02-15-2022, 07:37 PM
The Disintigrators, under the guidance of their manager and life coach Freddy Fabulous, have decided to take a week off camping in the Ocala National Forest.
In their shared cabin, “Dangerous” Dave Mustang has stayed behind while Freddy and Johnny “Twisted” Steele have headed out to a fishing hole to catch some bass. Dave wanted to have some alone time, center his thoughts, and partake in one of his favorite pastimes… building wooden boats inside a bottle.
Now, Dave had been working on this particular piece for months. Everytime he had a spare moment, he’d erect another past or sail. The ship was impressive - a model of an ancient trireme. Three levels of sails, as well as dozens of oars sticking out from the sides.
He was just settling the figurehead onto the bow of the ship when his frenzied partner burst back into the cabin.
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “DAVID I GOT SOME WICKED BAD NEWS, DADDY!!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “JESUS JUMPED UP CHRIST!”
Dave jumps forward, startled, as Johnny bursts in - the bottle shatters and David lurches, trying to catch his boat. However, he slips and his chair tips forward, sending his face into the model ship! The boat shatters into a billion tiny wooden shards, and several of them stab into the flesh of Mustang’s face.
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “HAHAHAHAHA DAVID! YOU LOOK LIKE A DENNY’S CLUB SANDWICH WITH ALL THEM TOOTHPICKS IN YOUR FACE! BUT ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE I HAVE REALLY BAD NEWS! THIS IS IMPORTANT SO STOP GOOFING OFF!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “Johnny god DAMN it! What on God’s Green Earth is so frickin’ important that you need to come in here like a damn chicken with its head cut off and ruin my project? This better be good or so help me I will introduce you to my two brothers right here!”
Dave holds up his balled fists, rotating them in the air in the classic ‘put ‘em up’ motion.
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “DAVE YOU’RE A FUNNY GUY WE BOTH KNOW I’D KNOCK YOUR NOGGIN BACKWARDS LIKE A DADGUM PEZ DISPENSER! PUT YOUR DUKES DOWN WE GOT PROBLEMS… THOSE TWO ILLEGITIMATE SONS OF MINE ARE AT IT AGAIN!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “Those scrawny ladymen up in Jacksonvile? The Pom Pom Girls? What’d they do now, Johnny, use up all your nail polish?”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “REAL FUNNY DAVID BUT I’M SERIOUS! THOSE TWO JACKANINNIES SOLD OFF MY OLD HARLEY! THE ONE I LEAVE OVER AT AILEEN’S HOUSE IN DAYTONA SO I CAN HAVE IT FOR BIKE WEEK EVERY YEAR! THOSE PENCIL NECKS SOLD THE SUMBITCH ON CRAIGSLIST!”
Dave Mustang slams his fists onto the table and stands up red in the face.
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “They pawned Lucille??? Johnny how could you let this happen?”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “I TRIED TO TELL THAT BITCH I WASN’T PAYING NO GD CHILD SUPPORT FOR TWO FULL GROWN VIRGINS WITH BODIES LIKE GIRL SCOUTS BUT SHE WOULDN’T LISTEN DAVID! SHE GAVE ‘EM THE DANG KEYS! NOW YOU AND ME NEED TO RIDE OUT TO DUVAL COUNTY AND KNUCKLE UP ON THOSE TWO HUMAN SEAHORSES! I SWEAR TO GOD IF AILEEN DIDN’T GIVE THE BEST DAMN GUMMER THIS SIDE OF THE SAINT JOHN’S I’D KNOCK THE HOME-ROLLED CIGARETTE RIGHT OUT OF HER MOUTH TOO!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “God bless Aileen and her legendary gumjobs…
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE DOUBLE D YOU BETTER NOT KNOW ABOUT THOSE SWEET GUM SKILLS FIRSTHAND OR I’LL WRING THAT STACK OF DIME YOU CALL A NECK RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW!!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “Johnny you know damn well me and Aileen hooked up after Bike Week ‘92 AND Bike Week ‘93. Heck you were in the damn room in 1992!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “I BETTER HAVE GONE FIRST IN 1993 BY GOD DAVID I AM NOT ONE TO MARINATE IN ANY MAN’S SLOPPY SECONDS! I WAS AT THE ALL NIGHT CRAWDADDY BOIL ON THE LAST NIGHT IN TOWN WARMING UP MY BELLY WITH THE MOST DELICIOUS MUDBUG GUMBO YOU COULD EVER DREAM OF!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “Sounds like you got a taste of my Mustang Mustard after you came back to the Motel 6 that night, big man!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “DON’T BE RIDICULOUS DAVE YOU KNOW I DON’T GO DOWN ON NOBODY REAL MEN GET HEAD THEY DON’T GIVE IT!! THE ONLY PUSSIES I EAT ARE IN THE RING JUST LIKE WE WILL ON WARFARE AGAINST JASON OMEGA AND SOME WEIRD PIRATE! LISTEN TO ME NOW OMEGA AND YOU LISTEN GOOD MY NAME IS JOHNNY B. STEELE AND THE B STANDS FOR BAD ASS MOTHERFUCKER! I’M THE MOST TWISTED SOB IN THE XWF AND I’LL HAVE YOU CRYIN’ FOR YOUR MAMA AS SOON AS THAT BELL RINGS! I’LL HAVE YOU BEGGING FOR MERCY BEFORE YOU EVEN GET YOUR BOOTS BROKE IN YOU SOFT SUMBITCH! TELL ‘EM DAVID!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLL lemme tell you one thing and one thing only Jake Omega, you and Sailboat Sally are about to get your two rear ends bruised and abused by two bonafide leather daddies!”
Johnny cuts Dave off.
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “HE DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT JASON BUT YOU GET THE PICTURE! ME AND DAVID ARE THE BADDEST MEN IN THIS BUSINESS AND YOU ARE GONNA RIDE OUT DOWN THESE AMERICAN HIGHWAYS ALL THE WAY UP TO THE GREAT STATE OF HAWAII AND WE ARE GONNA BRING OUR BEST PAIRS OF BOOTS AND DONATING ONE A PIECE TO LEAVE JAMMED UP YOUR NAMBY PAMBY ASSES! I AM IN NO MOOD TO DEAL WITH A BOY AND HIS PIRATE FRIEND DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU NEED A PAIR OF GREEN TIGHTS SO YOU CAN PLAY PETER PAN AND CAPTAIN HOOK! BUT THE D-GRATORS ARE ABOUT TO UP THE ANTE ON THIS SO-CALLED DOUBLE TROUBLE AND HAND YOU TWO A TRIPLE SERVING OF ASSBEAT CASSEROLE! I SWEAR ON MY ONE HUNDRED POUND TWIN SONS LIVES THAT YOU WILL BE SEEING STARS WORSE THAN DAVID HERE WAS AFTER HE WRAPPED HIS OLD T-BIRD AROUND A PALM TREE ON THE SIDE OF THE A1A AFTER A DOZEN TALLBOYS BACK IN NINETEEN BY GOD EIGHTY-SEVEN, BACK WHEN THIS COUNTRY WAS UNDER THE LEADERSHIP OF A REAL AMERICAN PATRIOT!”
Dave looks misty eyed at the memory.
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “I miss that vehicle every day of my life. I named her Belinda Car-Lyle and she truly did make Heaven a place on Earth.”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “HELL YEAH BROTHER! WE’LL WHIP JACK AND JIM OMEGA IN MEMORY OF THAT BEAUTIFUL CHERRY RED HARD TOP TOGETHER! WOO!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “WOO!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “WOO!”
Johnny cracks his knuckles and then continues.
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “I SWEAR TO GOD DAVID I WANT TO GO OUT THERE AND SMACK THE DINGLEBERRIES RIGHT OFF THESE TWO CALIFORNIA COOCOO BIRDS SO THAT THEY GO HOME AND CRY LIKE BABIES INTO THEIR ORGANIC AVOCADO TOAST! WOO! CAN YOU FEEL THAT DAVID? THE EIR IS ELECTRIC TONIGHT BECAUSE IT’S CHARGED UP LIKE DIESEL FUEL WITH PURE ADRENALINE! AWWWWWWWWWWWW SHEEEEEEEEEEEEIT I CAN’T STAND IT NO MORE!!!”
Johnny Steele rips off his bald eagle tee shirt with the sleeves cut off, yanking it over his head and tossing it to the floor of the cabin. His hairy barrel-chested torso is now fully exposed as he flexes and grimaces.
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “THIS RIGHT HERE IS THE BODY OF A FULL GROWN AMERICAN ADULT MALE OF THE SPECIES JAMES OMEGA! YOU AND YOUR NAVY FRIEND MIGHT AS WELL STAY AT THE YMCA INSTEAD OF COMING INTO THE RING ON WARFARE BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE MUSCLES OF A FREAKIN’ NINE YEAR OLD EXCHANGE STUDENT FROM ETHIOPIA! WOO! TELL ‘EM HOW IT’S GONNA GO, DANGEROUS!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL Johnny here summed it up real good already but let me just clarify that earlier when I said we were gonna hurt your anuses I meant by punching and kicking you both with violence and not in any other way! Now that that’s cleared up FUCK YEAH you two chumps are about to get brought a special overnight delivery of PAIN, jack! Me and Johnny might decide to truss you both up and drag you by the ankles behind our Harley Davidsons all the way down to the Green Swamp and let you get buttfucked by the skunkapes until the cock crows in the morning! The Disintigrators are MAD, BAD, and ready to make you SAD on Wednesday Night, daddy! Wear your training pants boys because the piss is gonna be running down your thighs when that bell rings and you have to throw hands with the two BADDEST MAMMA-JAMMAS on the PLANET! Now can I get a WOO!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “WOO!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “WOO!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “WOO!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “WOO!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “WOO!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “WOO!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “WOO!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “WOO!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “WOO!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “WOO!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “WOO!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “WOO!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “WOO!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “WOO!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “WOO!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “WOO!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “WOO!”
The Disintigrators keep WOO-ing as the head out of the cabin, straddle their Hogs, and then kick them roaring into life before peeling off down the road.
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “WOO!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “WOO!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “WOO!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “WOO!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “WOO!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “WOO!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “WOO!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “WOO!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “WOO!”
After the dust settles and the D-Grators have started their cross country journey to bust up their Warfare opponents, Freddy Fabulous arrives at the cabin with a small fish dangling from his hook.
Freddy Fabulous: “Boys? Little help here? The young lady at the lakeshore helped me bait the hook but now I need to get this sucker off of my line… boys? BOYS!?”
The scene fades as Freddy looks around, confused.
FUCKYOU
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