From Ruby’s Go-Pro, at Saturday Night Savage, in the T-Mobile Arena in Las Vegas, NV

Ruby: “Come on, my guy! $14 for a beer? It’s my night off, don’t go committing robbery now! They don’t even charge those prices at Mile Flippin’ High!”

A flabbergasted Ruby put her hands on her hips as the guy behind the concession stand shrugged.

Vendor: “Nothing I can do, ma’am.”

Ruby: “It’s ‘miss’, thank you very much. Anyway, give me one of those IPA thingamajigbobs, I guess. Match is about to get started!”

Ruby took her drink to her seat as Centurion vs. Schism was about to get started. She popped like a can of Pringles as her boyfriend came out, and booed like Casper the Ghost on full-sugar Coke when Schism did.

Ruby: ”This is the life, my flipsters and flipsterettes. No matter how many matches you’ve fought, you should never stop being a fan, especially when the handsomest man on the planet is plying his trade!

Peeps do be asking me why I never participate on Savage, but my answer to that is simple: I choose to only make time for the A+ show. Not that Savage doesn’t have talented competitors, but I’m perfectly fine in my Anarchy corner. Have been since Day One. If I go on Savage, it’ll be because I want to and I need to. Not because I have to. Me, I only have one goal: winning back the Anarchy Championship, and it’s about flippin’ time I did so!”

The crowd oohs and aahs as Centurion hits Schism with a running knee.

Ruby: ”Whoo! Hit him, babe! That’s my mans! Hey, what is THAT!?”

Ruby turns her eyes to slits and groans as she sees a buxom blonde near the front row holding up a sign that says *MARRY ME CENTURION*

Ruby: ”Hmpf! You should be so lucky! I guess I shouldn’t be jealous. Gotta be the bigger woman. Not in cup size, maybe, but definitely in confidence! That’s the price you gotta pay when your boyfriend is a hot rich celeb, right? Anyhullaballoo, I was talking about Anarchy! I’ve been making my intentions clear for some time now. The Anarchy Championship has to come home, and I’ve been dropping hints to Vinnie that I deserve a number one contendership right out of the flippin’ gate! But our blonde frizzy-haired bossman, in deliberation and cooperation with Tula Keali’I I’m sure, opened it up the whole flippin’ lot! Number One Contender’s Tournament! And I’m a sucker for a tournament, me. In the end, this is probably even better. Because a true hero doesn’t demand, they earn. They give the powers that be no flippin’ chance in Hull to put an unworthy, dastardly villain in contention of a top title. Ironic, seeing as the current champion is a literal caveman, but all the more power to him for doing what nobody thinks he would be able to do! That’s all what Anarchy is about! Nobody’s truly in power. But when it comes to title contention, it should go to the worthiest of them all. Call me old school. For the longest time, I believed that was me, but now I don’t have to believe it. I can show it. And we start out by slimin’ out! ”That’s right! Banana-Lime versus Toxic Slime! Ruby versus Rrrrrrrraaaaaab!

The crowd popped massively again, as Centurion locked in the Fall of Rome! Schism tried to get a rope break, but Centurion dragged him back to the middle of the ring, until Schism had no choice but to tap!

Ruby: ”Woop de woop! Once you had a dream and that was Rome! But now that dream has been taken from you! I just hope he won’t take my dream from me… I’m obviously referring to the fact we’re both in this Anarchy tournament. And I want him to win as much as I want me to win! …almost. Because he did take my Anarchy title from me that one time, and this’d be a bit of a comeuppance, like that time I stole a donut from his breakfast menu and he interrupted the Wi-Fi when my Broncos were actually winning a game that very night!

But where was I!? Lime versus Slime! Don’t think I’m taking this lightly, because I’ve lost to a Raab before. Oh yes, I remember. How could anyone? It’s quite the feat, just not something to be proud of. But I’m not going to hide it, nor should I. I’ not ashamed of it either, because we’re only as good as the flaws we dare to admit. Don’t believe me? Ask Sauron! Or as he’s also know: Annatar! How did that go for him, eh? Sitting up in Barad-dûr, thinking he’d win at the end anyway, because how could he possibly lose? Well, here’s thing my guy, even though you’re a Maia of Iluvatar, and were the right-hand man of Melkor/Morgoth of the Valar of the Ainur, in the end you were taken out by the smallest and unlikeliest of creatures. A flippin’ Hobbit! If it sounds like I’m drawing a parallel, that’s because I am. I am small. And I WAS unlikely! But I brought many an evil Empire to its knees, and Lord Raab, yours will fall too. In fact, yours won’t even get the chance to, because I’ll make sure it never rises. Is this the nerdiest promo I’ve ever done? Flip, I flippedy hope so!

Raab, you’re so toxic it’s a miracle your name isn’t Jack Dorsey. That’s the owner of Twitter, for those who don’t get the reference. Or is that Elon these days? Not yet, surely? Anyhoax, you won’t stop me from bringing Order back to Anarchy. Centy’s gonna beat Cashe. I will beat you. Together, we’ll determine who is who. The number one contender, or the number one spender. But first! Lime versus Slime. Brawn versus Prawn! Brains versus noGainz! Hobbit versus Dark Lord! Prepare for your Crack of Doom, and Dome!!”

*end broadcast*