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Dick Powers · (07-30-2022)

Uninspired title involving war and games because I'm uncreative like half the roster

Like a natural DICKsaster, I rock your world and leave nothing but a massive clean-up in my wake.

King of the Monster Cocks!

GIRTHZILLA!

AKA, Dick "Mother-Lovin'" Powers!

I sit, in a dentist's office, I know right? What a down-right wacky location. Truly, Dick Powers and a dentist's office is by far the most unique pairing you've ever seen!

Dick, you long-cocked, pearly white having six foot something of sex. Why on Earth are you, of all people, there!? It's blowing my fucking mind right now!

Well, you see my dear viewer.

I'm researching a role.

That's right my tarty little shortcakes, I am v-tarty little shortcakes? The fuck did that come from? ... I am venturing into the world of acting! You see... Actually, I'll let my mouth say this. Go ahead mouth.

"Thank you, brain. You see, I've come to the conclusion that I could be having more sex. I originally thought being a wrestler would improve that, alas you all know the struggle. Great if you like greasy nerds! The rockstar train is coming to its last stop as I have not penned an original song in many, many, many years, and being a major stockholder of XWF has got me more angry emails than nudes. So, I act like I give a fuck about any of you all the time so it hit me!"

"Actor!"

"Piss easy, baby girl. Plus winning promo of the month is sure to boost my seed-sowing, right? ... What? Too soon? I mean it's a given, right? I'm awesome and put out the best shit without even trying, plus look at my competition! Fuckin' Ned Kaye gonna make another sad self-masturbatory game about his depressing life? Maybe a dating simulator involving the barrel of a shotgun. Mercy gonna cry to Madison Ivy about how life is unfair?"

Madison Dyson, dude.

"Dyson! Excuse me. I tend to get blonde sinkholes confused. Plus whatever Mastermind is doing! Bitch should stick with building bridges and learn that he should not handle anything mildly new. OH!"

I wave my arms theatrically, y'know like an actor.

"Fucking Mastermind changed his theme song! I went to Ask Jeeves to do some research on him but I couldn't find just one problem the cunt has so I ended up just typing in 'Mastermind?' and got hit back with a page that just said 'Right?' But I kept digging and I found his roster bio. Now, I have no idea if these things are written by wrestlers or some sad fans, or in Mastermind's case maybe his mom. But considering how it's written out, I guarantee this is a Mastermind job. Mother fucker changed his theme from Monster to Edge's fucking theme! What an unoriginal prick for one, two this moron couldn't even spell Alter Bridge right!"

"This man is a father!"

"I am terrified of our future generations!"

"No wonder there's a fucking future war going on and Mastermind's kids are at the center of it. That dipshit ruined the English language and cursed him and his

team to Terminator 2 the world. MM probably caused the war, gets kicked out of XWF because he misspells his name on a new contract then decides to pull a Hitler and commit genocide on unnecessary vowels."

"That's funny and all but what does being in a dentist's office have to do with acting?"

I let out a manly scream as I do a sweet jump back and knock over a table filled with gnarly tools. When my heart rate stops doing the Cupid Shuffle, I look to my patient reclined on the chair.

"Fuck, forgot you were here. And to answer your question, you rude man, I am going to be playing a dentist."

"... So, you can't perform a root canal?"

"Todd, shut up. I'm Dick Powers, I can do anything. Here have some gas."

I place the breather thingy over this fat fuck's nose and mouth and let him go to Bill Cosby's Wonderland as I address you again.

"War Masters, the fuck have any of you mastered in your pathetic lives? Mastermind is a joke who we all know too well, Dolly Waters is a constant stream of dehydrated, asparagus-smelling piss on the company with the amount of fuck all she does. Bitch is on the bench more than a homeless person and when she hops off it, she fucks everything up for everybody else like making what was an even match, uneven by calling Thad Duke, and even fucking worse, Duke picked up the phone! Now we have to watch a Duke promo and suffer through shitter trash talk than Mastermind!? Fuck at least Mastermind states the obvious, unlike Thad who makes shit up about people thinking he's important."

"Are you actually that delusional that you think you're the greatest of all time? Prick, you weren't even on the Top 50! You beat a 70-year-old, dementia-ridden man to take HIS Hall of Legends spot! People haven't talked or thought about you since you left and you ruin your """""""""""""""""""""retirement"""""""""""""""""""""" on a War Games match because Dolly Waters asked you to!?"

"You fucking simp!"

"How in the fuck has an incel like you made it to adulthood when your brain is basically a skullfucked mess of chewing gum and ACME products, you goofy ass, looney tune looking mother fucker. Good to know I can make you stroke my shaft and cup the balls if I attach a polaroid of Dolly to my stomach. Fuck, I'd bet I'd get anal when I tell you your daddy gave it up first. Let me cum inside him too! Wouldn't be surprised if I'm your real dad with Sebastian being a giant pussy for letting you beat him; I hope so because when I call you a disappointment it'll actually stick."

I feel a little tapping on my dong and look down to Todd, still huffing gas. I put the breather away.

"Oh shit my bad dude."

Todd's eyes close as I take a little huff of the gas.

"WOO! That's nice. Anyway, Thad, with how fucked your family is I bet it wouldn't be a surprise if I was your real father. Theo Pryce is your brother now apparently? What, you want to be Sebastian that much you want to take his brother and make him your own? Hahahahahaha!!!! You take his Hall of Legends spot, you take his legacy, you do the same boring ass promos and NOW YOU WANT HIS FUCKING BROTHER!? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME YOU SAD CUNT!? And don't feed me bullshit like, Sebastian just told you. BULL-SHIT. You made him say it and he bent over just like when you won that fixed match you sock of dried pig cum. And knowing ALL this shit you do, you somehow, by some psychotic brain fart, in your lunatic head, in that down syndrome-filled melon. Do you STILL think you're one of the best there is? Or was considering you're done and out the company like you said and which clearly you are."

"Fuck you Thad, and I don't mean that as in you're a threat or I hate you, I mean that in the most genuine way. You are nothing, cunt. Fuck you."

"I would talk about Peter Vaughn but I value my time so I didn't watch his promo."

"And the saddest part is, this god-awful team headed by Captain Waters is somehow still better than their opponents! A team headed by a jobber, first pick a jobber, second pick, the worst part of the tag team champions and Chris Chaos' non-union Dominican replacement whose ass I kicked with ease before."

"No point in talking about them because I'm not gonna see them."

"One person I am gonna see is Raion Kido of course who is acting like a late replacement despite being the first pick! Dropping off t-shirts, my man? Congrats on the Uni win by the way, you're really showing you deserve it!"

I give two big thumbs up and then have a sneaky of gas.

"By all accounts, Kido should be target number 1 for everyone. It's just the smart move right but how the fuck can I insult the guy? I already said I like him because he's interesting despite the fact he's trying his hardest to prove me wrong. Hie promotes himself as this kind of hero but goes after his teammates so hard for a pay-per-view with no grand prize, yeah, talking shit on Ned and Cashe is easier than Jenny Myst on a slip n' slide but that doesn't mean you should do it! Kido will go out of his way to save a kid from peril but he refuses to bite his tongue against the people holding him up? For what? For a team called Meat Clowns that will last until Sunday?"

"I'm gonna be honest, I'm not the same as the other horses in this race. I was a stallion brought in to replace a horse with a broken leg, do I have allegiances? Fuck yes, I do, does this matter to me? Kinda. But it matters to King Bourbon and Money Oswald, they needed my help and I am happy to provide it and show the world just how helpful I am. But if my sister, Poussey Powers was on the opposite team and I was giving 100%... I would not shit talk my sister you dumb mother fucker! Fuck competition you moron, those are your brothers! They go out of their way to excel you! You steal all their spotlight, give them none of the credit, no that goes on your Big Bad Beetleborgs bullshit and you want another reason for them to turn on you?"

"You dumb, kid?"

"And don't give me any shit like, 'Dick, they would want me to go 100% and they'd do the same to me!"

"First off, Ned would say that but not mean it and you know that. Cashe would never say that because he's a pussy. You WOULD say that and mean it Kido and if you lost you'd twist it to make it seem like Ned and Cashe are the real cunts because that's the type of cunt you are. You dress like mating pistol shrimp to distract people from the fact that you're a two-dimensional piece of shit and add pretty colors and anime to hide the fact that you're a goddamn sham."

"Fuck you, Kido! As you decided to just go ham on your boys, I have suddenly decided that I don't admire you anymore."

"And lastly."

"The job squad."

"First let's go with Mercy because HO-LEE FUCK what a bitch you are! You cowardly piece of trash! You hot steaming dumpster fire of pussiness. You RAN to Madison Dyson to speak on your behalf and cry about Charlie and TK wanting to join!?"

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?"

"You pussy! You're meant to be a scary monster chick and you let your fucking manager drag your name in the dirt and ruin any ounce of intrigue you ever fucking had!? And even with this chlamydia-flavored Sauerbraten treating you like the world's most docile attack dog, you're ruining the whole cool thing you had by being less scarred which will increase over time until she's pretty enough to be in front of the camera but before that, we can put a bedsheet over you."

"Like a spooky ghost."

"Or a klan member."

"Or since Madison Dyson has noticed that she's not getting as much attention and that Alias is finally gone, that means it's time to enact operation 'New Coke' by bringing back The Engineer but this time is PAWG form! Then instead of a docile attack dog, Dyson can just put her in her handbag and stroll around Vine. Yeah, fucking great just what everybody wants a more neutered Corey Smith. Great job, Dyson, can't wait for your pet to lose to Kido so we can get the follow-up waterworks on how the system just isn't fair!"

"Next is, uh, Tommy Wish who is doing great, keep it up buddy I'm proud of you. Honestly, I and Page didn't need to replace those two with the amount of work you're doing for us. We'll make sure we pose with you post-match for all the hard work."

"Unknown Soldier is a cuck and there's honestly nothing to say on him that I already haven't. Useless, pathetic, wasted, soulless. Not worth my time."

"And finally, finally, Latina Submission Machina... Who I got nothing on either... Legit, the only threat on your team is Mercy and well, she sucks thanks to Dyson's efforts. You've assembled an A+ squad Mamacita. I couldn't have picked a better champion for your team!"

"So, Latina when I personally eliminate you like I did to Charlie Nickles fat ass last year, how about a thank you from sparing you from the year-long ridicule that Bobby would give you."

"Fuck you all, you all suck. Gas has leaked into the office and I'm feeling very faint..."

"Hail King Bobby!"

*thud*

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Uninspired title involving war and games because I'm uncreative like half the roster
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