All that bullshit aside, we welcome you back to your regularly scheduled BastardNET programming.



Technicolor be damned.

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW LASER DEATH SEQUENCE

We open in the Bobby Bourbon Dojo for the Competitive Arts. Folks are practicing their arm drags, eating cronuts, smoking entire beef roasts while making a fabulous bernaise, and a bunch of folks playing in the arcade. We see Bobby Bourbon standing with his dog in the middle of all of this. People are fawning over the pretty Rottweiler. Diamondback, the man who can blend into any crowd, and Cyberjaw, the man with the cybernetic jaw, approach.

Hey bro.

I got that thing you wanted.

The quantum distortion array?

No.

Cyberjaw hands Bobby a cup of coffee.

There's no quantum distortion array yet. We're working on it, even though we aren't sure what it does.

Neither do I, that's what I need you to figure out.

Bobby sips his coffee.

Perfect.

Just how you like it, with two cubes of beef bouillon.

Bobby blinks slowly, taking in a whiff of his coffee au jus.

Keto.

Suddenly, the power goes out. In a second, floodlights go up, illuminating the entire building, quelling the sudden shrieks that occur with public sudden darkness.

Damn it.

Cyberjaw raises his phone closer to his face.

It says the power is out.

Damn. Well, I'm going to go start the generators then.

Bobby and his dog walk the length of the dojo and through a door that reads "Employees Only", into a hallway.

You're a good girl!

The Rotty's stub tail wags. Bobby and his dog exit the dojo and head outside. The dog goes and starts to pee.

Good girl.

Bobby walks over to a massive shed with signage warning of high voltage.

You stay here, I'm going to start the generator.

Bobby opens the door, but the dog runs inside. Bobby looks at 4 unopened generators and a barrel of gasoline.

Damn it, nobody put these together?

Suddenly, the wind is deafening. Bobby’s dog barks. Bobby looks out a window in his shed and sees a tornado approaching!

Shit!

Bobby sits down on the ground. His dog approaches.

We just take cover and hope it passes.

Bobby hunkers down with his dog. As he does this, there’s a massive rumble and the entire shed is lifted into the air with the tornado. Bobby looks out of the window. He sees a guy in a kayak just rowing away, like tornado kayaking is a thing now. Bobby sees a cow fly past by. He then sees a witch on a broom. Suddenly, the shed lands hard somewhere. Bobby stands up and walks toward the door of the shed. He opens the door and steps out, seeing a very gaudy village for dwarves and little people. Bobby looks around as all the little people stare back at him.

The fuck is all this?

Bobby walks around his shed, inspecting it. He sees a pair of legs sticking out from under it, motionless.

Oh, fuck.

Bobby turns around. He sees a bunch of little people looking in awe.

I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to crush your friend or whoever.

The little people start to cheer.

Oh, well, hello then! Who was that?

Bobby walks around and leans over the protruding legs, noticing a pair of fresh red Jordans, just his size. Bobby looks down at his own feet, clad in a pair of slippers.

Well, waste not, want not. Thanks pal!

As Bobby says this, Dolly Waters appears from a bubble, dressed in a flashy as fuck sparkly blue gown and wearing a tiara.

Yeah, you better take those shoes. You’re going to be doing a lot of walking.

Dolly?

Who else the fuck do you think it is?

Where are we?

Well, the Wizard went a little wild and did something.

The Wizard? You mean that guy from like a year-and-a-half ago?

I don’t know who you’re talking about.

Look, there was…

That’s not important. Just take the dead guy’s shoes and listen to these little people.

Mini Morbid, The Muscle Midget, and Shorty the Shocker walk forward as some bright music starts playing.

🎵🎶
We represent
The Lollipop Guild
The Lollipop Guild
The Lollipop Guild
We represent
The Lollipop Guild
And welcome you to Munchkinland!
🎶🎵

Bobby and Dolly both look absolutely baffled at the minis and their singing.

What the fuck are you coming up with around here?

Look, you want original songs?

That would be better.

Bobby looks dead at the camera.

Okay.

What are you looking at?

Dolly looks at Bobby as though he just farted an entire manatee. Bobby looks back at Dolly.

Nothing.

Bobby goes and bends over the legs protruding from his shed and makes this murder a robbery too. He puts the fresh sneakers on.

Woah, I’ve never worn Jordans before.

Comfy?

I, uh, guess.

As Bobby says this, Vhodka Marie appears in puff of green smoke!

What are you doing?

Bobby points at Dolly.

She and the people here said it was cool if I had the shoes! What are you doing here?

Well, shit’s been boring as fuck since FightNYC got shut down.

So you want the shoes?

I want the shoes.

You can’t have the shoes.

Vhodka rolls her eyes. Dolly laughs.

I’ll get those Jordans!

Vhodka Marie disappears in a poof of green smoke.

Shit, so, where’s the wizard, this is getting dumb and I gotta get those generators in my, fuck, I hope the generators aren’t broken.

They probably are. But that’s okay.

Bobby looks less than pleased.

Those weren’t cheap generators.

Well, Bobby, you just walk down this Yellow Brick Road, you’ll find the rest of the Bastards along the way. They’ll help you get this all sorted out.

What are you going to do?

Dolly shrugs.

I dunno, this is your promo, nobody cares what I do.

Dolly does a hand stand.

I see your point. Later.

Bobby starts walking down the Yellow Brick Road, his dog following him, having pooped on it while Dolly and he had their exchange.


Tired of cheap generators?

We see a woman failing to start a generator before throwing up her hands in frustration.

We know the problem. That’s why we have found you the finest new emergency power solution ever.

We see hamsters. Hamsters eating, hamsters sleeping, hamsters playing. Hamsters working in a wheel, powering a generator. Hamsters driving busses. Hamsters owning restaurants. Hamsters performing surgery. Hamsters doing construction. Hamsters on their phone. Hamsters living. Hamsters learning. Hamsters loving. An entire hamster society set up to have a completely renewable energy source where some of them work as wheelrunners. It’s their pop culture, it’s kinda cute.

Invest in Eastern Hamster Farms!


Bobby is seen walking with his dog when they pass by a huge farm growing lots of corn. It’s nice to know that whatever the wizard has done to bring Bobby to this strange place, they at least are growing corn.

When we get home I’ll give you a nice treat.

The dog wags her little stub. With that, she growls loudly as Charlie Nickles hops out of the corn.

Gimme your wallet!

The dog barks.

Charlie? What the fuck, chill, you’re freaking my dog out.

Bobby? Fuck, what’re you doing here?

Well, a tornado happened, it killed some dude with my shed while breaking all my generators, and I intend to see the fucker responsible.

The dog sits. Charlie comes up and gives her a petting. The dog looks pleased.

I’m looking for the wizard too.

Did he ruin your shed too?

Nah, but I need a bath.

Yes. Yes you do.

Charlie stands up as cheery music starts to play.


🎵🎶
I could go out into crowds
Not smellin' like fart clouds
And score much better dope (dee-doot dee-doodle-oo)
I'd be clean as a whistle
Avoiding public dismissal
If I only had some soap
I could go and get a drink
Without being a stink
And maybe some boobies I could grope (dee-doot dee-doodle-oo)
I'd be neat and tidy
With a hooker in a nighty
If I only had some soap
Oh, I, could get some play
Maybe even be a pimp
But right now instead
I'm just a simp
So I beat my dick
until its sad and limp
But for now I'll just stay crass
Smelling like a rancid ass
For my hygiene has no hope (dee-doot dee-doodle-oo)
I'll never land a cutie
Just because I smell like booty
If I only had some soap
🎶🎵

Bobby looks plum surprised by this.

That, well, was very unexpected.

What?

The whole song and dance. Welp, let’s get to walking.

Charlie comes up and laces his arm through Bobby’s, hooking each other at the elbows. Bobby removes his arm.

No.

Charlie looks sad.

We're not doing that and skipping.

I tried to keep it authentic.

Fair. But no.

Bobby and Charlie start walking down the yellow brick road, Bobby’s dog along with them, pleased to be on a nice walk. They enter a forest, and come into a clearing. There’s a little cabin, a tree cut down, and off in the distance we see a person hanging in a tree. We also see Thunder Knuckles, staring off at the hanging body.

I, well, is that even real or did someone just paint it that way?

Both Bobby and TK look at Charlie. Charlie shakes his head.

I didn’t murder someone by hanging in this promo.


Is he saying that instead of oil can?

Bobby nods.

Look, find him some beer, he can’t do promos sober.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Bobby walks into the cabin and walks out with a Bud Light tall boy. He tosses it and TK catches it, no look, while smirking at Charlie. TK pulls out a knife and stabs a hole in the can, then shotguns all 24 ounces. He belches. Some cheery music starts playing.

🎵🎶
🎶🎵

Bobby and Charlie are smirking back at TK.


TK kicks a tree, then pets Bobby’s dog. The three men continue down the yellow brick road.

You going to talk to the wizard about Xbux while I try to get some soap and Bobby gets his generators fixed?

TK looks frustrated that he’s confused.

TK and Bobby exchange a no look fistbump while Charlie and TK exchange a no look fistbump.


We see a jolly and rollicking backyard barbecue. The grill is going with a man you almost instinctively want to call Dave flipping burgers, his big apron that says “Dave” on it in bright gold against black showcasing his Daveness. A man approaches Dave, they exchange a hand grasping hand shake, and the man speaks.

Great party Dave, but we’re out of beer!

Oh, that’s no big deal.

Twangy as hell southern style rock starts playing. We see Thunder Knuckles crash through the fence in the Bastard Monster Truck. Dave looks all too happy to see his fence destroyed, maybe it was his neighbors? TK hollers from the driver’s side window.


TK hops down from the truck holding a keg of Bud Light Platinum.


TK throws the keg into Dave’s beautiful above ground pool, and the 21-and-up only crowd within is ecstatic as the entire pool goes gold, turning into Bud Light Platinum.

Fuck yeah, that’s Jesus powers, he turned the water into wine, the Bastard turned the water into beer!

ZZ Top climbs out of the Bastard Monster Truck. Joe Montana steps out of the Bastard Monster Truck. Tom Brady climbs out of the Bastard Monster Truck. They all have cans of Bud Light Platinum. Kelly Cuoco steps out of the Bastard Monster Truck. Lady Gaga steps out of the Bastard Monster Truck. Peter Dinklage steps out of the Bastard Monster Truck. Pete Davidson steps out of the Bastard Monster Truck. The Bastard Monster Truck is a stretch Humvee Limo on monster truck wheels. They all had cans of Bud Light Platinum too.


Bobby, TK, and Charlie walk into a dark part of the forest, where they hear snoring.

What’s that?

Someone is taking a nap.


The Bastards walk forward, and see, sprawled out on the yellow brick road, using a loose yellow brick as a tiny little pillow, Marf. TK picks up a stick and pokes him with it.


Bro, what’re you doing here just sleeping on the ground?

Cutting a promo.

Stop. Stop that.

Okay. Anyway, you guys hear about a wizard that brought us all here?

Yeah, we’re going to him right now, I need him to get my damn shed back home and replace my generators.

Why do you have multiple generators?

I’ll never have enough power.

Fair.

Marf hasn’t gotten up. He’s still on the ground with his head against a brick. Cheery music starts to play.


🎵🎶
So here's what I am hopin'
Just to keep my eyes open
That would be awfully keen (dee-doot dee-doodle-oo)
I would avoid the snooze
And thus avoid to lose
If I only had caffeine
I would avoid being boring
You wouldn't hear me snoring
I'd be fighting fit and mean (dee-doot dee-doodle-oo)
My career would be cake
And I would be wide awake
If I only had caffeine
Then, I, would look around
My attention well alert.
I would all of my
opponents hurt
And my will, I would assert!
But for now I'm kinda tired
Wishing that I was more wired
Ready to steal the scene (dee-doot dee-doodle-oo)
I'd be an energetic fellow
Brighter than lemon yellow…

Zzzzzzz...


This man did.

Wake him up, the poppy scene is next, he can nap then.

TK pokes Marf with a stick.


🎵🎶
If I only had caffeine!

Marf stands up. TK turns and takes a piss on the set. Charlie is ogling Goldi.


Those are ficus.

TK finishes and zips up. He turns, and The Bastards continue to walk down the yellow brick road. Along the way they find a flower patch and decide to just take a nap in it. As they do, a shitload of flying monkeys appear and snatch them all, taking them off to some dreary castle. After their arrival, they wake up.

Fuck, is this the wizard’s castle or some shit?

How did we get here?

Vhodka Marie walks in.

Look, I want the fucking shoes. I’ll give you a hundred bucks, even though you’ve been walking around in them without socks.

No.

Damn it, give the the fucking shoes!

Look, go get some other shoes.

No, that would defeat the entire plot so far!

She’s half right.

What plot?

Bobby uses the distraction to throw water at Vhodka Marie.

Hahaha, water fight, yay, it’s fun!

We see an array of water guns, water balloons, and super soakers on the ground too. Everybody picks up their weapon of choice and starts blasting away. Suddenly, Vhodka Marie catches a view of her face in a window.

Oh no, my make-up!

IT’S RUNNING! I’M MELTING! I’M MELTING!

Vhodka runs out of the room.

Well, that was a good bit of fun, but now how do we get back to the yellow brick road?

Charlie looks out a window.

Uh, it’s right here. It looks like the flying monkeys only moved us about fifty yards from where we decided to take a nap.

That’s really convenient.

The four Bastards leave the room, descending a flight of stairs and walking through a door outside. They keep walking for just a bit before coming to a massive Emerald City. Bobby’s dog yawns since she’s still kinda sleepy. Bobby and the rest of the Bastards walk up to the massive gate of the city. Bobby knocks. A little slotted peep hole opens and we see Jason Cashe.

What do you want?

What are you doing here?

The wizard told me to stand here and not let anybody in.

What? Why?

I dunno.

So, look, we need to get in there.

We do.

But we didn’t see one, maybe you guys have a 7-11?

Nah, bud, no 7-11, and you guys can’t come in. Not nobody, not no how.

Is that a quadruple negative?

I think.

So you can let us in.

Okay.

Cashe opens the gate to the Emerald City, exchanging daps with the Bastards as they walk through. Charlie and Marf look around, flabbergasted there wasn’t a convenience store in sight to procure soap and an energy drink. Bobby leads them all as they stop off at a spa.


Getting a make-over, it’s like one of the biggest things that happens.

A horse that keeps changing colors walks by. Bobby’s dog barks at it.

Yeah and I needed to wash up anyways, it’s why I came along.


You’re right.

Bobby nods along with TK.

When you’re right, you’re right, and he’s right. Let’s keep going and see that wizard.

You wash with Lava soap like a champion.

The Bastards skip the entire makeover scene and just go straight to the Wizard’s hall. The four walk in and we see Barney Green.

What do you want?

Did you cause a tornado that fucked up my shed?

I did! I do what I want because…

Bobby’s dog scampers off and sticks her snoot in through a green curtain.

No, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!

Bobby’s dog is excited to see Big Money Oswald.

Ozzy!

Yeah, it’s me, I’m Oz.

Well, okay, glad to know it.

Sorry about your shed, I’ll replace it.

I know you’re good for it. Don’t forget the generators.

Here, Charlie, here’s a twelve pack of Irish Spring. Marf, this is a Visa gift card, I could only find Rip It energy and you don’t want that. TK, here’s a bag of money.


TK grabs the bag of money. Ozzy tosses the soap to Charlie. Marf shrugs and accepts the Visa gift card.

Well, I have this hot air balloon.

Ozzy looks excited.

That’s why you did all this? To go ballooning?

Yes.

Well, okay.

Barney Green walks out, the final member of BOB. All six men get into the basket of the balloon. They release the sand bags. The balloon won’t move.

Damnit.

We’re too heavy.

I know.

Look, Ozzy, I appreciate it, why don’t you and Barney go for a ride, we’ll just take a portal.


Bobby smiles. Marf and Charlie look perplexed.

You guys ready to travel by portal?

Sure.

I guess.


Okay!

Ozzy and Barney drift off in a hot air balloon. As they do, a portal appears beside The Bastards.


Charlie snags TK’s bag of money and tosses it through the portal. TK dives after it. Charlie and Marf step through.

There’s no place like home.

Bobby steps through the portal. As he comes out, he’s standing in the gorilla position at an XWF live event. Marf and Charlie appear right behind him. TK comes through, catching his bag of money. He immediately turns his head and heaves all over the floor. XWF personnel and producers look on in shock.

Well, fellas, looks like I’m where I need to be, hold tight, this will only be a second.

Bobby looks back to the rest of the Bastards, then steps through the curtain as soon as his music hits. This is not his music.



Bobby walks down to the ring and enters, the crowd in attendance going bonkers for the Grand High PooBOB. He pulls out his signature microphone.

So, I figured I had a few things to say.

The crowd roars.

I am fucking Kong.

The crowd goes nuts at the proclaimation.

Not a wolf, not a pig, not some other bullshit you find in your box of animal crackers, the prime primate, and while the brass of the XWF wants to ship me around the globe as the greatest attraction they have ever had, the Big Bad Big Bad of Big Bads, the Sultan of Smacktalk Smacktalker Supreme, the Grand High PooBOB of the People, the man who would be king but no throne can hold me for the love of God on high, in the end, I own the XWF one opponent at a time, two at a time, three at a time, twenty-three thousand strong and growing. I go out and earn, with my blood, my sweat, and my tears, every goddamn thing I get in this industry. I can, and do, fuck up any fool with the gaul to enter the ring against me, with an arsenal unmatched and the sheer willpower to execute it in any manner far surpassing anyone, living or dead. That said, let’s discuss what I am not. I’m not some phony. I’m not some fool. The best y’all can say is what I do outside the ring doesn’t matter, and you know what? What I do outside the ring does not matter. I can go on a fucking car chase, recreate movies, beat the shit out of scumbags, and you better believe I beat the living fuck out of scumbags, tell a joke, drink Coca-Cola, eat lightning and shit thunder. The people, though, they know. They get it. They hold the strongest grasp of who and what I am, and that is their guy, their go-to, the creature they are banking on to bring the fucking wallop time in, time out, in ways so ugly it’s beautiful, your ass becoming artwork in the way I beat it. Masturbate, the lot of you, and that means you can go fuck yourselves, and do it right, just the way you like, with your favorite porn going, because after I get done you’ll be in so much fucking pain the thought of touching yourself to get that shred of undignified pleasure coursing through your body will elude you in hopes someone can come and wipe your asses.

Now, Vita, I know you’re in the match too, and I’ll get to you in just a minute, but real talk, this one goes out to you, Josh. We got a history, you and me. We were Motherfuckers back before it was cool, made it cool, and it didn’t stop being cool until I became a Bastard. Josh, we had each others backs how many times? How many times did we walk out to that ring and whoop some ass for the good ole’ U.S. of A? How many times did we go out there and challenge for the Tag Team Championships? How many times did you disappear? Once? Twice? I lost count myself! Josh, I relied on you. I considered you to be the only friend I had in this business for the longest time, and here’s the funny thing, I was just lonely. I didn’t actually reach out to anybody else, and wouldn’t you know it, I made actual, factual, real friends who won’t just ditch me on a fucking lark to go on some sabbatical. How many times, Josh, how many fucking times did I stand up for you while you were gone, vanished, leaving me stranded, high and dry, making excuses for you, telling everybody “hey, Pig’s a solid guy, he’s just got shit to do.” Now I get it, you want to be a wolf or whatever now, but that’s neither here nor there. You, Josh, aren’t an animal, no. Animals run in packs, herds, and other collectives together. I run with a pack, we’re Bastards, we are BOB, I am the Grand High PooBOB, and I have real friends who won’t just duck and fucking run at the drop of a hat with no fucking explaination. You, Josh, are a deserter, and you can tell us all what the fuck you were up to while you were gone one word after another for a lifetime, humor yourself all you want, because we all stopped caring long ago. Fuck, Josh, you even went and turned on me, not just a deserter but a traitorous scumbag, and I left you crumpled up in the shattered remains of the casket I Bobbybombed you through. You’re a stupid motherfucker; you should have stayed dead.

Instead you come back, no word to me, not even a single grace of consideration for the man who stood beside you for so fucking long, who stood up for you for so fucking long, who bled with you, and by God, kept bleeding after you up and flew the coop. I worked, I toiled, my hands raw, my legs almost failing me, my very fucking soul barely surviving, and kept on keeping on, and you want to know the real knee-slapper? Everybody says I carried TK to the Tag Team Championships, if that's the case and you're so great, how come we never won them? Because flat out, when I beat your brains back to animal crackers, you won’t be a pig, or a wolf, an orangutan, a zebra, or an elephant, no, everyone will see that you were the goddamn albatross around my neck for years, holding me back from grasping heights untold! I didn't just win the Tag Team Championships with TK, no, we broke the mold and made history by holding stereo championships in two entirely different companies. Maybe you heard back beneath whatever rock you crawled under the last time you dipped out. I beat fucking cancelation, coming back after being told I was too rowdy for the modern XWF audience to decimate the milquetoast and weak, culling the pussies like I was doling out sex change operations to double X chromosomal humans on hormone treatment sick of having their period. I went out and took over the XWF, body after body after body, to reject their crown and instead institute my own rulership unseen before, an autocracy usurped and autonomy preserved, the freedom for all, both freedom of choice and, when it comes to seeing me in the ring, freedom from choice. You aren't coming back to an XWF you recognize, you aren't seeing people you remember, because you don't know me and couldn't or wouldn't understand if it was presented by Muppets on PBS.

Bobby narrows his gaze, staring straight down the lens.

Joshua Schuler, this here be me calling you out, I’m gonna whoop that ass of yours, that’s what I’m talking about. I’m the welcoming committee, you switched to fangs from a snout, bring whatever you want in the world, I’m just bringing a knockout. You can come and showcase how you live without fear, how you train and you’re back to get back on with your career. Nobody gave a flying fuck that you weren’t here and nobody will give a shit when you once again disappear. You’re stepping into something new to you and you’ll think it’s unreal, I got a fuck ton of power on top of the people’s appeal. My mask, did you see it while you were away, like f’real, nobody cares that it went away, watch me make a Wolf squeal. I’ll leave you beaten and battered face down on the floor, when you get back up you’re just getting even more, I’m sure you feel swell and all coming back through the front door but you’ll be gone again, I’m going to give you your XWF DD 214.

Bobby’s chest heaves as he finishes bellowing. He hasn’t blinked.

Now there’s the Wolfman dealt with, time for Frankenstein to deal with Dracula.

Bobby blinks, his breath deep and purposed through his nostrils.

I’m the Grand High PooBOB, not some regular player, you’re the living damned and you haven’t got a prayer. Been elected to whoop your ass, in that ring I’m the mayor, and on top of that, a motherfucking vampire slayer! I got the answer for every thing you do, I keep it within me, I didn’t choose this life, this life it has chosen me. I’m the biggest show in town, you’ll be steamrolled, you can’t unthrone me, I’m the Wednesday Night Wrecker, you’re just a cheap knockoff Bela Lugosi. You’re the Nightmare Before Christmas singing This is Halloween, a microgothic Hot Topic icon acting like she’s the queen. I’ll sling you to the mat, shit, you’re tiny, I’ll just make it a routine, vampirisim is a fucking disease and I’m the vaccine. Compared to me there’s no comparison to what I can do, I’m polished and fierce, to me your skills are doo-doo. There’s one thing I gotta say, though, that’s right about you. You were a better partner than War Pig, and that’s completely true.

Bobby turns around looking at the audience, which is in a fervor.

That bitch was a pure duffel bag, just easier to carry to a win.

*BOBBY!*BOBBY!*BOBBY!*BOBBY!*BOBBY!*BOBBY!*BOBBY!*

You’ve had quite the impressive year, Vita. You’ve been here, day in, day out, fighting on every little show you could, and we’re all thankful for the effort we put in, but damn, thank me for selling the tickets to those shows because people came to see the Bastard’s work done in the ring. The biggest story of the year is how Bobby Bourbon came back from the void to the top, nobody’s going to remember that you’re even in this match, because if you nose your way into what I gotta settle, which you will have to, I will turn you into fucking dust. A fucking Roomba will be able to clean up your remains besides all the fucking blood stains. I get it, the more I make people bleed, the easier you think you’ll have it, but no. Vita, let me ask you a really, really simple question. How do you kill a vampire? Is it holy water? Sure, I guess. Is it a stake through the heart? Maybe. Sunlight, garlic, whatever else the fuck there is? Could be. I don’t care. I don’t gotta kill you Vita, I gotta break your shoulders so they stay flat on the mat. Nothing in the rule book says anything about just breaking your body, time and again, you can be immortal but just the world’s oldest vegetable. The comatose vampire, put to rest and out to slumber with a shattered pelvis. And Vita, I mean no disrespect here, you’re a wonderful friend, but I know damn well you’d be embarrassed if I didn’t come out and give you the fight of a fucking lifetime, which is what I bring into the ring every single time. I’m sure we’ll do sandwiches at some deli we find in the next town or something, it’ll be nice, my treat. I’m going to do whatever I have to, to you, and by the end of the night I hope you can still walk.

Bobby shrugs.

Shame about that Supercontinental Championship evading you, though. I mean, I really feel like I should accept some of the blame, the reason you never beat Corey for it was because I wasn’t around to beat Corey for it first. Imagine your career, what could have been, if you were successfully chasing other titles around here instead of wasting your, and the fans’, time in the ring by choking like Corey’s too spicy for you to handle. I’da crumpled dude up like yesterday’s Starbucks cup. Instead he's off into the sunset, pulling a Schuler, so he can come back later and act like a savior or just tease Thad. Or Dolly. Their love triangle was weird. Anyhow, it was very kind of you to be a doormat for him to walk all over on his exit.

The crowd goes "oooooh" to that one.

XWF Universe, I'll see you later.

Bobby's music plays as he walks back up the ramp.