“Karolina, could you be a peach and get the medical bag? It’s about time for my last round of shots, no?”

++The milky colored bath water gently swished as I sunk down up to my neck. My kneecaps are just peeking through the foamy mix. I rested my head back as the jets of the tub kneaded against my aching lower back and up my spine. I rolled my neck from side to side. My shoulders ached. My back was tight and throbbing. My lower spine felt like it was stuck in a vice. So a typical day I guess. The hot water soothed the chronic pain. The smell of the oat milk and honey bubble bath was intoxicating or maybe that was the joint I had just finished. Both? Karolina was indispensable. Suitable for so many roles and always willing to go above and beyond. She took her clients' needs seriously. A good fixer is hard to find these days. That’s exactly who she was. No job too small, no name too big she couldn’t knock down a peg or two. I heard the glass door of the master bathroom open and close, turning my head slightly to the left. I could just see her over the back of my shoulder, setting up quietly, filling needles and testing their injections. Precise as always. I leaned forward exposing my wet and soapy back, tilting my head forward and down as far as my decrepit old neck would. She knelt by the tub, drying off my back gently++

Karolina: Should we be expecting Herr Eoin this evening? Will he be coming to call on you?

++She continued to pat and dry off the injection spots and I heard her tear open the alcohol pad to prep the skin++

Elizabeth: Nein. Herr Eoin is displeased with me right now. It will just be you and I Karolina.

Karolina: Manchild. Is this about the tournament? Deep breath der Liebling, first injection.

++I drew in deep through my nostrils and closed my eyes as I felt the needle piercing my neck. It never became any easier, these shots. The cold stinging liquid turned to an acidic burning. I never failed to envision Bane from Batman and him hyping up on his venom, every time I had to take these shots. Another deep breath and she moved to the other side. It always seemed to last an eternity. Four injections on each side of my neck, eight total++

Karolina: Now we break. Let you recover. I know how hard this is for you. So tiring. You relax a little longer in the tub. I will go gather your robe and set your pajamas out, yes?

++Karolina was loyal and doting. A mother figure in some aspects. As the trigger point injections started to spread in my neck I gently rotated and rolled it around trying to figure out what the threshold was, how much less limited the mobility would be. I winced as I realized the left side was still stiff and not as mobile as I needed it to be. I snorted in frustration. As I stood from the tub and wrapped an oversized towel around me, Karolina returned scolding me for not being parient++

Karolina: Nein! What if you would have fallen? Lost your balance and fell back? Blöd! Come now. I’ll have a maid come and take care of this.

++She waved her hand gesturing at the bathroom and ushered me out into the master bedroom closing the bathroom door behind her. With the towel stil draped around my body I sat backwards at the end of the California King and away from her. This routine was just an everyday fact. Needles and massage therapy. She had already prepped the rest of the rounds and neatly set the aside, one by one next to each other. I had hoped Eoin would be here to tend to me. I longed for his affection and compassion. He had every right to be upset at me though. As I felt her begin the first injection, and knowing I was going to be here for a tick, I spoke up to Siri++

Elizabeth: Siri, play BiPolar Love on Spotify. Fuck…

++As the playlist started, I closed my eyes letting 10 Years fill my head. There was a long drawn out silence between Karolina and I as she went about the injections. It had been so long getting these that they didn’t even hurt anymore, it was just the process was exhausting. I flinched just a bit as she went to inject at the base of my neck++

Karolina: scheißen! Apologies Frau Lise.

Elizabeth: Don’t worry about it Karolina. Sometimes the injection spots are more sensitive than others. I’ll be fine. Continue…

++It was a terrible state, to be locked up in your own head. Trapped behind a facade. It was a full time job keeping my physical state underwraps and to keep hidden the treatments, typical and experimental, that I took part in on a day by day basis all in the name of kayfabe. All in the name of pride. I was getting lost in an internal mode, overanalyzing things when I heard Karolina trying to gather my attention++

Karolina: Frau Lise, why is Herr Eoin displeased? I know it is hurting you. I see such a sadness in your eyes. You know it is not beneficial for you to hold such bad feelings in. Speak candid with me Lise. Does he suspect infidelity? If I can help in any way to boost your spirits, then I will.

Elizabeth: Karolina, allow me to paint a picture for you. You have a title match. You go out and do your best, but you are practically buried. It seems to be a recurring theme. The company before did the same disgusting practices and thought it was alright, then they pretend to be shocked when you bring up your displeasure. Herr Eoin lost at the re-opening blowout show for OPW. I, did not. I walked out of the ring with a title belt that I had more than accepted was going to around Pauly boys waist.

Karolina: Jealousy? Is he holding resentment for your success? If so that can be…corrected.

Elizabeth: No. No it isn’t that. He was so proud and excited when I got backstage. He wanted to waste no time in celebrating. Whisked me away and out of there, strap and all. Hell I didn’t even have enough time to change out of my ring gear. He was ecstatic for me. Even as his own career has hit a brick wall. No his displeasure stems from me taking these one off dates. He would much rather me shift my focus on the most important outfits that I am involved with and cut down on the injury possibilities. He didn’t know about the Cannabis Cup tournament. It slipped my mind with so many other things I have been tackling and sorting out. I realized I hate these dates marked out in my black book and I casually remarked that I had a tournament obligation and he and I went around and around about the risks and the way I’m pushing the envelope and I’m putting myself in danger. I…didn’t respond in the most mature or nurturing way so he took off. I’m sure he’s with Eric, drinking lager and bitching about me.

Karolina: Ah I see. Your stubborn head is getting in the way again. Typical Lise. Tell me Fräulein, do his concerns hold merit? Is that why you took such offense? You don’t like being told things you know you need to hear but don’t wish too. It seems that this is yet one more of those situations, eh? Ah! Wunderbar! Finished.I’ll go put the medical pack away and give you some privacy to dress.

++Her brutal honesty and objective mind alone was worth the money she was being paid. I heard her gather all the various instruments and waste and move to a walk-in closet off to the side. I stood up, dropped the towel and ran my fingers through my wet hair. Lurching forward I grabbed the straphetti strap tank top that way laid on the side of the bed and pulled it over my head. I had just sat down to pull my black cotton boy short panties up my legs when Karolina returned, finished with her task. She politely didn’t look in my direction and instead went to the fully stocked bar and started mixing a drink, back turned to me to maintain privacy++

Elizabeth: You know Karolina, I’m not ashamed or embarrassed if you happen to see me topless or nude. We’re both grown women.

++I stood up after pulling them on and grabbed the sleep shorts and hastily put them on, slipping my feet into the most obnoxious, fluffy rainbow unicorn colored, vibrating slippers God himself had ever seen. As the sensation engulfed my feet I shuddered in pleasure and sat back against the pillows on the bed, propped up, grabbing a joint off the night stand++

Karolina: I know these things Frau Lise. You are quite comfortable in your own skin. I do these things for you. You work in an industry where you must share every part of yourself to the world. Privacy is hard to come by when you are hounded by peons at the airport, clamoring and clawing for a signature, a photo. Just so they can sell it. They whore the name you built with your own two hands for their greedy, undeserving profit. I would never. No. Within these walls, you are Elizabeth, not “Apathy”. I will treat you as such and with the respect and dignity you so much deserve.

Elizabeth: I respect that Karolina. I truly do. It means a lot. I’m still adjusting to the idea that I can turn off my stage name and I don’t have to give 100% of myself to the business. I just wish I could communicate better with Eoin…this whole spat was avoidable but I went on the defensive. He was just concerned that doing more gigs like this would be pushing my body to a dangerous pace. I should be thankful he understands the precariousness of the situation, but I am still so damn independent. How in the hell am I ever supposed to make a monogamous, healthy relationship work? I mean seriously. I don’t know what one looks like let alone how to make one work myself. He shows care, compassion, concern and what’s my response? “It’s my career, not yours. I will do as I please. I built this empire, not you!”. God just hearing me utter those words again makes me angry at myself. It was the wrong response and I know it. This is my fault and I know it.

Karolina: Ah, sweet child. May Kaolina be candid with you? Woman to woman?

++She sat down on the edge of the bed, by my feet and handed me a stiff drink. I could smell the mint. Julep. Strong. She truly did miss no detail. I gracefully took the glass from her and sipped, nodding for her to continue++

Karolina: What is the true reason you keep pushing yourself and appearing at these one offs? Do you even know a thing about this Bobby you will be facing in the tournament? What is the end goal for you? Tell me that…

++She smirked and sipped from a small straw as she drank her Jack and Coke, crossing her legs. I rubbed my chin, contemplating. I took one more sip of the Julep and nodded++

Elizabeth: Curiosity I guess. This is a big world, the industry is much larger now than it has ever been and I don’t want to be boxed into a corner of the same old same old. It gets boring and repetitive. I want to take time out of the usual grind to meet new talent, experience what other places have to offer. There is only so many times you can watch the same circle jerking, ass patting, best in the world schitick with the same people before it wears you down. I see tournaments like this as a way to get my own name out there to reaches of the industry who aren’t familiar with me. I see it as a chance to work with new people. It’s true. I know not a single damn thing about Bobby Boy and you know what that is okay. To me that is the purest form of what we do. Two people being able to go in the ring, not knowing each other from Adam and working a match and feeling each other out on the fly. It’s an adrenaline rush. I live for those small moments. So rarely anymore do I get to go to a show and practice my craft without there being some dark cloud looming over my head, a feud, an angry ex lover, a meglomaniacle owner who wanted to micro manage every fucking thing no matter how little sense it makes…sorry. There’s just A LOT to deal with on a day to day basis with some of these supposed “top tier companies”.

I look at engagements like this as a breath of fresh air. A chance to be able to work and showcase myself, and others, without a bunch of political bullshit or clique overshadowing everyone. I mean of course it will still be there, but it’s a multishow so whatever company A’s beef is with company B ain’t my issue. I don’t know shit about Bobby. I don’t know his style, his career history, never crossed paths with the guy but none of that honestly matters to me. The match itself is an opportunity, win or lose, there’s exposure, eyes on you and your craft. You look good in the ring against complete strangers, it makes people take a second look. My legacy does not begin or end in one company. It never did. And before the sands run out of that hourglass I want to tread new waters. Maybe learn a thing or two. The tournament is stacked as far as talent goes. I know I’m not truly in the running. At least I can say that I came and I tried and got some choice, sticky icky along the way. I know Eoin thinks I’m pushing myself too hard, or that I’m not taking into consideration that I need to rest. With that Legacy strap in my luggage I get it. I have defenses on the horizon that will push me to my limit and I need to be healthy and focused but, this is for me. Me choosing to work the tournament is for me. Something I wanted. I had no expectations that I would end up being a champion by this point but I know I am too much of a professional to back out. It would never do. I just wanted to enjoy the experience, is that so wrong Karolina?

++She stirred her drink and watched as the ice inside the glass tumbled and clanked. She poked through the chunks, contemplating. I could feel that familiar guilt creeping up in my stomach. That sheepish feeling of knowing you did something wrong. I could have handled it better I know. I really wanted to just call him and explain what I had just told Karolina, but I felt too cowardly to do so. I picked at the mint garnish on the side of my glass, crumpling it between my fingers until the sweet smell of fresh mint filled my nostrils++

Karolina: Seeking pleasure and enjoyment, for yourself alone, is not a crime. You give so much to the industry, who is to say you don’t deserve to work some dates here and there where you can just enjoy yourself? Immerse yourself in the going’s on? Herr Eoin loves you fiercely, passionately, but he too must understand that a woman such as yourself, so wise and worldly, crave new experiences and become restless if stuck in the same place too long. While his concerns are valid and important, you are not his property. You are your own woman. With that said Lise, you must work harder on open communication. These little spats will continue until you figure out your love language. You must reach a point where you trust being candid and honest with him. Or is that truly even love? I think you know what you need to do or else your whole plan of enjoying this tournament will be spoiled. If you value his affections, acknowledge his concern. Apologize and meet in the middle. You can still have your industry freedom and a man whom would go to the ends of the earth for you, no?

Elizabeth: The hardest thing to ever admit, is fault but yes you are right. May I…have some time alone Karolina? I need to call my beau. I’ve been selfish.

Karolina: Of course Frau Lise. I will be in the living room if you need anything…

++She stood, bowed respectfully and made her way from the master bedroom. I just hoped Eoin wasn’t drunk when I made that call++