The ‘mondo cash’ Vinnie was referring to was the 500,000 dollars Steve Sayors owed XWF for violating labor standards and accidentally interviewing Some Guy…

Some Guy?

Yeah, That one.

Interviewing That Guy on his day-off and getting caught by one of Vinnie’s trolling hover drones.

The XWF was fined $500,000 by the US Labor Department for overworking Steve. And XWF transferred the difference onto Sayors’ company account.

Which… Should that be legal…?

Steve hadn’t slept in a week-and-a-half. He’d been tired. But every time he closed his eyes, he saw the number 500,000 in his side and started hyperventilating.

He’d been experiencing… mild… heart palpitations.

…But, his rapidly deteriorating cardiovascular health was NOT why he was at a clinic today.

Sayors tried not to faint as he watched red goop travel up the tube near his face.

It was red goop.

That’s all it was.

If it was blood, Sayors would faint. He’s fainted at the sight of blood for his entire life. The first time in Steve’s life that he got a papercut, he fainted backwards into his father, who fell into an upward facing set of steak knives.

His father’s last words were that his only regret was having Steve for a son.

Steve was 24 years old.

…But, that was blood.

Thank goodness that this is red goop.

“All right,” the phlebotomist says, removing the tube and placing a little sticker bandaid on the inside of Sayors’ arm. “You can collect your money at the front.”

***

“Seventy-fiiiive dollars…?”

Sayors had meant that to be an incredulous scream. The flyer in the newspaper had said $150 for plasma donations. Unfortunately, turns out it’s really hard to have anxiety AND not have blood.

“Yep, $75. The flyer says $150 for plasma and your blood is… surprisingly lacking in plasma. Like, I don’t know how this blood makes your body work is how little plasma you have.”

“Okay…” Steve says, his head starting to dip woozily.

“Like, if I showed this blood to a doctor and didn’t tell him what it was, he’d think I was fucking joking is how bad this blood is. Like I got fake blood from a Party City and was trying to pull a fast one on him.”

“Pleeease stop saying ‘blood....’” Sayors pleads, rapidly blinking.

“Like, I’m going to throw this blood away. I wasn’t going to until you left, but then you stuck around for this little Q&A sesh and my shift ends in four, so…”

The nurse(?) at the front desk reaches into a filing cabinet and grabs a bag full of RED GOOP. IT’S RED GOOP, STEVE. IT’S…

The nurse then picks up her wastebasket and drops the bag of bloooooooooo…

***

…

……

Steve awoke several hours later in a daze…

He had a sharp pain in the back of his head… which probably meant he had fainted.

He reached back and rubbed the cerebral cortex area of his noggin…

“HAHA! GOOD MORNING, SLEEPYHEAD!”

“AH!” Steve screamed! He had no idea who it was, (legally Steve has 20/400 vision without his glasses and is considered medically blind. Years later, doctors will determine he had to conduct most interviews by echolocation).

Sayors paws desperately for his glasses…

Suddenly, sight. Gently granted from above.

“HAHA! THERE, THERE, RELAX! IT’S OKAY! I’VE GOT ‘EM, STEVE!”

As Sayors blinks his eyes, adjusting to his lenses he sees…

Some Guy.

Some Guy?

We did that bit already.

“YOU!”

“HAHA! ME! I LOVE THIS GAME THAT WE PLAY, STEVE!”

“You… You!” Steve adjusts his glasses on his face. “You ruined me!”

That guy reaches behind Steve’s head and fluffs his pillow. He laughs affably and affs laughably.

“STEVE! IT’S ME! I’D NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HARM YOU!”

Steve points accusingly!

“I owe the XWF 500,000 DOLLARS! Because YOU came to my vacation cabin and tricked me into asking you a question!”

“HAHA! I RECALL, STEVE! THAT’S WHY I GAVE YOU MY SLEEPING BAG MADE OF BENJAMIN FRANKLINS. THAT SHOULD HAVE SQUARED YOU AWAY!”

“Yeah! And then I threw my broken pen into the… fireplace at the… cabin and… and… and the sleeping bag… caught on… fire.” Steve says, slowly and ashamedly. His face blushes at the corners as he slowly realizes he’s not quite in the right.

“HAHA! STEVE! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?”

“Well, I…”

“IF I HAD KNOWN I’D OFFEND YOU BY OFFERING TO PAY YOUR FINE, TO THE POINT THAT YOU'D SET MY MONEY SLEEPING BAG ABLAZE… I WOULDN’T HAVE OFFERED, STEVEN!”

“No, that’s not… Please give me money!”

“HAHA! BUT STEVE, IT SEEMS LIKE YOU’RE SO RICH, YOU’RE WEARING CASH LIKE A NAMETAG!”

Steve squints confused. His eyes turn downward toward his chest.

The $75! Pinned with a paperclip to his hospital gown… Along with a note that says “Never come back”.

Steve takes a deep breath.

Steve looks around… And finds it at the bedside table! His phone!

Steve nabs it and opens the home screen.

“Okay! This is my one chance!”

He navigates to…

The BarnCoin CoinBarn app!

That Guy looks over Steve’s shoulder.

“HAHA! OH STEVE! CRYPTOCURRENCY?!?”

“Yes! Yes! Barney was telling me I can buy in cash… Apparently, for some investors, returns-on-investment have been 30,000%*!”

*These experiences with BarnCoin are individual experiences. Specifically one individual’s experience, that of Barney Allison Green. BG Corporation makes no claims that these results are guaranteed, representative or even likely if you purchase BarnCoin. Specifically if you’re NOT Barney Allison Green. Do not purchase BarnCoin while operating heavy machinery. Do not record yourself buying BarnCoin without the expressed written consent of BG Corporation, XWF LLC and Major League Baseball. Results May Vary.*

Steve punches the 3 Button on the purchase screen.

PLEASE HOLD CURRENCY TO YOUR MOBILE DEVICE

Steve scratches his head… Then takes the $75 dollars off his chest and holds it up to his phone…

PROCESSING…

…

“...I don’t understand what’s happening right now. Like, is it scanning the serial number on these bills?”

SCAN COMPLETE!

“Okay, but what about the mon-”

Steve looks down at his hand.

…

The money is gone.

3 BARNCOIN, VALUED AT $25 APIECE, HAVE BEEN DEPOSITED IN YOUR COINBARN!

Steve sighs with relief.

That Guy shakes his head bemusedly.

“I STILL CAN’T GET OVER IT, STEVE. YOU’RE INVESTING IN CRYPTO?”

Steve shrugs, defeatedly.

“I know it’s funny money, I just need something with big returns… Otherwise, I’m going to be consumed by debt…”

“OF COURSE, STEVEN! I UNDERSTAND! WITH YOUR DEEP, WEALTH-HAVING POCKETS, YOU’RE LOOKING FOR INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITIES!”

“...I have $17 in my bank account…”

“I’M JUST SURPRISED A CUTTING-EDGE GUY LIKE YOU IS PLAYING IT OLD SCHOOL!”

“...What do you mean?”

“CRYPTO IS SO 2009, STEVE!”

That Guy reaches into his pocket.

“HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED GETTING IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR OF THE INDUSTRY OF THE FUTURE?”

“...What’s that?”

“LET ME EXPLORE YOUR MIND PALACE WHERE YOU KEEP YOUR BRILLIANCE, STEVE! GO ON A JOURNEY WITH ME TO ENVISION THE FUTURE!”

That Guy’s hand sweeps through the air, as if painting an invisible portrait of possibility.

“IT’S 2060, STEVE! 90% OF ALL INDUSTRIES HAVE BEEN REPLACED BY MACHINES! SOME OF THE LABOR FORCE IS LATINA! MOST OF IT IS SUBMISSIÓN! ALL OF IT IS MAQUINA!”

That Guy squeezes his fist.

“THERE’S ONLY ONE INDUSTRY THAT’S MACHINE-PROOF, STEVE! ONE INDUSTRY THAT WILL NEVER BE REPLACEABLE BY AUTOMATION! AND I THINK WE BOTH KNOW WHAT INDUSTRY THAT IS, STEVE?”

“...Wrestling journalism?”

“HAHA! NO!”

…Steve didn’t think that was the answer… He just really wanted it to be.

“Okay, fine. I think I know.”

“LET’S SAY IT TOGETHER ON THREE.”

“ONE!”

“TWO!”

“Software dev-”

“MAGIC!”

…

……

………

“Sorry.” Steve says, adjusting his glasses. “Did you say… magic?”

“LET ME WALK THROUGH WHAT THE FUTURE LOOKS LIKE, STEVE…”



…That Guy takes a breath after that brief musical interlude

“...Okay, so…” Steve scrunches his brow. “If I want my money to grow over time, I should… apply to magic school?”

“HAHA! OH PLEASE, STEVE! MAGICAL ACADEMIA IS SO ELITIST! I DON’T WANT MY GOOD BUDDY HAVING TO TAKE OUT MAGICAL STUDENT LOANS JUST TO WRITE MAGICAL RESEARCH PAPERS TO SEND TO MAGICAL ACADEMIC JOURNALS! THE ENTIRE MAGICAL EDUCATION SYSTEM IS OWNED BY THE MAGICAL LIBERAL INTELLIGENTSIA!”

That Guy reaches into his coat pocket.

“IF YOU WANT TO GET IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR OF THE TECH GUARANTEED TO DISRUPT THE MAGIC INDUSTRY…”

He retrieves…

A contract.

That is somehow actively on fire.

The document, surrounded by a magical flame, sits in That Guy’s hand… He isn’t burnt. He isn’t even discomforted.

He maintains his 1000 megawatt smile.

“ALL YOU HAVE TO DO! IS SIGN, STEVE!”

Steve stammers as he stares at the magical fiery page…

“I-I-I don’t have a pen!”

“HAHA! YOU DON’T NEED A PEN, STEVE! YOU’LL BE SIGNING WITH YOUR BLOOD!”

Sayors’ hands quake, his body would vomit in fear if he had anything in his stomach…

Steve Sayors has seen a lot of shit in his life.

But, this?

This is like being visited by a being from the netherrealm. And finding out that it killed God with its bare hands.

“W-wh-wh-what are you?!?”

““HAHA! Y’ALL ALREADY KNOW!”

Steve promptly faints…

***

Bright blinding lights.

“This guy has the palest body I’ve ever seen…”

Steve wakes up with a start… His brow is covered in sweat. He screams!

“AH! I’m sorry!” The nurse says, holding his pillow, mid-fluffing it back into shape. “I didn’t know you were awake!”

Steve gags, he’s so afraid. He feels his heart pounding in his chest. He grabs at his face to try and relax.

“Wh-wh-where am I?”

The nurse steps forward and puts the pillow back behind Steve’s head.

“Shh shh, you’re okay.” She grabs ahold of Sayors’ hand to calm him down. “You fainted back at the plasma clinic. They brought you to the emergency room.”

“...The plasma clinic?”

“Yes, they brought you straight here. They did some tests. You’re fine… Well, you’ve got high blood pressure… And it looks like from your CAT scans you got thrown through a table recently?”

Steve blushes.

“Happened back in November. Thanksgiving can get pretty wild around my office.”

The nurse chuckles. “Well, if you can make jokes, you must be getting better. I’m sending your charts to the front desk and we’ll see about getting you discharged…”

Steve sighs with relief.

“So, I guess that was a dream…”

The nurse seems to ignore that comment, heading for the room’s exit.

“Oh, before I forget, your glasses and your phone is on the bedside table…”

Steve squints, before looking over… He grabs his glasses… And then his phone.

He pops it open.

He received a notification from the BarnCoin CoinBarn app an hour ago.

His purchase was successful.

…

Sayors breaks into a cold sweat.

“Th-th-then, it couldn’t have been a dream! That Guy is some sort of EVIL WIZARD!”

Sayors screams.

Another notification pops up on his phone.

Because of the invasion of Ukraine, the price of BarnCoin has dropped 40%.

His 75 dollar investment is now worth $45.

Sayors screams.

Another notification.

A picture from Vinnie Lane.

It’s definitely infected.

Sayors screams…

And faints.

End Scene

***

And now… A brief interlude of Trash Talk, with real-time fact-checking by XWF Correspondent Steve Sayors

That Guy rolls onto the scene in a segway.

“AND SPEAKING OF SEGUES!”

Not a fact check, but that was awful.

“HAHA!

MY OLD FRIEND, BARNEY GREEN!”


I can’t find a single instance in XWF history of Barney Green or… this guy. Sharing a ring, attending the same event… I can’t even find evidence they’ve ever been in the same state.

“IT’S BEEN MANY A DAY SINCE THE LAST TIME WE CROSSED PATHS!”

Possibly their entire lives.

“Y’ALL ALREADY KNOW I’M A HUGE FAN OF ‘THE LEGEND THAT IS LIVING’!”

That is unknown.

“BUT, ENOUGH PLEASANTRIES!

LET’S GET TO THE FACTS!

I WON THE X-KIMO BATTLE ROYALE!”

True.

“AND YOU DIDN’T!”

...True, but Barney Green wasn’t even in that match. This guy was the ONLY entrant in the match.

“BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THE MATCH!”

…True

“IPSO FACTO: I OUTPERFORMED YOU!”

…I don’t think that’s how that wor-

“I ALSO SCORED ONE ELIMINATION IN THE THANKSGIVING ANARCHY RUMBLE!”

That’s true.

“I ELIMINATED BELOVED COMMENTATOR, GEORGIA GEORGE!”

…That is not Bama’s name. And recent fan polling shows he isn’t beloved.

“AND YOU MAY BE A FORMER WORLD CHAMPION, BARNEY!”

True.

BUT I AM THE CURRENT REIGNING XWF RIO DE JANEIRO CHAMPION!”

That Guy holds up the 24/7 Freestyle Belt. I’ve put in weeks of research and I still can’t find a single reference to the XWF Rio De Janeiro championship, nor the tournament this guy claims he won to become the inaugural champion. Nor ANY record of Patrick Patrickson, the competitor he claims he defeated in the finals of aforementioned tournament.

“THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS CHAMPIONSHIP IN THE HISTORY OF THE XWF!”

Emphatically false.

“THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE GOING FOR YOU IS YOUR FORTUNE AS THE FOUNDER OF BARNCOIN!”

Half-Truth. 70% of Barney Green’s wealth portfolio as BarnCoin’s founder. He also owns a surprisingly large amount of stock in Oklahoma-based Cannibis farms and his construction company manufacturing bathrooms that cisgender people aren’t allowed in.

”AND IF YOU THINK YOU CAN BUY OFF THE RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD, WHICH I AM…

YES!”

What?!?!

”YES YOU CAN!”

This is profoundly unethical!!!

”PLEASE SEND A CHECK OR MONEY ORDER AND I’LL GLADLY THROW THE MATCH!

Y’ALL ALREADY KNOW MY ADDRESS AND THE AMOUNT TO SEND, BARN!”

No one knows this man’s address!!!

“SEE YOU WEDNESDAY, BARNEY! YOU AND I ARE ABOUT TO PUT ON THE MATCH OF THE YEAR!”

...Not definitely false. But INCREDIBLY unlikely.