Honolulu, Hawai’i


EDWARD was an island boy, but this particular island was as unfamiliar to him as the rest of the world. Yet it held some similarities.





Edward ran the tips of his fingers across the stone carving of this island’s primitive man, and the man that time forgot couldn’t help but wonder where the world went wrong in its pursuit of becoming better than it once was. Men used to be men. Strong, tough, brave. Now they hide behind technology and anything else that they can find, too afraid to even use their own words in the face of a threat, so they scribe on their little screens instead.


This was EDWARD’S opinion of the modern man, and the champion that needed 4 hired thugs and a tainted rag in order to keep hold of his shiny. None of them would last a day in EDWARD’S neck of the world.


“EDWARD COME TO XWF SEARCHING FOR STRONG WARRIOR THAT CAN GIVE EDWARD CHALLENGE, BUT EDWARD NOT FIND WARRIORS IN THIS WORLD. EDWARD INSTEAD FIND WORLD WHERE BEING STRONG WARRIOR NOT AS IMPORTANT SEEMING SMARTER.”


EDWARD continued down through the Cave, so deep that only the light from the camera shined the way.


“MOST LOOK AT EDWARD AND THINK EDWARD DUMB BECAUSE EDWARD NOT THE SAME. EDWARD GLAD HE NOT THE SAME BECAUSE MEN NOT FROM ISLAND DEVOLVE INTO WEAK, PATHETIC, LITTLE MEN WHO WEAR LIFTS IN BOOT BECAUSE THEY EMBARRASSED THAT THEY NOT TALL ENOUGH TO RIDE ROLLER COASTER THAT THIS ISLAND NOT HAVE!”


EDWARD stopped in his tracks and leered back to the camera.


“HOW THIS ISLAND NOT HAVE ROLLER COASTER? IT SUPPOSED TO BE FUN PLACE, RIGHT?”


“WELL, IT NOT SEEM VERY FUN TO EDWARD!”


EDWARD continued into the cave until he came across another carving etched into the cave wall.




“THE BEASTS THAT ONCE ROAMED THIS WORLD WOULD EAT YOU ALL ALIVE! STRONG AND FEARLESS WARRIORS LIKE ME HUNTED AND KILLED BEAST LIKE THIS ONE SO THAT OUR RACE COULD CONTINUE TO THRIVE AND GROW STRONGER, BUT ONCE WE MADE IT TO THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN, PEOPLE LIKE THE MINDMAN BECAME LAZY, WEAK, AND SELFISH. WHAT YOU HAVE LEFT ARE MEN CALLING THEMSELVES STRONG WARRIORS THAT WOULDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO IF A PERIYA PARAVIA CRASHED INTO THEIR HUTS WHILE SLEEPING?”


“HA HA! EDWARD KNOW TO GRAB WEAK NECK AND STRANGLE, BUT MINDMAN PROBABLY NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO DO THAT EVEN IF KNOW!”


“SEE THIS!?!”


With a confident smile, Edward shoved the 24/7 belt into the camera which caused the spinny bit to wobble.


“EDWARD STRONGEST WARRIOR!”


Edward slung the belt over his shoulder and stood proud.


“EDWARD ALSO ACCOMPLISHED HUNTSMEN AND THAT ABILITY TO TRACK IS WHAT LED EDWARD TO WEAK WARRIOR WHO UNDESERVING OF SHINY!”


“STINKY NICKLEMAN NOT HAVE BRAIN TO OUTSMART EDWARD IN HUNT FOR SHINY. GOOD HUNT TAKE NOT JUST STRONG WARRIOR, BUT BIG BRAIN TOO. WARRIOR BRAIN MUST BE BIGGER THAN PREY, OR WARRIOR QUICKLY FIND OUT HE NOT HUNTER AT ALL WHEN HE INSIDE THE BELLY OF BIG LIZARD.”


A memory from EDWARD’s time back home led him to take a pause.


“EDWARD KILL MANY BIG LIZARD’S BACK ON ISLAND, BUT NONE MORE MEMORABLE THAN THE FIRST ONE!”


“HERE EDWARD IS, JUST SMALL BOY. YOUNGER THAN JR. EDWARD HAD SPENT ALL DAY FETCHING EGGS. THAT WHAT BOYS DO BEFORE BECOME WARRIOR, FETCH EGGS. WELL, EDWARD FETCH EGGS ALL DAY, NO PROBLEM. EDWARD BEST EGG FETCHER WHEN EDWARD BOY, SO EDWARD WORK EXTRA HARD TO ALWAYS HAVE MORE EGGS THAN OTHER BOYS.”


“THIS DAY, EDWARD TRY TO FETCH EGGS NOT REALIZING THAT BIG BIRD WHO LAY THEM WATCHING EDWARD.”


“LET’S JUST SAY THERE WAS BIG FIGHT AND AT END OF IT EDWARD WAS COVERED IN BLOOD, YOK, AND BIRD SHIT!”


“SO, EDWARD NEED TO GET CLEAN AFTER SLAUGHTERING ENTIRE FAMILY OF BIRDS. EDWARD GO TO WAVY WATER AND CLEAN HIMSELF, BUT BIG LIZARD HIDE JUST BENEATH SURFACE AND WAIT TO EAT EDWARD!”


His head tilted to the side as he came to the realization that…


“OKAY, THINKING ABOUT IT. MAYBE EDWARD NOT SMARTEST HUNTER IN THAT STORY. DINOSAUR DID GET JUMP ON EDWARD AND EDWARD HAD NO CLUE THAT EDWARD WAS PREY, AND EVEN THOUGH EDWARD HERE TODAY, IT NOT BECAUSE EDWARD OUTSMARTED BIG LIZARD.”


“EDWARD JUST HOLD BREATH AND CRAWL OUT STINKY HOLE. EDWARD DO LOTS OF DAMAGE ON WAY OUT TOO, AND THAT NIGHT TRIBE EAT VERY GOOD!”


The time for reminiscing on island life had come to an end, and it was with a confident smile that Edward finally addressed the champion that would also be challenger to EDWARD’S shiny.


“EDWARD BRING ALL OF THIS UP BECAUSE EDWARD TOLD THAT EDWARD MUST DEFEND SHINY AGAINST ANOTHER HUNTER. THE MINDMAN WHO ALSO HAVE SHINY OF HIS OWN.”


“GOOD NEWS IS, IF EDWARD BEAT MINDMAN, EDWARD GET MINDMAN’S SHINY TOO!”


The thought of all of that shiny, sparkly, gold being in his possession seemed to pump EDWARD up!


“MINDMAN MAY BE SMARTEST MAN IN ROOM. EDWARD NOT KNOW AND EDWARD NOT CARE. BIG BRAIN MAY HELP TRACK HUNT, BUT STRONG WARRIOR IS WHAT IT TAKES TO KILL THE BEAST!”


“MINDMAN THINK THAT HE IS HUNTING FOR A WIN, BUT THE REALITY IS THAT EDWARD IS ABOUT TO CAVEMAN BIG HEAD UNTIL MINDMAN’S GRIP LOOSEN ON SHINY”


“LAST TIME EDWARD SEE MINDMAN HUNT FOR A WIN, HE JUST STAND IN WOOD’S HOLDING HIS LOINS! MINDMAN THINK HE ALPHA BECAUSE HE HAVE A PACK, BUT NONE OF THEM ARE WOLVES. ALL SHEEP!”


“EDWARD COME HERE AND TELL YOU ALL FROM BEGINNING THAT EDWARD STRONGEST WARRIOR FROM ISLAND! NOW EDWARD GO TO NEW ISLAND AND HUNT FOR SHINIEST SHINY EDWARD EVER SEE, AND NO HAMMER, OR HUNTERESS, CRAZEE JERKS, OR DIRTY RAGS WILL BE ENOUGH TO STOP EDWARD FROM BECOMING STRONGEST WARRIOR ON NEW ISLAND AND HAVING TWO SHINY’S TO SHOW FOR IT!”


THE END.





























UNTIL EDWARD SMASH!