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AlexMinettVegaYin · (01-06-2022)

The familiar shakiness that comes with a camera phone makes it immediately clear the amateur nature of the video as Alex’s face immediately comes into view, a little too close to the camera.

Hi, guys! Alex Minett-Vega-Yin here! Now, most of you probably know me as momma to a load of world famous animal babies on social media but did you know I used to be….

Alex suddenly stands still, a mock-serious expression on her face.

A wrestler!?

Lots of shocked emojis and a giant “WTF!?” flash on and off before Alex smiles again.

Okay, up to about five years ago, I was famous as a wrestler and then I retired. About half of my fans will know me more for being a wrestler. Eventually, I decided to move on. I left the business but kept the family and eventually I decided to come back. Why? Why does a bird fly? Why does the sun rise? It’s what I do. It’s what I’m built for…..albeit in an irregular package. So it’s back to step one, which is here.

Alex turns her phone around, presenting the facade of a gym before suddenly turning the phone back on her elated face.

SO EXCITED!!! Let’s go!

We cut to Alex stood in the ring with her trainer, a big muscular middle-aged guy with a shaved bald head; a man who looks like he’d eat Alex for breakfast. Despite that, the two seem to have a cordial relationship and Alex is still bouncing on her feet, dressed in her wrestling gear of a navy blue sports bra, jogging pants and with white sneakers, her hair tied into a ponytail.

Okay, Alex. Let’s try reversals. Try and get out of this sleeper hold.

Okay!

Alex hops over and willingly gets her head snugly tucked into her trainer’s thick arms; the right cupped behind her head, the left tucked under her chin as the hold starts to tighten.

Try to get out.

Okay….

Alex strains a little, tries to kick out her legs before stopping.

Try again.

Okay…

Alex tries again. No difference and the hold gets tighter.

Are you okay?

Okay.

The hold gets tighter.

Okay…..okay (Alex tries to kick out again)…okay….okay….oh, cheese and crackers.

Alex immediately passes out and collapses onto the mat.

A few minutes later, Alex is sat on a bench. She drinks some water before dousing her face with some more of it, shaking it off like a dog emerging from a pond.

That could’ve gone better. At least I now remember what it feels like to lose consciousness. All the better to remind me to try and avoid that feeling.

The trainer walks up to Alex as she speaks to her phone, once again dwarfing her as we can’t even see as high as his shoulders.

Listen, Alex, I know you feel enthusiastic about this but I don’t think-

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Please! I need to do this. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew right now but I’m willing to be built back up from scratch if needed.

Look, you seem like a nice lady. I don’t want you to be hurt doing this.

Alex stands up, almost the closest you’ll see to aggression on her face as she looks up at the trainer.

Oh, come on! Did you watch that video I sent you?

Yeah, I asked for a three minute demo reel. It was three hours, Alex!

I’ve done a lot! I’ve wrestled across four continents, won titles in the UK, US, Japan…I’m an Olympic calibre gymnast. I’m not the kind to blow my horn but I do have credentials.

Credentials is one thing but did you need to splice in that Dalai Lama footage?

IT! FIT! THE! AMBIENCE!

For all her silliness, there was a steely determination to Alex that showed in her huge eyes and a sense that she could not be dissuaded.

*sigh* Alright…fine. From the ground up, okay?

Alex jumps up and down and squeals with joy as the camera pans around to hear face with an intense “whoosh” sound.

MONTAGE!

Generic 80’s rock music starts to play as Alex resumes her training. As synths blare, guitars chug and a voice (a little bit Stan Bush, a little bit Sammy Hagar) wails about climbing metaphorical mountains and never giving up on uspecified dreams. At the same time, we see Alex running on a treadmill, skipping rope, lifting weights, sparring and various other exercises. As the song reaches its powerful, emotional climax we see Alex manoeuvring out of the sleeper, with Alex leaping up and doing a backwards somersault over her trainer’s shoulder before shrieking and holding her hands up in victory. We then fade to Alex looking straight into camera in a tight close up.

So, here we go again. Five years in the making, Alex Minett-Vega-Yin makes her return to wrestling and of course, where else but beautiful Nuuk, Greenland?! So, I-

Alex suddenly turns her head to the side as if talking to someone.

Wait, Greenland?….I mean, I’ve always wanted to go there but it’s a strange location for an American wrestling company….Alright……Greenland in January as well?…..Okay, when you put it that way it seems like like the obvious choice.

Alex shrugs it off and continues her promo.

So, I see that my opponent is Olaf The Giant! I’m sure some would be concerned about the height differential between us. Me, I’m five-foot-two. Olaf, he’s seven-foot-four. Still, I’ve faced taller maybe. He seems like a gentle giant. I hope when all is said and done we can be friends but I’m putting that to one side for this match.

As for the height issue, the vast majority of matches I’ve wrestled in my career have had me at a size disadvantage. I don’t sweat it. You go at things with enough speed, determination and ingenuity and size becomes irrelevant.

Alex puts her hand up to camera, counting off on three of her fingers.

Speed, determination, ingenuity. You want to know my approach, that’s it. I’ve waited long enough, time to make a little comeback.

The camera pulls out and it’s clear that Alex is standing on top of a turnbuckle. With confidence she stands and turns her back before leaping off and corkscrewing through the air. She then flips forwards and somehow lands on her feet, beaming brightly.

See you in Greenland!

[Image: kg.jpg]

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