Noble Jeffs, Endless Staircases and Penguin-Based Glitches
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NorthKoreanWarCriminal
Registered but either hasn't added self to a roster yet or doesn't RP
XWF FanBase: The IWC (gets varying reactions in the arenas, but will be worshiped like a god and defended until the end by internet fans; literally has thousands of online dorks logging on to complain anytime they lose a match or don't get pushed right)
Sitting on top of the heads of the two royal footmen, as they exhaustedly walk him up a snowy mountain.
Their already stubby legs disappear into the snow and slush as they stamp their way up, carrying the lounging lowlife. Dipping lower and lower…
“And so ends the tale of the FIFTH time I bested Bobby Bourbon.”
NK sighs fondly, eyes closed.
“Now, Manservants! Shall I share the tale of the SIXTH time I bested Bobby Bourbon?”
…
“...Manservants?”
NK’s eyes open. He finds himself lying on the ground.
“What’s this? Abandoned by my manservants!?! Cowards!”
Furious, he stands, stomping the soft cushion-y floor!
“OW! Wr ndr yu, sr!”
Muffled whimpers beneath NK... He stands. Under him, the two royal footmen are buried neck-deep in slush!
“Aha! Caught you hiding!” NK clap-claps! “Your break is over! Resume carrying me!”
“Great Hero…” The first toadie offers, as the second spits out cheekfuls of slush. “We’re stuck.”
NK nods, stroking his mustache. “Aha… So! This is where we part.”
“...What? No! Pull us out!!”
“Never fear! Your freezing, agonizing deaths shall not be in vain!”
“HLPUS!”
“Your deeds will become legend! …Not as legendary as my deeds, but contributing to them! In a small… negligble way!” NK bites his index somberly. “I shall always remember you!”
“What are our names?”
"...I wanna say..."
…NK points at one.
“Jeff.”
“NO.”
“And… Other-Jeff.”
“OUR NAMES ARE ROBER-TOAD AND CHRIS-TOAD-PHER!”
NK salutes. “Fare-thee-well, noble Jeffs!”
And with that, NK forward-rolls away…
Leaving the two footmen behind.
…
One twists his neck toward the other.
“Your name is Chris-Toad-pher?”
“Shuddup, Rober-Toad.”
***
Meanwhile, near Mount Final Boss…
Thousands of footsteps march together.
“CRUSH! ASSAIL!”
Ten-thousand spears swirling in unison.
“OVERWHELM! PREVAIL!”
Obsidian-Black armor… A crimson snake emblazoned on their chests…
Above the brigade, we see dancing in the breeze… The Flag of General Big Bad.
Behind the marching army… we see a grand palatial tent-on-wheels.
Within… A seven-foot monster… In twisted, gnarled, beastly armor. A metallic snake pouncing from his chest…
General Big Bad.
“Four heroes… Summoned to Narfinex’s aid?”
Before the evildoer, a sea of swirling fog… In it, all four heroes adventure, advancing towards Mt. Final Boss.
A hearty, venomous chortle.
“It matters little. Once I possess the MacGuffin, I’ll be invincible…”
…
“Still…”
Big Bad weaves his silver gauntlet through the air…
The fog shifts… And a vision emerges from the vapors.
The War Criminal.
Struggling to yank out a boot, stuck in a snowbank…
“Feh. THIS is a legendary hero?”
…
Big Bad chuckles raspily.
“I shall… IMPEDE his journey.”
Big Bad twirls his fingers… As dark magical energy swims into the fog…
***
NK exhaustedly drags his feet through the slushy mountainside.
“Mountain-climbing… BAH! In Pyongyang, we shall create a pleasurable mountain experience! We shall install automated walkways! And Dippin’ Dots kiosks! And shoe-shine stands!”
As NK plots to mold North Korean mountains into… basically airports without planes… His eyes spot… embedded into the mountainside…
A mysteriously-out-of-place flight of red-carpeted stairs. Beside it, a sign: ‘Mount Final Boss Ahead’.
NK grins astonishedly.
“Haha! What luck! …I’d prefer an escalator, but I shall make do!”
NK jogs off slush, climbing the steps…
…One-at-a-time…
As faint music accompaniment creeps in…
…NK grimaces as he speeds into a jog…
…
…Wow, these steps take a while.
…He accelerates to two-by-two…
“You will-a never make it.”
NK spins, glancing down. Standing at the stairs’ base… A shadowy figure… Obscured by the whirling snow.
“Feh! You doubt my stair-climbing abilities? I am the greatest stair-stepper in Pyongyang! I graduated 1st in my Central-Command-sponsored stair-climbing class! Behold, stranger!”
NK breaks into a full-sprint! Dashing straight-up the steps!
…The music loudens…
…NK drops to all-fours, galloping like a gazelle! The piano screeeeeeeeeches!
Suddenly, NK slips! He loses his balance, flopping backwards!
…Into the snow.
NK spins, shocked.
Despite climbing all those steps, NK remains at the staircase’s bottom.
“...A trick!”
“Yes-a. The staircase is-a endless for those-a unworthy…”
NK gasps, indignantly offended.
“Unworthy?!? IMPUDENT STAIRCASE!” NK spins so his back is to the stairs. “Behold my secret weapon, STAIRS! The Backwards-Long-Jump!”
The mysterious stranger gasps…
“YES! YOU ARE CORRECT TO GASP! MY SECRET TECHNIQUE SHALL EXPEL ME BEYOND THESE WILLFUL STAIRS! BEHOLD!”
NK leaps!
…Up-and-down. Regular jump.
…
Wait, hold on.”
NK crouches, then jumps.
“...No. That’s not…”
NK wiggles his ass. It’s… ineffective.
“You look-a ridiculous.”
NK sneers angrily.
“SILENCE! WITNESS ME!”
NK leaps… BACKWARDS! He rapidly ascends! NK cruises up the flight… Surfing backwards on each step!
…And yet, gradually, he slows.
Stopping halfway-up-the-stairs.
Eventually, he slips… All the way to the bottom. Landing face-first in the snow.
The shadow scoffs. “You wield-a the secret technique-a like a child would a weapon of-a war…”
NK peers curiously. “The Backwards-Long-Jump I invented?”
“You-a invented?!? Feh! Follow-a me…”
The mysterious figure back-flips, into the whipping, snarling winds of the blizzard…
…Hesitantly, NK follows…
***
Deep inside an icy cave.
The cloaked stranger faces the War Criminal.
“You must-a be wondering who I-a am…”
NK scratches his nose… Before realizing he’s being spoken to.
“Oh… Yes! Naturally! I’ve pondered your identity since our meeting!”
“You se-“
“In fact, before we met!”
“...Anyway…”
The hood drops. Underneath, a mustache! Red shirt! Overalls!
“It’s a-me! Mario!”
…
“Hello!” NK says, with no recognition.
“...I-a save-a the Princess?”
“Neat-o!”
“...I-a race the go-karts? I play-a the tennis? I-a compete-a at the Olympic Games!”
“Your calendar must be full!” NK nods, feigning interest. “In my spare time, I do spy missions with Mark Flynn.”
“...Sigh-a… My point-a is… I will-a teach you.”
NK scoffs, waving his hand dismissively.
“Ridiculous, sir! I HAVE a coach: Mark Flynn! He’s already taught me everything to know!”
FLASHBACK
NK patrols the hallways of XWF HQ. He extends his arm to push open a door.
It sticks. His elbow bends without the door giving an inch.
NK scrunches his brow, perplexed. He drops his shoulder, pressing with all his might into the resistant portal…
As NK struggles, Mark Flynn walks up, unwrapping a PowerBar.
NK flips his back against the door, heaving himself!
…EXHALE.
NK drops to the floor, exhausted from battling this obstinate aperture. He scampers up the wooden surface, eager to shove anew.
Suddenly, Flynn raises a hand. NK stops. Flynn hands over the PowerBar. NK scratches his head, taking it curiously.
Flynn spits on his right hand and rubs it into his left.
NK watches in awe.
Flynn inhales… He reaches for the door!
NK gasps!
…
Flynn grabs the handle and tugs it open.
He glances back at his tag partner.
“Some doors are pull-doors.”
Flynn retrieves the Power-Bar from NK’s twitching hand… And walks away.
…
NK reaches for a pen to copy down that wisdom.
END FLASHBACK
***
“...Is-a… Is that-a it?”
“Pardon?”
“Is that-a… all he’s-a taught you?”
NK squints, perplexed.
“What else COULD one teach me?”
Mario scoffs-a.
“How-a to save-a the land-a! The world-a! The galaxy-a! In as-a little as half-a an A-Press!”
NK scoffs back, pointing accusingly!
“Ludicrous, sir! An A-Press is an A-Press! You can’t say it’s only a half!”
SLAP! Mario’s white glove smacks NK’s right hand! NK seethes, immediately stuffing his smacked hand into his mouth for pain relief.
“You are a fool! And if-a the universe-a were not-a at-a stake, I would-a leave-a you to your foolishness!”
Mario sighs disappointedly, as a hero-of-destiny sucks on his hand.
“But-a… The Princess-a summoned-a you. You-a must-a rise-a to the challenge. And I will-a train you.”
Mario strokes his mustache, eyeing his protege. NK strokes his own… Mentally comparing whose mustache is bigger.
“NOW-A! Do you-a know how I-a defeated the greatest-a villains the virtual realm ever-a saw?”
…NK bares his teeth nervously… he sheepishly shudders.
“…Hard… work?”
“No-a.”
“THANK THE GLORIOUS LEADER.” NK doubles over, exhaling with profound relief.
Mario shakes his head.
“…I-a cheated. Warp-a Whistles! Warp-a Pipes! Wall-a Glitches! Damage-a boosting! The level-skipping Backwards-a-Long-Jump! With these-a techniques, I broke-a the game and saved-a the world.”
“FEH, I SAY! YOU teach ME to cheat? I am already the cheatingest cheater in wrestling history!”
“You-a cheat a sport! A game-a!” Mario spits dismissively. It freezes before it hits the ground. “What you-a do, a-naughty children-a do!”
“I will not-a teach you to cheat a game… I will-a teach you how to cheat… The universe…”
…NK raises his eyebrows, intrigued.
***
MONTAGE
Mario takes NK to the base of a snowy peak…
Mario spins… And in a flash… Is skidding, ass-backwards up the mountain, shooting up the cliffside like a backwards-rocket… Screaming “YAAAAYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
In a flash, he’s reached the mountaintop! He looks down to the base and nods…
NK clenches his fists, full of determination! He jumps backwards…
…Facing the wrong way…
Falling into a 10,000-foot crevice…
***
NK and Mario glide down an icy slide!
On their right, an icy wall appears! Mario re-directs towards the wall… And goes right through it!
NK gasps… He attempts to duplicate the feat…
Goes straight up the wall… And rebounds off, skidding off the ice slide…
And into a 10,000-foot crevice…
***
NK and Mario stand before a tall ice-wall…
NK hops forward, free-climbing with all his agility! Digging his fingers as deep into the ice as possible… Which isn’t deep at all.
As he slides back to the ground, the Korean glances left…
Mario grabs a baby penguin… Drops it onto the wall. Then re-grabs it.
When he does, he zips a foot higher on the wall!
To NK’s astonishment, Mario ascends the wall effortlessly.
***
A turtle cautiously creeps down a flight of stairs…
From above, Mario leaps onto it! The turtle reflexively dips into his shell, on the bottom step!
Mario leaps onto the turtle, propelling him… The turtle bounces! Mario lands on him again to stop him!
Above the plumber… ‘1UP!’
NK watches, astonished!
Mario beckons the War Criminal to try.
NK inhales… Leaps! The turtle rebounds!
…And immediately catches the War Criminal in the face!
He somersaults backward! Through a snowbank!
…And down a 10,000-foot crevice.
***
NK tries to leap backward… But ends up regular-jumping. He wiggles his ass, desperate to succeed.
Mario raises a hand. The War Criminal stops.
Mario presses downwards on NK’s back until he’s crouching… And prods his knees so his legs bend deeper. Mario nods, urging the War Criminal to continue.
***
NK snags the penguin… Drops it onto the wall… He picks the penguin up…
And immediately rises one foot! He shakes the penguin at Mario excitedly. The plumber nods knowingly.
***
NK leaps on the stair turtle… Methodically.
Jump JUMP! He stops the speeding turtle safely with his leap. ‘100 points’.
…
Jump JUMP! ‘100 points’.
Mario nods…
***
The pair sled down the Ice Slide…
NK carefully analyzes the wall as he glides…
…THERE! The glitched wall’s glimmer!
HE TAKES A SHARP RIGHT!
…AND ZIPS THROUGH THE WALL!
***
NK now rapid-fire-jumps on the turtle! 1-UP1-UP1-UP1-UP1-UP!
As NK hits 99 lives, he backflips off the turtle shell! A flawless landing!
***
NK stares in the mirror.
He crushes a Post-It note in his hand.
On the note… in NK’s handwriting… “I don’t own a picture of Big Bad :(“
***
Mario climbs the wall with the penguin…
But a shadow looms across his face!
On his right, the War Criminal passes him! Rapidly grabbing-dropping-and-grabbing a penguin to scale the wall… Mario smiles and speeds up himself!
The two race straight up!
END_MONTAGE
***
NK stands backward at the base of the Endless Stairs.
“It is-a time..”
NK bows, “Comrade Mario. I am humbled to have received all your knowledge…”
“Bah-a! I taught-a you-a nothing! …But… Big Bad draws-a near.”
Mario sighs.
“It’s-a now-a or-a never… Perform-a the backwards-a-long-jump.”
Deep breath…. NK centers himself.
He drops into a crouch, bending his knees.
“COMRADE MARIO! WITNESS MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
NK shuts his eyes! Suddenly, NK hurls himself backwards with all his might! The backwards-long-jump!
As his backside hits the steps, the menacing piano plays…
Louder! LOUDER!
NK leaps again and again! Accelerating… Ascending… But not faster than the stairs accumulate! The piano is deafening now!
“Good-a!” At the base of the stairs, Mario cups his hands around his mouth. “Now-a, STAY-A UP-A THERE, YOU-A FOOL!”
NK waves back. He spins… And sees a sign that says ‘Mount Final Boss’...
“Huzzah! My comrades!”
As NK jogs out-of-view…
Dark magic dissipates.
Not around endless steps…
But around the… Plumber?
“Therehe goes…”
A cackle…
“Towards certain doom…”
***
NK beats his chest, PUMPED.
“Ahhhhhhh! My heart pounds! My mind races! Ohhhhhhh, How I wish WarGames was every month!”
“THIS is wrestling aligned with the Vision of True Korea! Many shedding their ego to join something more powerful than any ONE could achieve… THE COLLECTIVE!”
Electricity runs through NK’s veins!
“In fact! In the spirit of collaboration, I open my ‘trashing-talk’, as it’s called in North Korea, (where we invented it), with a barb from Mark Flynn… He offered one when he heard Thaddeus Duke had joined the WarMasters…”
NK fetches from his pants-pocket a crumpled receipt, covered in inky scrawl. From his collar, he retrieves a pair of reading glasses, which he balances on his nose.
“*ahem* The only reason Thad won all those championships… was so he’d have a mirrored belt! That way, he can look at his face while he sucks his own diiiiiiiiOHMY!”
NK, horrified, drops the joke to the floor.
…After a moment of deep-breathing, NK scoots the paper with his foot out of camera view. He tucks his glasses away.
“Somewhat… Salacious… For my taste.”
…
“However! There is truth in Mark Flynn’s verbal jab! Have you SEEN Thaddeus Duke’s latest work? That man LOVES himself and… is on a team? Maybe, I couldn’t tell from his PROMO!”
“Clearly after Team F.U.C.K.T.H.A.D. HUMILIATED him in last year’s WarGames… He learned NOTHING!”
NK cackles, rubbing his fiendish hands together.
“Last year, Thaddeus Duke assembled a team that battled more internally than it did against its opponents. Chris Chaos, Andre Dixon and Doctor Louis D’Ville slung many barbed insults… almost all friendly-fire! And Thaddeus Duke, a self-proclaimed ring-general, did NOTHING to lead his troops, instead opting to spend a combined half-hour talking about how great HE was.”
“And his team got CRUUUUUUUUUUSHED.”
“Now, one year later and one year wiser.”
“Thaddeus Duke comes to the WarMasters’ rescue...”
NK guffaws in disbelief.
“And cuts an entire promo about how great HE is. Genuine Question… Has Thaddeus Duke actually LEARNED his teammates’ names? He mentioned Dolly Waters but… That’s it!”
“And How has Thaddeus Duke spent his two months retired? He purchased OCW… Copying his dear uncle Theo’s post-wrestling career… And has not wrestled ONCE since his retirement match! And now, after two months without exercise (except exercising stock options)… He expects to cruise into WarGames?”
“I never thought I’d say this… But losing Savannah Knightley was a DOWNGRADE! Knightley may not be a ‘home-run hitter’, but at least she’s RUN THE BASES SINCE MAY!”
NK sighs.
“Poor Thaddeus Duke. This year, it wouldn’t take Comrade Alias or Captain Corey Smith to defeat you. Only your thinly-veiled mediocre ability, collapsing under the weight of your MASSIVE EGO.”
“However, at least Thaddeus Duke brings some var… hehehehe… Some variet-HAHAHAHA!” NK doubles over, pounding his knees, laughing hysterically. “Nope, couldn’t keep a straight face. Dash-it-all, I owe Mark Flynn a dollar…”
NK scoffs.
“No, the WarMasters are pathetically one-note… In the worst conceivable way.”
“Take its Captain, Mastermind. A loudmouth egotist. A man who tries to out-think and out-plan his opponents… Playing tricks like scheduling his opponent for a three-on-one handicap match, then no-showing.”
“Then, its Lieutenant, Peter Vaughn. A loudmouth egotist. A man who tries to out-think and out-plan his opponents… Playing tricks like spiking a banana against a gorilla… Or stealing Jim Caedus’ 24/7 briefcase.”
“As its Surprise Guest, you have Thaddeus Duke. A loudmouth egotist. A man who tries to out-GLORIOUS LEADER, THIS SOUNDS FAMILIAR.”
NK snickers.
“You see, Mastermind drafted THREE lone wolves…. THREE men who believe they’re the smartest-man-on-the-planet… You won’t see them collaborate. You’ll see them bicker like schoolchildren. Second-guess each other’s machinations. Delight in each other’s failures.”
“The only WarMaster that even VALUES collaboration is Comrade Waters.”
NK leans in, sharing a secret.
“And odds are, she’ll break a leg walking to the ring.”
NK raises his hands defensively.
“I apologize, Comrade Dolly Waters…. But you’ve gone two months without career-ending injury, so…. You’re due. That’s mathematics.”
NK points a finger.
“Thus! On one end, you see four INDIVIDUALS. Each will fight… Largely with their own designs. Are they strong separately? Perhaps… (Not Mastermind, he speaks like English is his third language… but the rest!). However, do they add up to greater than the sum-of-their-parts?”
“Absolutely not. Like water and oil, they will not coalesce. Their styles will not blend. They are separate! Divided! Doomed to be overwhelmed! By a United Front! Glorious Collective! Camaraderie! Teamwork!”
“Are we laughingstocks separately? According to Peter Vaughn. But together… As a TEAM…”
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