Promo time, innit?? Marv Smegma of Madness fame has been called up to do some double duty on Anarchy, and is sort of excited, albeit barely, to introduce his next guest on the Anarchy pre-show. Yes, even this one has a pre-show. What the actual matches are, we couldn’t tell you. We’re not the booker! Still, anything pre-local-talent-battle-royal is probably not going to be of stellar quality.

”Ladies and gentlemen, introducing to you tonight on Anarchy, current Madness… star?... participant! Yes, participant… and joining the Anarchy battle royal… Molly Barnes!

There are a few unenthusiastic, lazy cheers from the audience who were also too lazy to go for their bathroom break as a plucky Molly hops onto the screen.


"Alrite, lads?? Marv, I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am for tonight, mate. Last Madness we also had a Battle Royal, and it still does me head in the way I got shafted! So when I heard about this opportunity, I thought to meself: gotta be in it, innit?"

”Yes, apparently. But it seems like you’re not alone, Molly. You’re with… Who exactly is she?”

Molly rolled her eyes.

"Oh, that’s me cousin Vicky, innit? Me nan made me take her to be perfectly honest. She’s a bit of a twat."

Vicky Barnes, clad in a pink Kappa suit and sporting a Croydon facelift for a hairdo, wandered into the image. She seemed none too impressed.


Marv frowned.

”Is she… competing also?”

"Nah mate, just here to watch. She couldn’t run a lap around the ring if she tried."

Vicky pulled up her nose, as she took offense to that. She started rattling off incomprehensibly.

”OOOOOOhmygodmollytellmeyoudidntsaythatcuzimwellgonnabegivingyoubeatingsyouslag! Ibeticouldwinthiswholethingevenifididnttrybutallthesepervsjustwannaseemeinmyunderwearsotheycanallhaveawanktonightcausetheirmissusaintdoingitforthemnomore! Itsjustlikeitoldcandaceyouknowcandaceshesthatslutfromroundtheparkbendanywayshetotallygivesouthandiesinthepublicbathroomssoyouknowsheswellgettinganstdsoonsoihopeshediessoicantakehercouncilflatthatshewassoluckytogetfromwelfare!”

”…I’m not surprised you’re related. Did you two grow up together by any chance?”

"Us? Nah, we only meet once or twice a year during family parties, innit? She’s from Saltford."

”Aren’t you also from there?”

Molly put her hands on her hips. Now she was the one who took offense.

"I’m from SaLford, mate! Salford Supernova, innit? She’s from SalTford, it’s near Bath."

”Saltzmann? He’s not here tonight.”

"Bath’s a place in Blighty, mate. Near Brissle, innit? In between Keynsham and Corston."

Vicky pushed Molly away and turned to Marv.

”Yeahbutnobutthiswholethinghappenedbecausesomethingornothingwhichidontevenknowanythingaboutcausenanajusttoldmetocomeherewithmollybutthisentireplacesmellslikethepoolfromsandrasdrainaftershequeefedinitsoshutup!!”

”I’m… not sure I foll-?”

”OOOOOhMyGodIsaidshutupsoSHUTUP! Isocantbelieveyoujustsaidthatcauseiamwellgonnabewinningthisstupidbattleroyaltonightanywaycausemollysjustastupidloserwhocouldntgetaproperfingerbangifherlifedependedonitcauseshesrubbish!”

"Alrite, Vicky, you’re bang out of order first of all! And secondly, what are you going on about, joining the Battle Royal? You’re not a wrestler, are ya? It’s booked up, mate, only way you’re getting in is if someone gives up their spot, and besides the only sport you’ve ever played is rugby and that only lasted a week cause you sold all the club’s balls for glue money!"

”OhmyGodididnthaveanythingtodowiththatorknownothingaboutthatsoshutupcauseidneversniffgluecauseitsfortwelveyearoldsthatssooutthere! Andicouldtakeyourplaceinthebattleroyalifiwantedtocauseallyoudoisloseanyways.

Molly got a bit more cross with her obnoxious cousin. Her cheeks flushed red, she leaned forward.

"Fine. You wanna be in the Battle Royal? Be in the Battle Royal! You can take my place! You’re well gonna get beatings!"

Molly turned around and marched off, while Marv stood there rather awkwardly with his microphone. Vicky looked at him and pulled up her nose.

”Wha’re you lookin’ at, PERV!!??

And she, too, went off into the night… with entirely undeserved confidence.

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//Word count: I honestly have no idea. I’m gambling it’s under 1k.