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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » Leap Of Faith 2022 RP Board
The Return to Otherworld Saga #1: Locked, Cocked, and One Smoking Vagabond
Author Message
ALIAS Offline
Space Jesus



XWF FanBase:
The IWC

(gets varying reactions in the arenas, but will be worshiped like a god and defended until the end by internet fans; literally has thousands of online dorks logging on to complain anytime they lose a match or don't get pushed right)


#1
05-19-2022, 04:30 AM



                                                                                                                              

























































1A: I Hear It

The Nexus.
19 May 2020.

Red.

And white.

A broken mug laid shattered on the floor. An omen of… well, you know the story.

Droplets splattered around it, leading towards a fraying basket. Within it, bandages were piled atop washed-out jeans, over-used towels, and flannel shirts of the same damn pattern.

Blood.

'This is the life I chose,' Lance supposed.

He heard his BEST FRIEND rinse off a towel in a basin across the room - if you could call this place that. ALIAS was in that quartered off space only navigable through the maze of shelves, furniture and out-of-place decor. Few ever really went there unless they needed to take a Charlie Nickles. The magic was everywhere else. The fireplace that served as the entryway like everybody who entered was Santa; the tomes and artefacts that for no apparent reason other than disuse were steadily disappearing from the Nexus's vast library; and the three prolific windows that ran across the other walls. Through those windows, one could see anything. One could see everything!

But all they saw were red.

Blood spurted from where his ear was. Lance watched.

Blood spurted from where his ear was. Lance watched.

Blood spurted from where his ear was. LANCE WATCHED.

CLAP!

His BEST FRIEND changed the channel.

Stars.

Always with the stars.

"How's it holding up?" He, the aforementioned BEST FRIEND, asked.

"Umm… okay…" Lance said. His hand hovered next to his head, wanting to pat down but afraid to do so. The wound was wrapped up tight but he knew that putting any sort of pressure on it, even just a gentle touch, could topple him in an instant. He was missing a fucking ear. How the hell was he supposed to feel?

"He needs to go to a doctor," the OTHER BEST FRIEND Dani repeated, firmly. Through what remained on the other side of his head, Lance had heard her say that over and over by now. From the cavity closest to Dani, everything sounded… quiet.

"Try telling him that!" Space Jesus said. Dani crossed her arms in front of her chest and prepared to settle in for an argument. Lance didn't want that. Neither did either of the other two. ALIAS was happy to divert the conflict, but Dani? She felt like she needed somebody to blame.

"Stop, please…" Lance managed. Both of his friends responded accordingly. "I don't want a doctor."

"We know," Dani said, really stressing the second word. "It doesn't mean you shouldn't see one though."

"She's right," the Wolf-Skinner added. "You know she's right. You let her tape you up, why won't you let her steer you in the right direction now?"

Dani's shoulders relaxed upon hearing her OTHER BEST FRIEND's deference. She let her arms drop to her side. Lance saw the same happen on his other flank, and he pushed himself up from the perennially dishevelled bed slotted into the wall next to the fireplace.

"Follow my voice."


(Ignore that.)


"Guys…" Lance pleads, "You know why we're here. You know why I'm here. Why we… I… ever was."

"To lose a frickin' ear?" Only Dani would be able to get away with that level of frankness and not get Lance down in the dumps.

"I'm sorry," the Legend-Breaker said. He bowed his head slightly but Lance raised a full hand against the Soldier-Butcher's voice.

"You don't have anything to apologise for," Lance said. Dani wanted to disagree, but Lance was adamant about setting her right too. "Neither of you do! Unless your names are Charle Nickles, Jim Jimson, Barney Green, or Jenny Myst."

"I'm not trying to apologise," Dani cut in, despite what definitely seemed like the opposite. "I'm trying to make sure your dang ear isn't going to get infected or something! Or… what’s left of it…"

"Dani…" Lance looked towards where Dani found herself shuffling into position. She wriggled into place atop the edge of a desk/shelf that rimmed the small space in front of the something-something-mystical-something-something that surrounded Lance and the Master of the Universe.

Dani understood what he was trying hard not to say.

"I'm here," Lance said. "I'm not going anywhere."

"How do you know that?" she asked.

His response was a cold glance in ALIAS's direction. He was saved, right? Saved!

But LANCE himself knew better.

...What just happened there?


Lance himself knew better.

In his hands he rolled back-and-forward a tiny orb of bluish-purple, tinged with a whole fat lot of nothing.

He wobbled a little.

"I've got you," Lance's BEST FRIEND said as he scooped his arm underneath Lance’s. Dani did the same on the other side and hovered in place, ready to support Lance until his tired legs finally figured out which way was up and found their strength. He stabilised himself.

"This is the world I chose…" Lance said, comfortable enough to drift off but not enough to state the fucking facts.

So he elaborated further. And Dani heard it!

"Follow my voice."


Not that!

Not even Lance hears that.

"Follow my voice."


Or that.

"The girl…" Lance said, earless as he is.

"You know?" ALIAS asked, beating the universe over the head with the motif this time. Lance shouldn’t ‘know’ though. He was gone before his BEST FRIEND ever returned from North Korea. But yet, as soon as he saw the orb when he was helped back here to the nexus, he had felt an urge to pick it up and grasp it.

With one more glance at it, he handed the trans-dimensional tool to the only guy that anybody could possibly call the motherfuckin' guy in this kind of shenanigan.

Or any other, for that matter.

Lance handed over that impossibly glowing stone because he knew exactly what's about to blow.

And shatter more than a fucking mug.

"I'm safe," Lance said to ALIAS, without a hint of irony about the blood soaked bandage tied taut around his head. "Is the Universe? Is our future?"

He didn't know. But Lance had handed Him a fucking stone - periwinkle, glowing somehow in black - and he was damn sure gonna make a sculpture out of it.

"Follow my voice."


Lance made his choice months ago. And Dani…?

"Go," she said.

The Universe was at stake, after all.

ALIAS gripped the stone and thought of what might come next.

"Go," Lance urged, mirroring Dani's rationale. ”I’ll be fine. I’ll be safe. The most exciting thing that I’ll probably get up to is cleaning up this broken mug here. Go, and find Her."

Her.

Paritegi.

The Daughter of ALIAS.

They nodded. All three of them.

She was in Otherworld. They knew that.

And she needed to come home.

"You are so close. Come to me!"








1B: Return To Otherworld



Otherworld. Location unknown.
The year 2040.

I was birthed forth into the world, like a light in the dark.

The pitch black nether regions of… somewhere… briefly glowed as the warped, swirling mess of reality folding in on itself rips its way into this future. Gripped in my hand was the otherworldly stone that somehow allowed this travel to be 'possible', I landed with two feet firmly on the ground. The clap of my well-worn sneakers on sheet vinyl flooring circled around the space for a moment, triggering a minor bout of concern. I didn't know where I was. Or who else might be there.

The last echo faded out just as the portal zipped shut behind me and plunged me back into the darkness. A silence followed. Being careful not to move, I trained my ears towards the world now hidden from me. Through the quiet, I searched for whatever horrors might await. Any sign or sound of someone, or something, approaching, could very well be the end of me. But I wouldn't go down without a fight. I never did.

I waited.

But nothing came.

It was ‘safe’, whatever that word meant.

Placing one foot in front of another, I began a slow creep through the dark. The lights that the vortex-like gateway had shone on the space earlier let me know that there wasn't much but concrete walls and steel pipes in the immediate vicinity. It was a mostly square space, with an opening on at least three sides.

Left.

Centre.


Right.

I edged towards the left. It seemed… appropriate.

Though my vision was impeded, the angle I cut from where I first landed was a good one, and I found my way into the passage. I wasn't quite sure why, but as of late I seemed to have developed a habit of running my hand along walls while I walked. It came in quite handy in situations like this. The occasional water or gas pipe - just like I had seen when the light briefly paid a visit - interrupted my hand's run, but it was easy enough to find the wall again. It guided me through the bowels of Otherworld.

I came across a stairwell. By ‘came across’, I mean that I accidentally kicked it with my foot. Hard. Without much further thought though, I began scaling it. A metal railing that my hand found jutting out from the wall made for a better navigational aid, so I used it to read when I was about to come up to an intermediate landing and adjust my climb accordingly. It turned me around and the steps carried up in the opposite direction towards another landing. The process repeated two more times before the dim outline of the world began to push its way through.

Light! It must be!

One more flight of stairs later (and a concerted effort to control my breathing after climbing five fucking stories as a chain smoker!), and my suspicion was confirmed. My head popped up from the stairwell and I immediately pulled it back down. A halo of light peeked its way over the top of a barrier that seemed to only run three quarters of the way towards the ceiling. With an extra touch of caution and the benefit of the added light, a closer look revealed it to be a large cupboard.

And to amplify my worries, I thought I just heard its doors close on the other side.

Footsteps scuffed along the ground.

There was someone there. They were muttering to themselves and began clanging things on what sounded like a metal surface.

I had to ask myself: go forward or go backwards? Previous questions like this had led to a whole host of 'what if' scenarios playing out. A veritable 'choose your own adventure' - quite literally, on occasion. But this time the choice was easy. Going backwards meant a five story dive back into darkness and no knowledge of what would await me. Forwards, on the other hand, meant potential confrontation. But where there were people, there was likely a way out.

My goal was simple here.

I was looking for the girl.

The Daughter of ALIAS.

Not the older version of her that I knew dwelled here, but the child who transported herself here to escape from those who would do her harm. I believed, just as Lance and Dani did, that finding her would help stop this monstrous fucking world from ever existing.

It'd stop what I become in it.

I needed to get out into the world! So I pressed forward. The shadowed corners - places where nobody cared to look - were my friends. It was a realm I was very comfortable in. Sticking to them, I slinked over the crest of the stairs, and slipped into hiding behind the large cupboard. From here I could hear the life on the other side nattering away, but it was still too muffled to make out and I certainly had no idea on how to get past. Not yet, anyway. On either side of the room, more shadows beckoned. I chose left again and soon found myself crouched behind a dusty, empty crate with the word ACME printed on the side. I couldn’t tell if it was ironic or not. Either way, the view of the space on the other side of the cupboard-cum-room divider had become clear. As did the person in it.

I would recognise that hair anywhere, even in this lighting, but I didn't need to resort to that for identification. I saw his face.

Ned Kaye.

He was frocked in a white lab coat, and rummaging about in what looked like a large toolbox, propped up on a metal table in the centre of the floor. Around him, instruments of all sorts of design were splayed amongst the dinge. Some, I recognised. Scalpels, syringes, a goddamn chainsaw!

'Cause that always bodes well, right?

Others seemed completely foreign to me, likely of some futuristic origin. Their unfamiliarity really stood out to me, however, given my own history being treatedtortured in rooms that looked almost exactly like… this…

Wait a minute…

"AHA!" Ned exclaimed, jerking to an upright position. The suddenness of it almost made me jump, which would have no doubt given away my position. I couldn't have that. Not yet. Not until I had ascertained where Ned Kaye sat with regards to the whole Super-Evil-Overlord-Version-Of-Me-From-The-Future-That-Sounds-More-And-More-Ridiculous-The-More-That-I-Explain-It. Was he more Notorious, or Nefarious? Or was he something else entirely?

Looking on from my hidey-hole, I saw him brim with pride as he held up a large nail.

"I found it!" he announced further. He accompanied his proclamation with a sort of look over his shoulder that suggested it was directed towards someone in particular. Was he not alone down here? Maybe some kind of tech…

Fuck.

There. On the right hand side of the room.

Cages.

I lamented that I should have turned right! I might have been able to help!

No… no, that would have just risked giving me away. Ned's attention seems focused in that direction, so the further that I was away from where he is looking, the better.

He collected a hammer from the table - because what good is a nail without a hammer? - and started swinging his new toys wildly in his hands.

"I told you that it was around here somewhere, didn't I?" he said, dawdling his way in the direction of the cages. Did I… did I see movement in there?

This was starting to feel too familiar for me.

A lone string dangled just at the edge of the ring of light constructed by the conical light shade hanging above the table. Ned waited there a moment, on the border between worlds, clearly not affected by any degree of haste. It was an apt description for him really - torn between which side he will choose.

He pulled the string, and I found out exactly what kind of Ned Kaye I was dealing with here.

The cages lit up from another bulb identical to the one above the table. They looked exactly like the ones I had seen at the location of The Bastard's Freak Show the last time that I was in Otherworld. And just like with those cages, there were people trapped inside.

Ned's back blocked any further view as he closed in on the captives. He dragged the hammer along the steel bars that lined the front of the cells and a foreboding doom sung out.

"The question is…" he started. There was a giddy glee in the way he let the words hang in the air. Like this was just a game to him. "...Which of you gets the nail first?"

He giggled to himself like a little schoolgirl. I heard a jangling clank of metal on metal that I took to be chains pulling on the cage bars.

"Do me!" a gravelled voice called out. Whomever it came from was barely able to contain their excitement. "Do me and then I can join your group! I promise I'll be the bestest little soldier!"

"Ugh," Ned groaned. "Honestly, I think I've poked holes in you so much there's nothing left inside to play with, Marf."

Marf! He's in one of the cages! And from the sounds of it, this nefarious version of Ned had been having his sweet way with him. I didn’t know how I felt about that. There had always been something about Marf that I found to be kind of fun, but at the end of the day, every choice that sonofabitch made was always the one that led him to be on the opposite side of the fray to me. The Left Hand, and then, more recently in the world I came from, The Bastards. Given that, one would never mistake him for being the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I knew that didn't mean he deserved this. Even so… I couldn't help but wonder why I should help him? What would freeing a guy like him accomplish other than freedom for freedom's sake? I would usually consider that a worthy cause, but selfishly, Ned was distracted right now! I thought I had a pretty good shot at sneaking across the room without him seeing me. The Universe was at stake here! Fuck Marf!

"Closer! Yes, closer!"


I could see another staircase rising on the far side. The higher I would climb, the closer I would get to the heavens. To The Universe!

It was fucking calling me!

"Follow my voice."


"But my enhancements!?" Marf pleaded. "Everyone else got one!"

Enhancements…

I knew what he was talking about. I remembered what I saw last time I was in this world. The Bastards: Charlie Nickles, Bobby Bourbon, Thunder Knuckles, and Big Money Oswald were all cybernetically enhanced. Unknown Soldier and Ruby were given superpowers, for crying out loud! Super strength and super speed respectively. Not to mention the actual fucking vampire, Vita Valenteen, roaming about, and the zombified versions of Theo Pryce, Vinnie Lane, Doctor Louis D'Ville, and Gator that The Exiles (Frankie Duke, the North Korean War Criminal, and the future version of my 'daughter', grown and under the guise of the North Korean War Queen) and I had fought through. I couldn't blame Marf for wanting a piece of that pie. It seemed like it might actually be a necessity to even survive in this hellhole of a world. Maybe there'd even be a werewolf around here for him somewhere…

It wasn’t not true though. Not everyone had gotten one. Not everyone had survived the process. Soldier had relayed the story of what it was like to be in a cell like one of these, and despite how untrustworthy he proved to be, Ruby had confirmed the story herself.

Morbid Angel's carcass had been carted past them.

Well shit, maybe it was the right direction for Marf to take his life in after all…

No. I couldn’t think like that. I needed to focus on finding Paritegi, and for that, I needed my attention to be on Ned Kaye for the moment. I had known that The Bastards had a role in capturing people for whatever experiments had been conducted. Was Ned a part of what had happened to them as well?

"Some people just aren't cut out for it…" Ned's beautiful locks flapped above the collar of his coat while he shook his head. "I think it's time to play with our new toys."

"Eat my dick," another voice added. Ned's hammer dinged off the bar once more before falling to his side.

"Now that would be an interesting proposition!" he declared, without any attempt to disguise the ridicule attached. "Picture this… someone who ingests dicks and then converts that cock energy into laser beams that they shoot out of their…"

"Their dick?" another, feminine voice asked.

"Yes!" Ned roared in approval.

I'm pretty sure Thunder Knuckles had laser beams shooting from his dick…

Ned must have been involved in helping The Bastards!

"I knew it would be you that understood," the nefarious scientist continued. "It usually requires some sort of base for the ability to take, even if I go the scientific route. And if the stories I've heard about the two of you are true, you've eaten plenty of dick in your lifetime, so I’d say we’ve got a good chance at–."

"You motherfuck–" the male voice snapped.

"Don't, Tyler," the female interrupted. "He's just trying to get a rise out of you."

Tyler…?

No way…

"I know, Ems," Tyler said, backing down.

Tyler. Ems.

Emily.

These were Charlie Nickles' kids! The last time that I saw them, they were fleeing the battlefield after I saved Frankie Duke from their clutches.

"Wait… the two of you…?" I heard Marf ask. Ned might have been right when he suggested that there wasn't much grey matter left inside Marf's skull. "Can I be in your group?"

Oh I fucking hope he didn't know what he was asking there…

"Settle down, lovebirds," Ned said. I didn't know if it was just the Nickles kids he was speaking to, or if he was including Marf there as well. "You guys wouldn't be able to go to pound town anyway. You're all chained up, remember?"

I still couldn't see their faces, but the silence that washed over the room told me that Tyler, Emily, and Marf all understood their situation perfectly.

"The thing that each of you need to realise, however, is that none of you are exactly… how do I say this…?" He paused for dramatic effect. "...Suitable. I mean, look at the three of you! You're a half-braindead doofus, and the incestuous result of what I can only assume is multiple generations of… well… doing exactly like what the two of you have been doing. Because let's face it, kids… someone like Charlie Nickles doesn't come into the world unless his parents are related. You're the bottom of the gene pool, and I already got in enough trouble for giving your daddy his robo-breasts. The High Lord has no use for any of you."

The High Lord! By that he meant me. The other me. The one I can't let myself become.

"You’re not going to be soldiers," Ned continued to dress down his prisoners. "You're cadavers. Subjects for me to poke and prod and find out more about how we can improve those of you that have more to offer. And after that…"

"I can join your group?" Marf earnestly asked.

"Jesus Christ…" I felt like I could hear Ned's eyes roll.

I suppose I had begun to suspect it, but finding out he was working for my variant caused my fists to ball up. If light were shone on the corner I hid in, the whites of my knuckles would give off a blinding reflection. Whatever I thought of Marf or the Nickles children, I was starting to see a pretty good rationale for why I might need to intervene.

I was about to be given one more reason.

Footsteps. Just like what gave away the presence of Ned Kaye. And they were coming from the stairwell that would lead me up towards The Universe.

There was light in that direction.

But not in the eyes of the figure who descended from on high.

Unknown Soldier.

The super-strong turncoat who murdered Ruby - his fucking lover! - on the top of The High Lord's dark tower.

~~~


Flee across the desert, you filthy pissant.

~~~


Ned heard the arrival too. He spun on his heels to face the killer. I noted that he didn't look particularly happy to see the Satan ALIAS-worshipper. With a barely disguised sigh, he closed the ground towards Soldier, dropping the hammer and nail onto the metal table again with a loud clang.

"Hail ALIAS!" Soldier proclaimed. It was unnerving the first time that I had heard him say that, and that was when he was acting like he was an ally! Now it took on a whole additional meaning.

Soldier's charcoal trenchcoat crinkled as he gestured with his hand. It was some pledge of allegiance that carried strong fascist vibes. Ned made a lazy attempt to mimic it and the thick layer of face paint that Soldier wore made it impossible to figure out what he thought of that. It looked as though he was here with a purpose. And that he wouldn't let whatever snarky cynicism Ned wanted to bring to the table derail that aim.

"Pack up," Soldier commanded. "We need to move out."

"Why?" Ned questioned. It seemed to me that he wasn't very keen to take orders.

"He's back."

That stunned Ned to his core.

‘Who is back?’ I wondered.

Ned nodded, knowing.

"And my research?" He glanced over his shoulder towards the cages that held Marf and the Nickles siblings.

"Destroy it," Soldier replied. Like Ned, his head moved specifically in the direction of where the captives were held. "All of it."

"All?" Ned complained.

"Leave nothing for Him to find."

Him.

Who?

Someone who is 'back'.

Oh…

Me.

The High Lord knows I’m back in Otherworld.

That’s going to be… problematic.

While I was busy trying to decipher what Soldier had been telling Ned, the villain had returned to the vicinity of his prisoners.

With the chainsaw.

Unknown Soldier took a few steps into the central ring of light in the room.

The chainsaw screeched to life.

Ned was going to kill them! Tyler, Emily, and even Marf! Because of me!

"NO!" I shouted, losing control.

Whether I wanted to or not, I was now thrust into a confrontation that I was never seeking.

A super-strong Unknown Soldier.

A chainsaw-wielding Ned Kaye.

And me.

And all that entails.

"Follow my voice."


Easier said than done.







1C: Free-dumb

Ned Kaye's Laboratory.
The year 2040.

The manic rage of the chainsaw made it hard to focus. Still I stepped into the light. 'Twas always my fate, I suppose. To have my fight be brought out into the open. Not that I believe in such childish fairy tales like fate or destiny, mind you.

Oddly enough, the churning blade that Ned Kaye wielded wasn't the most pressing concern. Unknown Soldier was sprinting towards me with as much pace as he could drum up in just a few strides. It turned out that his enhanced strength extended to his legs as well, and while he wasn’t as quick as Ruby had been, he was on me before I could even react. With one drop of his shoulder onto my sternum, I was flying back towards the crate I had previously been squatting behind. I scrambled to my feet just in time to dive out of the way of a crushing stomp that would have done more damage to me than the combined totality of anything anyone else had ever thrown my way before - Lycana’s immolation of me included. Half born out of luck, I managed a clumsy roll across the ground as I tried to get clear of the rampaging Soldier. He wasn't a particularly large man by the standards of the industry that we first encountered one another in, but I knew that every hit he landed would feel like it came from a man twice his size. Or worse.

My right shoulder twanged. It had been throbbing non-stop ever since Thaddeus Duke and I locked horns on the side of a volcano just a couple of weeks ago. For the most part I had gotten used to it, almost like I was accepting it as a part of my DNA these days, just as I had the mangled scars underneath the black glove that rarely left the other end of the limb. But now, with a couple of knocks against it like this, it flared up all over again.

I had done a good job of getting some distance between Soldier and I. It was enough to take a breath. But then there was the issue of the madman with the chainsaw. He let out a frenzied wail as he lifted the machine above his head and swung down to where I was trying to pull myself up. At the last second I darted to the side, chambering across the floor on all fours. Sparks flicked up from the ground as the blades dug a small gorge into the floor. I slid under the table to avoid a second swing.

"Hey!" I heard someone shout. It was Emily.

There was no time to ask her what she wanted. I was on my feet again and Unknown Soldier was back and firing off round after round of punches aimed directly at my head. I ducked and danced around, and my foe went from punching air to punching wall and then back to punching air again as I spun him in a tight circle. Ned's chainsaw ripped alive again, but with me being so close to Soldier, it was like Ned didn't want to risk gutting the wrong pig. Interesting… I could use that.

"Hey, you dumb bitch!" Emily called again. Was I the 'dumb bitch'? "If you let us out of here, we can help you!"

I was the 'dumb bitch', apparently! In her mind anyway.

"I'm a little busy here!" I shouted back, dodging another clubbing blow from Unknown Soldier. He followed it up with an overhead strike, and as I skirted to his side, his fist slammed down onto the steel table. Tools spilled onto the floor as the fucking thing broke in half under his strike!

"You're going to be a little dead soon if you have to keep doing this by yourself!" Tyler added. He was right. With the table now in pieces, it provided me one less obstacle to put between myself and my attackers. That greatly increased the chance of me losing my head - via blade or fist.

"No need to worry about that" Ned squealed. "You're all going to be a lot dead soon enough!"

After seeming so disheartened at Soldier's announcement that he'd have to 'destroy' his subjects, Ned really seemed to have switched gears now. He was relishing this!

And I was running out of ideas.

I didn't know if I could trust Tyler and Emily. My dealings with them last time pretty clearly showed that the apple hadn't fallen far from the tree when it came to the two of them. But I didn't have much of a choice. After another artful (but effortful) sidestep, I used every ounce of power I could push through my legs to hook my foot underneath one broken half of the table and flick it into the air. It didn’t get very high, but it was enough. I caught it with both hands and hurled it in Ned's direction. As far as I could tell, he was still human. I figured that I would have a better shot at taking him out of commission for longer, allowing me to deal with Soldier separately.

It worked. The table shard came hurtling towards Ned and the piece of shit tried to deflect it with the chainsaw. Bad move. The impact of the metal frame knocked the spinning death clean out of his hands. Ned himself dove to safety as the chainsaw engine kept spluttering away. He wasn't so tough without his weapon.

That just left Unknown Soldier. I tried the same trick on him - the second piece of the table smacking him clean in the forehead. Unlike Ned, he didn’t cower away. The savage just took the hit and stumbled back. That was okay though, I wasn't actually expecting that move to take him out completely, just delay him long enough to make a dash for the cages that cells that Tyler, Emily, and Marf were held in.

"Get us out of here!" Tyler barked.

"I'm fucking trying!" I told him.

Up close like this I saw it was one long cage that the three were in, filled with excrement and scraps of food just sitting there next to the faeces. Marf in particular looked horrid. His hair had grown long, his beard was equally unkempt, and pocks and scars seemed distributed across every piece of exposed skin I could see. Who knew how long he had been locked away here?

"Well try harder!" the impatient cunt said. A part of me wanted to just leave him here, but his sister was right. I needed the help. I could hear Unknown Soldier gathering himself behind me, as the sound of the chainsaw began to putter out.

There was a digital lock on the cage door, not unlike one that the North Korean War Criminal had opened back atop the Dark Tower, ironically enough to free Unknown Soldier. But that one only required one digit to open - seven. This one was asking for four digits and I had no fucking clue what they could be!

"Time's up," Soldier said, as if he were in my head and hearing my frantic 'planning' - for lack of a better word. "Hail ALIAS."

He stalked his way towards me.

What's the fucking code?!

"Follow my voice."


I did.

I listened to that fucked up little voice in my head and put in the first numbers that come to mind.

Sixty-nine sixty-nine.

Hehe.

It worked!

The door swung open just as Unknown Soldier came upon me. I slipped inside amongst the filth (and that was just referring to the people!) just in time to avoid another devastating blow from my future self's devoted acolyte. A couple of the bars buckled under the force, bending inwards. I pulled the door shut behind me, hoping that with the added strength of Tyler, Emily, and Marf, we could push back against the strongman. Soldier didn't need the door, though. Without blinking, he grabbed the weakened bars and yanked them loose, ripping an opening in the side of the cage and effectively negating the effort I went through to get the door open in the first place.

As I mentioned… he wasn't a large man. The gap was big enough for him to fit through. And he did.

Unknown Soldier entered the cage.

But the would-be victims within were ready.

Tyler and Emily Nickles leaped into action in perfect unison. Using the chains that bound them for leverage, they slid around the sides of the devil-worshipper, and linked their shackles over his arms. With all their strength, they pulled back as if they were trying to tie his arms together behind his back.

"Can I join your group?" Marf asked, jumping into the mix. He united with the Nickles siblings and wrapped his own chain around Soldier's neck before throwing his whole body backwards, trying to choke the murderer out!

Unknown Soldier was strong. He fought back! With a primal scream he tensed every muscle fibre in his body and met their resistance. He surged his arms and head forward! The chains broke!

Unknown Soldier was free!

But… so was everyone else.

Our attacker fumed. His eyes glowered. He took one second to catch his breath before unleashing his next assault. And we were all at his mercy.

Except… one second was all I needed.

I've always been a little dirty.

So I kicked him as hard as I could in his fucking dick.

And we ran. Bursting free from the cage, we bolted for the stairwell that Unknown Soldier had come down. There was no sign of Ned Kaye - he must have fled after dropping the chainsaw - and we had no idea what awaited us at the top of the stairs, but it seemed a hell of a lot more likely to be the way out than heading back down into the darkness below. Down there, we would be sitting ducks. Soldier was down, but he wasn't out. We had to take whatever opportunity we could.

The staircase continued to rise. I didn't have a chance to count how many landings we turned around on but it felt like a lot. Eventually, the artificial light of the hanging bulbs gave way to a glimmer of real light. Real hope!

Around the square edges of a rusted, industrial hatch, the sun crept in. I took the lead and started barracking against it with my body. It seemed locked from the outside, but with the benefit of hindsight, there must have been a way for Ned and Soldier to get out. Unless Ned already had…

The others joined in, and with our powers combined, the vault door exploded open.

We fell out into the sun, landing in a dusty pile.

"Come on," I said to the others. "We need to keep moving. Soldy can't be too far behind."

Without so much as a peep, each of them followed. That kind of surprised me, but it was also heartening. There was certainly strength in numbers here in Otherworld. Even amongst a motley crew such as this.

On instinct more than anything else, I led the group into the nearby brush. The thicket would provide cover if Unknown Soldier should pursue us.

We pushed through it for what felt like a whole day. In truth, it was maybe an hour or so. But the entire time, we pressed on in relative silence. Only the occasional groan or grunt disturbed it. It wasn't until we came across a small stream trickling through the bush that I thought to change that. As soon as he saw the water, Marf dove head first into it and started scooping it into his mouth. I took pity on the wretched beast.

"Let’s stop here," I said. Tyler and Emily didn't immediately say anything, but they still complied. Marf kept guzzling back the water, and I had to pat him on the shoulder to pull his attention away. "Take it easy, eh? I know you must be thirsty, but if you drink too much too quickly, your body might reject it and that’ll just fuck you over even more."

His pitiful eyes looked up at me, and he nodded to show he understood. One more cupped hand of water found its way to his mouth and he scuttled back from the brook to rest against a fallen tree. I looked around and saw Tyler and Emily in similar situations.

"You guys okay?" I asked. They had helped save my life, just as I had helped save theirs. The least I could do was show them a little bit of humanity. Where Marf’s eyes were full of woe, theirs were both dead.

"Are you sure we weren't followed?" Emily asked. We hadn't heard a peep from Unknown Soldier on our travels. It was possible that we had just played our cards right and had gotten clear. Luck didn’t always work out that way, however, and Ems was right to be suspicious.

"No," I said, being as honest as I could. "But I don't think we were. For whatever reason, I think Soldy stopped chasing us."

"Then we're going to leave you pussies to it," Tyler jumped in.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"We. Are. Gonna. Bounce." He looked at me like I was an idiot.

"Are you sure you guys are going to be safe?" I looked back and forward between the two of them. They could leave. That was fine. But last time they bailed they wound up in the cage I just found them in, so maybe it wasn't such a hot idea.

"We've survived this long," Tyler replied.

"Where are you going to go?" I asked.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" The son of Charlie Nickles rose from where he rested. "We're not friends, you dumb bitch!"

Oh, great! I was a ‘dumb bitch’ to both of them!

"Okay!" I shrugged. If he didn't want to tell me, I wasn’t going to push the issue. They were free to go.

My indifference only seemed to raise Tyler's ire more. Emily, on the other hand, seemed a little less wound up. We shared an odd gaze that suggested a gratitude her brother wasn’t sharing.

"Can I ask a favour, though?" I turned my attention back to Tyler. He was the one I needed to get on side.

At Emily's urging, he let me say my piece.

"I want to find The Exiles," I explained. "I know that you guys don't exactly like them, but if you could just point them in the direction I need, I can leave you to it."

"Those fuckholes can't help you," Tyler spat. "And even if I knew where they were, I wouldn't tell you. The sooner they get their brains blown out the better!"

"The Oracle would know," Emily said. Tyler shot her a look of death, but she pulled herself from the ground and took a place next to her brother. "That's where we're going. It's supposed to be safe. You could… you could come with us."

"Ems…" Tyler whined.

"The Oracle, huh?" I asked.

"Come with us," she repeated. She looked at her brother, and eventually, managed to get a non-verbal sign of agreement from him. (Basically he just walked away.)

"Lead the way," I said. And the three of us looked to set off.

Except… we forgot one thing.

"Hey, can I join your group?" Marf asked.

We all collectively rolled our eyes. But we let the sad sack tag along anyway.







1D: Is That Your Foot In Your Mouth, Or My Cock?

“What's Goldi telling you, Charlie? Is she getting all wet at the prospect of you putting her up on that grand pedestal should you finally snag the big one?

Third time's the charm, right?

Well both of you need to keep it in your pants. Because The Universe is a'calling, mon cher. Just not for you.

I know you’ve had the hots for me, bud, so do wanna know how big my dick is?

Chill, motherfucker, it’s a metaphor!

What isn’t, amirite?

My dick so big that King Kong is gonna climb up it in the next remake.

That’s a throwback to Big Preesh right there, and also shout out to Drew Carey, which in turn is a little L-O-L at your fucking attempt last time to steal Mitch Hedberg’s shit and rehash it as your own. I asked you before that to start bringing some better jokes, and the invite still stands again, boo. Or at least cite your fucking sources. Here’s an example:

Charlie Nickles.

Joke told, and joke delivered, every time you wheeze a fucking breath, cunt

First told, however, by Mama Nickles herself when you done fell outta her crusted cunt to begin with. Come to think of it, Mama Pocket-Change's name absolutely sounds like how much it musta cost Daddy Nickles to get his fucking dick wet when his sister finally let him in. And yup, I just said that the Nickles’ family cock-socket was somehow simultaneously all dried up and yet moistening your papa’s rotten pecker at the same time. Is that a contradiction? Yessir! With big, blaring sirens! And I’m only drawing more and more attention to it with every word that I say!

Why would I do that, I wonder? I hope there’s some method to this madness!

Woo!

Let’s see if you can figure it out before I have to tell it to you, ‘cause Schrodinger’s puss’ aside… given the family business, those parents of yours must be so disappointed that you’re out here letting me have a second round on that bussy for free. I know I am. But we’ll get to that. Let’s talk more about my dick! Oh yeah, baby! We’re doing dong jokes and calling yo mama a ho today! Seems cheap, right? ‘Bout worth a nickel if you ask me! HA!

Methodically.

I’m not actually laughing. I know that’s all just some meaningless bullshit that adds nothing to the overall picture and I’m still leaving it there for you to pull me up on.

But my dick though…

My dick so big that even Preesh himself could waterslide down its veins.

More importantly, my dick so big that I can stand here and say that I was wrong about something without any concern whatsoever for how it’ll look on me. What was I wrong about, you ask?

You made it to April with the Television Championship.

For realsies, man, colour me surprised! I was sure that you’d have fallen flat on your face by then, but no! For that, you made me wait until you got run over by the Mark Flynn and North Korean War Criminal bus instead! I appreciate you looking out for my enjoyment on that one. Awfully interesting story about how you took the L when I was in the building though, isn’t it?”



[Image: Kl7C63W.gif]



“HEY! Get the fuck out of here, Marf! Don’t you have a new group of pathetic bitches to join?

Really, Charlie, I’m stretching to connect my presence that absolute fucking failure (again) to take the tag team championships after promising such big things, and I acknowledge it. I mean, I’m going to bring it up over and over again, because it really helps paint the picture of Charlie Nickles, but my part in it? It’s not even bait. It’s just… an observation of a correlation.

And a fucking omen.

I kind of wish you were fucking good enough to have won though, because you’re coming into this motherfucker empty-handed and that wasn’t the terms I set for you! Oh sure you’ve physically got Goldi, but I thought I was the number one contender?! Where’s my shot, cunt? Didn’t you put on your Thrax gimp mask and accept my deal? Or was that someone else? What, are you Thad Duke now screaming ‘actor!’, ‘actor!’ Shit… that’s the sorta thing that you and I both ought to be able to get a chuckle outta, Chuck.

Just ‘cause I said the issue was over, Dukey, doesn’t mean your bullshit ain’t still bullshit.

Instead, this is starting to feel a lot like you bitching out when I set a date for us last year, Charlie! Oh I know Theo seemed to have other ideas, but I made my intentions very fucking clear, and you Charlie didn’t bring a single fucking thing to the party here. Television Championship? Nope! Tag Team Championship? Nope! Come on, motherfucker, you couldn’t have gone and scrounged up the goddamn Freestyle Championship to give me something to get outta this deal? I mean, with how you dodged responding to my terms so many damn times it’s really starting to look like you were much more comfortable with the story being ‘Charlie Nickles gives up the Television Championship’ than ‘Charlie Nickles has everything taken from him by the motherfucking Bastard-Tamer’. I don’t blame ya, really. Because those were the only two options. You having your cake and eating it too was never on the table.

Still isn’t.

Only one of us is doing any ‘eating’ around here.

Fucking metaphors!

I’m starting think here that all this bluster about you getting your your greasy mitts on The Universe has been lacking substance all along! GASP! SHOCK! ERMAGAWD! Charlie Nickles has no fucking substance? Nobody should be surprised. I mean, it’s not like we’ve been here before, right? It’s not like you saved up all your fucking energy for one desperate attempt at taking a shot at the Grand Fucking Poobah (fuck off Poo-Bobby, I claimed it first), waited until the last minute to ‘teabag’ me, only to pop out a coupla ribs like you’re Marilyn Manson and facefuck yourself instead.



Wait a hot darn minute!

That’s exactly what happened.

You said it yourself last time, Charlie-Bear:”


’Chucky If Chucky Was Just A Harmless Wooden Doll’ Said:I’ll always be behind you, chasing you, trying to gun you down.

“Always and forever, Stan. Keep fucking running. But uh… you’re a fat fuck so you ain’t ever gonna keep up.

Is that low hanging fruit? You’re goddamn right! Go back and catch my shit against Doc to see how much I like dem apples. Not that you’ve ever eaten an apple unless its baked in a fucking pastry.

You fat fuck.

Shit… I should’ve worked that into the ‘eating cake’ bit earlier too…

But fuck it. Look at what’s happening, Chucky-Cheese! Look how fucking easy it is for me to slide in and out of references I made a few minutes ago on the cake front, to a month ago with the quoting of you, and then on to nine months ago with that Doc shit. It’s almost like this is all one big master plan!

Well… it is. But not that part.

Let me drag it on back to nearly a year ago this time to help you figure it out. I told Chris Chaos how stupid it was to talk about my looks, but I still don’t feel like an idiot when doing the same damn thing to you! Because that ain’t all I’m bringing to the table, is it? Nah. I’m the guy who poofs back into existence and gives four motherfuckers their first losses of the year just by being me. Weren’t you one of them? The rest is just the icing on the cake. The fucking dump I’m taking on your chest after you’ve already punched yourself out.

And yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m being selective with the quote. Mostly ‘cause it’s fucking fun! But also because I ain’t into playing the old Aidan Collins, Drake Komodo, and James Raven game and pulling out the Quote Crusher. After all, I’ve already crushed ya on that, haven’t I? But for completeness and context, the next line you spewed was something about the inferno not protecting me from you, and do we really need to talk about how that fucking went? I think you forgot to protect yourself, dumb-dumb.

And now look where are we at?! What’s the fucking score? One all? Get the fuck outta here with that shit. You tried to harvest seeds planted fourteen months ago and grew… nothing. So let’s fucking talk about it, bud. Let’s talk about you taking the Heavymetalweight Championship from me. Let’s talk about how you said you did it without any tricks. Yep, that’s right, folks. Charlie Nickles won a championship literally about using tricks and tried to say that he did it without any. It’s so fucking moronic I can’t even wrap my head around it.

But what happened next, Charles?

The Freestyle Championship is what. And boy, if we’re gonna get into that… well that’ll just lead us back to you bitching out when I set a date for us to tango, and that’s just going to end with you dodging ownership of that for another two fucking weeks. It really doesn’t end well for you.

Who said I was ‘unbeaten’, my guy? Was it me when I regularly point out that James Raven, Thaddeus Duke, Lycana, and Jim Caedus all had points on the board against me? That’s one of the words you attributed to me last time though, so I would’ve thought you were acting like it was coming from me. If someone else said it… uh… you know that doesn’t make me look like an idiot, right? It does, however, make you look like a fool and that you just might’ve made that shut up to try and build up to your supposed ‘zinger’.

Who said I was ‘unpinned’, either? Me when we went back and forth over the Freestyle? Yep… sure did. Whoops! I’m sure you all thought you knew where I was going with that, but there I go again undercutting my own argument again. HA!”


That better pay off…

“It’s such a shame, Char-Char, that you went and accepted my version of those events as fact almost straight away afterwards. Must’ve forgot those seeds you had sown, eh? And since then? Dolly Waters pinned me to win the Freestyle Championship in some trip-hoppy shitfuckery of a dreamstate. Vinnie Lane was even there to confirm it! Let’s take it a step further: BUFFY THE FUCKING VAMPIRE SLAYER pinned me to take the Freestyle Championship too! I’ve never hidden any of that. Shit, that Dolly one was picked up as part of my own shit being put out there, man! Sounds like if either of us is ‘uninformed’ - another of your buzzwords, it isn’t me. What it sounds even more like, is that you’re trying to equate all of that to what I have said, and what even you accepted back then - remember, you said you’d be game to make it a first after all! AFTER the Heavymetalweight exchange.

So what’d I say?

Well I put the context in, didn’t I?

You.

Me.

Face-to-face.

One-on-one.

Ending with my shoulders on the mat.

And THAT, Charlie, is what NOBODY has ever been able to do against me.

Still game to make it a first? Only if you want to shit all over this notion you’re trying to project that we are in any way equals. I fucking beat you two months ago, dipshit. Fact: we ain’t equals.

But go on, son. Sing yourself your merry tune. You got any more goofy goons to send my way after Jim-Bob and Marf, while you’re at it? Boy it’d suck if you took the time to say how attacking me beforehand was gonna undercut the value of your win, eh? Which of course, you did. Of course, that didn’t stop you from doing the same against Raion Kido the first time. Either you were full of shit then, or it’s kind of feeling like you value getting a win over me more than you value Goldi, bud. Shit, why not both?

You used to be full of shit.

You still are, but you used to be, too.

Mitch Hedberg.

I get it though, man.

Because I am more valuable than Goldi, aren’t I?

It’s not like I’ve stopped being me, you know? And you haven’t stopped being you. How many times has a Charlie Nickles beat a Baddy Thaddy Duke? How many times has the Doctor operated on his fucking ass? What the fuck do you have to bring to the table here? Defences against Michael Graves? Ruby? Centurion? And those are the good ones! Wanna line them up against who I defended The Universe against? And oh yeah, baby. I’m coasting off of shit that I did last year now. Because my dick’s that big, man!

Boom! Circled back around to it!

But let’s fucking talk about it! While we’re at it, let’s bring that treetrunk cock of mine back to the present and fucking talk about how I can disappear to who knows where (I sure don’t!) for two months, come back and be the same as I ever was. Let’s do the recent list! When did Charlie Nickles beat Unknown Soldier? Fucking never. When did Charlie Nickles beat Peter Vaughn? Motherfucker’s been handing out title shots to people like Reggie fucking Estrada but not Vaughny, eh? So much for wanting to show you’re the boss fight! So what if Vaughn doesn’t compete on Savage - I didn’t even fucking know Cage Coleman still went to school here, for crying out loud! Shit, let’s keep the party going! When did Charlie Nickles beat Mark Flynn? I actually don’t even know if he has or not but if he has, again… no concern AT ALL about how that might come back on me! That’s a fucking pattern here, Charles. I can give you fifteen fucking ‘ins’ in this shit, and I ain’t gotta worry about a single bit of blowback from ya! ‘Cause look what happened last time! Charlie Nickles’s big ace up his sleeve! His big ‘gotcha’ fucking moment!

And it sucked worse than Thrax did.

Come to think about it, while I’m measuring this here hog against these records (and breaking records while doing it, hey-ooo!), how many times has Charlie Nickles ‘beaten’ Charlie Nickes?

Only every time he steps to the Bastard-Tamer; the fucking World-Beater; the Master of the goddamn Universe.

Slow down, boo-boo. You’re gonna rip the fucking skin off it!

In two months I can run through five of you fuckers. In another two, I just go for the double. It doesn’t fucking matter though. It only ever turns out one way. This is the same as it ever was. And Charlie, you’re the same as you ever were.

You remember that shit? All this fucking hype about how there was a new day coming and what? Where is it? One year ago THIS became reality. I became reality. I became the fucking Universe personified! I hear it in my head, yeah? I think therefore I am. And there I go butchering Descartes like he’s Charlie Nickles’ career. But since I became everything I am, there has been no question, no looking back, and no fucking change! Be it Caedus or Vaughn, they fucking knew that they weren’t shit as long as I was breathing. And rest a-fucking-ssured, Charlie Bear, you’re not any better.

Ego. Cocky. What-the-fuck-ever. It’s ALIAS at the end of the day, doing ALIAS things. A-K-A, fucking wrecking everyone. And I’m proving a point in this, Charlie. How many openings have I left for you to get your fucking shot in so far? Plenty! On purpose. Because when I shut this shit on you, buddy, I’m doing it for good. That’s the method I’m playing with, pointing out some of these contradictions and DOING YOUR JOB FOR YOU. Because I ain’t murdering your life, just your fucking reputation.

Against me, and against Flynn and NK too, you went all in. And you failed. Everything you said wasn’t just tossed out with the trash, it was set on fucking fire. So how the hell is anybody supposed to take what you’re gonna say this time any differently? What’s different, cock-hole? We’ve been through this. You’re still you. Be it Charlie Nickles, Demos, Thrax, or Dimes, you’re still you. Shit, you could be Charlie Dollar or Charle Billion; you could be Charle Bitcoin or Charlie Barncoin… you’re still you.

And I’m still ALIAS.

Last time you said I was trying to tell a yarn about how people like you don’t beat people like me.

You’re goddamn right they don’t.

Captains who get eliminated before anybody else on their team don’t beat a fucking War-Winner.

Losers who cost their team the Tag Team Championship don’t beat a fucking World-Eater.

A ‘TV God’ doesn’t beat a fucking God-Killer.

Shit, I’ve never lost on Savage before, bud. Or Warfare. Or Anarchy. Or fourteen years ago on Impact. If you’re a ‘TV God’, what does that make me?

Come on, we both know the answer.

I am ALIAS.

And yep, there’s another avenue for you to take, bud. We aren’t competing on one of those shows are we? We’re on pay per view! So go on, cunt! Take your shots at it! I’m leaving it all out there for you, and practically begging you to do it! I double dog dare ya!

‘Cause the next sentence is a lie.

The previous sentence was the truth.

Do you get it?

I can run circles around you all goddamn day. I can lean into this image you put on me of some egomaniacal asshole who thinks he’s better than everyone else and compared to you I still come off smelling like roses. I can literally say one thing, get called out on it by your new fuck-buddy Marf’s previous pegger Lycana, and it still doesn’t stick.

Because I back it up.

Every single time, I back it up.

And you’ve proven that when it comes to you and I… you can’t.

At least they spelled your name right on the website this time. Maybe you should hope that you can spell at all when we’re done here.”

Do you have a light?

[Image: 7qdASxF.jpg]
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