting in beat-up leather chairs. Marf even has a cute chocolate mustache now! The Nickleman seems to have warmed up, probably due to the literal pile of blankets on top of him. Charlie has finally regained the proper color to his face and the proper feeling in his limbs, but still, his mind just can’t quite seem to get something right…..

Connie, Connie, my Connie…

The Nickleman tries to shake the frosty cobwebs out of his brain before he takes another sip of chocolatey goodness from his mug. Marf looks over to him with a friendly smile.

Still worked up over that gal, huh? Hey man,  I can see why. Shit, I still remember when we first saw that little firecracker out in some rinky-dink outdoor wrestling show. How many years ago was that?

The Nickleman smiled back at Marf, but that smile quickly faded as Charlie turned his head to the side and gazed into the flames feeding into the brick chimney. Marf cocked his head to the side curiously before he shrugged and decided to drop the subject altogether.

So….you’ve got a big match coming up on Warfare, huh? You and Peter going 1-on-1 for one of the top belts in all of wrestling. Shit, no wonder you wanted to get back to the States so badly! I bet you’ve been looking forward to this match for a long time. Hell, do you remember when they first debuted the new Supercontinental championship? You just about came in your pants when you first saw it’s design! I wish I would have taken a picture of what your face looked like while I was standing next to you! They brought that belt out to the ring and weeeeooooo, your imagination went wild!

Marf looked over at Charlie, trying to get him to warm up and start talking. Charlie just stared into the fire until Marf nudged him.

You hearing me, pal?

The Nickleman slowly cocked his head to the side, looking back over towards his long-time friend.

Yeah…but Marf, weren’t those the same two stories? You’re kind of confusing me man, why do you keep repeating yourself? It’s all just one big blur to me anyways…

Marf’s face contorts in confusion as The Nickleman stares back into the raging fire in front of them.

What are you talking about?

Marf waited for a response but it was absolutely no use. Charlie was completely entranced by the fireplace, or more accurately, by something he saw within the flames.

My Connie….I’m coming for you….just like I’ve always wanted to.

What the-

Marf blinked real hard and then shook his head from side to side as Charlie took another casual sip of cocoa. Marf knew Charlie was a bit of a loose canon, shit he found that out over a decade ago. So Marf knew exactly when to just let Charlie be Charlie, and this was one of those times.

Ok man, whatever you say.

Charlie and Marf both leaned back in their chairs as they finished off the cocoa, Charlie still warming up beneath a pile of blankets. Both men stared into the flames with intent, but Marf was just trying to figure out what Charlie was looking at. Was it that piece of wood burning kind of weird?

You’ll always be mine, Connie, now and forevermore….

Marf rolled his eyes as he looked back at Charlie.

Yeah, you said the same thing about Goldi right?

The Nickleman turned back towards Marf with a completely neutral expression.

It’s nothing of the sort. When compared to my loving Connie, that vivacious Goldi was just a cheap trick keeping me distracted from what really mattered in my life.

Oh yeah? And what’s that?

Connie.

Said Charlie without missing a beat as he turned his gaze towards the now dying flames in the firepit. Marf just chuckled to himself, clearly used to Charlie’s antics by now.

So tell me, Mr. White Knight, are you going to need a ride to the airport so you can get to Dallas on time? I’m not sure if walking the entire length of America is the best way to get there.

Nickles shook his head ‘no’.

BOB’s new guy is going to pick me up…it’s part of the deal, you know.

Marf rolled his eyes again.

Well no, I don’t know because those assholes kicked me out of BOB. All over one little War Games, like it was really that important? But no, Charlie, I don’t know.

The doorbell rings. The Nickleman turns over to Marf with a knowing smirk.

Time to find out.

The camera starts to zoom out as Marf looks around in confusion. Charlie, meanwhile, stands up out of his chair. He casts the many blankets off of himself, and as he goes to walk towards the front door we can see that he is holding an ice pack to his ballsack. The scene fades to black just as Charlie opens Marf’s front door, causing Marf to shoot up to a standing position.

Well there you are, Crash…I thought you’d never make it!

Dude, you just took off after your second match on the pay per view. I was in the locker room waiting to give you a ride to Warfare!

Yeah, right….excuses don’t make champions.





HONK! HOOONK! HOOOOOOOOONK!


Get out of the way, motherfuckers!

God damn it, Crash! This is why you should’ve brought the Bastard’s limo!

We cut to a camera shot inside of a small car. Like, a really small car.

This car to be exact.



We see OCW wrestler and newest BOB addition Crash Rodriguez sitting in the driver’s seat with Charlie Nickles seated next to him. Charlie’s ball sack seems to be doing much better now, and he doesn’t look to be suffering any physical effects from his snowy journeys! The mental effects, however, can never be observed quite so easily. Over in the driver’s seat the latino Bastard is smoking on a big fat cigar, filling the entire car with thick clouds of smoke.

4 OCW championship belts are stacked up in the tiny hatch of the car. A panning closeup of the camera reveals that the OCW Savage Championship, the OCW Craze Championship, and the OCW tag-team championships are in the Bastard’s possession.

The small car is zipping down the freeway, swerving between larger vehicles as Crash honks on the horn furiously and flips off just about everyone he passes.

I would’ve brought the Limo, but you fucked it up in some stupid ass police chase in the lead-up to last Warfare!

The Nickleman looked over to Crash incredulously.

Did I?

Crash looks back at him slack jawed as the cigar drops out of his mouth, onto the flooring of the car.

Uh…yeah. Fucking shit!

Crash briefly removes his foot from the gas pedal to stomp out the cigar. After the potential fire is averted, Crash goes back to slamming down on the accelerator.

The repair bill on the limo is insane.

Is it going to be alright?

Nickles looks at Crash as innocently as possible.

Yeah, it should be ready whenever Bobby or TK decides to use it for something.

Oh, that’s convenient.

Yep.

Nickles and Crash both turn their focus back towards the road, which is for the best, since Crash is going at least 90 miles per hour in this tiny car. You know it’s at least 90 miles per hour because the speedometer goes up to 90, and Crash is way past that!

So….you got a pretty big match coming up, eh?

Why does everyone keep saying that?

I mean, probably because it’s true…

What’s true about it? Pussy Pete is a bitch-made champion and I’m the baddest motherfucker that’s ever represented the XWF. There’s no way this bitch has a chance, all he’s doing for me now is keeping Connie warm until I can snatch her down from above the ring.

Can you believe this piece of shit? Trying to suspend a beautiful woman above the ring like this is all some sort of sick game….what a fucking tool.

Oh yeah, that sounds like Vaughn.

You know Vaughn?

Crash laughs.

Heh, yeah, to put it lightly.

So how do you know him?

Charlie raises a curious eyebrow as Crash keeps swerving between different lanes of traffic, switching into whichever lane is the least congested at the time.

I worked with him, more or less. Saw him around backstage, always thought he was just some lazy janitor. didn't see him clean up much. Then I joined his little exile group, not long, greener pastures opened.

Damn, so you were there in the trenches with him? Peter Vaughn told everyone he was exiled from the OCW...is there some truth to that?

Exiled? Funny, we always called it a purge.

The Nickleman laughed and rolled his eyes, because of course Peter Vaughn always has to add his own marketing spin to everything.


So….do you know Peter was ever really a janitor? Or is his entire life an act?

He was as much a janitor as he is a wrestler!

Both Bastards cackle before executing a perfect no-look fistbump, ala Bobby and TK.

So that damned Peter Piper likes to talk a big game about how dominant he was in OCW. And you know what I’ve been thinking lately? Shit, maybe Vaughn was as dominant over in OCW back then as I am now. I mean, was Peter Vaughn ever pinned inside an OCW ring? I know I’ve never been, and never will be!

An OCW ring, a TPW ring, and even those backyard bullshit Outsider’s rings he came from.

Pfft, figures. I knew there was no way Petey could match my dominance! He’ll never be as good as I’ve been anywhere, no matter what paper trophies they let him hold onto!

Nickleman smiles to himself and the two drive on in silence for a little while. Then, Nickles turns back towards Crash.

So shit…you and Petey go way back, eh? That’s fun, that’s real fun. Do you have any last words of encouragement you want to give to Peter?"

Crash seems to mull the offer over a few seconds before he slows the car down and pulls off into the shoulder.

What the fuck…

Crash throws the car in park before bowing his head and bringing his palms together.

Peter. Please forgive me, as the Bastardly Father has forgiven you. For you see, this is not a personal grudge, instead it is the way in which our lord above, and so below, operates. The Brotherhood of Bastards seek not satisfaction, but instead for total salvation. Through oblivion, a new world will be created. Through your end, a better era will come. I plead to the Bastardly Father, as much as I can, that he give my brother Charles the strength, to do what you could never. Clean the mess that is this world, and usher in an era of purity. An era of bastards.

Charlie watches this go down, a bit in awe of the spontaneity of it all. At the end of the prayer Crash nods up towards the heavens before restarting the vehicle and driving down the highway a few more miles. It’s not long before Crash takes an exit off the highway and begins speeding through some residential neighborhoods. The small rental car dips into an alley and pulls up behind a big red house before Crash throws it in park. As the camera pans around the house you can see that some windows are boarded up and the grass is extremely overgrown.

Welp, you’re here. The nicest foreclosed house in Dallas. Think you can rest your head here for the night?

Definitely.

The Nickleman nods as he opens up the car door. Charlie is about to walk off towards his lodging, but he decides to dip back into the car as a quick question races through his mind.

Hey Crash, I gotta ask ya something….

Crash looks over to Charlie curiously.

Yeah man, you can ask me anything: what’s up?

The Nickleman looks over to the collection of OCW gold in the back hatch before turning his attention back towards Crash.

You game to hit up the XWF and win some mo’ tag gold for the Bastards?

Crash looks to be mulling the offer over as the scene slowly fades to black.





Peter Con might be as delusional as they fucking come.

Or maybe he isn’t delusional at all…maybe he’s just a shit-nosed little bitch who’s too afraid to admit the truth!

While Peter Vaughn and Mark Flynn have been off in the WGWF sucking Chris Page’s cock, I’ve been holding down the fort every Wednesday night, in almost every Warfare main event since Leap of Faith! Where was Peter Con last Warfare? Did anyone see him? I sure as fuck didn’t see him! Not when I was warming up backstage, and not when I was out there in the main event kicking Finn’s ass!

But what about the Warfare before that one….surely the FACE OF WARFARE wouldn’t skip out on two Warfares in a row, right? And he certainly wouldn’t miss out on the Warfare RIGHT BEFORE THE XWF’S BIGGEST SHOW OF THE YEAR, RIGHT?!

Wrong.

Peter Con, the champion of Warfare, wasn’t on XWF TV that night either! Not in a match, and not even in a segment to promote his upcoming defense against Ned Kaye. But where was The Nickleman? Well fuck, I was in the main event of this Warfare, too! And guess what I did? I only pinned ½ of the tag champions while also beating the universal champion and making fun of the only bald bitch in the XWF!

But I’m the one who doesn’t understand that Wednesday nights are all that matters……riiiiiiight. Crazy, in just a few weeks Peter Vaughn has had more matches in WGWF than he’s had on Warfare in months…..but he’s the kind of guy who deserves to hold onto Connie? That’s the kind of guy who should be the flag-bearer for Warfare- someone the fans see more often somewhere else?

Is anyone buying what Peter Con’s selling right now? You shouldn’t be, but fuck, it’s in his name, ain’t it? He conned everyone into thinking THIS STYLE, the kind of lifeless videoless promo I’m doing right now, means fuck all to anyone. But hey, he Conned you dumb fucks into thinking this is what champions are supposed to do, so I’m just covering all my bases. This pussyboy Pete might still be Conning you fucking idiots, tricking you into thinking he might just win this match. Because hell, he’s won ever Supercontinental match before this, hasn’t he? Well the thing is, folks……this time, IT’S DIFFERENT!

You see motherfucker I’m not Ned Kaye. I’m 3-0 against Ned Kaye. I’m not Micheal Graves. I’m 3-0 against Micheal Graves. I’m not Barney Green. I’m 2-0 against Barney Green. These limp-wristed fucks that you keep wanting to compare me to? I’m just not on their level, and it’s just fucking obvious, and you look downright pathetic everytime you try to say it.

Petey said Alias is one of the greatest wrestlers around- and shit, he ain’t wrong. Only problem is, pussyboy Pete forgot that there’s only 1 man on Wednesday nights who’s pinned Alias for a championship belt…..and it’s fucking ME! Something Con’s never done…something Ned’s never done….something Calypso never done….and i would say something mac bane’s never done but holy fuck, who even HAS Mac Bane pinned around here?!?! I don’t think 99% of our viewers have a fucking clue. The only thing less noteworthy than Mac Bane’s run in the XWF is Peter Con’s championship reign!

Petey doesn’t know who the fuck he’s squaring up with tomorrow night. If he thinks I’m closer to Barney’s level than I am to Alias’s, then he really has no clue what kind of a fight he’s just gotten himself into.

Petey Con wants to brag and boast about his little stipulation, about how he chose it to try and disadvantage The Nickleman…..does he even realize that he sounds like a mega-pussy everytime he shows his ass like that? Fucking aye Petey, if you think you need a special stipulation to even the odds against me that’s all fine and dandy- it’s your right as a champion…but why are you broadcasting that fact out to every fucking fan you have? Do you want them to think you’re a little bitch? Would you get off on that public humiliation, you dirty little janitor? By God you’re such a fucking pussy.

I might’ve picked millions of stipulations during my 300+ days as TV champion, and guess what? There wasn’t a single god-damned time I picked a stipulation to try and ‘get at someone’s weaknesses’.Do you know why? Because it simply wasn’t necessary. I was going to beat all of my challengers no matter what the stipulation was, so I was just trying to have fun with it.

But Petey?

He’s not having fun right now. That little pussy is working himself out and filling himself up with false bravado to try and take on the challenge The Nickleman brings. He racked his brain and tried to come up with the most specialist stipulation…because he knows he needs every advantage he can get in this match.

Because I’m having fun with this- and I love getting that ring all bloody!

Stipulation, shitulations. I’m going to use the cage wire to gut Petey like the fish he is, and then I’m going to rip his guts out and take a shit on his fucking bowels, right there, in the middle of the ring. This kind of torture and torment of the pussyboy will pry go on for some thirty-odd minutes until I get tired and just grab my Connie, or until Petey finally passes. Whichever comes first.

Full truth be told, if Petey boy somehow sneaks out a victory tomorrow night it will be the biggest win of his XWF career- beyond the shadow of a doubt. I mean seriously, nobody respects his win over Caedus….even Corey Smith will tell you I engineered that changing of the guard! But if Petey were to finally right that wrong, and finally step up to the man who’s been challenging him to a match for 8 months…..

Well, it’s nice for him to have dreams, isn’t it?

It’s even nicer for me to destroy them.

Come tomorrow night everyone is going to find out just why the name ‘Charlie Nickles’ brings fear to wrestling federations across the globe…because after I defeat Pussyboy Pete tomorrow night I will have won 3 different championships from 2 different companies all in the span of one half-week.

By the time my hand is raised in victory tomorrow night, I will have become more or less a God in this business….and that’s why I will be the only man FIT to cherish that Goddess Petey Con mistreats so badly….

Connie, if that piece of shit lets you listen to this: just know that I love you, and I’ve always loved you from the first day I saw you. I promise both you and Peter this……….



THE NICKLEMAN IS COMING TO GET YOU!