From Ruby’s Go-Pro…

The night was cloudy. Precipitation was coming, that was for sure. So the Banana-Lime Blur had made sure her patrol was already well underway. Vigilantism was good. Vigilantism in a dry suit was better. She didn’t have the budget of Bruce Wayne to make her outfit waterproof, and she didn’t have the figure of Clark Kent to not care whether it was a superheroic wet suit contest or not. Rain was coming. A horror scenario. And she was getting all of the legwork in before it came to that. The Go-Pro was pointed at herself as she watched through her Ruby-goggles.

Ruby: “My guys, my guys. There are many thing that need to be said. First of all, I need to make amends. Because as a superhero, it is my job to stop robberies from happening. But what kind of claim can I make to the title of hero when I was the one who got robbed, yo? I am, clearly, talking about my match against Jason Cashe last Anarchy. Now, dude had a game plan, a strategy, and a willing partner to engage in shenanigans. That’s fine. If that’s how my dude wants to play this game, then that’s just the way the Ruby-Oh granola crumbles, I guess. But I could’ve stopped it. I could’ve been too good for even their villainous trickery to overcome. But I wasn’t. And that’s on me.

Thankfully, Lady Fortune put on her tightest Vinnie Lane trousers and got me a rematch against the guy who sunk my credibility. Ain’t that a lucky break, eh? And yes, I call it lucky because there are two more potential notches on my Rubystick of Victory.

We all know Ozzo. He is HIM! And that’s not the flex you’d expect, because guys like Odell Beckham like to say ‘I am HIM’, but Ozzo is just… Ozzo. He is like the antithesis of a hero. He DESERVES to get robbed. Him and his riches, maaaaan… He is a prime Robin Hood target, and that’s not a good look, my dude. Blame it on your obscene flaunting, our severe dislikabality, I don’t give a flip. But you are a comic book villain at best, and they always lose. And no, Watchmen isn’t a comic book, it’s a graphic novel, so my point stands!!

And then there is the Latina Submission Machina! Now, I ain’t gonna lie, my gal… What you’ve done in a very short time is nothing short of mind blowingly impressive. Pound for pound, you might be the most talented wrestler Anarchy has ever seen. The stats are there. The titles are there. You walk the walk like you talk the talk. You are on a QUEST to make people tap. And I respect that. But you’re also volatile. And while that will definitely serve you in the short run, it won’t help you in the long run. Gals you like are prone to self-combustion, and you will flame out before the going gets truly good. That may sound like a diss, but I think you haven’t even scratched the surface of your potential yet, despite all of the accolades you’ve already gathered. Keep your head straight, or the only one historians will remember tapping out, will be the Latina Submission Machina herself.”

Ruby looked back through her goggles, and muttered.

Ruby: “Flip sake… Why is nobody getting robbed? I wanted to set a SCENE, gosh flippin’ darn it to heck! I know I should see this as a victory in and of itself, but status quos don’t get clicks! Which is good! They shouldn’t! I just don’t wanna bore you guys…

Oh wait, there goes a guy who’s walking swiftly towards an elderly woman, and… oh, he’s just helping her across the street. My bad! Kind gesture, for sure! Blaming myself, ‘cause I should not always assume the worst about someone.

See, this ish right here is a trap. I don’t want to rip off 8 Mile, but it’s so easy to lose yourself in the moment when you wanna own it! And after last week, I need a dub, because I lost to a guy whose number I had. Of course, most people who have Cashe’s number have it somewhere in their ‘blocked and reported’ list, but that’s neither here nor there.

I guess what I want to say is that ya girl needs a win, and that there’s no better match to get it than by beating the residing edgelord hobo known as Cashe, the residing never-has-been know as Oswald, and the greatest talent on Anarchy today, known as Latina submission Machina!

They all define their own layers of Anarchy, but none of them have ever shown themselves to be able to truly bring Order to Anarchy. And that has been the main goal since day one.

So let’s do like green leaves, and lettuce look forward to a brighter future in Banana-Lime, where the long game matters, and today’s age of instant gratification is forever banished to the past!”

Ruby’s speech was interrupted by loud sirens, and the RubyPhone Five-Oh Radioh in her Rubackpack went off. The Super Dear’O’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.

Ruby: “Well, folks, looks like I’m going to have to tke my leave! Can’t possibly let someone get robbed at this time of night! It flippin’ sucks, I can attest! So no more. Today, just like on Anarchy, the good guys will prevail.”

And the Banana-Lime Blur mounted the Go-Pro  on her head.

Ruby: “Cowabunga, motherflippers. This’ll be a fine warmup for when the OG of PG, and the OG of Anarchy, meet up with the pretender, the spender and the most talented-er. Yes, that’s not a word. Literary freedom, bay-bay! That’s the Banana-Lime guarantee!”

And Ruby leapt off the roof, eager to put her target away. As was customary.