Quote:Flynn looks at NK with full-focus.

…

In a flash, he shifts his eyes twice up to the right corner of the room…

Where a security camera is.

NK almost turns his neck to look…

“NK!”

NK snaps to attention. Flynn’s gaze is blinding, it’s so intense.

“I’m going for a walk.”

Flynn puts on his jacket.

“I’ll be back shortly.”

And with that, Flynn cuts directly for the exit to the room…

…

Kato scratches his chin.

“Shall we do push-ups, then, sir?”

NK exhales loudly and flops onto his back. Briefly, kicking his feet fussily.

“I HATE PUSH-UPS!”

…

The door closes behind Flynn.

And with that, NK’s ears perk.

***

NK and Kato sit on opposite ends of Flynn’s desk.

Staring intently at what sits between them…

The hard drive.

The one from Louisville. The one that they set an arena on fire to obtain.

Flynn had just walked out the door… And NK revealed to Kato that he had it.

And now… there was a silent pondering between the two North Koreans.

“Commander.”

“Yes, Kato.”

“A question if I may?”

“At your leisure.”

“How did this valuable piece of evidence find itself in your possession?”

NK snickers mysteriously.

“I have my ways, Kato.”

Quote:NK is running out of the burning KFC Yum! Centre! FXW’s Yank E, the Northerner commentator who is effervescently polite and trying to hold the door to the exit open for other people trying to get outside.

Naturally, NK topples him over.

“IT’S EVERY TRUE KOREAN FOR HIMSELF!”

NK makes it outside and takes a deep breath of oxygen… If he could, he’d breathe up so much air so no one else could get any.

…After he confirms his safety, he looks down…

“What’s this on my shoe?”

“And those ways were NOT the hard drive getting stuck to my shoe as I ran out of the arena!”

…

“Well, Most impressive, Commander! …Which naturally flows into my next question. Why have you kept this from Coach Flynn? I believe he would most certainly treasure this data.”

NK’s face suddenly becomes somber.

“Indeed he would, Kato. HOWEVER!” NK sticks a finger into the air. “I fear giving Mark Flynn this data… may not serve OUR interests.”

Kato looks both ways and leans in closer.

“Commander, do you refer to the story Coach Flynn told you about his old student? The one he told he’d lead to a World championship, but instead utilized as a pawn to further his own selfish ends.”

“...What?”

“...The story of Soda Popinksi? You and Coach Flynn compiled your limited knowledge of Phone #1 to bypass the computer terminal’s login.”

“...AH. Of course. Yes, I remember. Yes, perhaps that thing you said played some… role… in… that thing you said.”

Kato recognizes the look on his commander’s face where he doesn’t understand something but is too afraid to look foolish to ask for more information.

“Sir! Did you withhold this drive from Mark Flynn because you believe he is manipulating you?”

NK is suddenly aghast, eventhough he just agreed with Kato the sentence before.

“Kato! Bite your tongue!”

“Sir, I merely fe-”

“I mean it! Bite your tongue!”

Kato sighs. And nibbles lightly on his own tongue.

“There! See, Kato! Now you know what it’s like to be hurt by your mouth, as you have done hurt Mark Flynn, accusing him of wrongdoing!”

“Sir, I only imply that… Follow my logic, please?”

Kato raises his right hand.

“In 2012, Coach Flynn took on a student, Soda Popinski, promising to train him so that he’d become an XWF World Heavyweight Champion.”

“...Yes, yes, that name certainly rings a bell.”

“Because I just told you ab-... Never mind.”

Kato gesticulates with the same hand.

“Coach Flynn promoted his student’s appearance, promising him that he was the future of the XWF.”

“Mmmm hmmm, a promising promise, indeed.”

“Until Coach Flynn saw an opportunity to seize the future for himself, at which point…”

Kato then squeezes his hand to a fist.

“Coach Flynn dumped his student to be destroyed in the very ring he promised success in.”

NK sadistically chortles.

“Heheheh, what a FOOL to believe Mark Flynn would carry him to success.”

Kato taps his nose excitedly.

“Yes, yes! Okay, continue to follow my reasoning…”

Kato lifts his left hand to join his right.

“Last year, Coach Flynn took on a student…”

NK cuts his hand in the air to interrupt the story.

“Who? What student? Why am I only hearing about this now?”

“...He took YOU on as a student, sir.”

“...Ah! Yes of course, haha. Mark Flynn and I are so in-tune as partners, I occasionally forget his role as mentor. In fact, Mark Flynn might confess one day that I’ve taught him as much as he’s taught me.”

“Of course, sir. B-”

“In fact, perhaps more so!”

“...Yes, sir, fine.”

Kato gesticulates with his left hand the same way he just did with his right…

“Coach Flynn promised to train you in ways of the Optimal Path, guaranteeing that you would become XWF Universal Champion.”

“Haha, just so, my compatriot! The anticipation to take my rightful place drives me ever forward!”

“Yes, now… Coach Flynn has promoted your appearances, making you his tag-team partner and advertising you and he as the future of XWF...”

“Haha! Yes, exactly!”

Kato bobbles his left hand in the air.

“So… logically, what comes next is…?”

Kato weaves his hand through the air.

NK mirrors the act…

“We rule the XWF side-by-side?”

…

“But with me one step higher than Mark Flynn?”

…

“And Mark Flynn doesn’t mind at all because he’s so proud of me?”

Kato buries his face in his hands. It is nigh impossible to convince his commander of a fact that he does not already believe, no matter how obvious.

“Fine, commander. You don’t believe Coach Flynn has any ill-intentions toward you. But, if so… Why would you keep knowledge of the hard drive from Coach Flynn? What interests would informing Coach Flynn not serve?”

NK looks both ways… Before reaching into the inside of his jacket and retrieving his notebook.

“As you are aware, Kato. We were recently manipulated by our mysterious Phone #1, or “Robert Miles” as Mark Flynn likes referring to him as.”

“Yes, commander. He seemed to use reverse psychology, telling Coach Flynn to NOT visit Louisville. After which, he used the publicity of your attack to further his own goals of maximizing XWF’s profits.”

“Yes, indeed. And the password of choice on the computer references that there is some basis to that theory of Mark Flynn’s. The password was ‘Soda_Popinski’, the student Mark Flynn took on while he played the part of ‘Robert Miles.’”

“I follow you so far, sir.”

“…However. The REAL Robert Miles never actually wrestled for XWF. It was a part Mark Flynn played to deceive his rivals into a false sense of security.”

“True. And Mark Flynn believes the real Robert Miles seeks revenge for borrowing his identity!”

“Robert Miles is supposedly dead.”

“As were you for many years, Commander. It seems death has a harder and harder time these days keeping those it has claimed.”

“…Perhaps, you are correct, Kato. And yet…”

NK flips several pages backwards, to a theory he almost threw away after United Korean Peace Officer revealed it was impossible. That the FXW version of Mark Flynn didn’t exist.

Flark Mynn is Phone #1.

“Hmm.” NK snaps the notebook shut.

“Well? Tell me, Commander! Don’t leave me in suspense!”

NK shakes his head.

“…No. No, my hypothesis may be too ridiculous to even speak aloud.”

NK waves his hand dismissing it.

“I am sure one day, all three of us will look back and laugh on it.”

…

“But, for right now… I’d prefer to temporarily exclude Mark Flynn from the knowledge on this hard drive.”

…

“While maintaining every intention of looping him in once we’ve completely eliminated my hypothesis as a possibility.”

Kato scratches his head but shrugs.

“As you wish, Commander. So, how shall we peruse the data on this mysterious hard drive?”

“Well, dear Kato! We’ll need a computer to plug it into.”

NK shifts his eyes twice over to the other corner of the room.

At the desk where Flynn keeps his pride and joy.

His state-of-the-art wrestling match simulator.

The Kenta Kobayashi Maru.

…

Kato chuckles and waves his hand dismissively.

“Haha, funny joke, commander!”

…

……

“See, commander, you must be joking. Because Mark Flynn would literally murder us if we touched his computer. LET ALONE IF WE PLUGGED A FOREIGN DRIVE INTO IT HAHAHAHA.”

…

As NK goes to stand-up, Kato immediately latches onto his arm, terrified.

“Commander, please no.”

***

Flynn scratches his head, having just finished Bobby and Charlie’s latest promo.

“Holy shit. That was both informative AND disturbing.”

…

“It barely had anything to do with wrestling, but still. Always good to learn something new.”

Flynn spins in his rolly chair toward his partner.

“NK, do you know what Charlie is talking about? This axe murder incident in North Korea?”

NK is reading the Pyongyang Times. It seems he found most of the promo rather dull.

“Indeed, Mark Flynn. It is an important event in our history. Though, naturally, Charlie Nickles got many details incorrect. Obviously, he received an American education.”

“No kidding? Well, what happened according to North Korea?”

NK closes the newspaper, suspiciously eyeing his partner, “What ACTUALLY happened, Mark Flynn…”

Flynn waves his arm.

“Yeah, yeah, go on already…”

“What ACTUALLY happened... Is the inferior American troops offered to trim shrubbery on the North Korean border, free of charge! In a symbolic effort to show subservience to True Korea and Our Glorious Leader.”

“...Huh, Charlie said this happened in the DMZ. And I thought they trimmed the tree to unblock the view from a United Nations Command checkpoint.”

NK scoffs.

“I understand your American confusion, Mark Flynn. Allow me to correct you. You see, the entire DMZ is North Korean property.”

“...That doesn’t sound right.”

“AND!” NK cuts in, as if demanding the right to continue. Flynn sighs and waves his hand again. “And thus! The tree was not theirs to cut down, whether or not it blocked their view.”

“Okay, so… But if the Americans offered to trim the trees to submit to North Korea... What’s the problem?”

“Well, their yardwork was sub-par! Their shrubbery cutting was uneven and, worst of all, they cut from the top! The Glorious Leader’s Manual on Effective Tree Pruning CLEARLY demonstrates that efficient view-finding means creating a sightline THROUGH the tree instead of OVER the tree.”

“Y’know, I’m 100% sure the rest of this is bullshit, but I have actually heard that.”

“SO! The brave North Korean troops of the Gardening Division attempted to intercede! To demonstrate to these foolish, terrible untrained American soldiers. Naturally, arguments ensued over proper lawncare. And two Americans were made to feel so foolish that they died.”

“...North Korea claims the Americans… died of foolishness?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, I have to ask. If you can kill an American by making them feel foolish, Why don’t more Americans die of foolishness then?”

NK scoffs again.

“Mark Flynn! Most Americans are so hard-headed, you can hit them with mountains of the truth and they shut their minds completely from the facts! In a desperate effort to NOT die! It’s a survival mechanism! And one necessary for the propagation of the filthy American species! Hence, how Charlie and Bobby manage to hear our biting criticisms… Then do NOTHING to combat them!”

Flynn clicks his tongue.

“Can’t argue with that. So… then the Americans cut down a bunch of trees and the North Koreans shivered in their boots?”

NK chortles heartily.

“Hardly, Mark Flynn! The United States apologized profusely for their errors in proper tree-trimming and symbolically bowed down to North Korea by trimming the entire forest down, free of charge, to avert the risk of possible military conflict. North Korea demanded that they see to it that this never happens again!”

“...Huh. Anything else you’d like to point out?”

“Just this.”

“Two Americans lost their lives to the True Korean troops. And America responded by providing all-encompassing lawn care. Do you know that means statistically, Mark Flynn?”

“What, NK?”

“The final score was 3 to nothing.”

“Just like it will be after Warfare between us and the Bastards.”

Flynn and NK smile and high-five.

“Let’s face it. Chucky Nickles can shoot his gob off all day about how many wins he’s stuffed under his belt…”

“Bragging about defeating Cage Coleman, a man who lost a best of 3 series to Reggie Estrada!”

“Bragging about beating ol’ Gravy, who I think isn’t even under XWF contract anymore…”

“Bragging about beating Comrade Centurion, who IS an XWF Legend.”

“...Technically. The same way Cal Ripken Junior is in the Baseball Hall of Fame for playing the most games. Just like Rip, Cent ain’t special, Chuck. He’s just been here the longest.”

NK smacks Flynn’s hands.

“Mark Flynn, I will not tolerate besmirching the good name of Comrade Centurion!”

…

“Not unless we’re competing against him anyway.”

Flynn shrugs, then leans into the camera.

“NK beat Cent, one-on-one. S’all I’m saying.”

“In fact, that’s all I gotta say. Everything you’ve done? Same here, pal.”

“Run roughshod over their entire division? Samesies.”

“Only dropped a loss to Comrade Alias in the last six months? Mark Flynn can make the same claim, as well.”

“An-”

“And I haven’t lost a single match since Bad Medicine!”

…

“Hey, NK? United Front.”

“Apologies, Mark Flynn.”

NK and Flynn both point down the barrel of the camera.

“When it comes down to it, pretty much the only difference between us and Chuck…”

“Is #1… we’ve wrestled and won TAG-TEAM matches in the last YEAR…”

“And #2… We have put our money where our mouth is. We’ve put our belts in the center of the metaphorical poker table.”

“And it looks like we’re the only ones willing to bet. Ol’ Nickles talks a tough game. He knows his history…”

“AMERICANIZED history.”

“And he cites his wins against mediocre challengers. AND YET!”

“AND YET!”

“AND YET! It’s not just about what he said… it’s about what he DIDN’T say. We challenged ol’ Chuck to put his #1 contendership for the Uni belt on the line.”

“And… perhaps he didn’t hear us?”

“Despite clearly combing through our promo hard enough to get that line about ‘technology from the 1970s’... maybe he just skipped that bit where we told him to put up or shut up?”

“Or! Allow me to present a secondary hypothesis, Mark Flynn!”

“Go for it, NK.”

“Charlie Nickles KNOWS he’s about to eat ANOTHER loss.”

“And NOT to Alias. But to Mark Flynn and the North Korean War Criminal.”

“And after that, his status as #1 contender? Is going to get even dicier. On even shakier ground.”

“Charlie Nickles’ title shot is pretty much his last chance to scoop up the Uni Title, before he sinks back to the middle of the card… Forever.”

“So he feels it… That contract… Getting wet in his flopsweat-covered hands… He feels his grip loosening… It’s all about to slip through his fingers.”

“His manhood, which he is so proud of, would compel him to match the bet.”

“But his cowardice… HIS COWARDICE… drives him to hide.”

“It’s so funny to see in a Las Vegas Street Fight match… Someone afraid to gamble… Hehehe…”

“See, that’s the diff, Chuckster. We know firsthand just how fun the chase is…”

“And you’re making it a delightful romp by running and hiding your precious treasure before you come to play…”

Flynn and NK bump fists, then mime out an explosion between them.

“Now… Bobby Bourbon roasted us on bringing in a fake Bobby Bourbon for the Senate hearing scene?”

“Apparently, there’s a whole history of fake body double Bobby Bourbons in other XWF promos?”

“I wouldn’t know any about that… But we DID watch Bastard Kni… An… I gott…”

***FIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ***

Suddenly the feed gets fuzzy. The image of the tag champs fades in and out…

And is eventually replaced…

…

…



By the BOB-Anon! The conspiracy theorist who escaped Mark Flynn and NK in Louisville! Who believes that Robbie Bourbon is both the Real President and the Real Universal Champion!

“Good afternoon, Patriots! Keep fighting the good fight!”

“Now, if you’ve had the misfortune of listening to the FALSE IDOL BOBBY BOURBON! WHO IS NOT MY FUCKIN’ PRESIDENT, but instead the small-boned crisis actor, Daniel Valerie Sex!”

“You’d be led to believe that the Bobby Bourbon that appeared before the Senate alongside Vinnie Lane is a body double!”

…

“And that is true! Undeniably! BUT! BOBBY Bourbon claims that he is the legitimate Bourbon?!?”

The Bob-Anon bark-laughs twice in a clearly rehearsed way.

“It is LAUGHABLE! Cut to my reference images of body doubles!”



“It is CLEAR to any patriot with eyeballs that BOBBY Bourbon himself is NOT Robbie Bourbon! The one true President! The Grand High PooBOB and the man who wrestled at XWF March Madness!”

The BOB-Anon reaches into his backpack on the floor, fishing out some red yarn…

“You see, BOBBY actually STOLE Robbie Bourbon’s crown. But ROBBIE is the one who won at March Madness, beating Raion Kido and Jenny Myst in the same night.”

He connects the red yarn from the picture of Danny Sex to the picture of luchador Robbie Bourbon. Then connects both to the crown.

“I mean, it’s possible that BOBBY beat Calvary. But… c’mon, anybody could do that.”

“BUT! Bobby stole the crown! Just like Hidin’ Joe Biden stole the election from… YOU GUESSED IT! Robbie Bourbon!”

The BOB-Anon now connects a piece of red yarn between President Biden, former President Trump and Robbie Bourbon.

“YOU SEE! Robbie Bourbon wanted to give us hope, so HE RETURNED! LIKE JESUS HIMSELF! TO REWARD THE FAITH OF HIS FLOCK! But like the Pharisees, Daniel Valerie Sex and his lizard cohorts want YOU to believe it was their work!”

Robbie takes the image of Bobby Bourbon off the wall and rips it in half!

“And that’s where to get to the real issue! Y… see… THE LIZARDMEN WA…”

***FIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ***

The screen cuts out for a few seconds before eventually returning to Flynn and NK sitting in separate director’s chairs.

“And that’s why we’re giving the movie ‘Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight’… a 2 out of 5.”

“It neither commits fully to executing on its premise. Nor is it funny enough to be called parody.”

“Kinda like EVERY Bastards promo.”

Flynn and NK guffaw They lean forward, high-fiving in their chairs.

They both stand up out of their chairs, coming shoulder-to-shoulder.

“Bastards.”

“Charlie Nickles. Bobby Bourbon.”

“We’ve made it clear. We’ve covered it every which way.”

“Your accomplishments are only impressive on paper. In actuality, your recent victories are against lackluster opponents.”

“And y’all haven’t even fought in a tag match together before. Charlie’s never even HELD the tag titles.”

“In fact, Charlie Nickles and Jim Jimson had a shot once… That they lost against Continuum.”

“The Team that the Bastards originally beat for their tag title reign.”

“You see where we’re going with this?”

“Bobby and the Bastards decided to make a THIRD run for our belts… And recruited a guy who LOST to the team Bobby and TK originally beat.”

“And we’re supposed to believe Charlie Nickles is an UPGRADE?”

NK and Flynn grin and cross their arms in front of their chest.

“Bobby and Charlie are coming to this Las Vegas Street Fight… And they think, even though the Bastards lose twice before, they’re due for a lucky break.”

“Bad luck, chums. On a scale of 1 to 10, Charlie Nickles and Bobby Bourbon are a pair of 2’s.”

““And we’re a pair of Kings.”

“The KINGS of Tag-Team Wrestling.”

***

The Koreans have taken positions in front of the computer. NK sits and types, while Kato nervously hovers over his shoulder…

NK hammers on a number of keys… having memorized Mark Flynn’s password from the many times being over his shoulder and watching him log into the Maru.

“Sir, this is the OPPOSITE of a good idea.”

“Silence, Kato! If we wish to learn what is on the hard drive… This is our best option.”

Kato presses his hands together in front of his face, desperate to come up with some logic that might help his commander understand that this is a terrible idea…

…

Kato’s face lights up! Aha! Inspiration!

“Sir, do you recall the parable of StuxNet?”

NK waves his hand dismissively… while still typing with one hand…

“Bah! Of course, Kato. Iran’s entire nuclear program was heavily degraded by a computer virus! Practically in seconds!”

Kato taps his nose!

“Exactly, Commander! And do you remember how the virus was delivered?”

…NK pauses for a moment. His hands slow… And eventually come to a stop.

Kato’s hands shake with excitement. Oh man, he might have broken through to his commander.

“Of course I recall! It was… um… by catapult?”

“...No, Sir! It was delivered by USB drive. An Iranian double-agent plugged the drive into one of their machines at the uranium enrichment facility in Natanz. Their computers, which controlled the gas centrifuges for separating the nuclear material, were remotely controlled…”

“Ah! Yes, yes, I was testing you, Kato! Of course, I knew all that.”

NK sticks a finger in the air.

“BUT! A true scholar of this parable would also recall that the United States attempted to hack North Korea with the same virus… And it thoroughly failed! Do you understand the implications, Kato?”

“...That North Korean computer systems lack USB ports?”

“THAT WE ARE INVINCIBLE! WITNESS ME!”

NK reaches his hand down and plugs in the hard drive…

For a moment, the screen of the Kenta Kobayashi Maru becomes bright…

Brighter…

WHITE.

…

…

Then it dims back to normal.

…

NK looks over at Kato, like ‘see, no biggie’.

Kato dry-swallows.

A small paper-clip cartoon appears on the screen.

“Howdy!” The little clip says in a high, squeaky voice. “It looks like you’ve plugged in a new hard drive! Would you like to see what’s on it?”

“Ah wonderful. Comrade Clip will deliver us like a sherpa to our wondrous valley of intel.”

NK wrings his hands fiendishly as he reaches for the mouse.

Kato is more wary.

“Sir, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this paperclip on Mark Flynn’s computer…”

“Well, I for one am thankful for him, Kato!”

NK clicks ‘Yes’.

“Wonderful!” The little paper clip cartoon suddenly has a diving board appear beneath him on the screen… He bounces one, twice, then dives into a little folder.

NK laughs, clapping his hands.

“Delightful animation! How quaint…”

Kato sighs… before turning his head to the opposite corner of the screen.

“Sir…”

“Not now, Kato! I am waiting to see if Comrade Clip will emerge from the files with our data…”

The computer plays a few sounds of leaves rustling, to punctuate the idea that the clip is digging around for data…

Meanwhile, in the opposite corner, a loading bar fills up…

Its actions read ‘REWRITING USER PERMISSIONS’.

“Commander, look at the top right.”

NK scoffs.

“Why would I look at the top right when Comrade Clip is aiding us at the bottom left?”

Finally, a little metal bit swings its way out of the folder.

“Phew! You won’t believe what’s in there!”

“Oh, please! Inform me, Comrade Clip! Indulge me with the riches of knowledge!”

In the top right… the loading bar slows… stops… And disappears.

Kato is at his utmost level of apprehensiveness.

“Sir, the bar, it disappeared…”

“See! Thus, you were worried for nothing! Meanwhile, Comrade Clip has succeeded in his reconnaissance mission!”

The clip has reached back into the folder and pulled out a cartoon treasure chest.

“We hit the motherlode!”

NK claps, delightedly.

“Incredible work, Comrade Clip! True Korea could use an agent of your caliber.”

“And I would loooooooooooove to open it for you! Just one hold-up!”

A popup appears on the screen.

“Could you pretty please give me admin privileges on your computer? Then, I can pop this puppy open!”

GIVE USER `clippy_nk` ADMIN PRIVILEGES?

“Sir, I don’t trust this artificially intelligent paperclip.”

“Kato! Do not speak poorly of our agent! Look! See the screen! He has even adopted my bastardized, shortened Americanized moniker! He is like a son to me!”

NK reaches down…

Kato grabs his hand.

“Sir. I… uh…”

NK looks venomously at his second-in-command for delaying his glorious data-opening.

Kato looks around desperately.

“I! I really think we should show Mark Flynn this!”

NK looks puzzled.

“Really, Kato? I was under the impression that you suspected Mark Flynn of treasonous plotting.”

“...I …might have. But now, I think… Wow, this is all so impressive, commander! I bet he’d be so…. So proud of you for… plugging a foreign hard drive into his computer.”

The two Koreans are too busy talking to notice that a series of small loading bars appears on the screen, followed by a success prompt.

MICROPHONE ENABLED

The little clip reaches into a pocket and retrieves a microphone which he seems to point out at the Koreans…

“Proud?”

“Oh! The gumption it took! The bravado! Mark Flynn would finally truly understand how great North Koreans are! How great YOU are.”

NK’s face is alight, mesmerized by the idea of Mark Flynn being proud of him.

“Do you… truly think so, Kato?”

Kato sucks in air. As much as he has to redirect his commander’s vision constantly to achieve anything, he does not derive joy from deceiving his superior officer.

“...Yeeeeeeeeessss, commander.”

“And would the Supreme Leader be proud?”

“......Suuuuuuuuuuuuuure, commander.”

NK claps his hands twice.

“Well, that settles it. I shall shelf my suspected hypothesis and we shall let Mark Flynn see our work before continuing!”

Kato breathes a sigh of relief.

“Stellar idea, Commander!”

NK goes to leave the chair…

Suddenly, one more popup appears on the screen.

IS NORTH KOREA THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH? CLICK ‘YES’ TO GIVE USER `clippy_nk` ADMIN PRIVILEGES

“Well, of course!”

NK grabs the mouse.

Kato’s face whitens.

“Commander, no!”

NK clicks ‘yes’.

…

……

………

The screen’s background blackens.

A number of messages and prompt flash, rapid-fire, in the top corners of the screen. ‘Camera Enabled’. ‘Remote Access Enabled’. ‘CRUD privileges enabled’....

The paperclip… begins to grow.

“Thank ya kindly, boys! I can finally do away with this… ridiculous accent.”

NK squints puzzledly.

“Comrade Clip! What is the meaning of this! Submit to my will and show me the files I demand! I am NK! Your namesake! And adoptive father!”

The clip continues to grow…

Until its face takes up the entire screen…

“Ooh. Sorry, War Criminal. NK doesn’t stand for ‘North Korea’. It has, and always will, stand for…”

The Paper Clip’s face… disappears. And behind it…



“NED KAYE! AS IN THE FXW’s NEFARIOUS NED KAYE!”

…

“...Annyeong! Do we know you?”

“...You infiltrated my program. You set it ablaze. I had to open a whole SEPARATE pocket dimension to conclude the show!”

“...Why didn’t you just finish the show last year?”

…

……

“Shut up.”

Suddenly, the screen lights up as files fly across the screen. A little cartoon suitcase flies from the bottom and opens up… Suddenly, all of the computer’s are tornado’d into the suitcase.

“Hmm. Tax information, dull… Social Security Number, booooooring… This looks like a pdf describing something called ‘THE_SECRETS_OF_THE_OPTIMAL_PATH’... *yawn*...”

NK’s face contorts into fear, as he grabs for the mouse… He’s so terrified, though, he tries speaking into it like a microphone.

“Um! Wait, Nefarious Professor Kaye! Mark Flynn might need those files!”

“...Oooh, what’s this? Kenta Kobayashi Maru… State-of-the-Art Wrestling Simulator…?”

NK immediately dives atop the hard drive and starts punching it with his fists.

“OW! Get out of there! OW!”

It’s metal so it hurts.

NK looks up, terrified!

“Kato! You did NOTHING to warn me YOUR idea could have had NEGATIVE consequences!”

Kato sighs as he reaches into his pocket to retrieve a small hammer. He leans down and begins swinging at the hard-drive.

“Oooh, y’know, I think I could slap a fresh coat of paint on this simulator… Maybe… convert the language so it can run on… alternative machines… This is a very… VERY promising program.”

As Kato continues to smash the hard-drive, NK gets back in the face of the FXW Ned Kaye on the screen. He holds the microphone up to his face.

“That combat simulator is the intellectual property of Mark Flynn! I DEMAND YOU CEASE AND DESIST YOUR INTERNET PIRACY! DON’T STEAL PROGRAMS WHEN YOU WOULDN’T STEAL A BABY!”

“I would absolutely steal a baby. For science.”

Kato finishes smashing the hard drive to bits…

…

But, it’s too late. Ned Kaye’s virus has now fully interfaced with the Kenta Kobayashi Maru.

Kato shakes his head, exasperated.

…NK looks back at the screen with his biggest, fakest smile.

“Say, Professor Kaye… I fear we began on the wrong foot.”

“We ‘began’ with you and your little friend infiltrating my lab in Kentucky… Violating my experiment! Ruining over a year of VALUABLE SCIENCE!”

“...Yes, and for that, I apologize. Perhaps we could meet at a local coffee shop and I could buy you a… beverage! And in return, you could… stop. Stop doing what you’re doing.”

“Say ‘pretty please’.”

NK looks disgusted.

“Bah! I would never stoop so low…”

“That’s a shame.”

A countdown timer appears on the screen. 10…

“...What is that?”

“Oh, I set the computer fan to exponentially increase its speed, until it dislodges and tears through its own rotor. At which point, it’ll whizz around the inside of the computer tower, destroying all the internal components. Most likely, it’ll cause a nice little… explosion.”

NK gasps.

“But the Kenta Kobayashi Maru is a sizeable machine! It takes up almost half-the-room!”

“Oh. Heheh, then it’ll cause a very LARGE explosion. Heheheheheh…”

…

“Pretty please!”

NK bows his head and clasps his hands together in prayer, shaking submissively toward the face on the screen.

“PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE PLEASE OH PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE! PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE PLEASE!”

Professor Kaye only laughs as the timer ticks down to 6…

Kato grabs his commander by the arm and fireman carries him over his shoulder!

“PRETTY PLEASE! SUGAR! SUGAR ON TOP! PLEASE! PRETTY PRETTY!”

“Hahahahahaha, I don’t like added sugar! Hahahahahaha!”

“STEVIA ON TOP! COVERED IN PRETTY SUGAR SUBSTITUTE! PLEASE!”

Kato, with his commander heaved over his shoulder, runs out the exit door!

2…

1…

“Hahahahahahahahahahaha HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!”

***

“I don’t need to play solo ball. I share the court with people I trust. But I don’t trust Agent Spahtz. And I don’t trust you.”

Flynn raises his index finger.

“There’s only one man I trust. One person that hasn’t let me down.”

Flynn smiles.

“And that man is the North Korean War Crim-”

An explosion! The room shifts! Trophies and books are knocked from the shelves onto the floor!

The fire alarms set off! The sprinklers spray from the ceiling above!

Davenport hops into action covering her computer with her arms…

That moment, Flynn’s pocket vibrates…

He fishes out his phone…

And sees a single text.

From NK.

“Okay, promise you won’t be mad…”