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X-treme Wrestling Federation BOARDS »   » Archives » "Savage Saturday Night" RP Board
Where In the World Are All of Coleman's Matches?
Author Message
Cage Coleman Offline
Registered but either hasn't added self to a roster yet or doesn't RP

XWF FanBase:

(gets varying reactions in the arenas, but will be worshiped like a god and defended until the end by internet fans; literally has thousands of online dorks logging on to complain anytime they lose a match or don't get pushed right)

05-13-2022, 06:59 PM

The theme song to "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" plays, with all instances of the titular character's name replaced with the words "all of Coleman's matches." In addition, all uses of the words 'she' and 'her' have been dubbed over with "he"s and "him"s. As the acapella plays, we get various shots of Cage Coleman in different situations around the globe.

The first one shows him in Saudi Arabia, arm wrestling a man whose resemblance to Bluto was uncanny. After defeating the man, literally, handedly, the real life version of Jafar's palace guards pulls out a scimitar and slashes at Coleman's head. Cage barely ducks under it, with the tip of the sword just barely grazing the tips of his hair, before fleeing with all of the oaf's rupees.

We then get a glimpse of Coleman in Japan, competing against a vibrator in one of his most infamous matches. He holds onto the toy as it quivers in his hands, sending him flying around the ring in an overexaggerated manner. This causes him to fly towards one of the corners, where he smashes his face against the top turnbuckle before running for another one and doing it, again. He repeats this two more times, collapsing to the mat after the fourth one with the vibrator placed conveniently on his chest. The referee counts to three before grabbing hold of the sex toy and holding it in the air, victoriously.

The third and final clip shows Cage Coleman south of the border, rounding up legal Mexicans and handing them over to border patrol. Upon doing so, Coleman proudly turns and struts away as the agents release the prisoners back into society, unbeknownst to the former Xtreme Champion.

The short montage ends with a wide shot of Cage Coleman standing in the Egyptian desert, the Great Pyramids in the background behind him. The camera zooms in on Coleman, who walks along the sand with his hands in his pockets.

"Good evening, I'm Cage Coleman," he begins, ignorant to the fact it was actually morning there in Giza. "By now, most of you have heard the horrible accusations made against me and my credibility."

"I've never won a Championship."

"My matches don't exist."

"My dick's not as big as I claim it is."

"The laundry list of lies stretches further than those against our one true leader........... and I don't mean Joe Biden! But, much like the REAL President, Donald J. Trump, I am here to expose the liberals for the liars, and tricksters, they are, and have always been!"

Cut to Cage Coleman inside the attic of an old house. On each side of the room sits rows upon rows of old school video tapes inside an abundance of clear, plastic storage bins. He walks backwards between them with outstretched arms.

"WELCOME!" Cage boasts like a magician greeting an audience to his show. "To the Library of Coleman!"

Flames shoot up from behind the former Xtreme Champion, catching the ceiling on fire. He doesn't notice at first but, once he does, he lets out a woman-like yelp and scrambles to find something to extinguish the blaze. Unable to find anything, Coleman can only watch helplessly as his precious cassette tapes begin to burn. From out of frame, we see the cameraman rush in with a bucket of water and toss it on the inferno, putting it out.

We get a quick *beep* as the scene adjusts to what transpired. Cage stands right where he was before the accident, a lone video tape in his hand from amongst the ashes.

"Well, folks, sometimes things happen beyond our control," Coleman, a man who thought it'd be a good idea to have pyrotechnics inside his poor ole mother's house, explained. "I was prepared to show the world ALL the evidence needed to lay those accusations against me to rest!" He holds his arm out and presents his burnt up evidence to the viewers. "But, alas, I cannot."

A sly Coleman holds his hand up to his face and begins to fake cry, though it sounds more like a laugh than anything else. "What a shame, too, because there were SOOOOOO many tapes!" Cage kicks around the dust of the destroyed VHS's. "Every single one of those was jam packed with non-stop Cage Coleman action!" Among the ashes we see a surviving label that reads 'CAGE'S SWEET 16', which Coleman slowly covers with his foot. "Non. Stop."

Next, we see Cage Coleman in his mother's living room, pushing the only remaining tape into the VCR. "This is the only one that made it," Coleman sighs. "It's a match I did for a little charity called the United Cripples of America!"

The video plays, showing a younger Cage Coleman in the ring with an old man in a wheelchair.

"Fun fact: that guy was a retired Marine; remember that as you're watching!"

Coleman toys with the veteran for a minute, sneaking behind him and pushing his chair around in circles as the audience boos."

"It was a very handi-capable crowd that night."

The man tries swinging behind him, but Cage dodges the strike, causing his opponent to fall out of his wheelchair."

"Ooooooooo, this is where it gets good!"

Cage Coleman picks the man's wheelchair up and throws it over the top rope, receiving even more heat as it crashes, and smashes, against the ground. He then turns around and goes to pick his opponent up, only for him to roll Coleman up for a surprise pin!




Current day Cage turns off the video in a hurry, conveniently RIGHT before the ref's hand hits the mat for a third time.

"OOOPS!!!!" he exclaims, acting as though it were an accident. "Oh well, the ending's not important," he declares, before mumbling to himself. "Though I could've sworn that one ended differently.............."

He tosses the tape aside, a complete change of attitude. "No matter! The Library of Coleman's not the only place that houses........... err, housed my legendary matches!"

Before the camera can cut away, we see the front door open up as Cage Coleman's distraught mother hobbles in. "What the fuck did you do to my roof?!"


All of a sudden, we're inside a Japanese dojo, catching a glimpse of it's inhabitants wrestling among six different rings, three on each side of the building. Cage walks between the various squared circles, his hands behind his back as he checks out their technique.

"Tokyo, Japan," Coleman introduces. "Or 'Nihon' as the Japanese call it." He attempts to sound smart before continuing the whole educational television act he'd been doing from the beginning. "Home to some of the greatest wrestlers on the planet including, at one time, Cage Coleman!"

Now we see a very old, VERY Asian man in a fancy suit, sitting at a desk across from Coleman. Before either of them speak, we get a voice over from none other than Cage Coleman explaining who he is.

"Takahito Yamazaki, the man who booked Cage Coleman for most of his run in Japan."

"Mr. Yamazaki............."

"That's Yamazaki-san to you!" he bellows with offense.

"Sorry," Coleman apologizes. "Mr. Yamazaki-san," Takahito rolls his eyes, but it doesn't phase Cage whatsoever. "Isn't it true that I, Cage Coleman, have competed in over THREE HUNDRED matches for your JPW promotion?"

"Hai!" Yamazaki-san responds with conviction.

"That means yes for those of you who don't speak Japanese," Cage whispers to the viewers at home before addressing his former promoter once more. "And isn't it ALSO true that those matches were usually the best ones of the night?"


"SEE?!" Coleman brags to the camera. "Told you!"

"If I remember right," Mr. Yamazaki adds in English. "You lost every single one of them."

The camera looks from the promoter to Cage, whose face is now bright red. "I don't think that's what happened."

"Oh, but it is!" Mr. Yamazaki contradicts, opening one of his desk drawers and pulling out an old newspaper clipping, which he presents to the camera. The headline reads CAGE COLEMAN LOSES HIS 300TH MATCH, VOWS NEVER TO WRESTLE IN JAPAN AGAIN!

"Son of a bitch.............."

"You don't remember that?" Takahito asks with confusion. "There was a lawsuit and everything! You threatened to take us for everything we had if I didn't keep quiet about your losing streak until after you signed your XWF contract!"

Cage Coleman's face was now buried in his hands. "I............ was............ drinking alot, and having problems in my home life!"

"You lived in a hotel."

"Yeah, well, the housekeeper wouldn't sleep with me and the continental breakfast wasn't my preferred continent, so there!"

"Get out!"

"YOU get out!!!" Coleman shouts back like a child, prompting Mr. Yamazaki to leap across the desk at him. Before we can see what happens, the camera cuts away right before the promoter can locked in a Rear-Naked Choke on his former employee.

We see Cage Coleman standing outside of XWF Headquarters, now donning a neckbrace, as well as a black eye. "There is ONE last place to search for all my Coleman Classics..........." Cage turns and holds his arms out towards the building, hurting his neck in the process. "AH! God dammit!"

We're now inside what appears to be a video library, with Cage Coleman leading us through the thousands of documented XWF matches from over the years. "Here we will find everything I've done since entering the league of Xtreme. My debut against Mark Flynn, Tag Team Champion. My series of matches against Reggie Estrada, each one better than the last. The three matches in ONE NIGHT where the only one I lost, I actually WON because it was my move that dealt the finishing blow! That time I made Bam Miller look like a bitch, killing ALL his momentum and relegating him to just another name on the roster. Pretty sure I won a Title, too."

Coleman, ever the jokester(or was it Trumper?), conveniently leaves out his loss at Fire & Ice, instead addressing his Savage opponent directly.

"It's funny, Charlie, YOU claim that I claim to have done all this stuff in the business that you can't seem to find. But if you open your eyes, and that puny little brain of yours, you'll see it is YOU spreading the alternative facts."

"I NEVER claimed to win Championships in Japan, or anywhere for that matter! What I DID say was that I've had classic matches around the world. I never said they were for Titles, nor did I ever claim to actually win them."

"Charlie, believe it or not, we are ENTERTAINERS just as much as we are wrestler. Why else would we film these whacky promos we do? It's not like they have ANY impact on the matches themselves, nor do they decide the outcome. I would think the Television Champion of all people would know that! Sometimes winding up on your back in impressive fashion can be a. igger boost than winning decisively. And I've made a career out of being a loser people will pay to see, just like you."

"But all that changes Saturday night.............. at least for me. You want a piece of ALIAS when you're competing against the Ring Masters and Terry Bordens of the world?! You bring shame to that belt, Charlie Nickles, a belt you claim to love! Whatever happened to the wrestling? Somewhere the X overtook the W, leaving me to wonder 'what the F?' You know you can't beat me, or anyone else for that matter, in a one on one WRESTLING match. Instead you hide behind easy opponents, and stipulations that cater to your strengths in order to hold onto something that's already dead. Goldy doesn't love you, Charlie, she despises you for making a mockery of her! You fear losing her so much, you don't even realize you're pushing her away with your pathetic attempts to protect her."

"But don't worry, Goldy, I intend to rescue you. Not only that, I also plan on restoring your honor by defending you in the most purest of matches! No more pissing away XWF's nonexistent budget for matches NOBODY asked for! Light tubes. Last Blood. 3 Ring Circus. God, could you have been ANY lazier on that one?! You're the definition of a garbage wrestler, Charlie, hell, you're the definition of garbage! Trash wrestler, trash father, trash human being, you felate yourself to your own ego, tricking yourself into believing your reigns as TV Champion have been legendary. But they haven't been, at least not in a positive manner. Sure, they're long, but anybody can hold onto a Title when they're taking nights off, or competing in Tag Team matches! Let alone the fact that, when you DO defend your Championship, you essentially challenge soccer players to basketball games. I know they call it the Champion's advantage, but the advantage of that is you don't HAVE to take advantage of it at all!"

"But here's the thing: you're not doing yourself any favors; not this time, at least. Because I DID compete in Japan, and I HAVE been in Deathmatches, whether you've seen them or not! And I learned, Charlie. Through each and every loss, with every drop of blood, sweat, and tears shed I gained further knowledge of how to improve for next time. And I did. Again, and again. The next man to step into the ring with me stood less of a chance than the last one. Eventually, people started to ACTUALLY believe I could pull it off! I began to believe! And now I'm at this point where there's nothing left to do BUT win!"

"If you want hardcore, you're gonna GET hardcore! I'm a former Xtreme Champion for a reason, Charlie; a belt MUCH higher on the totem pole than yours! But that can change, it WILL change, come Savage; once Goldy's back in better, more capable hands. And when that happens, the first thing I'm gonna do is rub my nuts all over her plate. Remember what they say, Charlie, if you love someone, set them free; and, Saturday night, Goldy's finally gonna be free....................."

The camera cuts away from Cage, but it doesn't stop rolling. Instead, we're treated to a short clip from a surviving tape Mrs. Coleman stored in her son's high school trophy case downstairs, instead of the attic.................

Grainy footage plays of an 18 year old Cage Coleman wrestling at a local gym in front of barely twenty people. His opponent looks just as green as he does, but Cage is still miles ahead of him.

In the debut of what would go on to become one of The Traveler's trademark move combinations, Cage Coleman gets his opponent in position for a Reverse DDT, but instead grabs them by the tights and flips 'em backwards into a Stunner. With his opponent dazed, Coleman kips up and knocks his opponent into the corner with a Superkick. Their back hits the turnbuckles, sending them back into Cage's open arms, allowing him to hit a Belly to Back Suplex before doing a Standing Moonsault.

Rather than pin him, though, a confident Coleman gets up and lifts his foe up onto his shoulders, before connecting with his first ever Around the World! From there, he grabs hold of his opponent's leg for the cover.



The screen goes black.

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Charlie Nickles (05-13-2022), NorthKoreanWarCriminal (05-15-2022), Raion Kido (05-13-2022), Theo Pryce (06-01-2022)

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