Marf and Charlie stand in front of the Hyundai driven by ‘Damien’, the man that only Marf can see. The Carnie Bastards stare at a seedy business labeled the ‘Sudbury Man Salon’. Charlie puts his arm across Marf’s back as he ushers him towards the grimey salon.

Dude, am I going to get aids here? Sudbury is the armpit of Canada, but this place looks like the asscrack of Sudbury! Why the hell do we even need haircuts?!?

I told you already, we gotta be fresh and clean for this bitch! We don’t need to look like a pair of chumps that let women walk all over us. We need to look like PIMPS, and this is the best place in Sudbury for that!

Sudbury is a shithole so this is probably the only place for that! Why man?

I have a coupon!

Charlie reaches into his pockets and pulls out a coupon that reads ‘BOGO @ The Sudbury Man Salon: Please Ignore Our Yelp Reviews!’.

Oh hell no.

Marf starts walking back towards the Hyundai Elantra, which if you didn’t know, is a very fine display of South Korea’s manufacturing superiority relative to their inbred cousins up north.

Marf, we need to do this!

Charlie reaches out and grabs Marf by the shoulder. Marf abruptly turns around and knocks Charlie’s hand down.

Why can’t we just sit on our hands doing nothing, like Flynn and Criminal? Fuck, they haven’t changed or developed at all since they fought you and Bobby, so why the fuck should I have to?

Because Flynn and Crim are fucking virgins, and they don’t know the pain of losing a woman! They’ve never HAD a woman! They only have each other. Think about that!

Charlie points his finger at his own head as he implores Marf to ‘think about it’. Marf cringes and turns away.

Fuck no, I don’t want to think about that nasty shit! I want my memories of Lycana!

Charlie grabs Marf by the shoulder as he leans into Marf’s personal space. Charlie is damn near hollering as speckles of saliva fly out of his mouth.

I know Marf, and I just want to remember freaky shit about Goldi too, but we can’t! They’re HOORS! They spit us up and chewed our hearts out. We loved them, but now that’s all down the drain! All the kisses, all the presents, everything we said to them: none of it means shit now! Because they’re HOORS, MARFY! HOORS I TELL YOU!

But why do we need haircuts?!

We let those women DEFINE us, Marfy! You don’t want to admit it but it’s true! No one can look at Marf and not think Lycana, just like no one can look at Charlie and not think Goldi! INCLUDING US! Everytime I look in the mirror, I see the man that loved Goldi! I bet every time you look in the mirror, you see the man that loved Lycana! Tell me I’m wrong, Marfy! Just tell me I'm wrong and we’ll go home right now!

I plead the fifth!

Marf puts his hands up in frustration before he turns and starts walking aimlessly, only to be followed every step of the way by Charlie Nickles

You’re Canadian, you can’t plead the fifth! You just know I’m right and you won’t admit it! We need to go to this man salon so we can find our new LOOK, the new LOOK of tag team excellence! We need to LOOK like the DEFINITION of tag-team wrestling if we’re going to pull this division out of the depths that those two fuckwads plunged it into!

Marf suddenly stops walking, before he sighed and shook his head softly.

You know what, you’re fuckin’ right. The last time tag team wrestling was worth a fuck was when a pair of bastards held the belts. Looks like it is going to take a pair of Bastards to restore the balance. We took the FCW tag titles to a level of prestige nobody could touch and we’re about ready to do the same thing here baby. You wanna get haircuts? Fuck it, I’m in! Because we are a god damn unit, unlike Flynn and his third world fuck buddy. We accomplish shit together. Flynn tells Crim what to do, that’s not fuckin’ teamwork.

Christ, they’re such a great team that Flynn literally jumped at a chance to be in the Leap of Faith match. Desperately trying to get a singles title shot and detach from those Korean barbecue balls. And what did Crim even do at that time? Sit in the back, watching a monitor? Likely with a pair of tweezers so he could jerk himself off, attempting to fill up a couple of balloons to have a water balloon fight with whoever’s kids he is molesting that week. The sickest part is how often Flynn watches those secret tapes afterwards…y’all don’t wanna know the math on that shit…but it’s okay, let’s keep acting like Charlie and I are the sick ones.

Charlie reaches into his pocket and pulls out a deeply meaningful photograph. He shows it to Marf before trying to force it into Marf’s hands.

Dude, why are you giving me a photo of a belt in a fucking thong?!

As Charlie shoves one photo into Marf’s hands he reaches into Marf’s pockets and pulls out a photo of Lycana. Marf reaches out and tries to grab his photo, but Charlie pushes him back far enough to put some space between the two men. Then, The Nickleman pulled out a lighter.

Wait, that’s the last thing Lycana gave me before she left!

And that’s the last thing Goldi gave me, too!

Bullshit!

Charlie flips Marf’s photo over and reads aloud the inscription on the back.

No matter where I am, I will always be dreaming with you. Love, Lycana…

Marf flips over Charlie’s photo and sees that there is a similar inscription. He reads it aloud to try and ‘get back’ at his tag partner.

No matter where I am, I will always be dreaming of getting railed by you. Love, Goldi….Dude what the fuck?! This is obviously your handwriting!

No it isn’t! I taught Goldi how to write, so her handwriting just looks like mine! But can’t you see? We’re in the same sinking ship, Marfy! We’re still head over heels in love with these bitches that abandoned us…but we need to let them go! We need to finally burn those bridges! But we won’t be strong enough to do it without each other…

Marf looks longingly at the photograph one last time and then sighs and lowers his head.

Ok…do it.

Charlie smiles as he flicks the lighter and lets the flames overtake the photograph. He holds onto the burning photo, looking into the scorching face of the woman who broke Marf’s heart with pure malice. When the heat starts to tickle his fingertips he lets it fall, where it sways from side to side in dramatic fashion before finally settling on the ground. Then, The Nickleman tossed the lighter over to his best bud.

It’s your turn to set me free.

Marf burns the photograph and looks at Goldi burning with disdain.

Finally…

Charlie looks up as he breathes a huge sigh of relief, like the weight of a thousand promises has just been lifted off his shoulders. Charlie looks over his newly cleared shoulder and back towards the salon. Marf sighs, too, like the weight of someone else’s world has finally been lifted from his shoulders.

For some reason…..I kind of feel like getting a haircut now.

I knew you’d come to your senses!

Marf and Charlie walk into the salon before plopping down into rickety barber chairs. Two scrawny looking Korean men come out from behind a curtain and do a double take of our precious heroes before looking at one another.

Hey aren’t these…?

…two of the BoB guys!?

Charlie!

Marf.

Sooooo cool! What brings you out here?

Dummy! Obviously they’re getting fresh cuts before watching their bros win the tag titles!

Our bros?

The fuck?

Yeah! Bobby and TK are gonna win!!

Tag champs again!

The fuck you morons talking about?

Yeah fuckheads, we’re facing Flynn and the Korean fuckboy.

That doesn’t seem right…

The two barbers look at each other quizzically and then look back at Marf and Charlie. Then, the two Koreans shrug before accepting Charlie’s coupon and getting to work. They start by trimming the back of both men’s necks.

Yeah! Why would Flynn spend all that time talking about Bourbon and Knuckles if they weren’t facing them?

Because he’s a dumbass! We ain’t TNGB, we’re fuckin’ BoB! Flynn is wasting his time talking about TNGB, getting TNGB mixed up with BoB. Probably because he’s obsessed with Bobby and Teeks instead of focusing on the looming threats known as the Carnie Bastards.

They’re as obsessed with Bobby and Tee-Kay as we were with our women. But we’re moving on Marfy, that’s what separates us from those wretched fucks!

With their necks neatly trimmed, the Carnie Bastards are ushered into another area of the man salon, where they lie down on some massage tables. The two Korean men begin slamming elbows into the bastards’ backs.

It’s crazy how Flynn turned himself into the Cho-KING of the Midcarders. Everytime he even gets CLOSE to a SHOT at the top prize, he throws himself off a fucking skyscraper! Dude even lost to Raion Kido, my BITCH IN PERPETUITY! I know Bobby and Marf lost too, but BOB wasn’t pressed about winning that briefcase, we already have our briefcase on LOCK! We already know BOB’s getting a briefcase! Flynn & Criminal on the other hand, they put all their eggs into the Leap of Faith basket, and what happened? The Cho-KING passed down his mantle to Chris Page’s bottom bitch! CCPE should’ve put Petey V in that situation, maybe he wouldn’t have lost to Raion FUCKING Kido! Flynn can bitch about his place in CCPE all he wants, but at the end of the day, he’ll STILL be my opening act.

Man, can you believe Mark Flynn spent half his promo for the Cannabis Cup bitching about how right you are? It’s like the dude finally realized CCPE is a pyramid scheme but he’s too much of a pussy to get out! And I’m sure Flynn’s having a hayday at me laying down for TK, but hell, I don’t know why. It’s not like I’m laying down for Flynn and War Criminal! Did the GMs really think I was stupid enough to go to WAR with a BASTARD, just days before my shot at the tag belts? A shot at the tag belts I’ve been holding onto and cherishing for months? Vinnie Lane must be out of his alcoholic mind! It’s clear that he knew the Carnie Bastards were about to bring even MORE gold home to BOB, so they wanted to slow ol’ Marfy down. I was never going to let that happen! Even with the GMs on their side plotting against us, we’re STILL going to dethrone those phony chumps!


Flynn and Criminal bring shame to those belts, they don’t have the star power needed to carry a whole division! They’re nowhere close to our level right now! Hell, they’ve never been close to my level! I came into this company and was IMMEDIATELY a bigger star than NK or Flynn have ever been!

Just two months into my first XWF contract I headlined Relentless for the universal championship. Just two months into my XWF career, I did something neither of those loudmouths will ever do. And now? I do it every fucking show. I didn’t need a ‘scheme’, I didn’t need to jump off a fucking building, I didn’t need to pimp myself out to Chris Page. All I ever needed to do was be myself, and The Nickleman always took care of the rest!

Flynn likes to make a big heehaw because I lost to Alias. Flynn also lost to Alias, should be the same difference right? But Flynn wants to pretty up his loss and lie about taking Alias to the limits. I guess Flynn’s management sees a difference in our defeats, too, but it ain’t the bulshit Flynn’s been spewing. Flynn’s own management put ME in the main event. CCPE chose THE NICKLEMAN to headline against ALIAS, not their own guy. So just draw your own fucking conclusions!

Flynn can talk all the shit he wants. Him and his little cum puppet can sit back and watch every victory they’ve had over the bastards on loop, but at the end of the day, I’m still the man Flynn wishes he could be. I’m still the man Flynn’s own agent gave top billing to. I’m literally the kind of mega-star Flynn would kill his tag team partner to become!

Flynn won’t even have the chance to kill his partner if they keep killing all their airtime! Did you see all the dead air in their last at-bat? The camera spent most of the time on a math equation, cause even THAT’s more interesting than whatever the hell Flynn and Crim were doing! I think everyone would rather stare at a chalkboard than listen to Flynn and Crim brag about pinning Calypso and Jay Omega. If we had those tag team belts we’d take them to IIW next time we invade their show, and put them on the line against Thaddeus Duke and Chris Page! Then, we’d come back to Warfare with the IIW tag belts and throw them in the fucking trash, just like Thaddeus and Chris threw their careers in the trash when they jumped ship!

On the last Warfare, the Carnie Bastards lured out and put down the universal champion. On the next Warfare, we’re luring out and putting down the tag champs! The Carnie Bastards are running the show on Wednesday nights! If Flynn’s math shows that I’m the weakest O.G. bastard, or somehow a ‘step down’, he needs to recheck his fucking numbers! Charlie Nickles has 4 wins over a fellow No Good Bastard, 3 wins over a fellow 2022 star of the month, and over 300 days as a champion in this company. The only thing I’m about to ‘step down’ on is Flynn’s lying tongue!

Flynn, doing his best not to pay your boy Marf any real mind. A quick pot shot about my run as Xtreme champion earlier this year, damn you really got me there bud. I’m sure your reign as Xtreme champion this year was far longer…oh sorry, what’s that? You haven’t fucking held the Xtreme title this year or since your mostly ignored triumphant return. My bad. You fucking clown, keep acting like you’re better than me and watch what happens. That unfuckable face of yours is about to get mangled and you’ll be leaving Warfare with less teeth and no tag titles. Let’s see you attempt to ignore me while I’m choking the life out of you. Of course, it’ll be tricky to see anything once the blood vessels in your eyes pop.

Flynn, ass pirate first mate with the Korean . Do another twirl Crim, you fucking dunce. You should stay in that fucking box Flynn put you into. If you get bored, just do the usual and finger your own asshole. Only difference is you’ll be in a box instead of underneath Flynn’s cum and piss stained mattress. What a pisspoor excuse for a team, Charlie and I are going to pick you both apart. Crim might not have much there to pick from at this point, being the supreme bitch of the supreme douche king known as Mark “I fuck squirrels” Flynn. At this point War Crim, I think I actually care less about you than Flynn pretends to. But fear not, I’ll still stomp the ever loving shit out of your slanty face for fun.

Flynn, sniffer of his own farts. Not really surprising though. Christ just look at how much you love to hear yourself talk. Bragging about some half ass matches you had like they’re supposed to be instant classics? Just because you pretend like it’s exciting doesn’t make it true, no matter how well that works on the preteens you’re grooming. Those poor, poor fuckin’ boys. Does War Crim get a turn with them when you’re done or does he stay in the closet watching? Scratch that, I don’t wanna fuckin’ know you sick fucks.

Marf visibly shudders before their massages are over. The attendants usher both bastards into separate rooms. The doors of both rooms close in perfect sync. A little while later the doors both open in unison. Marf steps out to reveal a completely bald new look.

A new look Marf turns to see Charlie stepping out of his room.

Charlie looks…exactly the same. Still, he dusts himself off as if something new was done to him.

Dude what the fuck!? You look the same!

Nah, I’m a totally new man!

How?

I got a fucking Prince Albert, bro! I missed the sensation of cold metal on my cock, and I realized I didn’t need Goldi to get that feeling back! We’re going to be unstoppable now!

Fuck yeah we are. The deadweight of lost loves removed. Nothing but a giant bullseye narrowed onto those tag titles. I feel renewed and ready to dish out a fresh batch of violence.

Our work here is done! Are you ready to go win some tag gold?

Fuck ya, Flynn, North Korean cum criminal, your time as transitional champions is over. We are coming to relieve you of your titles and there will be no fuckin’ stopping us!

Hoo-rah, Marfy! Hoo-fucking-rah!

Charlie and Marf high five before running out of the salon. The two Korean attendants look completely distraught before they start running after the Carnie Bastards.

Hey…wait! It’s BUY ONE get one, and you haven’t paid yet!